Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Big Plans...

I had planned to sweep the floors and dust the furniture when I came home at 3 pm this afternoon, but I got waylaid by Jesker, who needed lots of attention and food and a walk, and then I got distracted by checking my bank account, which was surprisingly low and I was expecting some money to be deposited into it, which wasn't there, and then I got absorbed in reading my mail, which looked very important, but after reading every piece of it, it all turned out to be a popcorn fart, so I filed it away and was left, for now, with one bill to pay, which will have to wait until I am more solvent. Men, do I live an exciting life or what?

So, then the computer was on and I had a choice, do I sweep and dust in the heat, or do I park myself behind the computer at the end of the day and ignore the dust and dog hair? I chose the latter as you can see and I feel good about the choice and am glad to sit down here and unwind for a bit and let my fingers do the walking across the keyboard.

I can sweep and dust tomorrow when I'll be home at 12:30 pm, just before the "cleaning person" gets here and he better not expect me to wash windows with him, because it is way to hot for that and all house cleaning should really be suspended until the temperatures drop.

Everybody's idea of a summer afternoon right now is to sit in their gardens with refreshing drinks and I'm keeping relatively cool in the apartment where it is four degrees cooler than it is outside. Luckily, I have a well insulated place and the back is in constant shade, cooling things down a bit. I have the top windows open to create a draft and it is just working.

This morning I went to the tobacconist, where I had not been for ten days and I was pleasantly surprised that I made my tobacco last that long, and I made a side trip to a clothing store where I bought a decent pair of slippers for ten Euros. They are dressy and don't look cheap, but now I need to do my toenails, because they look kind of raggedy, because really, when do I ever pay attention to my toenails hidden away as they are inside my socks and boots so much? They are a long way from my head.

When I got to creative therapy, I did not feel like working on my painting and the therapist did not remind me to work on it, she has obviously forgotten, so instead I doodled uselessly with no plan in my head at all. I am just wasting time and sitting there doodling and accomplishing very little, but I like that right now, but of course I achieve nothing and that can't be the purpose, so next time I'll go back to the painting and be a good sport about it. I don't think I'm supposed to sit there and waste my time and have no challenges.

We were talking about the reality of life and I said that I didn't live a real life at all, but in a completely make believe life that had very little to do with reality and that I made everything up as I went along and that it was filled with virtual people, so I never became lonely.It's not true that I make everything up, but it is true that a large part of my life exists in the virtual world and that it is as real to me as the people who walk down the street, who I have little in common with.So it is more real to me, actually.

No doubt that little nugget of insight is going to get shared among the therapists in the office.

I always have great doubt if, in an unguarded moment, I should reveal these things about myself, as I keep so much of myself hidden. That's because I do know what's acceptable and normal and what isn't. Maybe I should reveal these things about myself, it might be good.

Uh, I 'm a little bit in uncomfortable waters now so let's move on to other things.

Time is striding by and tomorrow it will be July, I can't believe it. Here I am still waiting for spring to complete itself and it has already done so and we have had our longest day already. There is something about growing older and having time move by more quickly. I feel I need to accomplish some things before it is September, but I'm not doing them. I'm just floating on a passing cloud not making dents in the fabric of my life, not making big changes. I need a struggle with myself about something and to win a battle, but I'm not seeing myself doing it. I just see me avoiding difficult situations and me making sure I'm safe.

Maybe that's all I'm supposed to do, is keep myself safe. Out of harms way, but will it lead to accomplishments? Or is that an accomplishment?

My biggest accomplishment to date has been not to go around the bend when the opportunity has presented itself. I go a little nuts for a few days, but then I regulate myself and get back to "normal." I do this all on my own, without anybody coming here and holding my hand and without increasing my medicines. I guess that counts for something.

Oh well, let cheerfulness reign. It was a hot and muggy day today and tomorrow is going to be even hotter. They've torn up the fields and leveled them off and put compost on them and soon they will reseed them, but they will need some rain for the new grass to grow. Timing is everything. Maybe they know something we don't know. A long term forecast maybe? It would be nice to have some rain now to make the dust settle.

Have a great evening, everyone. I'm going to eat mackerel in tomato sauce.


Monday, June 29, 2009

At the end of the afternoon...

...I drink a mug of coffee to clear the cobwebs out of my head, but why are they there, you ask? I don't know! They just accumulate there after I've done a lot of things behind the computer, so it must be from sitting in one position too long that the mental spiders take the opportunity to spin their webs. So, quick, I must pour in some coffee to clear my mind and shake myself free of those raggedy threads that accumulate dust and forgetfulness.

I was busier at the beginning of the afternoon when I cleaned up the living room and the kitchen and did the dishes and a load of laundry and almost dusted everything, but came to my senses at the last minute and went to the drugstore instead.

I bought a new mascara, because the old one was damn near empty and did hardly anything for my lashes at all, but just elongate them a little bit to not make me look completely naked eyed, but it was a lot of hard work to get them to that point and then you do realize that you're fighting a battle and that you need to throw that mascara away and buy a nice new one. Which I did and it will make my lashes long and lush and it is waterproof, it said so on the package and I always believe what it says on the package, don't you?

I also bought myself a new jar of styling wax, because when I was at the hairdresser, I realized that her wax was a totally different consistency than the wax I had at home and she was getting such nice results with her wax, whereas I was getting crummy results with my wax, which I realized then was to thick and sticky. I just had the wrong wax. So I went to the shelf with hair products and opened each jar of hair wax until I found the right one with the right consistency and I didn't look at the price, I just put it in my basket.

Then I did a daring deed and went to the perfumes and eau de colognes and picked one out that was not too expensive, but that smelled nice enough, because I am totally out of any kind of nice smelling product at all, except for my deodorant and, since I'm a woman in heart and soul, I want to smell nice and attractive. I bought some Gabriela Sabatini and hope to God that the scent lasts all day and that I don't have to keep applying it every time I turn around.

Last, but not least, I bought some toe slippers and finally my little toe is not squeezed into a shoe anymore and it is very happy to be out in the open. Luckily, the weather is going to be very nice this week and I'll be able to wear them a lot and I'm thinking of investing in another dressier pair for when I go out, as they can be had quite cheaply all over the place. I saw a little store that sells them right around the corner. So, I must go there tomorrow and invest in a pair, but that will be all the shopping I'll do for myself.

So, as they say, it's the little things that must make you happy and they did indeed. It took quite a bit of courage to spend this money on myself, because right now I have a non spending policy, but it was necessary. As it is, I'm not going to be buying any plants for the pots outside, because despite the Exfactor's efforts at fixing my bike, it is worse than ever and I'm going to be needing a new back wheel, so I'll be spending the money on that instead. I have to make choices and my bike is more important than plants in pots, no matter how pretty.

The Exfactor is on a motorcycle trip to France right now with the Paramount and should be back by the weekend. They are camping and carrying all their gear with them. You can see that they are well suited for each other, because that's not the kind of trip that would have made me happy. I'm more of a luxury animal and like Bed & Breakfasts or little hotels. And traveling by car or train. I never did take to riding on the back of the motorcycle and found it a very primitive form of transport and mighty uncomfortable and I was very embarrassed about the whole thing at first.

Well, now I've got to take Jesker for a walk and have something to eat.

I hope you all had a nice day and that you will have an equally good evening.


No Dawdling.

If I don't dawdle I can very quickly write a post before I have to get my act together. I am sitting here in the early morning and have been up for awhile, because I went to sleep early last night. It was wonderful, I couldn't keep my eyes open and laid down in the bed like the Lady of Shallot and drifted off to sleep and dreamed intricate symbolic dreams that were very meaningful to me and give me food for thought.

It is creative therapy day and I'm looking forward to it very much. I will be working on that circular doodle that I'm coloring with ink as I go along. I'm hoping it will turn out even better than the other three, because there will be much less black in it. You learn as you go along and you learn from you probable errors, even if they are little ones. I don't mind that, as long as there is headway.

I've forgotten to put out the trash, because I went to sleep so early and just now the trash man came by. It was too late for me to run out half dressed to put my bag out. Well, it isn't the first time I have forgotten and I will just have double the trash next week. I pay per bag, so it's no big deal.

You must have all noticed that my mood has become "normal" again. It has for a few days now, but I didn't want to mention it in case it was just a freak occurrence and I'd start cycling again, but I'm pretty sure it's over now. This is a great relief to me, because there is nothing nicer than knowing in what sort of mood you will be all day long and to have it be mostly upbeat is a nice bonus.

The things to do are, eat on time, drink something nutritious regularly, get away from the computer on time, rest every once in a while and go to sleep on time, no matter what time that is. Oh yes, and take breaks from whatever you do. In my case I get to walk the dog and make cigarettes and sit by the dining table for a while and look out the window and contemplate my navel, which is highly underrated. You must contemplate your navel regularly.

