Encore!

Remember when I said in my very last post that I was going to bed early and that I couldn't wait to get under the duvet with my book? Well, it didn't quite work out like that. I shut off the computer and made myself a bowl of porridge and ate that while I watched a program called "Missing" on the TV. Very quickly after I had eaten, I fell asleep on the sofa and I didn't wake up until just now and now I am wide awake again, albeit somewhat grumpy and disagreeable, but that's why I have the Senseo machine. I'm planning on being agreeable in a short time.

Of course, you don't care if I'm grumpy and disagreeable, but I care. I do get in the way of myself and generally suffer. I turn all my bad moods against myself and give myself a hard time and maybe the occasional innocent bystander too. But I'm the most concerned about myself, because I'm very harsh on myself. I don't tolerate anything that even reeks of negativism and grumpiness is not allowed. It's like sticking needles into your own skin and laughing while your doing it and I'm not talking about the gentle practice of acupuncture. I'm talking about a more torturous sort of thing.

Okay, enough of that. We all know about suffering and bad moods and painful feelings. It's a problem when they strike so often and out of the blue when you least expect them and when you haven't done anything wrong as far as you know. You wonder why you deserve them. It always feels like the wrath of god is upon you. See how I didn't spell that with a capital letter? I didn't want to offend any god in particular.

Anyway, I changed from Internet Explorer to Google Chrome just a few days ago and now suddenly my spell check works again. It seems that all these different browsers have their individual shortcomings, although I must say that I liked Firefox, except for the terrible slowness it created in my computer, so I won't go back to it. I like Google Chrome, but I haven't figured out how the tab sheets work yet. I'm assuming I have a screw loose somewhere, because I can't seem to follow the instructions. One day, when I least expect it, I will solve the problem.

A funny thing is that it gives me the British English spelling, so if you notice a difference in my language, that will be the reason for it. I have changed the setting to American English, but it doesn't care, so when in Rome, do as the Romans do. So I will now write honour and colour and grey. That's how I learned it in the first place. These things always caused me some confusion, so now it's settled.

In the meantime it's getting awfully late and I really ought to think about going to bed, although I'm not sleepy. The only thing that would get me there is my book. I always thought it was cold in my bedroom and today I found out that the window was open at the top. It may have been for a long time and here I've had the heater on. What a terrible faux pas, heating the outside air. It's sad to see that I'm not perfect after all. Ha! Far from it I would say.

I'm planning on sleeping late in the morning, but I hope I stick to that plan and don't get it in my stubborn head to get up early. I know I will regret it. I always need so much sleep to catch up on during the day. It's no wonder when you turn your circadian rhythms upside down.

I know what sort of bed I long for. One with a big, thick, downy mattress that I would sink into and a huge, fluffy duvet and many thick pillows. Sort of like a fairytale bed. A sensuous bed for hiding away in all by myself. Who needs anybody else there, unless it's George Clooney? And if you can't have him, why bother with anyone else?

Right, it's off to bed I go. I may get waylaid before I get there, but I will give it my best shot. If I would just yawn I would have more faith in it. Oh there, I just did it. Just writing about it made it happen.

Have a good morning when you all wake up and a good night when you all go to bed.

Ciao,

Nora

Now you see it, now you don't...

I'm sitting here feeling very good and I don't know why that is. I've felt good since about 7:30 this evening and I don't know what has happened to the time since then. It just flew by. I've done all sorts of things, as you can tell, and I was very busy with that, but even so, I don't know where the time went.

I did take Tyke for a walk and as usual, he almost strangled himself trying to run ahead of the leash. That poor dog, he always forgets that the leash has a certain length that he's going to run out of and I'm afraid he's going to break his neck one of these days. It would be an awfully sad thing if that were to happen. I hope he smartens up real quick and stops running so fast.

