With a cup of coffee...

I've done some more searching for Tyke's photographs, but I'm still not able to find them. I can't take a new one of him now, because it is dark and I don't want to use the flash because it gives him red eyes. I'll take some later today when there's enough daylight in the apartment. Besides, he is sound asleep on the sofa and I don't want to disturb his beauty sleep.

He's truly beautiful and I'm in love with him. I still can't take my eyes off him, although I'm used to how he looks now. Imagine being enamored with your own dog. It's such a pleasure that I truly enjoy. I've never had a boyfriend as nice.

I can cuddle Tyke all day long and not get enough of it. He doesn't wear me out like people do. He's like having a little kid. They're the best kind of people to have around, especially if they are your own. I guess Tyke is just like my child and he allows me to feel unadulterated feelings of love and he gives them in return too. People really do get attached to their pets.

I take pain medication every 6 hours or so. Sometimes I don't wait quite that long and I'm forced to take it sooner. It does help and takes away the worst of the pain and that is a great relief. It makes the difference between being comfortable enough or not. The worst of the pain is in the top half of my back where I have a mild form of scoliosis. It spreads to my shoulders and is very exhausting.

I try to remember to sit up as straight as possible when I sit behind the computer and to not slouch. I push my back against the back of the chair and sit with both buns firmly planted in the seat. Subconsciously, you take on a different position, probably to get more comfortable, although in the long run that doesn't work out. I have keep returning to the proper way to sit and realign my body. It really helps if I keep my hips straight under my spine and line everything up, including my shoulders and my head.

It's starting to be morning. I have been up a good deal of the night. The rain that was promised yesterday and last night never materialized. We did have lots of clouds move in, but nothing came of it. It's going to be cloudy again today, but no rain is forecast. It's supposed to be a cooler day today, but they said that yesterday too and it was warm enough and humid.

Despite my backache, I'm going to take Tyke for a walk in a while in the coolness of the early morning air. The day is best at dawn. His Majesty does need his outing and I can stand the fresh air too. It will be nice after sitting here all this time behind the computer screen, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. First I'm going to have a tall glass of milk to quench my thirst and do something healthy. When I come back I'll have a tall glass of multi vitamin juice. It's the simple things in life that you have to reward yourself with.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Another nice day...

First the Exfactor was here this morning and when he went to make his cup of coffee, he saw that I was completely out of milk, in other words, that groceries needed to get done, which he offered to do for me as I had hoped. I quickly made a shopping list and off he went on my bicycle with the shopping bag and my bank card. He was back in the shortest amount of time, I still don't know how he does that, and I helped him put away the groceries with Tyke's help. Tyke's help consists of trying to pull everything out of our hands before we can put it away. Then the Exfactor offered to take Tyke for a walk, which I think he secretly enjoys doing, and of course, I had no objections. Off they went together, Tyke leading the Exfactor down the sidewalk with a steady pull on the leash. Tyke can make himself very heavy for 11 kg.

After the Exfactor left, I washed and dried and put away the dishes, but completely forgot to fold and put away the dry laundry. Unless I make a list of things to do, I'm afraid this is my fate and things fall by the wayside. In other words, I am very absentminded and forget things easily and just assume I have been good and gotten everything done. So, unless I forget, I'm going to have to make a short list in the morning with things to do written on it, such as brush your teeth and comb your hair. No, really. I do walk past things that need to get done absentmindedly, as they don't penetrate my awareness until I practically hit my head on them. Or my big toe.

I was reading blogs and commenting on them when the domestic help came ands she was a very nice and polite girl who was more than eager to do any job I wanted her to. Intelligent too and I got the idea that she was a university student who did this job part time. She washed all the windows inside and out and, although she didn't do them perfectly, they are in much better shape than they used to be. She also cleaned the refrigerator and the utensil drawer, which was something that had to happen badly and she had to use a scrub sponge. It hadn't been cleaned in some time and my refrigerator is now spotless.