I got up this morning and had to give the cats fresh milk and kibbles and the dog clean water. There's always so much to keep your eye on and the cats will give off signals, but the dog doesn't let on anything. He'd go thirsty all day if I didn't pay attention. Sometimes I feel like a mother hen, busy clucking over her chicks, making sure my brood is safe and sound.

I suppose that's very similar to motherhood, if I think back on it, except that having animals is easier, because you don't constantly have to pick them up and reassure them that you love them. They come to you to be petted, but if you don't have time, they aren't traumatized and they just wait for the next opportunity. They also don't cry when they fall over, because they don't, having four feet to stand on. They also eat everything in their dish and go to sleep without making a fuss.

I have to decide what I'm going to wear. It's going to be a hot day today with lots of sunshine. I think T-shirt and denim skirt day, but not the mini one, because I'll have bare legs and I don't want to show too much of them to the world. I think I'm past the age of showing a lot of leg. Maybe Tina Turner can do that, but she's got a nice pair.

Right, I'll get the show on the road now. I've got to do all my morning chores in a hurry.

Have a terrific day, hope the weather treats you nice.


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Easy as pie...

I have been writing very short stories here and here, so if you want something to read, be my guest and indulge. I've been using this weekend to catch up on such things and it pleases me very much to do so, because I get a chance to read what other people have written and comment on those stories as well. We short story writers need a lot of encouragement, although I think the true dedicated ones will write without it also, just for the sake of writing, as long as there is a forum for them.

Today is the glorious day of Sunday, the day on which no work is done, officially. I did clean up the kitchen and living room a bit before I sat myself down here, but I ought to do some dishes and it may be possible that I'll do those yet and a load of laundry. As long as I'm doing it out of my free will, and not because I'm compelled to out of a feeling of guilt, I think I can handle those few chores.

I've just used the last tall glass that was in the cupboard to drink my juice from and now I only have little glasses left, so I must do the dishes, because I refuse to drink from a little glass. I'm a true American and only want large portions of anything. I also drink my coffee from the largest mug that I have in the apartment and it is just big enough for a double serving of Senseo.

When offered a cookie, I always take two. One cookie is nothing. It hardly opens up your taste buds, but here it's normal to take only one. I think that's so Puritan. I think you really should eat four cookies at one sitting. Two at the time with your two cups of tea. That's not too much, is it?

When having people over for dinner, I think there should be an abundance of food and not just enough to go around. People should feel free to take seconds or thirds and you should never be in the position where you have to say to them that the food is all gone, except for the meat dish maybe, or if it is an individual fish portion. All other things should be piled on. You want people to waddle home and groan while they're doing it. I learned that while being part of a large American family and no, I wasn't overweight then.

Until I was forty, I was a comfortable size 10 in the States, or a size 40 In the Netherlands. Then I started to take anti depressives and anti psychotics and mood stabilizers and I gained a tremendous amount of weight, but nobody warns you about that or sends you to a dietitian to guide you through this process. I'm not the only one this has happened to. People gain 40 or 50 kilos on those medications.

Well, anyway, let's not look back on that too much, because it is water under the bridge and I am losing weight, but I had to lie my head off to get that gastric band.

I just had a tin of mackerel in tomato sauce and it was delicious as ever. They are just very small tins, but I can handle one of them. I always burp something awful afterwards and can't drink anything for half an hour or so. That would overload my system and I have to wait until the food has passed the band. Therefor all the burping.

I have been drinking a light vitamin juice, beside the regular vitamin juice that I drink, because I want to drink less coffee and it's nice to have a cold drink now that the days are so warm. The fact that it's a light juice, makes me feel not so bad about drinking it, because the regular vitamin juice is packed with calories. I have two glasses of that a day. I have two or three glasses of the light juice and an added benefit of that one is that it keeps you regular, if you know what I mean. A woman my age can use a little help. Another option would be prunes or prune juice, which are not as great.

I like it better than drinking the light coke, which has a lot of caffeine in it and no vitamins and I do want everything that I eat or drink to be healthy for me. Even my coffee has low fat milk in it and not a little bit either. I'm quite generous with it. I drink almost a liter of milk a day, so that's about a quart. Some of the milk goes to the cats who need theirs refreshed twice a day.

My, how did I get so serious all of the sudden? You'd think I was preparing a food manual. Maybe mackerel is brain food and my brain cells have been affected. I need something to make me funny fast. It's too bad I know only one good joke and even that one is of dubious quality.

I'm actually a quite funny person, you know. A la Monty Python, in a very silly sort of way. I like the ridiculous, like slapping people about the head with large fish and the department of silly walks. My son and I always used to do that one. He'd say, "Walk this way," and go off walking in a very silly way and I would follow him walking in the same silly way. He was a great Monty Python fan.

Well, now I'm going to do a few of those chores I was talking about. If I can pull myself away from the computer, that is. It's so addictive and then you get new emails that need to be answered.

Have a good rest of the Sunday and be restful, please.


Saturday, June 27, 2009


This morning I got up before the alarm clock even had a chance to go off. I had slept a lot on the sofa last night while attempting to watch TV. I tried to watch several programs, but spent nearly the whole evening in a sound slumber and when I woke up from it, I took my medicines and went straight to bed. My wonderful bed that I can't get enough of in my cozy, as yet unpainted, bedroom.

Luckily, although I was somewhat comatose when I woke up, I did have the wherewithal to get on the bathroom scale and weigh myself, which I always do first thing in the morning before I've had my coffee, and with my lightweight pajamas on. I weighed 92.6 kilos, so now I've lost more than 7 kilos. A big congratulations to myself is in order here, because now I'm at the halfway mark and have 7 kilos left to lose.

After that, I'm going to pretty much keep eating the way I am now, so we'll see what happens. I may add something like low fat yogurt or cottage cheese with pine apple or some other treat. I'll see. The thing is to keep eating nutritious and responsible and not eat empty calories or calories that are packed with sugars or fat.

The reason I got up early, was to get to the supermarket on time, so after I was awake sufficiently, I got dressed and walked Jesker and then made a shopping list, which pretty much looks the same every week, give or take a few items. Mentally, I walk through the store and make my list accordingly, so one item will follow the other in the right order.

I got on my extremely funky bike, which now sounds as if it will fall apart any minute, and rode it on the quiet streets to the store, where it was uncrowded, and got a trolley and started shopping. The only thing I had to stop and think about was the lunch meat and which kind to get. I finally settled on salami, which I think will make my open faced sandwiches very appealing this week. I try to pick a different lunch meat every week to keep things a bit exciting in my otherwise very unexciting menu.

I was home a little after 9 am and unpacked the groceries under Jesker's watchful eyes and fed him some good Bonzo chicken with vegetables. He made short shrift of that and licked his jowls afterwards. Then he ran around the living room a couple of times, which seems to be mandatory after he's eaten well, and then he collapsed in a heap and slept, no doubt to aid his digestion.


I'm so happy with my haircut, that I keep looking in the mirror to admire it. I think, after all, that I'm happier with it than when I have it cut at the walk in Chinese on the market square. This should be a lesson for me that I mustn't forget. And, of course, there is also the ambiance of which there isn't any at the Chinese and lots of it at the shop around the corner. And there is the fact that they know me well there, because I've been coming there for years, so I was being awfully disloyal by going to the Chinese who doesn't know me from Adam and who could not care less, really, about my hair.


Today is plant watering day again and I have to tell you that, except for the hardy fern, which needs to be repotted, all the plants are doing well and none of them are dropping leaves anymore, That means I've stopped killing them with kindness and in a little while, I'm going to look for a bigger pot to put the fern in. I would like some more plants, but I really don't have any space to put them, unless I find some that really like dark corners.

The fig plant is turning into a monstrosity and really should be in a bigger pot, but I don't have one as yet, so it has to be patient for just a little while. It is standing on a somewhat fragile plant stand which really can't take a bigger pot, so I will have to stand it on the ground and hope the cats leave it alone. Actually, I just realized that I have a big pot outside to put it in. Aha, what a good idea. Well, you all know what I'm going to be doing next.


Jesker just moves his exhausted body from one place in the living room to the next. Now he's laying under the desk, so I have to make sure that I don't stretch out my legs and kick him. You can tell he's an old dog by the amount of sleeping that he does and his contentment by his gentle snoring. Or so I interpret it. I like the sound. It would irritate me if a human being would snore like that, but coming from Jesker I find it soothing. I have no desire to pinch his nose.

Well, I'm off to rescue plants from their too small pots. Wish me luck and a green thumb or two.

Have a nice day, you all.


Friday, June 26, 2009

What you do...

I woke up at 6 am, full of good intentions, but as I sat there with my coffee and my cigarettes, all my good intentions flew out the window and at 7 am I called in sick for creative therapy. Then I went back to sleep for a few hours thinking it would cheer me up.

Well, it was nice to sleep some more, but it didn't really cheer me up and it felt like a bear was sitting on my chest preventing me from breathing deeply and causing me pain there. This was more than melancholy, this was depression, but you're not supposed to call it that if you've only had it for such a short time. So we'll just simply call it a depressed mood.