It is in everybody's best interest that I go to bed now, but I am not going to do it, because I've been waiting to feel good all day and now that I am, I'm going to enjoy it. It is possible to do that all by yourself without another single body here. It is just the awareness of feeling peace and quiet in your body and soul that makes it so and that gives you the opportunity to be happy with the very quiet moments that you have all alone. There is nobody here to disturb the peace.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy if there were an agreeable person here to disturb the peace, but where are you going to find someone like that? They sure don't put them out with the trash on Monday mornings for you to pick up as you ride by on your bicycle. I can see it now. There they'd stand with a sign around their neck that said, "Free to a good home. Very agreeable man." I wish it were that easy. God only knows what sort of problems you'd get yourself into.

As is usual, I'm drinking a glass or two of cold milk. I just had some Nutella and let Tyke lick the spoon clean. Oh, I'm teaching him all sorts of bad habits, but he's not getting any cookies or potatoes with gravy or spaghetti with meatballs. I can't even eat those things myself, let alone that I'm going to feed them to my dog. This summer, when I'm going to eat ice cream, I'm going to let him clean my dish. I'll make sure to leave some in the bottom. You see how convinced I am of the fact hat I'm going to eat ice cream this summer. It may not happen at all.

Tyke's just been outside and Gandhi always follows him. That is not so smart, because he always chases her up the fence where she has to stay until he goes back inside again. He wants to play with her and doesn't understand why she climbs on the fence and wants to join her. The way to get Tyke back inside is to say, "Well, hurry up!" At first I thought I had to say, "Come," but that doesn't work well. Whoever had him first said, "Well, hurry up" to him. You find these things out by accident. I also found out that if I want him to behave, I have to snap my fingers and say, "Here!" Then he immediately listens. Well, most of the time.

It's really time for me to go to bed now, but I think that is the parent in me talking. I could ignore that person and do whatever the hell I want and drink another glass of cold milk. It's not like I'm sitting here drinking scotch on the rocks and hanging out my red light. I'm a quite respectable woman with wild hair who needs a haircut. Really, my hair is sticking out all over the place. I can't do a thing with it, except make it look wilder than it already is.

Now I'm going to bed. It's been more than enough. All that blogging is leading me astray. It's keeping me from my true purpose, which is to get a good night's sleep. Too bad about the time that I felt good, though. I mean, I still do and now I have to go to sleep. Life's a challenge, isn't it?

Have a good night. Tomorrow it will be raining here. It will be cozy to be inside.

Ciao,
Nora

Chilly morning...

The temperature in the apartment finally got down to 20 degrees Celsius and it hasn't been that low for a long time. I've still got the top windows open and there's cold air coming in, but next week the weather is going to improve for a while, so it will get warmer in here again.

I'm sitting here in a tank top and my pajama bottoms, totally inadequately dressed, of course, but I do like the cool air on my skin, because it seems I've been too warm all summer. It's nice to feel chilled now and have cold feet and cold arms and hands. It's like swimming in cool water in an outdoor swimming pool.

The alarm clock goes off at 7 am no matter what day it is, but I take great pleasure in shutting it off on Saturdays and turning over and sleeping some more. It is the nicest thing to do, because I really have that weekend feeling, although Saturday is not really a day off at all. I still need to do things, but they don't seem as pressing as they do in the rest of the week.

I really need to go to the store to buy more milk, but if I'm careful, I can make what I have last until Monday and I much prefer that, because I'm still not in the mood to face the grocery store. There used to be a little shop around the corner where I could buy milk, but unfortunately it has closed, and now the only place to buy milk is the supermarket. You can imagine that it's very busy on Saturdays.

I again fell asleep on the sofa last night while watching television and I woke up at eleven o'clock. I thought I was in the mood to turn the computer on and made myself a cup of decaf, but when I sat there, I realized that I just really had to go to bed, because my mind was woolly and no single sensible thought came out of it. I had all sorts of conflicting emotions and I was too sleepy to deal with them and luckily not stubborn enough to stay up and try to sort them out, although I may have attempted this in the past.