I feel incredibly spoiled that these kinds of jobs are finally getting done and I am so grateful that they are, because they are the kinds of things that I was unable to do myself and barely was aware of needed to happen. It has only recently been pointed out to me that they have to. The insides of the kitchen cabinets need to happen next and the glass windows above the interior doors and I'm sure there are all sorts of other jobs that need to get done.

After she left, I wanted to keep on commenting on blogs, but was struck by an enormous tiredness and laid down on the sofa for a while, which turned into a 2,5 hour nap. I don't know where all this need for sleep comes from, since I slept so well in the morning, but apparently I needed it. I don't know what role my medicines play in my sleepiness, but I do think they add to it. I always, or usually, feel very good when I wake up from a nap. It's like I'm renewed again. My brain isn't spilling over with all sorts of nonsense and I can think clearly. I must make sure that I'm really awake in the morning before I start doing things. Sometimes I think I get up prematurely when I should sleep more and I try to function before my brain is really ready for it. It makes for a sad performance. It might be better if I don't get up right away, but stay in bed longer, despite my eagerness to be awake.

I finished the book I was reading, "The Pilot's Wife," and liked it well enough. The ending was especially good. I have to pick out another book to read now and I have to have a good look in my bookcase and see what it's going to be. I have so many unread books and unknown authors that the choice is difficult. I'm always afraid that I'll get stuck with a book that I don't like at all, because that's such a disappointment and you hate to put it back on the shelf, because you know you'll never read it. There should be a home for orphaned books, those are the books that only a few people like.

Tyke is lying beneath my computer table and farting. It smells delicious. He'll probably have to go out. I have to go visit Facebook and see my daughter's tribute to her brother. I've been notified of it by my sister.

I hope you all have a good evening and that you enjoy the silence of no planes as I do.

Ciao,

Nora

Post 777.

I'm afraid I went through a horrible dip yesterday during which I saw nothing but the bottom of the pit and I thought that I would never be happy again. Then I realized that I had not taken my 6 pm medicines and that it was probably the cause of my grief. It took me a while to get back to normal, but I did eventually and stopped crying and got involved in watching a tv program and then an exciting series and I forgot all about being miserable and soon wasn't anymore. I think the medicine had started to work and I think that my effexor needs to be increased as I seem to need that most. I was near suicidal at one point and certainly didn't feel that way later on and haven't since then.

I think when I get that low I forget everything else that I've ever felt and only know the feelings of that moment and they are all black and I don't see any sparks of light anymore. You could say to me quite logically that I did not feel that way in the morning, but it would not make the least bit of sense to me, as I could only tell you of my despair at the moment and my wish to end it all, however short and intense that feeling might be. Once my medicine starts to work, the sun comes up again and I start to feel other things besides despair and the heavy load gets lightened and I feel relieved and relaxed again. You could say that is nothing but addiction, but I remember having those feelings before I took medicines and being very crippled by them. I hid them very well from the world around me, I thought, but maybe this is not true. I'm sure it's not true and it made a large impact on the upbringing of my children, who turned out well in spite of me.

You see that in reality I lack a certain amount of self assurance and that my self image isn't much to write home about either. I can act tough, but not be it. The tougher I act, the uneasier I stand. If I have a big mouth, it is only to outshout myself.

Well, so much for philosophising. I do get deep sometimes, don't I? It's to calm the waters inside of me that are in turmoil. I have a lot of that going on sometimes.

I'm going to lie on the sofa for a while longer. I took my medicines fifteen minutes ago, half an hour too late. No doubt we're going to get the now famous sadness effect in a while and I want to be asleep when that hits. My duvet should be dry now and I can sleep in my bed tonight.

Have a splendid day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

So very chilly...

The boiler repairman came yesterday, but he did not have a ventilator, which is what the boiler needs, so he is supposed to come back this afternoon. I hope he keeps his promise, because I'm starting to miss my hot water an awful lot now. I want to put my cold hands into a sudsy sink full of dishes and hot water and I'd like for the apartment to be heated and I'd also like to wash my hair, which is sticking up from sleeping on it and looks kind of spunky, but I'm not so much into the spunky look right now. I'm becoming quite sedate in my late middle age. I was going to say, in my dotage, but it's not quite as bad as that. Not yet anyway.But seriously people, I'm wearing two layers of clothes and my boots and I'm cold. I think I need thermal underwear...

