Sorting my marbles...

Today I found myself in something which resembled a depression and I couldn't believe it because, after all, I had taken all my pills at the right time and made sure I got enough sleep. I tried very hard to feel more cheerful and to put a bounce in my step, but it was all to no avail, so this afternoon I lied down for another nap. 

When I woke up, I thought things might be different, but they weren't and all the while what was nagging at the back of my mind were the changes I had made to my blogs and that I was really uncomfortable with. I had tried to push these thoughts away, but apparently they were bothering me more than I was giving them credit for. 

I took my medicines and made a pot of coffee and turned on the computer. I had a good look at those blogs and the layouts and could see that they were hopelessly inadequate. I had wanted them too badly and had not considered the practicality of them. I had taken a wrong turn simply because I had discovered something new and it was for free and I could apply it. 

Undoing everything and getting the blogs back to a more normal and practical look didn't take all that long. Blogger is very user friendly that way and very forgiving. It remembers everything you thought you had deleted.

I have to say that I feel a bit better now. I feel that I've saved myself from a terrible fate and that is of losing all my readers because the layouts were so bad and hard to read. But I think it's also the coffee and the medicines and the nap that have done their share to make me feel better. It's a combination of everything, most likely. 

Hopefully, I'll start looking at my world through rose colored glasses again like I was lately. It certainly was a friendlier place, although I suppose that you can't have equally happy days all the time. 

I frankly do count on that and am always very disappointed if my days aren't. I get very discouraged and take it as a bad sign. I think that I haven't had enough happy days yet in my lifetime. I haven't accumulated enough to have enough experience with them and to know they will always return. 

I think I'm in too contemplative a mood. I must get over it. I've got to go find my sense of humor somewhere. I've got to go find the unbearable lightness of being. 

Ciao
Nora

On a lazy morning.

Well, after I wrote my very interesting last post about going in search of Blogger templates, I did just that and found several websites that had free templates that you could install, but it all turned out to be a popcorn fart and in the end, I almost lost my complete blog and had to do some tricky things to get it back and then go to the original templates that Blogger offers themselves and customize one of them and what you see is the result. At least it's a change and it's something different for a while until I change my mind again, and I don't want to hear any complaints about it. You'll just have to adapt to the change along with me and humor me in my fickleness. I am, after all, a woman who is allowed to change her mind repeatedly. I thrive on change when it comes to my blog. Not in real life, I like everything the same there, very predictable, but in my blog I allow myself to make changes.

The clocks did get turned back one hour, because my radio controlled alarm clock woke me at 7 am this morning, when the other clocks and my watch said it was 8 am. So, I guess all of Europe has turned the clocks back this weekend. At least western Europe has, most likely.

I was immediately wide awake when the alarm clock went off. I jumped out of bed and sped into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. It was as if I was a woman with a mission. The only one I have right now is to go walk the dog who just ate his breakfast, so I better go do that right away...

It is 10 degrees and cloudy and windy outside (50 degrees F.). Real Autumn weather. The leaves are changing rapidly and covering all the sidewalks and parking spaces. Soon enough the trees will be bare and we will all be longing for spring instead of winter. That will be that awful cold season that we have to get through and I sure hope that Mother Nature will be kind to us and make it a mild winter and not one in which I am going to freeze my buns off with snow and ice. I'll never forget trying to ride my bike in the snow and slipping all over the place as I got caught in tracks made by car tires that had made icy spots. It was no fun whatsoever. Especially if you're not so young and agile any longer.

Thank goodness for warm leggings that you can wear underneath your skirt and look decent in. They are keeping me warm. And so are the scarves that I'm continually wearing. They've taken the place of the necklaces I normally wear and are keeping me nice and warm.