When you're in a sleep mode like that, you're not fit to deal with what is going on in your mind, because it makes no sense whatsoever and it will lead you down a destructive path if you try to make sense of it. The best thing to do is to go to sleep and sleep long enough for your mind to straighten itself out and in the morning you are brand new and fit to regard your thoughts again. You will find that most things have been resolved and that everything that seemed so complicated the night before, isn't anymore at all.

So, sleep it is and it's one of the best medicines. I'm not tired during the day anymore and never take a nap. At least, I don't remember taking one lately. I'm sure that's because I don't take that awful high dose of tranquilizers anymore. It's amazing how well I do on just three tablets of the lowest dose. They do their job just fine. I do notice when I've taken a tablet, so it's not as if I don't feel the difference. Things do get easier with them. My anxiety drops away and I feel very much at ease, but I don't feel like a zombie and under the influence.

In the meantime, I've gotten dressed and walked Jesker. Amazingly enough, the sun is shining now and then and, except for the wind, it is actually nice outside. Well, I should say, if you like that kind of weather. It would be nice to sit at an outdoor café now and have a cold beer and watch the people walk by, although I still think that not enough good looking men walk by and that they must be hiding out somewhere or that they must not exist here. Maybe they only come out at night and I come out at the wrong hours, but I'm not about to change into a moth instead of a butterfly.

If you stop and think about your life too much and start to analyze each bit of it, you'll start to doubt every aspect of your existence, so it is better not to do that and accept the whole package as a done deal and then only change the bits that bother you the most without delving into the whys and wherefores too much. If you tinker too much with the reality of your being, you will find that there are no basic answers to the key questions and it is that way for everybody. A lot of things you have to accept as basic truths and facts and learn to live with, as long as they don't cause you grief.

The things that you change are the things that hurt or the things that are major stumbling blocks on your road to a comfortable way of living. We are usually our own worst enemies and that what hurts us the most is what happens in our own heads. It's our own thoughts that sabotage us and slowly kill us and we can head for our downfall all by ourselves, without any body's help. When we live amongst people, it seems that they are the cause of our trouble, but when we are removed from them, it becomes clear how the trouble lives inside of us and how we need to tackle that within our own selves in order to be comfortable and at peace.

We carry the results of many experiences and disappointments inside of us. We always speak of those as internal scars, but I like to think of them as wounds that haven't healed. We need to do a lot of caring and loving deeds in order to heal them, but the problem is that we are often unable to be caring and loving to ourselves, while we are the ones who need it the most. We need to be taught how to do that and to learn that we are not responsible for the existence of the wounds. For that we need to forgive ourselves, because we are so convinced that we need forgiveness. We are so harsh for ourselves.

So, if you are going around actively hurting from your wounds and being in pain because of them, try to forgive yourself for whatever you think you have done wrong, even when in reality you were probably in the end not the main responsible party and the responsibility can be spread over numerous people and events. Try to understand your deeds in the context in which they took place and find extenuating circumstances that soften your judgment. You will find that you don't need to judge yourself as harshly as you thought was necessary and that your relatively small part in all of it is easily forgiven. You are merely a human being doing the best you can. More can not be expected of you under any kind of circumstances.

I hope you all have a fabulous day and that all things go well.

Ciao...

A heck of a new day!

As far as I'm concerned, we all forget about that spiritual weblog that I tried to start up as soon as possible, because it caused me nothing but extreme frustration until the wee hours of the night, while finding out that I am a neo-pagan, and I just wanted it so badly, that I became fixated on it and couldn't leave it alone and wanted it to look the way I wanted it to and make it accept all your comments.

I should have seen the writing on the wall. The minute I start to involve my usual sober minded self with spiritual matters, it's a sign that I'm hypomanic, but I didn't even realize it until late at night when I was frustrating myself to pieces and becoming dysphoric. When it was already late enough, I took my heavy duty sleeping pill and my tranquilizers and went to bed, but this morning I was up bright and chipper when the alarm clock rang and more than ready to start the new day.