I was supposed to see Von this afternoon, but the thought of riding my bike downtown and making cheerful conversation was too much for me to contemplate and I canceled our date.

Then I sat and thought about what I really wanted to do and I thought I really wanted to go to the cozy hairdresser around the corner and have my hair washed and cut, so that is what I did. The girls there are so nice and always talk to you and smile at you and get you a coffee and I love to have someone mess with my hair. It is the ultimate luxury to me. It's a treat and I needed one.

I had my hair cut real short on the sides and in the back and just a little bit off the top. The girl fixed it very well with wax and hairspray and in a little while, if I have the energy, I will take a picture of myself and stick it in my profile.

If I had any nails to speak off, I would have a manicure and a pedicure and while I'm at it, I would also have a whole body massage with herbal oils, but that is too dear for me. I just want to be pampered. Wouldn't it be nice if those services were included in the mental health package? People who don't get touched enough need those things.

It's very hot outside, too hot for my liking, and you can hardly wear any clothes. Sun dresses are about it, but I feel so naked in only a sun dress. I want to wear something to cover my arms, or at least my shoulders and upper arms.

It's going to be hot tomorrow, but we are supposed to have some rain and I do hope it materializes to cool things off a little bit, it would be so nice.

I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and I'm undecided how I feel about that. I like being in the store picking out things to eat, but I don't like the wobbly trip home with the full bags. I do like the feeling of satisfaction I have when it is done and all the groceries are put away. Maybe it would help if I went early when there is little traffic, but that would mean getting my act together quickly in the morning. I may try that. I make no promises, but I'll try...

Jesker is laying here on the cool floor. The apartment is still cooler than it is outside. The bedrooms are in the shade most of the day and stay cool. The sun shines through the livingroom windows all afternoon and I have the shades two thirds shut, but not completely as this makes me feel claustrophobic. I do want to be able to look outside. I'm drinking diet lemonade to stay cool. It's delicious.

Now you see? That little outing to the hairdresser did me so much good. That was the right thing to do for me. When in emotional need, pamper yourself, that's the lesson. Don't try to be all things for all people. Just try to be good for yourself.

That's all I have to share for now. My mood has climbed back up, I am glad. I have to take advantage of it while I can.

Have a good rest of the day and be good for yourself.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Just like that...

Since today was Thursday, I didn't have any therapy at all, so I could sleep a little bit later. The alarm clock still went off at 7 am, but I shut it off and went back to sleep until 8:30 am. I was expecting the "cleaning person" at 11 am and wanted to get some things done before he got here.

I had washed Jesker's blanket and wanted to vacuum the area rug under the coffee table really well so as to prevent any flea population from developing. I think we are free of fleas so far, but you never know. I also wanted to vacuum the furniture because the sides of everything was covered in dog hair.

But first I wanted to very leisurely wake up and then clean up the kitchen, so I had some cups of coffee while I made cigarettes and watched the world outside go by through the not so clean windows.

After I did all my morning rituals, walk Jesker, take my medication and all those other things, I got to work and just as I was finished, the "cleaning person" showed up and surprised me by suggesting that we wash the living room windows together. That was an offer I was not going to refuse and we went to work while Jesker barked at us, because he thought we were doing strange things.

The result was very clean windows that you can look through without seeing a speck of dirt, so I was mighty pleased and we are going to do the bedroom windows next week. Jesker will think that is even stranger.

I vacuumed the bedroom after the "cleaning person" was gone and made sure the bathroom was cleaned up and I thought that was enough of that. There's only so much cleaning I'm willing to do in one day, so I turned on the computer and had me some quality time there.

My mood has settled on the minus side of the middle, which is not bad and something I can live with and I don't find it difficult at all, but what I didn't realize until tonight is that I am still ultra rapid cycling and that in the afternoon my mood takes a turn for the worse and I really need to go to sleep then to reset the whole mechanism.

The change in mood sneaks up on me and I'm in the middle of it before I realize it and think I've felt that way all day long. I get very downhearted and somber minded and think and do things that I come to regret later after I've slept for a few hours. It's a big black pothole that I've walked in and I don't realize it until afterwards. So I have to keep an eye on that.

I'm a vulnerable person and I guess I always will be and my moods will never be stable for long periods of time. I get upset easily and must always guard over my emotional health. The hard part is, that every time there is a change, I have to remember how to deal with it and pull all the tricks out of my sleeve.

Well, I relearned something today, a little bit the hard way, but I'm on to it now.

Have a good night and a good morning everyone.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Shutting off the alarm clock...

This morning, I unwittingly shut off the alarm clock and went back to sleep and woke up and hour and a half later, which meant that, at my speed of getting the show on the road, I was going to be late for ergo therapy, so I made a phone call to leave a message letting them know that.

Then I relaxed and had my coffee and cigarettes in a leisurely manner until I was in a functioning mode and could take care of myself and Jesker.

There is a multitude of things I have to do in about 40 minutes time then, not to forget the cats who need clean water and milk and fresh food in their dishes. I have to pretty much do it in the proper order or else I'll forget something and leave the house without having taken my medicines or something. Mostly I manage pretty well, though, and somehow get it all done, although sometimes I forget to check Jesker's water bowl and I get home and it is empty.

So, I got to ergo therapy late and I was in the kind of mood that I really didn't care. I so didn't want to sit and listen to everybody's problems and it was hard to sit at the table and feign interest and not show boredom. I suppose that after a year, you get a little callous, not about everything and everybody, but about somethings and somebodies and I realized that I didn't want to come up with solutions and comforting words, because I didn't have any. At least not for the two people who needed them most, because they are way at the beginning of a process that I left behind me along time ago.

When it was my turn to say how I was doing, I said I was doing great and I briefly described the blip on the radar, but that it was now behind me. I don't like to sit and make a long drama out of it. It has been dealt with, it is over. No need to make a sob story out of it once again. I already did that.

I don't know. I always make short shrift of my time to speak and I always do it in the most optimistic terms. I try not to sit there as a helpless victim with an unsolvable problem. I try to be ahead of the game and already have the answers and just need help in applying them. It's possibly because I'm lucky and have a good SPN and psychiatrist, so I have people outside of the therapies to talk to.

I'm dealing with ultra rapid cycling right now and go from very good moods to low moods, but they aren't so bad that I can't face life. I just get confused and expect to be in one mood when I'm in another. Once I realized what was happening, it made it easier, but it's still a pain in the rear end not knowing which side is going to be up. Accepting the mood you're in is the best thing you can do. Embrace your mood, don't fight it. There's a lesson to be learned in each one and they're both familiar territory.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon to fix my bike. It seems that he took care of it, but I do have a funny sound now when I ride it, so maybe it is time for a new used bike. I will have to see what I'm going to do in my penny pinching mode.

Alright, with this happy tiding I'm leaving you.

The weather has been great here today, by the way, sunshine all bloody day long.



It's late at night, but I don't yet feel like going to bed at all. It's very cozy here right now. The cats are hanging around and Jesker is rolling around on the floor pretending he's a puppy, which he sometimes does in his old age. He just woke up from a long nap and wanted some attention and something to eat, which I have just given him.

I've spent the evening reading blogs and commenting on them and answering emails. I keeps me busy and off the street where a well brought up woman like me has no business hanging around. Could you see me now, hanging out on street corners, decked out in my finest, trying to drum up business? The idea alone gives me the shivers.

Besides, I'm too much of a homebody to be out at night. I need to know that my bed is within a short walking distance in case I'm suddenly attacked by sleep, which can happen in a moment without much notice. Since I've exchanged bedrooms, my bed is even more appealing than the sofa ever was and the cats feel the same way, because I regularly share the bed with at least one of them. Gandhi wins that battle most often, causing Toby to feel left out and moping on the kitchen counter.

I don't care if they want to sleep on the bed, as long as I get to stretch out completely and I don't have to sleep in some convoluted way that's uncomfortable and makes me wake up with sore legs. I am not in the least bit nice about sharing the space if they get in the way and I take up all the room I want. They have to accommodate me. I'm so glad the dog doesn't sleep on the bed. We would have major issues about the space.

Oh yes, this morning I weighed 93.1 kilos, so I'm coming up on 7 kilos lost. Just a little bit more.

At creative therapy this morning, I ate 5 pieces of nougat that were sitting in a dish right in the middle of the table waiting for me to have some. Well really, what did you expect me to do? And yesterday I ate 5 chocolates or maybe 6, I lost count. Those sort of things fill me up for quite a long time and it takes a while before I'm hungry again. I never say no to anything sweet. I'm not that kind of dieter. I'm an opportunistic sweets eater. I never say no to cookies either. That´s why I´m the Cookie Monster.

