Wednesday, December 16, 2009

How to do it?

I have to figure out a way to dispense my energy evenly without being at either side of the spectrum in my moods. If I'm manic I am capable of doing many things, but when I'm done being manic, I turn into this sleepy headed woman again who needs to take naps and who doesn't at all spend her time wisely. It may be that I take too many tranquilizers and I'm going to try and cut down on them, although I don't know how easy that is going to be, because in the past I've always needed more of them for various reasons. Today I was exceptionally sleepy, but I think that was in reaction to the past mania too and I can't count it as ordinary behavior. It is just now that I'm starting to feel like a normal person again and I have stopped yawning, which I've done all day long. Well, I write that down and yawn, of course.

I took a long nap today after I had slept late this morning. I felt fuzzy headed while I walked the dog and not at all wide awake and I knew I needed more sleep. But I think that's not normal and I want to stop being in that position. I want to have an ordinary amount of energy and not have to wait for a mania to get a lot of things accomplished. I think it's very reasonable of me to expect to have enough energy to do the ordinary things in life that other people do without feeling wiped out. I am cutting down on the tranquilizers now and I'll see how it goes. I don't constantly have to be drugged, after all. I'm not a dangerous animal.

It's snowing! A nice layer of powdery snow is covering everything outside and the dog and I already walked in it. I did say that I didn't want it to snow, didn't I? Well, this snow, so far, is nice. It is very clean and pretty and there isn't a lot of it, so it's not too bad. I do have a good pair of boots to wear for it now, after all. I'm not going to get wet socks. It was nice to be outside and have the snow fall on us and it reminded me of the fact that my father and I would always go out for a walk in the first snow of the season and this would usually be at night. We wanted to make the first footsteps in the snow. That was a nice tradition that we had. I'm sorry he isn't here to do that with me anymore now. But the dog and I can do it. I think the dog likes snow. He likes to sniff in it very much, the same way he sniffs in fallen leaves.

Speaking of dogs. He looked at me with such melancholy eyes tonight after his dinner, that I gave him an extra 150 grams of food and he ate it with good appetite. That's such a little amount of food that it's not going to make much difference in his diet and it made him happy. I sure don't have a heart of steel and I can't deny him food if he's still hungry. What I gave him was lean meat, so it should be okay. You see, there's a certain logic in my reasoning.

I'm listening to some very obscure music that I got off the Jamendo website where you can download music for free. It's very innocuous music and not very exciting. Good to have in the background while I write this. There's nothing startling about it. Some blues, some jazz, some chansons, some new age. Oh, gag me with a spoon! When something is totally free, you don't have much choice. You make the best of it. That's why I just switched to Deezer for some better music. The Wild Yaks! That will wake you up! Of course, it completely prevents me from concentrating on what I'm writing here. I'll have to switch it off so I can hear myself think. I don't know how kids do it with their iPods stuck in their ears all day.

I have liked having all these days off. I thought I was going to mind not having therapy hardly, and soon none at all, but I like sleeping late in the mornings and getting my days started slowly. Well, except for those few days there. I quite accidentally, and I don't know how, have shut off the alarm clock in the mornings and now it doesn't go off at 7 am, which means I sleep until 9:30 am or there abouts. It's quite nice, even when I go to bed on time. I'm going to try and stay up a little bit late tonight and see if I can't mop the floors. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I'm really considering it. I must do it one of these days, it may as well be now. And I have to change the sheets on my bed. Toby has been lying beside my pillow and it is kind of grubby there. I know, I should put a towel down there, but I always forget. Besides, clean sheets are nice to have on the bed.

I'm saying to you that I may do all those things, but I may just as easily skip them, because I'm yawning again. I certainly dislike all this tiredness. I thought it would disappear with the vitamins, but maybe I haven't taken them long enough yet. I've only had five capsules. I suppose it's going to take a little longer than that.

Well, that's it for me for now. If I suddenly get a burst of energy, you will be the first to know. I doubt it very much, though, but I can hope for it.

Have a good evening.



Maggie May said...

I would sleep as much as you want. It is healing after all & will make up for all the times you cannot sleep.
Snowing!!!!! I hate the stuff.
It is so cold here. Never felt so cold before. I have been dozing by the gas fire all evening.

Sleep tight! X

Nuts in May

Babaloo said...

Sleep is good! But yes, I get what you mean, you don't want to go from one extreme to another.

You know how we were talking about sports... have you considered something along those lines? Because when you've got too much energy it's a great way to power yourself out, you'll be tired and get a good night's sleep. And when you're not too energetic, it can actually help you with that, too. And endorphins are great! I'm not talking Olympic-style anything here, mind. More along the lines of power-walking, swimming or something like that.

Gail said...

After all you've done, it would be a well earned rest.

Every time I see your new header, I smile.


Wisewebwoman said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, dear GSW.I think you are more prepared for these swings now.
I think the suggestion of physicality very good too - but I think you are still cycling and walking, right? Maybe not in the snow.
Here it is raining, but not as cold as it was.
I feel quite bah humbuggy on the season, the music is driving me nuts.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I think all the sleeping could be due to meds. And maybe not just the trancs. But the difficulty is in cutting down when you need them. Side effects suck! You want to have your head in a good place and not be anxious etc but also to be awake at the same time. Is this even possible?! Not in my experience!

Maybe you need to chat to your psychiatrist and he might be able to help find a different combination. It's so frustrating not to be able to get the things done that need doing or that you want to do because you are needing to sleep so much of the time.

No snow here yet!

Bearfriend xx