I felt I had no other duty but to set you all straight, but I have to figure out how to get back onto belief.net and I'll do that in a while, where I can direct lost and confused people back to this blog, but I hope you all have enough sense to have a look here. That #@%(*&^%(!@blog!!! I wish I had never run across it. Even now it is still tempting me with its spiritual lure and promises of customized headers and imported archives and friends who can leave comments. It's not out of my system yet. It's a fixation and I know them so well.

So this morning I went to creative therapy and walked in and someone said, "Oh, have you done something to your hair?" I said, "No silly, I'm wearing glasses!" Nobody else noticed them. At least, nobody commented on them, except for Lilian who reads this blog and knew I had them and she liked them. The rest looked at me like they always do, with friendly interested faces.

Anyway, I sat down at the workbench and said in a loud voice, "Okay, where are my cookies and my cup of coffee?'" You wouldn't believe it, but in the shortest amount of time I had a cup of coffee and two gingerbread cookies and a shortbread cookie. I guess I can be a very authoritative woman.

I finished that sculpture that is supposed to replace the one that got broken, but I don't have high hopes for it. I'm going to have to keep my fingers crossed for it and hope this one doesn't break also. In the meantime, I spoke French with P. who sat across from me and who is fluent and I'm not. Quel dommage! I do manage the odd phrase and sentence and pretend I understand half of what he says.

Anyway, he had been to Lourdes with his mother, even though he is not a believer, though his mother is, but he had a wonderful time and I guess it's something you have to experience, especially the light procession. And all around Lourdes it's hugely commercial with anything pertaining to religion for sale at hefty prices. And everywhere there are the sick and the disabled hoping to be cured and they come every year. It's their annual holiday.

After we had our break, I and some one else were late coming back to the studio and when I opened the door, I said, "Taraaah, here we are! Did you miss us?" And everyone said that they did very much. It's good to be so well liked, although I think they were just trying to humor us.

The weather couldn't make up its mind today. It threatened to rain, but never did and when the sun was out, it was warm, so I didn't know how to dress for my afternoon downtown with Von. In the end I went with the layered look, figuring I could take things off if I needed to.

I was at the café first and they already know I want a cappuccino, so I don't need to tell them that. Our table was vacated shortly after I got there and I quickly laid claim to it before anyone else could get it. I would have chased them off with a very angry look anyway.

When Von got there, she looked like a model, but she never believes me when I say that, so I say it a lot. Maybe it will sink in one day.

I ate three pieces of nougat, so you can see that so far today I've eaten very healthy food. I must drink a large glass of multi vitamin juice soon.

Von doesn't read my blog because she says it would make her feel like a voyeur and she wants to hear all the stories from me, so I was able to entertain her with some. We also checked out men, but surprisingly few came up to our standards. It's a very sad thing. Maybe we are in the wrong part of the country or something. We do have high standards, it's true. Men my age are very used up looking. They all have beer bellies. Burgundian stomachs. The good life reigns and takes its toll.

I am going to try and behave like a normal person tonight, but I have ants in my pants and feel like undertaking something. That doesn't sound like I'm up to much good, does it? I must find a way to get rid of the extra energy in a productive way. Not come up with some half baked scheme that involves new weblogs and spirituality.

Wish me luck in making wise choices. God forbid I'm going to do something silly again.

Oh yes, this morning I weighed 93.8 kilos. I've lost 6 kilos now.

Ciao...

This is silly....

This is silly. I just wrote a post and now I feel like writing another one. It must be because I'm in such a good mood and want to convey that to the world and you are my willing and captive audience, but by all means, go read the other post too.

It may also be that I don't want to do another thing, but sit here behind the computer while it is chilly and gray outside and the dog lies snoring on his blanket and makes it sound so cozy in here. Several cats are laying around, curled up, sound asleep, and add to the coziness of the scene. We're looking like a scene out of a novel about a woman who lives with her dog and several cats in her cozy, though somewhat messy apartment. A painting should be made of this. The title should be, "Woman in Gray on a Rainy Afternoon." It will sell for millions and I will get a commission.