Sometimes I have to take my regular glasses off behind the computer and put on my reading glasses and then I get up forgetting that I´m wearing those, because in my head I´m just registering that I´m wearing glasses. It doesn´t dawn on me that my vision is impaired for distance and I start to take the dog out wearing my reading glasses and I´m already out the door before I realize it. I just shove them to the top of my head and continue on instead of going back in to get my proper glasses, but it´s mighty confusing, because they somewhat look alike too. I swear I have the makings in me to be an absent minded professor, except that I don´t have the qualifications to be one.

Now, every time I go out the door, I look at something far away to make sure I have the right glasses on and even then I doubt my own judgment. I get so confused.

How many people second guess themselves about something when they go out and wonder if they´ve forgotten to put on an article of clothing? Suddenly you feel under dressed somewhere and you are convinced that something is missing and a slight panic attacks you until you´ve checked yourself and realize that everything is there.

Well, I suppose I ought to go to bed now, sensibility tells me I ought to, because I do have to get up at 7 am tomorrow morning. Not that I am in the least bit interested, but I guess everybody has a voice of reason inside of them that shouts at you when you´re trying to get away with something, although I am doing my best to ignore it. I would much rather stay up and do ten other things instead, because I´m past the point of needing to go to sleep.

It´s really a damn shame that I have such a well developed sense of responsibility. Or should I call it duty. I could do with a little less of it and not be so damn obedient all the time. A little bit of rebelliousness wouldn´t be out of place. It might actually become me.

But no, I have to go and be good, because otherwise I will not be able to pull myself together into a well functioning human being in the morning and I will need forever to get my act together. There, that´s the voice of reason and I don´t want to sleep through the happy cheerful beeping of the alarm clock.

So, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow, until we meet again...


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Bouncy Castle.

I've bounced back really well after a telephone conversation this afternoon with my daughter and my subsequent session with my SPN, who got my thinking about the problem straightened out. We eliminated some of the darkness in my mind and alleviated some of the pain in my heart, so now I can function again like a normal human being.

I would like to step right back into my hypomanic phase, but I don't think that I'll be so lucky, although I do feel a huge lightening of the load. I wasn't quite done with my hypomanic experiment and wanted many more weeks of trying to keep the reigns in my hands while being so absolutely convinced of my righteousness and superiority. Now I will slowly let that feeling creep back into my being, where I want it to belong and take over the darker clouds that linger in the recesses of my mind. I'm not an undeserving woman, after all. I am convinced of that.

It's strange how your days go. Today I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and I barely paid attention to what was happening around me. I didn't really care that much and thought everybody had to figure it out on their own today, without my two cents worth. I'm usually pretty alert to what goes on around me, but today I didn't give a hoot. I felt insulated by bubble wrap.

The bubble wrap has mostly come off now except for a piece here and there, clinging stubbornly as it will (static electricity), and I'm not so insulated anymore. I felt the sun on my face when I rode my bike to my appointment, pedaling like a mad woman at times and not getting ahead. That bike!

This morning at creative therapy I started to color my doodles with colored ink. I don't know if this is a good idea, but once I started, there was no way back. I just started on my third one and when they are done, I will take pictures of them and post them. It seemed like a good idea, but I am full of doubt.

Hypomanic people are not full of doubt. They are sure about anything they undertake and undertake whatever comes up into their heads, within a certain amount of reason. I mean, they don't go streaking naked down the street. There would be no reason for it, unless they could win a bet or somebody dared them to.

I've just made myself a nice mug of coffee. I am feeling sleepy ahead of time and I can't have that. It's probably the emotions from the past twenty four hours. An over dose of emotions can make you physically tired.

I think that today I'll pretend to be the queen who has been struck by an arrow in her bosom fired by her most ungrateful of subjects, a drunken man who has plotted and schemed for a long time to hurt her most royal majesty where it hurts most. Luckily, it wasn't a poisoned arrow and my head physician was able to remove it without much blood loss and it didn't hit my heart, though it missed it by millimeters. Luckily, I am also ample bosomed and that cushioned the impact.

Well, those are all the fun things I had to tell you today. A sort of rambling post that didn't reveal much of importance, except that I'm still here and as crazy as ever.

I hope you all had a lovely day.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Hanging in there...

I've dealt with the mail. With much trepidation I opened all the envelopes and much to my relief, everything was much simpler and less complicated than I had anticipated, so I dealt with all of it and at the same time brought my administration in order and I just got back with Jesker from a walk to the local mailbox. There, that's done for now until the next round of mail.


I wrote the above a few hours ago. Since then I've had a phone call that has set me back quite a bit and to be honest with you, my mood has plummeted and I'm not sure if I'm going to finish writing this post, because I can't discuss with you the nature of the phone call without seriously damaging someone's reputation, yet I don't like to write in riddles.

I don't know if this has caused permanent damage to the mood I was in, but I'm afraid I'm not doing so well right now. A ghost from the past is haunting me and I would say that is very bad timing coming as it does after my wonderful memories of my son.

I feel I am back in the old territory of sadness and pain and it feels as familiar as an old worn coat."Oh yes," my whole being is saying, "We know this, we feel right at home here."

Suffice it to say that I'm making this a very short post, because I have no happiness in me to write anything cheerful.

Sorry about that.


The wee hours.

For some reason, I have been up since the wee hours of the night and I've heard the birds greet the early morning and watched it become dawn. That made me happy, to see the first signs of daylight, as it signaled the end of the night and made my presence here more legitimate because people are only supposed to be up in something that resembles the early morning, no matter what time it is on the Northern hemisphere.

The dog took the opportunity to start the day early too, once he realized I was up, and had to do numerous piddles out back. Then he decided he was hungry and started to eat the cat food, but I got him to stop that by giving him a bowl of his new dog kibbles and he vacuumed those up.It was just like that, like he was an elephant with a long trunk sucking up the kibbles and then they were gone.Then he ate all the cat food anyway. I sat here in resignation. So did Toby.

It's going to be a partially cloudy day today with the temperature around 18 degrees C. I already know what I am going to wear, the same thing I did yesterday, because it was comfortable and pretty, although I may change the cardigan for a different one and the leggings for gray ones that match the gray dots in the dress. I always have to color co-ordinate.It's the sign of a well turned out woman.

It's creative therapy morning and I'm going to work on my doodle in a circle and not do a sculpture, because I could not find any I wanted to make. I would google some, but the printer is almost out of ink and I can't print the image if I find one. That is one thing I will do, is get the cartridge refilled right at the computer store around the corner. Life is so full of expenses.

Anyway, I don't mind doodling, because it will put me in a different part of the studio where some interesting women hang out and I like to watch them work, One of them is making fantastic artworks with oil pastels and paints and inks and the one she's working on now is going to be wonderful. It's a pleasure to see it and to see her absorbed in the work.

This doodle I'm making I'm going to color with ink also as an experiment to see how it will look. I am going to allow myself to make mistakes and have it turn into a flop and start all over again if I want to.

This afternoon, I will get serious about the mail and about sweeping the floors and dusting the apartment. More dedication can not be expected of me. I have four cups and a mug and two glasses and some utensils to wash, it's not worth the dish washing liquid.

I have bought some wonderful low sugar strawberry jam that tastes very good on muesli bread and is a real treat. I allow myself one slice of it a day. I am going to have some for breakfast shortly. That and a glass of juice are a good start to the day. Maybe I won't want to have so many cookies at therapy, where they call me the Cookie Monster.

I weighed 93.4 kilos this morning, so I have lost 6.5 kilos, that's a little more than 14 lbs. I am steadily going downwards. It's very encouraging to see less ounces every day, but I see it especially in my face which has gotten thinner.

One of these days, I'll get myself all fixed up and take many pictures of me with glasses on and pick out the best one and post it. That will be my new profile picture. I had to get used to me in these glasses first. I am used to them by now and am willing to show you.

Well, I'll write more later today when I'm done getting through everything. It will be a good day, except for the unknown contents of the mail.

Have a good day, you all.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

In my pajamas.

It was already past 1 pm and I was sitting here in my pajamas reading blogs and drinking glasses of multi vitamin juice, being a woman of leisure with nothing better to do but smoke numerous cigarettes and leave astute comments behind, when finally Jesker decided that he had digested his food well enough and that it was time to go out and do his business and leave his mark on the various bushes and lamp posts in the neighborhood.

This meant I had to get dressed and get my unruly, 'sticking up all over the place hair' in order. I did this by rubbing a damp washcloth over it and that worked just fine and I ended up with exactly the right hairdo so, as they say, you learn something new every day. Now I have washcloth hair that you apply hairspray to and that is extremely fashionable and wouldn't look out of place on the catwalk. I just need the body to go with it, but in my upbeat mind, I already have it and can't be persuaded to think anything else, so I act like I do.

Honestly, I have such a high opinion of myself, that I regularly need to be scraped off the ceiling and when I go outside, I should be weighed down by a ball and chain or I would escape gravity. Just now Jesker served that purpose. At the moment, I don't have a humble bone in my body and they are all light as air.