------------------

I pulled on a big sweater and took a huge nap on the sofa. At least I was warm enough to do it. I am still toasty warm now, so that big sweater has made all the difference. Even my hands have gotten warm and my nose also. This sweater is made of wool, so you can't beat that for warmth. I got it from my sister a few years ago and it has been an old stand by ever since. I can pull it on over all of my clothes and be comfortable, or wear it outside when it isn't too cold yet.

The repairman called to say that he would be here tomorrow morning, because he could not get the ventilator today. I know he felt bad for disappointing me, I could tell by the sound of his voice. He promised to be here at 8 am, which I think is very early. I may not be quite up to it then, but I guess I'll have to be. I don't think I'll be dressed by that time, because it is my day off, although in reality it is house cleaning day and grocery shopping day. You know how much I'm looking forward to that, right?

I was talking to another woman today and she said, "You know, house cleaning doesn't at all come naturally to me." And I answered, "Don't feel bad, it doesn't to me either." I think it did when I still had the nesting syndrome when my kids were younger and in theory I could have had another child. I was always being a proper hausfrau then and dragging the vacuum cleaner through the house. In my mind I had another baby once a month and I very often pictured where I would put the playpen and the high chair. So, it wasn't so strange that I was always cleaning up the place in preparation for another child.

But that instinct is completely gone now and I'm not interested in, or getting that much satisfaction out of cleaning house. It's done too often and too dull a job and it comes undone too easily for me to be satisfied with. I don't get that sense of pride from it. If I do get it, the duration is so short, that I hardly notice it. I've just given up caring about it, because of the never ending battle and I do so want carpeting in the living room and hallway. Anything to keep the dust down. I'll do that next year in the summer.

Anyway, It was cold on my bike this morning when I went to creative therapy. The tears were running down my face. I had a snotty nose when I got there, but luckily tissues in my pocket. I had forgotten that I had a different color hair, so I was surprised when people looked at me and did a double take and said," Oh, I like your hair!" The reactions have all been positive, but I really wasn't expecting anything else. I'm pleased with it myself, so I assume people will like it.

I was going to make a doodle this morning and got out all the fine point black pens, but none of them were working well and I had to give up on that project, so I got out an old fashioned pen and a bottle of ink and started to draw with it. I've drawn a continent (made up) and I'm filling it with little drawings of minuscule things. Right now I'm working on tiny flowers that all have to fit together. They don't all have to be the same size, as long as they are small. I don't know yet what else I will draw to fill it up with yet. I have to use my imagination, or look and see what somebody else is doing and get inspired by them. It's itsy bitsy little work and I have to be very patient, but for some reason I am. I like working with that pen, but am a little bit frustrated when I run out of ink and have to dip it in the bottle again. That's how I learned to write when I was a kid, with pen and ink and if you were real good, you got to write in green ink.

Oh yes, Ive changed my template. I've decided that I didn't want to be so obviously out there with my blog page and the header image and the header title. I like this better. It is a little more demure and calm and serene. It pleases my sense of order. It is all very nice and well to try and make your own design, but I like this design from Blogger, although I do wish they had more choice. I hope they catch on to that one day and offer us more to choose from like Wordpress does, but Wordpress has other limitations, so that's why I'm not going back there. You can't just go somewhere for the choice of templates. And don't try to upload those other free Blogger templates, it's not worth the headache you'll get from it.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow and it's not going to be very warm. Well, you do get used to any temperature and as long as the wind isn't blowing too hard, you can stand anything, as long as you're dressed warm enough. We were standing out on the deck today smoking cigarettes and it was not nice out there, but we stood there as if it was a spring day. It even started to sprinkle a little, but we didn't budge. We are die hards. The smoking room was filled with a group of cackling women from the cooking group and I would have felt like I was intruding and so did the others. Actually, come to think of it, the other people who were there out on the deck hardly ever sit in the smoking room. They stand outside in a blizzard. God, I hope we don't get one of those. No snow, please.

