Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Big Plans...

I had planned to sweep the floors and dust the furniture when I came home at 3 pm this afternoon, but I got waylaid by Jesker, who needed lots of attention and food and a walk, and then I got distracted by checking my bank account, which was surprisingly low and I was expecting some money to be deposited into it, which wasn't there, and then I got absorbed in reading my mail, which looked very important, but after reading every piece of it, it all turned out to be a popcorn fart, so I filed it away and was left, for now, with one bill to pay, which will have to wait until I am more solvent. Men, do I live an exciting life or what?

So, then the computer was on and I had a choice, do I sweep and dust in the heat, or do I park myself behind the computer at the end of the day and ignore the dust and dog hair? I chose the latter as you can see and I feel good about the choice and am glad to sit down here and unwind for a bit and let my fingers do the walking across the keyboard.

I can sweep and dust tomorrow when I'll be home at 12:30 pm, just before the "cleaning person" gets here and he better not expect me to wash windows with him, because it is way to hot for that and all house cleaning should really be suspended until the temperatures drop.

Everybody's idea of a summer afternoon right now is to sit in their gardens with refreshing drinks and I'm keeping relatively cool in the apartment where it is four degrees cooler than it is outside. Luckily, I have a well insulated place and the back is in constant shade, cooling things down a bit. I have the top windows open to create a draft and it is just working.

This morning I went to the tobacconist, where I had not been for ten days and I was pleasantly surprised that I made my tobacco last that long, and I made a side trip to a clothing store where I bought a decent pair of slippers for ten Euros. They are dressy and don't look cheap, but now I need to do my toenails, because they look kind of raggedy, because really, when do I ever pay attention to my toenails hidden away as they are inside my socks and boots so much? They are a long way from my head.

When I got to creative therapy, I did not feel like working on my painting and the therapist did not remind me to work on it, she has obviously forgotten, so instead I doodled uselessly with no plan in my head at all. I am just wasting time and sitting there doodling and accomplishing very little, but I like that right now, but of course I achieve nothing and that can't be the purpose, so next time I'll go back to the painting and be a good sport about it. I don't think I'm supposed to sit there and waste my time and have no challenges.

We were talking about the reality of life and I said that I didn't live a real life at all, but in a completely make believe life that had very little to do with reality and that I made everything up as I went along and that it was filled with virtual people, so I never became lonely.It's not true that I make everything up, but it is true that a large part of my life exists in the virtual world and that it is as real to me as the people who walk down the street, who I have little in common with.So it is more real to me, actually.

No doubt that little nugget of insight is going to get shared among the therapists in the office.

I always have great doubt if, in an unguarded moment, I should reveal these things about myself, as I keep so much of myself hidden. That's because I do know what's acceptable and normal and what isn't. Maybe I should reveal these things about myself, it might be good.

Uh, I 'm a little bit in uncomfortable waters now so let's move on to other things.

Time is striding by and tomorrow it will be July, I can't believe it. Here I am still waiting for spring to complete itself and it has already done so and we have had our longest day already. There is something about growing older and having time move by more quickly. I feel I need to accomplish some things before it is September, but I'm not doing them. I'm just floating on a passing cloud not making dents in the fabric of my life, not making big changes. I need a struggle with myself about something and to win a battle, but I'm not seeing myself doing it. I just see me avoiding difficult situations and me making sure I'm safe.

Maybe that's all I'm supposed to do, is keep myself safe. Out of harms way, but will it lead to accomplishments? Or is that an accomplishment?

My biggest accomplishment to date has been not to go around the bend when the opportunity has presented itself. I go a little nuts for a few days, but then I regulate myself and get back to "normal." I do this all on my own, without anybody coming here and holding my hand and without increasing my medicines. I guess that counts for something.

Oh well, let cheerfulness reign. It was a hot and muggy day today and tomorrow is going to be even hotter. They've torn up the fields and leveled them off and put compost on them and soon they will reseed them, but they will need some rain for the new grass to grow. Timing is everything. Maybe they know something we don't know. A long term forecast maybe? It would be nice to have some rain now to make the dust settle.

Have a great evening, everyone. I'm going to eat mackerel in tomato sauce.



aims said...

I think you are accomplishing quite a bit in your life Irene.

Being able to keep ourselves from revisiting the loony bin is a huge accomplishment - and far harder than people know. I'm exhausted at the end of my day with the effort to stay relatively sane.


Frances said...

Who knows what is normal?
I think the most we can hope for is functional and not damaging ourselves too much. Apart from that, there are some real crazies out in the world who are not diagnosed and not considered to have any mental health issues. Think of people like Madoff. They have to be very dysfunctional...

Maggie May said...

What is normal, is a good question. There are so many variations and quite a good bit of life comes under the heading of normal that seems quite strange!

I think staying on top is about as much as we can expect at times. I think you do very well.

Hope you enjoyed the mackerel in tomato sauce.
Twas a very hot & muggy day and my energy levels were not very good.
Have a restful night. X

SugarCain said...


I so admire what you have been able to do for yourself, and I hope you will reach around and pat yourself on the back for me because I'm not close enough to do it. Something important that you've done is to give me hope that I can do what you are doing and work my way through this disease. Perhaps it never can be "cured," but knowing that brave people like you are living with it gives me reason to continue. So, thank you for that.


Maureen said...

Oh how I love that polar bear photo! I am just like the one lying on his back; but I too prefer to be inside on hot days. I can't stand the heat.