It can't be the weather that is making me feel this way, because we started the day off with showers, some of them pretty hefty. Jesker didn't even want to go out back in them and did a piddle on a weed that was growing in a crack by the wall of the apartment just outside the door. He has no sense of decorum whatsoever. Maybe it will kill the weed and I won't have to pull it out, but it's a pretty tall one and well established.

That goes to show you how much I let nature take its course out back. All growing things go their own way. I have some very pretty flowering weeds in the flowerbeds that I refuse to pull out. The flowers are dainty and pink and it looks like someone planted them there. Nothing can kill them, because Jesker piddles on them too. Besides, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth. We walk in nature to see these things grow in their natural habitat.

I'm wearing a sun dress with a short cardigan over it and leggings and my boots that I like the best. The shrinkage of my stomach encourages me to try on some different clothes and to walk prouder. I imagine everyone can see that there are 6 kilos missing, but that may be my own assumption.

I assume a lot nowadays. Like knowing what's best for the world and how to solve all of its problems. I'd have firing squads for all corrupt government officials all over the world. Especially those leading African countries and I would put women in charge there and imprison any man who would try to rise to the political top. God, I would be a despot.

I suppose I feel like a despot right now in the sense that I think I'm always right and that I can't give a wrong answer to a problem. A sort of omnipotence has entered my being. I feel like a small god, small being very relative, of course. Small in the sense of the universe, but not in the sense of the human scale. Maybe I have 'world leader madness' and you are supposed to have this when you have high political ambitions. Maybe Obama has it and maybe even the Pope.

But look at me, I'm not even a big fish in a little pond, although secretly I think differently and I think I am God's gift to the world. A well hidden treasure like the Grail and some day my true purpose will be revealed. All mad people must have a special destiny, don't you think? They are the oracles for their generation. Maybe they are the prophets. I better start to speak very sagely now and in parables.

I have to keep my wits about me in this hypomanic mood and not get derailed. I am going to try and be a good observer of myself and see how I handle various situations and various people. Contrary to what I thought in the past, that a hypomanic mood had to be suppressed as quickly as possible, I'm allowing myself to have this one and to learn from it what I can.

My experiences and interpretations will be different than when I am in another mood and I want to take advantage of that and integrate these lessons into my thoughts about myself and the world around me. I don't want to waste the opportunity to see things from a different angle and from a way more secure and upbeat point of view. I am not going to suppress it with medication.

Saturday's mail is laying unopened on the dining table. It was late yesterday when I got it out of my mailbox and I excused myself from opening it. Today my excuse is that it is Sunday and that I don't do any work on the day of rest, as nobody else is doing any either. There is an official looking envelop from the Tax Office and I hardly dare open it. I don't know what sort of news it will bring me as it's coming quite unexpected.

I know curiosity will get the better of me and that I will open it later today and deal with whatever is inside. I just hope they don't want money, because I don't have any to go around. I am already thinking about not spending the money on the grasses for the pots and the frames for the collages.

I am such a penny pincher, I sit on my money and make every dime last. It's a sport to only spend a certain amount of money on groceries and tobacco each week and I'm doing great. Last year I was in constant danger of breaking the bank, but I have a completely different attitude now. I guard my money like a mother lioness guards her cubs. Even now when I'm hypomanic. Wild horses can't drag me to the stores to spend money on clothes and other items that I don't need. Besides, I'm shrinking into some clothes again.

My glasses? Well, I needed them. I look good and can see well and I wear them from the moment I get up until I go to sleep at night.

I bought a 2 kilo bag of cat food for 2 Euros and the cats like it better than the more expensive Gourmet and Felix cat food. They eat it and ignore what's in the other dish. Well, they are welcome to. As long as they eat with a good appetite and don't sit there and mope in front of their dishes I am happy. That's what they were doing, moping, like, "Do we have to eat this awfully expensive food?"

I also bought some different dried dog food for Jesker, because he also eats that, but just like his other dried food, it's only partially successful. He eats it with reluctance. Halfheartedly to tie him over until he gets his real food. He looks at me as if to say, "Woman, what have you wrought now?" You see how I have many telepathic dialogs with the animals. Well, it's silent from their side, I actually talk out loud to them.

Alright then, not because I'm running out of things to say, but because it's a long enough post, I will end it here. It's a true pleasure to sit here and just ramble on to my heart's contend. I could do this all afternoon and start a novelette.

I hope you're all having a good Sunday and something better than the gray rainy one we're having here, although personally it doesn't bother me, there's something cozy about it.


Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Green Stone Woman.

Many years ago, when I lived in Sonoma County and my son was still alive, I wrote a long story called 'The Green Stone Woman.' It was a story about my life then, disguised as a psychological fairytale in which there was no prince charming and in the end of which I died. I had a lot of moments of huge happiness then and other moments of terrible heartache. I felt I lived in a fantastic story myself and that in a way I had lost touch with any sort of ordinary life and only lived in extreme forms of emotions and conditions and predicaments.

The most normal people in my life then, although they could not even pull me close to near normality, were my two children who entered my life on a regular basis and reminded me of where I had come from and the heartache I felt about having left them behind.

One of the things we did, was go to Goat Rock beach where the Russian river emptied into the Pacific ocean and where there was a huge amount of stones washed up on the beach in all sorts of colors and patterns. It was fun to walk around with your head bent down to look for the prettiest stones when they were wet from the shallow waves washing over them. This released all the colors and patterns in them that you could not see as well when they were dry.

My son and I enjoyed doing this the most and we looked for the best stones we could find and became very picky. After a while, we decided to only collect the green stones with special patterns in them.

Now, I don't remember which came first, all those green stones, or one single accidental green stone and the story, but I became the Green Stone Woman and this fact is so intertwined with the existence and memory of my son, that I had pushed it out of my mind until today, when a photo on another blog reminded me of those days on that beach. I guess I am ready to remember that now.

In my mind's eye, I can see us walking there in the bright sunlight, getting excited about an especially pretty stone. My son's patience at looking for them was phenomenal. He was a teenager and you don't expect a teenage boy to get excited about looking for pretty stones with his Mom.

You have to be patient with me. It's like I'm pulling this out of a tiny bright pinhole in a big dark void. These are memories I don't dare look at usually.

I can hear my son's voice, the sound of it, the melody of it, the words he used, the way he talked to me in a slightly joking fashion. I see him walking beside me, very much taller than I was and not done growing yet.

I have about fifteen of those green stones here. I don't remember what happened to the rest of them. It's so long ago and far away. I also still have the story of The Green Stone Woman, but I have had no interest in reading it up to now, because it was written by someone who was emotionally trapped in fantastic highs and miserable lows.

The stones connect me to my son, more than anything else does, more than his ashes. My son is a constant presence in my life. I never question his nearness to me. Sometimes I think that if I will look over my shoulder at the right time, I will see him there, smiling at me. Guarding over me. Somehow making impossible things happen.

I don't know if I can find green stones in this region. I haven't looked for any yet and haven't really been in the right place and in the right frame of mind, but I'm going to start looking for them now, if there is an opportunity. It will also reconnect me to the woman I was then, because although I went through all those highs and lows, it was also a time in which a large part of me became liberated and started to form her own thought processes. It wasn't all bad.

Remembrance isn't such a bad thing, you just have to be ready for it and then give it the place and the honor it deserves. I wish all of you could have known my son, but you know him a little bit, because you know me and we were very much alike.

So tell me, do you have anything like green stones in your life?

Friday, June 19, 2009

A heck of a new day!

As far as I'm concerned, we all forget about that spiritual weblog that I tried to start up as soon as possible, because it caused me nothing but extreme frustration until the wee hours of the night, while finding out that I am a neo-pagan, and I just wanted it so badly, that I became fixated on it and couldn't leave it alone and wanted it to look the way I wanted it to and make it accept all your comments.

I should have seen the writing on the wall. The minute I start to involve my usual sober minded self with spiritual matters, it's a sign that I'm hypomanic, but I didn't even realize it until late at night when I was frustrating myself to pieces and becoming dysphoric. When it was already late enough, I took my heavy duty sleeping pill and my tranquilizers and went to bed, but this morning I was up bright and chipper when the alarm clock rang and more than ready to start the new day.

I felt I had no other duty but to set you all straight, but I have to figure out how to get back onto belief.net and I'll do that in a while, where I can direct lost and confused people back to this blog, but I hope you all have enough sense to have a look here. That #@%(*&^%(!@blog!!! I wish I had never run across it. Even now it is still tempting me with its spiritual lure and promises of customized headers and imported archives and friends who can leave comments. It's not out of my system yet. It's a fixation and I know them so well.

So this morning I went to creative therapy and walked in and someone said, "Oh, have you done something to your hair?" I said, "No silly, I'm wearing glasses!" Nobody else noticed them. At least, nobody commented on them, except for Lilian who reads this blog and knew I had them and she liked them. The rest looked at me like they always do, with friendly interested faces.