I wish I could write my own biography, but because I am not talented and objective enough, I wish for a very good writer to come along and through many interviews and long discussions, write it for me instead. I would so like to see the story of my life on paper and it wouldn't have to be the cleaned up version either. I would disclose all the skeletons in my closet and explain every move I made. It would be an exposure that would make Virginia Woolf proud, if she could know about it in the hereafter.

At one time I had the secret ambition to go on the stage, though by nature I am a shy person, but it appealed to me to put on a different persona and emote out of the feelings of that person and really put the drama and the comedy and the tragedy into it. I could imagine myself boldly stepping onto the stage and speaking my lines as if they were my own words and having those feelings as if they were my own and throwing all my passion into them.

Even though I am mostly a subdued person in real life, I still have that longing to emote and dramatize and to make life bigger than it is in reality and to put on a big show in which I say profound things and have much body language and grand gestures and a loud voice that fills the space I'm in. I wish to be like a diva and have all the attention focused on me, without becoming a spoiled brat.

I want to stand on a stage and have a large audience applaud me for a long time and shout and whistle and toss flowers at my feet and then go to my dressing room and have chocolates and champagne and admirers, both male and female, and be showered by accolades. What a heady thing that would be.

You see how I have this desire for attention and fame, while in my real life nothing even comes close. The only thing in which I stand out is the way I dress and that is an attention getter. It's my token gesture to what I really want.

Liv Ullman, Ingrid Bergman, Katherine Hepburn and Meryl Streep are my big role models. I would wish to be like them, so ultimately in control of my craft. Strong women who stride through life with big paces. Who command attention by their very personalities.

So, now you know about my secret wishes. There are probably more. The other night I had a dream about a man who I fell in love with. He came from Tibet and had a very good soul, because he was like a Buddhist monk and meditated often. There were other men in that dream. Western capitalistic men, but I chose him because of his inner peace. To me that means that I know the quality of the man I'm looking for. Well, I'm not actively looking, but if I run across him, I'll know.

I am very much attracted to Buddhism and meditating, but I don't know if I possess the qualities to do those things well. I may cheat and try to find shortcuts. It must be very difficult to sit quietly for one hour in one position and to not want to smoke a cigarette, but I think one day I will find a guru, someone who can take me by the hand and lead me through the process. I do want to have a Higher Experience, to go somewhere towards a Higher Being and be one with it. If only for a short time. Or repeated short times.

Now you know another secret. I am like the Book of the Apocalypse here. All will be known.

I have to walk the dog now. We're completely off schedule because of the rain, which hasn't really stopped for most of the day. Sometimes it's just a little more than a heavy mist and then it gets serious again. I think it has stopped now, so I must take the opportunity.

Ciao...

Silly Woman...

I am such a silly woman. On the night of the day that I post a statement that I sleep all night long and don't get up in the wee hours of the night anymore, I do, of course, making a fibber out of me. I've been up for a while now and unable to go back to sleep. Every once in a while I nod off a little bit, but then pop up wide a wake again and continue with my blog reading.

I actually don't mind too much, it is quite cozy here with the Überhund beside me and the cats spread around me. We sit by the low lights of the living room, with the heater on, and make the best of it. The coffee tastes good and so do my cigarettes. I have been reading comments to the various blogs I read and just started reading blogs on the google reader. There is always something to keep me occupied.

Now I can sing, "The bed's too big without me," and it is true, when only the cats are laying down in it as is their want. They leave little tufts of hair on my sheets that I have to remove before I get in it. I am such a patient owner, I tolerate animals on my bed, not that I can do much about it, they'll lie down there with or without my approval.

After I applied the flea drops to the Überhund yesterday, I washed his bedding and today, when the Exfactor comes over, we will tackle the cats, which is always a job and a half. You have to pounce on them and do it as quickly as you can to prevent any struggles and sharp nails making scratches in your hands. Cats can be very dumb animals and not understand that you are not doing anything harmful to them, they just think all of it is scary and they all become panic stricken.