I am fortunate enough to have one pair of boots that I've had for ages and I'm wearing those now. They were expensive and I bought them when I still lived in California. They are in good shape and I guess it means that it pays off to invest some money in a good pair of boots and not buy the cheaper kind. I have to go look around in some shoe stores to get an idea of the price of boots and I'm purposely not going to look in the cheap stores. I have to buy real leather boots with good soles and solid heels. Not high ones either. I will just start walking funky if I get those. I'm not going to bother to take the other boots to the shoemaker. I think they are not worth it and within the shortest amount of time I will have the same problem again. They are not real leather and weren't very expensive, so it will probably cost more than I paid for them to repair them. I suppose you could say that in the end they weren't a very good buy. That teaches me a lesson about going for the cheap article. It doesn't always work out well.

Is there anything more delicious that a freshly made cup of coffee? I just made one after putting it off for 45 minutes, because I was to busy doing other things, but it sure tastes great. I do love the flavor of coffee. I don't remember when I started drinking it, but in my memory it seems like it has been forever. Those cookies that were so hard to eat that the café on the square served, are biscotti and you are supposed to dunk those in your coffee to make them edible. If you try to eat them without doing that, you'll break a tooth. I dunked my biscotti in my cappuccino on Friday and it worked well. Within seconds I had a soft cookie to eat. If I had waited any longer, it would have fallen apart in my cup. I heard about this from someone else when I complained about the hard cookie I was served.

I just googled Italian cookies and came upon all sorts and they sure made me hungry for some. They have some cookies that look like the kind we have over here too and I'm sure they are very similar in taste. The Netherlands is the land of cookies as well and you can buy many kinds in the store. My favorites are the kinds that are made with real butter and almonds and dark chocolate, not necessarily in that combination. Another thing we are big in is candy and a town of any size has at least one candy store where there are bins of candy with scoops so that you can fill your bag yourself and have it weighed at the counter. And then there are always the bonbon shops where you can pick out handmade bonbons per piece and have them put in an attractive box. Secretly, that is my favorite shop. If you're ever a guest at my house, don't bring me flowers, bring me bonbons. I'll eat them all myself, no sharing!

I'm dubious about cleaning house today. It really is a day off, since it's Sunday, and I should take advantage of that and read blogs and my books. I'm almost done with The God Squad and I will get the chance to finish the other book I already started. The one about the reading group. I must finish it before I go on to the next one, so I do have a mission to accomplish. No doubt I'll take a nap, because I didn't sleep long enough last night. I think I will make this a day of rest and relaxation. The first thing I'm going to do now is eat, because I'm hungry after talking about all those delicious treats.

Have a great day. The sun's come out momentarily. What a thrill!

Ciao,
Nora

A new look...

Yes, you will think you have arrived on someone else's page, but you really are in the right place. I was tired of my old look and wanted something radically different and chose this, because I liked the font and the plainness of the page. Right now I like having no picture and just the title and the simple dots. Sometimes I want change, because I get tired of what I always look at and I need something new to invigorate me. Blogger doesn't have many templates to choose from and this is the best one I could come up with. I think it will do nicely.

I have been up most of the night. I woke up very early and had no sleep left in me. There was no sense in staying in bed, because all I would do is lay there and think about stuff that would bother me, such as my past sins and other evils. No, I'm joking, but only partly so. I don't know what would happen if I laid awake in bed at night, because I never do. I avoid that at all costs. In the past I used to think about very sad things, but I haven't given myself the opportunity to do that in a long time, because I get up the minute I wake up and I don't go back to bed until I'm literally keeling over from sleep.

Past sins are the thoughts that come and haunt you in the middle of the night when your defenses are down and when you are at your most helpless and not able to fight a good fight and resist the harshness of your most cruel memories. And everything you think is tainted by the deepest color black and honed to the sharpest cut to make the deepest wounds. It's an onslaught of negative memories that make you cower under the covers and want to hide your whole being in shame.

The worst thing you can do is lay there like a helpless victim and let it wash all over you. My tactic is to get up and escape the darkness and the thoughts and to find the light and some distraction for my mind. Now I've gotten to the point where the negative thoughts don't even have a chance to enter my head, but I open my eyes and am beside my bed and the next second I am in the living room with the lights on and then in the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and to light a cigarette. Immediately my thoughts turn to the upcoming day and the things I will do in it and how exciting those will be, no matter how small and simple, and I don't spend a moment pondering over my past and the "evil" deeds I've committed in it.