Anyway, I sat down at the workbench and said in a loud voice, "Okay, where are my cookies and my cup of coffee?'" You wouldn't believe it, but in the shortest amount of time I had a cup of coffee and two gingerbread cookies and a shortbread cookie. I guess I can be a very authoritative woman.

I finished that sculpture that is supposed to replace the one that got broken, but I don't have high hopes for it. I'm going to have to keep my fingers crossed for it and hope this one doesn't break also. In the meantime, I spoke French with P. who sat across from me and who is fluent and I'm not. Quel dommage! I do manage the odd phrase and sentence and pretend I understand half of what he says.

Anyway, he had been to Lourdes with his mother, even though he is not a believer, though his mother is, but he had a wonderful time and I guess it's something you have to experience, especially the light procession. And all around Lourdes it's hugely commercial with anything pertaining to religion for sale at hefty prices. And everywhere there are the sick and the disabled hoping to be cured and they come every year. It's their annual holiday.

After we had our break, I and some one else were late coming back to the studio and when I opened the door, I said, "Taraaah, here we are! Did you miss us?" And everyone said that they did very much. It's good to be so well liked, although I think they were just trying to humor us.

The weather couldn't make up its mind today. It threatened to rain, but never did and when the sun was out, it was warm, so I didn't know how to dress for my afternoon downtown with Von. In the end I went with the layered look, figuring I could take things off if I needed to.

I was at the café first and they already know I want a cappuccino, so I don't need to tell them that. Our table was vacated shortly after I got there and I quickly laid claim to it before anyone else could get it. I would have chased them off with a very angry look anyway.

When Von got there, she looked like a model, but she never believes me when I say that, so I say it a lot. Maybe it will sink in one day.

I ate three pieces of nougat, so you can see that so far today I've eaten very healthy food. I must drink a large glass of multi vitamin juice soon.

Von doesn't read my blog because she says it would make her feel like a voyeur and she wants to hear all the stories from me, so I was able to entertain her with some. We also checked out men, but surprisingly few came up to our standards. It's a very sad thing. Maybe we are in the wrong part of the country or something. We do have high standards, it's true. Men my age are very used up looking. They all have beer bellies. Burgundian stomachs. The good life reigns and takes its toll.

I am going to try and behave like a normal person tonight, but I have ants in my pants and feel like undertaking something. That doesn't sound like I'm up to much good, does it? I must find a way to get rid of the extra energy in a productive way. Not come up with some half baked scheme that involves new weblogs and spirituality.

Wish me luck in making wise choices. God forbid I'm going to do something silly again.

Oh yes, this morning I weighed 93.8 kilos. I've lost 6 kilos now.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A nice day again.

Today I spent 30 Euros of the last 40 Euros in my bank account to upgrade the glasses I had bought last December and that I wasn't happy with at all. Well, a woman is allowed to change her mind and I picked those glasses when I was clearly not in my right one.

I was so unhappy with them that I never wore them, which is really bad when you consider that the one lens is -3. I had a warranty on my glasses which stated that within a year of buying them, I could trade them in for another pair, but I had already done that once and I didn't think they would let me do it again.

I called the store and said that I had seen a pair of glasses that were more expensive and that the lenses of my old glasses were big enough to be made to fit in them. Well, under those circumstances, I was allowed to trade up.

So I hopped on my funky bike and rode it downtown and picked the new glasses out and arranged for the old lenses to be put in them. Luckily, this wasn't going to take too long, so I had about an hour to amuse myself in town.

I went to the Our Dear Lady Square and sat at a table there all by myself in the dappled sunshine and ordered a hot chocolate with whipped cream that also came with a cookie. I figured I needed to treat myself to something nice. I do love sitting in a crowd all by myself and secretly watch all the people while I have my beverage and smoke my cigarette.

I ladled the whipped cream out of the hot chocolate and it was delicious and then drank the rest carefully, because it was really hot. In the meantime, I was watching everything that was going on around me and heard many languages spoken and saw all sorts of people, skinny and fat, ugly and pretty, old and young and thought all my thoughts about them.

When I still had half an hour to go, I ordered a diet coke and smoked my last two cigarettes. While I was there, the waiters dropped two glasses and one plate, all by moving too fast. So that adds up.

Then I made my way down the narrow cobbled street where Specsavers is to pick up my glasses. The men handed them to me to try them on and when I did, I thought, "Woa, that man has a big weird head!" It was my eyes adjusting to the strength of the glasses, which I was not used to anymore.

When I walked out of the store, I thought I was going to be seasick for the first few minutes if I looked at anything 6 feet away from me. That feeling passed after awhile and when I got to my bike, my eyes had adjusted and things looked normal, but a hell of a lot clearer and brighter.

There was a large mirror in the store that I had looked in and I had gotten a good look at my hair and saw that it was a mess, which I had not noticed before, because my eyes are bad for distance as well as for close up. So the first thing I did when I got home, was turn the bathroom faucet on and wash my hair so that I would not look ridiculous anymore.

These glasses don't help me with reading small print, but they do help me behind the computer and I can see things very well. I still need my reading glasses when reading the mail or books.

So, then the outer doorbell rang and I went to see who it was and the front door blew closed behind me and I was locked out of my apartment. I had to walk to my sister's house to get the spare keys and I got there just at the point that she was leaving. One minute later and she would have been gone, so I guess I got really lucky.

You know what? I think these tranquilizers really act as downers. I had forgotten to take them at noontime and I felt full of energy, but I took them at 6 pm and now I'm feeling a lot more flat. I think I want to talk to my SPN and my psychiatrist about cutting down on them and eliminating them completely after a while. That will be a new goal, but I won't do it on my own. I've learned my lesson well.

Okay, that's it for now. I've told you my adventure about the glasses that I will keep wearing from now on, because they help me see better and if I have good hair. Oh yes, this morning I weighed 94.4 kilos. Slowly but surely. My one miniskirt is now a size too big on me.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Nice hot decaf.

I just woke up from a nap on the sofa that I started to take while I watched the last little bit of the news, so I can honestly say that I'm informed again. The last thing I saw was the weatherman pointing to the temperatures tomorrow, which will differ quite a bit from those of today, although our mailman was an optimist and wore short sleeves, but he is hardy and almost always does, even when that awful hailstorm hit us.

I must remember to take my naps on time and not wait so long. It would be better if I took one right when I got home in the afternoon, but I'm too stubborn to go lie down then and think I should do half a dozen other things, none of which are really important when you get down to it. I keep going until I look cross eyed from exhaustion and have to drag my body over to the sofa for a good bit of sleep.

Someone told me today that it's all the medication I take that makes me so tired and maybe that is true. Fact remains, I have to take it and I guess I can blame it on the tranquilizers that I still take and that the psychiatrist wants to wean me off in the future.

So, now I'm awake again, sort of, and I'm drinking a mug of decaf, but frankly, it isn't doing much for me, so I think I will have some regular coffee next, or some coke, that may do the job as well. I need some caffeine, because I'm yawning something awful.

I had the other creative therapy today, the one in which I make the doodles. Well, the doodles are done now and I remembered to take some pictures of the last two and here they are:

Our regular therapist was on vacation so we had a stand in, one of the male therapists who happens to be handsome in a very rugged way. He has blond hair and blue eyes and is quite handsome. He came and sat next to me while I was working on my last doodle and let me tell you, I am very much a full blooded heterosexual female, because I wanted to pull that man right into my bed. I lusted after him with my whole being. I felt it radiating right off me like an aura and I thought for sure that he was going to notice something.

I didn't do anything, though. I kept right on working on my doodle with my head bent over the paper. I didn't think flirting was in order. I was happy for the feeling. I didn't think I had it in me anymore.

Anyway. After my last doodle was done in the afternoon session, I started to paint. I picked out an abstract postcard and a large piece of paper and acrylic paints and started in the middle of the page. Some colors I have to blend, and, as this is the first time I'm doing a painting, I have to guess at what I'm doing and so far I'm guessing right.

For the afternoon session we had a different therapist and she was fussy and forgetful. She wanted to be involved in every aspect of what you were doing, but then forgot to follow up on what she was going to do for you, so I decided not to depend on her for help and figure things out for myself. If I did need her to do something for me, I guided her through the process, like you would a child.

Jesker was behind the front door again when I came home. I guess he wants to "hear" when I come home. He's asleep there, because he scrambles to his feet when I push the door open. Gandhi is always there too, but I know she can hear me come home.

Well now people, I have to go to bed. Tomorrow I have ergo therapy and I have to get up at 7 am. Oh, this morning I weighed 94.6 kilos. I've lost more than 5 kilos now.


Monday, June 15, 2009

Almost dinner time.

If I do all the things behind the computer that I want to do, and I don't mean just farting around, I can easily spend a whole afternoon and still not be done. Not because I'm slow, but because there's so much to do and it all takes time, which I don't mind, but it's time taken away from doing other necessary things.

