Monday, June 08, 2009
Such a such a such a...?
Oh, I'm having a lovely time sitting here with my coffee and my cigarette, listening to the birds chirp cheerfully outside and watching the sun occasionally peek out from behind the clouds that look like an old master painted them in the 17th Century on a pretty day in the springtime.
Well, it is a pretty day in the springtime, if you like this kind of weather and I do. I love the gorgeous clouds that take on all shapes and forms and colors from gray to white and the sunlight that comes shining through them unexpectedly. I wonder if that is why the birds chirp? Are they confused about the sunlight? Or are they just happy? They have a very pretty melody that they sing. It is like a question that needs to be answered.
My other alarm clock woke me up at 7 am this morning with its familiar beep, beep, beep! That worked, I couldn't sleep through that noise. It's highly irritating and I think that's why it works so well. It does make you jump out of bed to shut it off as quickly as possible. All your synapses get fired up at once.
I was dreaming very intricate dreams and one part of it was that my old psychiatrist had given me a package with rope and string and tacks to bind and push and pull my joints together so I would not fall apart. I kept trying unsuccessfully to call him on my mobile phone to tell him that he'd made a mistake and that I needed pills instead, but when I looked at my body, I could see that I was coming apart and everything was very loose.
I took an hour to wake up this morning, cutting it very close, but I was done getting dressed quickly, because I hardly messed with my hair and my make up. I have such easy hair right now, I just run my fingers through it and I'm done. I wear little make up and throw on my clothes and am ready to go. I take the dog by surprise as he lies sleeping by the bathroom door.
I even had some leisurely time for a cup of coffee and a cigarette before I left and I got to therapy with time to spare. I sat in the stinking smoker's room with the other smoking women. The guys were out on the deck, because they are tough and didn't mind the cold. Besides, they have to worry about their image more than we dainty women. Ahem!
I finished my sculpture of the reclining figure that I had worked on so hard and with such pleasure. The only thing was that it had started leaning backwards a bit, so the last thing I did was force it forward again without ruining it. I just hope it stays in place while it dries.
A bunch of sculptures went into the oven today and there will be three things of mine in there, I think. So on Friday I should be painting, which will be a heck of a lot of fun. I will be overwhelmed by it all.
I've started a new sculpture and I find it a difficult one, so I am not going to copy it exactly, but give some of my own interpretation to it. It's too hard to get an exact copy of it. It's very fragile and that does me in. So, I'll change it a little bit and that will be fine too, The main idea will still be there. It's also of a reclining figure, but she's wearing a skirt and it's draped around her knees and I have to get that effect right.
When I got home, the Exfactor was here and he was eating a sandwich and the dog was so busy begging that he didn't have time to greet me. He finally came for two seconds when I called him, but then went straight back to the Exfactor. He does know which side his bread is buttered on. The whole time the Exfactor is here, the dog acts like a spoiled child and he doesn't stop until the Exfactor is gone. You can imagine how irritating this is. When he is alone with me, he is the best behaved dog and never gives me cause for irritation. I think that's because I'm more clear to him about what's acceptable behavior and I can ignore him better when he's having a pity party. The Exfactor only knows the dog as an animal who constantly wants something from him.
I had an appointment with my nice new psychiatrist this afternoon. Although I see my SPN every two weeks, my psychiatrist wants to see me every two months to keep track of how I'm doing and to work out whatever problem areas there are. He helped me with two things today and both of them concerned my extreme emotional tiredness and where that came from and how I could better deal with it to prevent it.
So he helped me a lot today and I voiced some feelings that I had never said out loud and it was a relief to say them. It all dates back to my childhood, of course, and the things I was exposed to then and what I learned then. He's like a wise old man who tells me stories in parables and I learn from them because they make sense that way.
Since I quit taking the Temazepam during the day, I am allowed to take 3 x 4 and 1 x 3 Oxazepams instead. He says it's still a lot, but he can see that I'm not drugged and I told him that my body always seems to need large amounts of medicines in order for them to work.
He's a very kind and thoughtful man and thinks carefully before he speaks and asks you if you're not being inundated with information. I think I'm in good hands and he's glad that I understand therapeutic concepts so quickly.
Now the sun has disappeared behind a gray sky, but I can still see the windows that need cleaning. Won't somebody come and help me clean my windows? They are all streaky and blotchy. My father used to be the best window cleaner in town.
Now I've run out of steam and I need a nap, but the news is going to be on shortly. Maybe I'll sleep through the news.
Have a terrific evening, guys. Keep warm and stick close to the heater.