Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I got up real early this morning and thought I was done sleeping and made myself a cup of coffee and turned on the computer. In a very short time, however, it turned out I wasn't done sleeping at all and I had to hurry back to bed and very comfortably crawl under the duvet and in a few seconds I was sound asleep again. In a deep sleep, as a matter of fact, so that I missed my appointment with my SPN at 9 am. I woke up with a shock at 9:10 and realized I was too late and very quickly called the clinic where I heard that she was looking for me. I got her on the phone and we made a new appointment for tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm.

I think from now on I will make all my appointments for in the afternoons. I have too much of a hard time waking up in the morning many mornings. I even have been known to sleep through the beeping of the alarm clock and it will stop after awhile if you don't react to it. Either that, or I turn it off in my sleep and keep right on sleeping. My son used to be the same way. You could blow a fog horn beside his head and he would still keep on sleeping.

At least I'm properly awake now, there's no doubt about it, and I'm having a nice cup of coffee. Jesker is still asleep in the bedroom and so are the cats.

I'm doing better today, though I have a bit of a mental hangover from yesterday. I can't believe how bad yesterday morning was and I'm surprised at my own reaction and behavior. I thought I was a lot tougher than that and I am shocked that I am not.

What does this mean for me when I have to go make it in the real world? I have instructions now from my psychiatrist on how to deal better with situations like this, but I'm so afraid that reason will leave me and that emotion will take over and that in no time at all I will be a complete mess again, should a similar situation arise in which I am challenged to my limits. It's a horrible feeling to think you are going crazy and I don't know what the consequences are if I don't somehow interfere. I'm always afraid that I'll become psychotic, because I've been on the edge of it several times.

Well, today is a new day and a new start, even though I have that bandage around my arm as a reminder and those bills that need to be paid. Shoot, I'll make it somehow. I am a survivor, after all.

There's a mouse in the kitchen closet. It must be the same mouse that was here last week. I just noticed Gandhi very intently watching the crack beneath the door and when I opened it, something scampered away very quickly. Toby is watching, but doesn't really seem all that interested. For Gandhi the hunt is on, but there are a lot of things in the closet for the mouse to hide behind. I will have to get a trap. There is dried dog food in there and no doubt that's what it's been eating. It must have been getting water from the cat's bowl that is sitting right by the door. The poor thing, living in a closet. Let's hope it's a boy mouse and not a pregnant female.

I suppose that mouse is a survivor too and if it isn't a pregnant female, I should just let it live in the closet, except that it may make forays into the kitchen and I don't want that. I'll have to pay attention for any mouse droppings.

Jesker is awake too now and is making up his mind about what he wants. He's been out back for a piddle and he'll probably want to eat next, but that thought hasn't quite penetrated his skull. He's a little slow when it comes to things like that. He's got a little bit of ADD. My son had that and I know all about how it works and how it does not. God bless the mothers of children with disabilities!

I know a little about Asperger's Syndrome and I think if my son were to have been diagnosed now, he would have gotten that diagnosis. It's a shame that we didn't get the proper help and support back then when we needed it. Everything and every school year was an uphill battle.

Well, I have to bring this to an end, because Jesker has decided that he wants to go for a walk. He was very clear about it. So you all have a very good day and enjoy the good weather and the sunshine, which we have here in abundance.



Elaine said...

I saw somewhere an alarm clock which looks like a UFO. If you ignore it when it goes off in the morning it literally takes off and starts flying all over the bedroom and around your head with lights flashing and sirens going, and it will land on the other side of the room STILL making that noise until you get out of bed.

How awful!

I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible day yesterday. I hope and pray that today is a much better one for you, Irene.

If I have a dispute with a company, I rarely call any more because I only get the monkey on the end of the phone and a supervisor or manager is never available. I do it all in writing now - so I can think it out and choose my words and not have them wind me up with their stupid voices.

Hugs. x

aims said...

Small steps forward - that's what we have to take - every single minute of our lives.

Oh to be able to leap and bound all over the place - to chase a mouse if we wish or piddle on a tree....Life would be somewhat easier wouldn't it?

jeannette stgermain said...

Take it easy on yourself today, Irene, since you had a bad day yesterday. May be that is why you needed more sleep to get more energy for today. We all have these days sometimes - don't worry about it too much! Hope for a better day tomorrow, eh?

Maggie May said...

Glad you are calmer, Irene.
yesterday is over and cannot be undone so it seems a waste of time to dwell on it.
New beginnings. Its the panic that is the problem. If that could be managed then you would cope better.
Wishing you a brilliant nights sleep.
Do catch that mouse & kill it. It might bring in its many cousins.
You feed those cats too well! Otherwise they might try harder to catch it.
You can always go to the Landlord, I suppose he is responsible.

powdergirl said...

Holy crap, I musta missed something in my reader.
Gone to the beach, but I'll be catching up later.

Bad day yesterday? Aspergers syndrome?

You just walk the nice pup and then relax!

Go easy on yourself.

Gail said...

Hang in there, Irene!