I tell you, though, there's nothing better than coming home from therapy and walking the dog and turning on the computer for a nice long session. Today I allowed myself that time. I made an executive decision. Especially when I checked the shelves and the refrigerator and saw that I do not have to go to the store for at least another two days.

I very moodily got out of bed this morning when the alarm clock went off, because I thought it was way too early, but then I saw that cute face of Jesker who wanted to be petted and I had my coffee and cigarette and I felt a lot better. So, I took my time to become a fully functioning human being again and then got up to properly start the day. Once I get going, I'm okay. I move like a train, albeit an early locomotive, not a high speed one.

Today I had creative therapy, but I got there early enough to hang out in the stinking smoker's room with a very depressed woman who wished she was home in bed and looked it too. I wanted to cheer her up, but didn't know the words, not being depressed myself anymore to that point and only having vague memories of what that was like. It's like childbirth, you forget how awful it was.

Soon enough it was time to go down to the studio and go to work on my attempt at a sculpture. I'm calling it an attempt, because as I worked on it, it became clear to me that the design didn't lend itself well to the clay and that the whole thing was likely to collapse upon itself, and sure enough, pretty soon I reached that point. Do not despair. I folded the whole thing over and took the rest of the clay and pounded it all back into a solid block and started over again to redo the sculpture that came out of the oven in fifteen pieces. I do want that one and I want to give it one more try.

As I'm building it up, I'm trying not to make any mistakes in it and avoid getting any air trapped in it, because I think that's what happened before. I'm paying close attention to what the therapist tells me and follow the instructions.

I'm always covered in white clay dust by the time I'm ready to go home and try to get most of it off me and the rest gets blown off as I ride my bicycle home. Sometimes I still have some on my boots when I get home and I forget about it and walk around with it all day long. That shows you how much attention I don't pay to my appearance sometimes. I can be vain at the start of the day and then forget about it for the rest of the day.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how deaf Jesker is. I try to get his attention when he is not looking at me and I just start talking to him. So far he doesn't seem to hear me much, or he is ignoring me, but then that would be something new. He's always been very alert and now he seems to use his sight more. He has also been sleeping behind the front door when I am gone, so he knows immediately when I am home.


I had to interrupt myself, because I had to take Jesker to the vet for new ointments. The vet looked at his eyes and we are only preventing them from getting worse at this point. I also mentioned the fact that Jesker seemed to be getting deaf and he looked at his ears, but saw no ear infections or anything, so he is just getting deaf, which the vet said is a fact of life at his age. I now have to keep this in mind when I talk to him and when I am out walking with him. I am not going to let him off the leash again.

Anyway, I noticed that he watches me more closely now to see what I am going to do and when I go to bed at night, while he's asleep on his blanket, he searches the whole apartment for me when he wakes up, while I call his name from the bedroom.

Tomorrow I have creative therapy again, this time in the different room with the different therapist. I'll finish my third and last doodle and I'll try to remember to take pictures. Then I am going to be doing some painting. There is a whole collection of art postcards to choose from in all diferent styles to copy and I think I'll have a go at that. Unless I change my mind between now and tomorrow when the moment is there,

Alors, it's time to put my pajamas on and get comfortable. I'm starting to yawn, but it's to early for that. This old body wants to just sleep more and more. I wish I had a soft ice cream. That would taste so good right now, But alas.

I hope you all had a good day and that you will have a splendid night. We are supposed to have rain. It's cozy when it rains and you're laying in bed.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sunday, how do I love Thee.

Well, I love Sunday enough to hang up the laundry to dry and to change my bed and to visit my sister for some very good cups of cappuccino from her built in magical coffee maker that also makes hot foamy milk. We sat out on the patio and looked at the sky with much suspicion, because it was turning that color gray that means rain is coming soon, but so far it has stayed dry, which is good, because my nephew has a football game this afternoon. No, I take that back. I see it is sprinkling ever so lightly.

I don't mind this one bit, as you all know, because I get to sit inside and not worry about a thing, and I didn't hang the laundry outside to dry, knowing it was going to rain sooner or later and Jesker has been walked, so I am safe for now.

This morning I weighed 94.9 kilos and I pulled a top out of the "too small to wear bag" and put it on. It fits much better now and I'm quite happy with it. I'll look in that bag more closely and see what else is in there. I may yet have some forgotten treasures.

My sister said to me this morning that she liked my hair much better now that it had grown out a bit, so I know that the next time I have it cut they should not take off too much. I'll wait a bit before I have it cut again and then tell them to only cut off the very tips of it. A compliment is worth something to me.

I forgot to take the camera to take a picture of that very pretty tree of hers and I will probably forget it every time, because it's in my handbag and I never bring it. I only bring the dog and my cigarettes.

This morning I let Jesker off the leash at the field thinking he could have a good roam around, but he did no such thing, but walked straight home with me behind him trying to catch up. I think he is a lot deaf, because he paid no attention to me when I called him, but just kept right on going. He also doesn't react to the outside doorbell anymore. It's only when I pick up the intercom phone that he starts to bark, because he knows it means there's someone there. He used to listen to me very well and now reacts to phantom noises.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the Blues and some of them are very old songs and very good. They are not making me blue, don't worry. It's Deezer's Blues station I'm listening too. I listened to jazz earlier, until I had enough of that and I may go to rhythm and blues later or rock and roll. Jerry Lee Lewis! Great Balls of Fire!

It really makes a difference to have the music on while I sit behind the computer and when I do my chores. It certainly makes me livelier and puts a certain amount of happiness that was missing in my soul. I forgot what an impact good music had on me. All this time I have been living in silence when it wasn't necessary, but I thought it was what I craved. I wanted to hear a pin drop. Silly woman.

Of course, I had all those MP3 players with music on them that I wasn't all that fond off, while I liked my music at Deezer better, but the Exfactor kept saying that I mustn't have the computer on so much, so I was near paranoid about having it on all day. Now I don't care anymore. I seldom have the TV on and that uses up energy like crazy too.

The one thing I don't want to listen to though is any sort of music that has sentiment attached to it. It can't be music that at any point in my life was significant and played an important role. So, I won't be listening to any oldies from the seventies and eighties. Those worthless years.

Okay, now I've completely changed my music and gone for Baroque. Sergio Bellestracci, some obscure Italian composer, at least to me he is, I had never heard of the man until I found him on Deezer and I am trying him on for size. So far he is a little bit heavy on the flute, which is not my favorite instrument, but I'll give him a fair chance. Oh no, that flute keeps coming back. That won't do at all. I feel myself compelled to go find some Johan Sebastian Bach and Vivaldi immediately. That will be my chore for the rest of the day.

I hope you all have a peaceful Sunday with the weather of your choice and lots of peace and quiet, or with music, however you wish it.


Saturday, June 13, 2009

Saturday, oh Saturday!

I've done my chores earlier today, though there are two waiting for me yet and that is to change the bed and to hang up the laundry that is now done in the washing machine. Actually, I had planned on doing those things earlier, but I forgot about them, because I became distracted with all the numerous things you can do on the computer and there seems to be no end to them. That is, if I want to keep track of all the things I'm supposed to keep track off.

Jesker woke me at 8 am this morning because he was having an argument with the cats who wanted to climb in bed with me and he didn't want them to. There was quite a bit of growling and snarling going on. All jealousy, he was protecting his spot beside me. So, I had to get up, of course, to calm the waters and pay the proper amount of attention to each animal.

Luckily, they allowed me my waking up time on the sofa while I absentmindedly petted them and drank my coffee before I got dressed and walked Jesker. When I got home, I turned on my play lists over at Deezer and commenced doing my chores to the cheerful notes of the music.

I don't know what it is, but I have whole periods of time that I don't listen to music and then when I do, I remember how upbeat it is and how it helps me do my work. It's actually quite entertaining and makes the work go easier and I do have a very interesting choice of music. It's all stuff I like very much and I turn it up just loud enough not to be a nuisance to the neighbors.

I'm going to make myself listen to music every day this week and see if it changes my level of energy. Even if I'm in the mood for dullness and peace and quiet. God, sometimes I live like a nun who has taken a vow of silence. Nothing but empty noise reigns.

I watered all the plants with the watering can in effort not to drown them and they seem quite perky, so maybe that was the right thing to do. I'll try to not give them too much TLC, although it's hard not to do that. I always think abundance is good. Abondanza!

I pick a playlist that I've made at Deezer and Deezer offers me an alternative playlist of the same sort of songs. That's kind of neat. I'm listening to such a list now and am constantly taken by surprise. Deezer is really great, you can't download anything, but you do find all sorts of music.

I dealt with the mail again and sat down specifically with my reading glasses and a pen to get ready to deal with the worst of it, but it all turned out to be a popcorn fart, so that was easy. It's hardly ever as bad and cumbersome as you think it's going to be and I must remember to always keep my administration and obligations as simple as possible so there are no nasty surprises. Most things are directly dealt with via the bank, but here are the odd things that I have to handle myself.