The Überhund patiently undergoes whatever I do to him and he knows he will get a reward, but most of all, he trusts me and I think that is the main thing. He is such a trusting old dog. I call him an old dog, even though he doesn't really act all that old yet, except for his long naps and his unwillingness to play with little puppies that he meets on his walks. They are just a little bit too exuberant for him. Little puppies go crazy when they see him and want to climb all over him and he scoots out of the way in a hurry. They probably see him as a very strong paternal type.

Yesterday, when I came home, he didn't come tot he door, which was very odd and I went looking for him. He was laying on his blanket, but I couldn't see him breathe and for a moment, my heart was in my throat, until I called his name and he raised his head. He had just been so sound asleep that he hadn't heard me come home. Scary moments, those are.

My bank account is very low, due to having paid for my new glasses and for the expensive flea drops. I have 9 days left until I get paid again, and I will have to eke out an existence somehow and make it last as long as possible. It's a challenge, but one I won't be able to walk away from, nor would I want to. I had less money this month than I normally do, due to the ending of the year accounting in the subsidies and I knew it was going to be a bit tough. I'll just have to buy the minimum basics and get by the best way I can. Like I said, it is a challenge. Eking out an existence is not strange to me. I've had to do it before and somehow it always works out, robbing Peter to pay Paul. It's a fact of life.

Someone said to me yesterday, referring to my punk hairdo, "You're a pretty wild woman today," and then proceeded to tell me about this hairstyling stuff that is almost like rubber and when you apply it to your hair, you can shape it in any wild way you want and it will stay that way and be indestructible. It comes in a jar and is called the Body Shaper, or something like that. She told me where to buy it and when I am solvent again, I will get some, because I am all for hair that I can make do anything. I like having somewhat unruly hair. If my hair is combed too neatly, I feel very dull and unadventurous and my hair is so short now, that it needs all the help it can get. A jar costs less than 2 Euros, so that won't break the bank.

I enjoy walking around and looking at other women to see how they decorate themselves and what they do with their hair. I suppose I am always looking for ideas on what to do with myself and I always see something interesting that I want to try out. Or I see something someone is wearing and I want to find out where they bought it. The most interesting to me is to see what people do with short hair. Then I look at what people wear and I avoid looking at women that are my age, because they dress prematurely old for the most part. I mean, a lot of them dress like middle aged women and I'll have nothing to do with that.

I look at women in their thirties and see what they make of it. They wear interesting coats and boots and leggings and scarves and I get ideas on how to put those together, while still remaining true to myself. I pretty much know what is not gong to work for me, but I do like to upset the applecart. Combine Pipi Longstocking leggings with a flower print dress, for instance, and boots to go with it. Or wear two different but matching necklaces and a scarf and two or three layers of clothes of which each shows. It's all about decorating, like you are a Christmas tree or an art project.

I look at what men wear too, but I am less decided on what appeals to me, except that I like a bit of nonchalance as if it accidentally came together. I like big sweaters and tough shirts with rolled up sleeves and pants with pleats in them. I like jeans too and boots and very nice brown shoes. I like men in long coats. I don't like a man who wears a hat that even remotely looks like a cowboy hat, no matter how cold his head gets. I like men with longish hair that they have to keep tossing back and I love a man who smells good. Good aftershave is a must. I don't like a man who wears sport shoes. Well, I guess I am more decided than I thought I was.

Well, all craziness on a stick, as we say here, but those are just some of my thoughts on those subjects. I bet you couldn't wait to read them. Just for your information, the Exfactor wasn't anything like the man I describe up above. I haven't met that man yet, although I've tried to turn men in my life into that man. It doesn't work. You have to take what you get.

Well now, I think that just about does it for this ramble. It's been a pleasure firing away at you. Oh lord, I wonder what sort of mood I'm heading for now. Well, we'll see where the road takes me. Hopefully to some pleasant hilltop.

Ciao...