You can either forgive yourself or put your deeds in the context of the time and place and circumstances in which they happened and learn to live with them and I think I have done the latter. It was not so much a question of forgiveness as of understanding. The understanding it takes to only take your share of the responsibility and not a portion more than that. To leave the rest for the other people involved, whether they accept it or not. You can't make people accept their responsibility, you can only take on that bit of it that is your own and learn to live with that.

It can be infuriating to see how people avoid taking the blame in a drama in which they played a major role and in which they had many of the most important scenes, even after you left and they continued to star in their version of the story. In the end, you can only feel pity for them, because as you grow and gain understanding and insight and wisdom, they stagnate and flounder in their repetitive motions and scripts and scenarios, bound to make the same mistakes over and over again. Not that you are suddenly faultless, but at least you try to improve and discover somebody else than who you were when it wasn't working.

Life seems to be a long journey leading up to graduate school. I am now studying for my master's degree in living well. Which is the best revenge, isn't it? Living well is the best revenge.

Now, I'm not claiming that I'm living the optimal life, far from it. I have a way to go yet. There are many things I'm not doing yet, adventures I'm not having, chances I'm not taking, places I'm not visiting. journeys I'm not making. But it will all come in its own sweet time. I'm playing it safe right now. Exploring minimal ground, just base camp and its immediate surroundings. I'm not going anywhere where I can't retreat quickly inside the walls of my apartment. Even more so now that I'm single and this place is so dear to me.

I should add, for all clarity, that what I talked about here is not my second marriage, but my life in the States that lasted 22 years and that was a very important time during which I had two children, a house, 2 cars, a dog, a cat, many friends, a husband, and a heartache. I have divorced that husband, remarried, left the States, lost my son, and gotten divorced again. Now I am single like I ought to be. Finally, I'm on my own. A single, solitary human being. Autonomous and independent and not yet lonely.

Ciao,
Nora

Black Box

The story of the Black Box that you find in my side bar is explained if you click on the text on the bottom of it. If however, you click on the word 'decide', a wonderful world will open up to you and you may have a new addiction. So, explore this when you have a little bit of time and a good hot cuppa something and maybe something to nibble on.

Well, you see I made the move back to Blogger, because there were some things, like the black box, that I could not get to work in Wordpress, leaving me always a bit frustrated. Wordpress had beautiful templates, real classy looking, but there was so much that it did not allow me to do.

In the process I have given my blog a different name, because I am a woman and I am fickle and I am entitled to that. No really, what I wanted was already in use, so I had to pick something completely different and it is fun to come up with something else and to give all of you something to do. You can't get much better than the most splendid day. Well, I suppose there is the most euphoric day, but I am not having one of those now. I am not even having a really splendid day.

My daughter managed to get an message out and she is fine, except that a tall tree landed on her roof, causing damage and needing lots of plastic sheeting to close the hole. She has no power, the streets are flooded, buildings everywhere are damaged, schools are closed of course, much to my grandson's delight, and it will take some time for things to get back to normal, but they are alright. That's the main thing. I knew they would be. They have a guardian angel. All my maternal instincts were right about this. Still, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I got another piece of writing published in Six Sentences and you can read that here. I've turned in some more things that will be published at a later date.

The Überhund is trying to pull a fast one on me and acting like he really needs to go out again and I know it's all a great big pitty party. He just thinks that if he whines pathetically, I'll drop everything and put my jacket on and grab the leash.

Well, I must eat now, because I think I forgot to do that, and take some pills too. Are you all happy that I'm back at Blogger? Will you have a party for me?

Ciao...

P.S. Vanity has gotten the better of me and I wil now accept awards again if anyone gets it into their head to even think of bestowing one on me. I will not display them in my sidebar, because of clutter, but I will show them in the next post. I'm humble, aren't I?