Jesker is giving me a very mournful look and I think he wants me to take him out, but first I'll distract him with some food. It's almost time for me to take my medicines and I'm waiting for the alarm clock to go off. I can't leave until it's done that.

This morning I was spot cleaning the linoleum and I realized how badly I needed to mop all the floors. I had thought about doing it today, but never got around to it. I will make an attempt tomorrow, but it means I have to vacuum really well first and then there's the noise of the vacuum cleaner. If only it sounded melodious.

I have to pull weeds out front. They look very attractive, like sea grass, but they must come out. I also have to arrange the pots for when they get planted next weekend. I've told you I'm going to plant grasses in them, haven't I? That's the plainest kind of plant I can think of and not all fussy and too ornamental. I don't want color and gloss.

Well, I must be off now to walk Jesker. He is patiently waiting. The weather outside is beautiful and the sun is shining. It is 22 degrees C. Inside as well as outside.

I hope you all have a good evening and that you enjoyed your Saturday.


Friday, June 12, 2009

On a fun Friday

I'm almost too tired to write this post, but I'm going to give it a try anyway.

This morning I weighed 95.2 kilos and here's what I've eaten today: five shortbread cookies, three pieces of nougat, one can of mackerel in tomato sauce and this afternoon I had two cappuccinos and one Wieckse Witte. That doesn't sound very nutritious, does it? Oh, and tonight I had a slice of muesli bread with lunch meat and one slice of raisin bread.

All around me on the café terrace this afternoon, people were consuming large platters of delicious food and I wondered where they put it all. It was almost disgusting to see them eat it. Actually, to me it was unbelievable. Von and I sat there sniffing up all the delicious smells and thought there ought to be a law against it. They ought to separate the eating crowd from the non eating crowd. Here we are sitting at our table looking quite disgusted.

This morning, at creative therapy, two of my sculptures were ready to be painted. Another one had for some reason shattered into about fifteen unglueable pieces, but I was not too upset about it, because it was just a minor sculpture that I had put together quickly one morning.

I did care about the two that survived and I now have six sculptures finished. Painting them was a lot of fun, first the black and then the bronzing effect, which is always a surprise as to how it will turn out. The bronze paint needs to be mized just so and I don't do that. The assistant does that and she know just how to get the color right.

I brought them home in my bicycle bags, trying to not hit any bumps in the road. I had visions of them breaking on the way home. That would have been a very sad thing indeed. Or, God forbid, I could have been hit by a car. That would have been disastrous. Not for me, but for the sculptures.

I've put the second one on the coffee table and the first one on my bookcase in my bedroom.

Speaking of bedrooms...all I have to do is go lie down in my bed with the bedside lamp on and lie down and look around and a great sense of calm comes over me. I don't do anything but look around and that's what I am going to do now, because I'm very tired and I need to go to sleep.

I hope you all have a good sleep too and I'll see you all tomorrow.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thursday after a long and almost lazy day.

Hi there, how are you? How is it going? How is the weather treating you? We had a terrific thunderstorm a while ago. There was thunder and lightening and rain and hail and it poured out of the heavens like buckets of water and stones and I pitied everybody who was caught in it, but, of course, it didn't last very long. It was short but very hefty. I thought the windows were going to break, that's how hard the hail hit.

There are big puddles on the field now, where the ground wasn't leveled properly, and they will stay there for a while and there are always some ducks that come and sit in them and people give them old bread. It makes for a nice bit of nature, right in the middle of town. They aren't afraid of all the dogs that get walked there, so they must be real city ducks. We've even had little ducklings in the area that's like a wet meadow when it rains a lot.

Right now there are some crows having a territorial argument. Each one tries to chase the other one away and so they go back and forth. They make quite a racket.

I've been up since 7 am and I haven't had a nap yet, how in the world is that possible? You'd think I would be tired after all that work yesterday, but because it was not emotionally loaded, I am not worn out. It seems that plain physical labor gets taken care of with a good night's sleep.

The "domestic person" was here this morning and I asked her if she wasn't meant to help me out at all with any of the jobs and she told me no, that was not her job. Her job is to get me back on the rails as independently as possible over a period of three months.

I told her about my week and my problem with combining all the elements and my fatigue and we looked at the schedule again and changed it and left off some of the jobs for now and we will add those back in as I get more proficient, or if my therapy schedule changes at all.

That's another thing I am going to do, is talk to the head therapist tomorrow and see if we can change anything in my schedule there. I would like to drop the dance therapy and have Wednesday afternoons off, but I don't know if that is possible. It's the thing that really wears me out after ergo therapy and I'm completely beat when I get home and I'm not worth much the next day. We'll see. It's just that the clinic requires you to do 6 half days and now I'm only doing 5.

Blah, blah, blah!

Jesker is so cute. He rolls around on the ground on his back and makes funny sounds as if he is a puppy and he is so adorable, I just want to eat him up. I think he is way cuter than the cats, but don't let the cats know this, please.

I have to stop writing now, because I have some other things left to do and I do have to pay attention to the animals. I also must eat something and have a decaf.

They say the weather will be better by the weekend. Shall we believe them?


Wednesday, June 10, 2009


After I wrote my short post this morning, I went back to bed and slept until 7 am when the alarm clock woke me. I got up and called the number to announce myself as not coming in for therapy today and went back to sleep until I woke up very refreshed at 10:30 am. As usual, and you know this by now, I took an hour to wake up on the sofa with several cups of coffee and my cigarettes and Jesker to pet and rub his belly. Then I got dressed and took him for a walk, which was nice, because it was overcast and not too warm and I like that kind of weather.

When I got home, I tackled my administration and took care of bills and filed every bit of paperwork there was in the proper place. Then I made some crucial phone calls that I had been putting off and arranged for someone to come and fix the shed door, which would not close properly and in which the key had broken in the lock.

After that, and with many breaks in between, I cleaned house and I did all the things I should have done the week before, but for which I had constantly been too exhausted, It took me all afternoon, but I got a lot of things done. I did not vacuum and I did not mop the floors and I did not wash the windows, but if I have the same amount of energy that I have today, tomorrow , I will do those things then.

It has come to this point, that I have to take a day off therapy in order to get my housework done. I knew that if I went to therapy today, it would exhaust me so, that I would not be worth anything tomorrow and that I would be faced with the same problem I was faced with last week. Namely, not enough energy to do the chores that had to be done that day.

I am finding out that going to therapy four days a week and keeping my appointments and doing the housework and the grocery shopping is really too much work for me and emotionally and physically I am not able to pull it all off. I need more rest and sleep. That's why I crash on the weekends and I sleep so much.

Today I had a good day, because I was not exhausted from the intensity of the ergo and dance therapy, from which I normally come home an over tired woman. I used my energy instead to do all those jobs that I had not got around to for a long time.

Of course, I can't do this every week and I will discuss this with the "domestic help" tomorrow. I can do the "little" chores, if they send some one to do the "big" chores, but it is all a question of me qualifying for that and it may not be as easy as it seems. They are not just going to hand me a cleaning lady on a silver platter. Much justification needs to be in place. It can't be because I'm too lazy to do it myself.

Now I'm sitting here all wired from having done the work. I feel like I'm still in 5th gear and that I need to do more. My eyes keep scanning the apartment looking for other little jobs to do. They can't be big, because my back is sore, but I could clean out the utensil drawer, for instance. Or water the plants. Or wash the inside of the living room windows. Although that may be too big a job. What I really need to do is slow down, so I'm drinking decaf, after mistakingly just drinking regular coffee.

The thing about housework is, that it all becomes undone in the shortest amount of time and that you have to start all over again. You can't relax and just take some days off. You constantly need to keep it up. I swept the rug and much grit and dirt came out of it. It would have been easier to vacuum, but you know about that.

I'm surprised that Jesker isn't bald by now considering the huge amounts of hair he loses every day. He has a healthy coat of fur. He just drops it like snow. He dislikes being brushed, otherwise I would brush him every day, but he does like getting kisses right on his forehead and Eskimo kisses too. He goes into ecstasy over belly rubs and he likes it best when I sit on the sofa, because that the best place to receive all those things. Which reminds me to move his pillow closer to my bed, because he likes to sleep right beside me, causing me to have to make a giant leap when I get up.

Really, is there anything more endearing than a dog who loves you?

Well, I missed both the news broadcasts tonight, so now I don't know what's going on in the world. I'm a bad citizen. I will have to read the BBC News. I used to be addicted to that site and the Guardian too, but that was before I got into blogging. Common Dreams.org is a good site too for alternative news stories. So is AlterNet. Actually, I better read a Dutch newspaper on line, because I do need to know what's happening in my own country. Sorry Laurie, I can't afford to pay for a real newspaper.

Right, that was enough for tonight. I need to go read some blogs and leave some commnents. This is not a threat.

Hope you have a great evening. I hear some mackerel calling my name.