I have to walk the dog. We forgot our 6 pm walk and now he is sound asleep and will be hard to get up again. He is snoring, so that means he is way out west. He thinks he's all done for tonight. At least it's not raining now, so we won't get wet.

Have a good evening or a good rest of the day, whatever you can make of it.

Ciao,
Nora

No Dawdling.

If I don't dawdle I can very quickly write a post before I have to get my act together. I am sitting here in the early morning and have been up for awhile, because I went to sleep early last night. It was wonderful, I couldn't keep my eyes open and laid down in the bed like the Lady of Shallot and drifted off to sleep and dreamed intricate symbolic dreams that were very meaningful to me and give me food for thought.

It is creative therapy day and I'm looking forward to it very much. I will be working on that circular doodle that I'm coloring with ink as I go along. I'm hoping it will turn out even better than the other three, because there will be much less black in it. You learn as you go along and you learn from you probable errors, even if they are little ones. I don't mind that, as long as there is headway.

I've forgotten to put out the trash, because I went to sleep so early and just now the trash man came by. It was too late for me to run out half dressed to put my bag out. Well, it isn't the first time I have forgotten and I will just have double the trash next week. I pay per bag, so it's no big deal.

You must have all noticed that my mood has become "normal" again. It has for a few days now, but I didn't want to mention it in case it was just a freak occurrence and I'd start cycling again, but I'm pretty sure it's over now. This is a great relief to me, because there is nothing nicer than knowing in what sort of mood you will be all day long and to have it be mostly upbeat is a nice bonus.

The things to do are, eat on time, drink something nutritious regularly, get away from the computer on time, rest every once in a while and go to sleep on time, no matter what time that is. Oh yes, and take breaks from whatever you do. In my case I get to walk the dog and make cigarettes and sit by the dining table for a while and look out the window and contemplate my navel, which is highly underrated. You must contemplate your navel regularly.

I got up this morning and had to give the cats fresh milk and kibbles and the dog clean water. There's always so much to keep your eye on and the cats will give off signals, but the dog doesn't let on anything. He'd go thirsty all day if I didn't pay attention. Sometimes I feel like a mother hen, busy clucking over her chicks, making sure my brood is safe and sound.

I suppose that's very similar to motherhood, if I think back on it, except that having animals is easier, because you don't constantly have to pick them up and reassure them that you love them. They come to you to be petted, but if you don't have time, they aren't traumatized and they just wait for the next opportunity. They also don't cry when they fall over, because they don't, having four feet to stand on. They also eat everything in their dish and go to sleep without making a fuss.

I have to decide what I'm going to wear. It's going to be a hot day today with lots of sunshine. I think T-shirt and denim skirt day, but not the mini one, because I'll have bare legs and I don't want to show too much of them to the world. I think I'm past the age of showing a lot of leg. Maybe Tina Turner can do that, but she's got a nice pair.

Right, I'll get the show on the road now. I've got to do all my morning chores in a hurry.

Have a terrific day, hope the weather treats you nice.

Ciao...

Obviously...

Obviously, it has dawned on me that the small container of senior food is way to little for one meal for the Überhund and that he is left hungry after eating one, because he is getting less than half of what he was getting before.

Tonight I had to give him two containers before he was satisfied and curled up very cosily in a ball to got to sleep and digest his food. So, that is a problem, because I can't afford to give him two containers of food at each meal and it would still be less food than what he was getting originally.

So, it is back to the drawing board, in other words, the supermarket, to see what other brands of good dog food there are for him for reasonable prices that don't make me broke halfway through the month. I am not going back to the original food, because it was junk and made him gain weight. I have to find something very nutritious that's good for him and will not make him gain weight and is good for senior dogs.

Late this afternoon I knew he was hungry, because he was scrounging around in the street again looking for edibles and he has not done that for a while. He was trying to eat unmentionables and I had to pull him away from them, I don't know what they were, but they did not look appetizing.

You see I've changed my header image. It was time for a change I felt, so I looked around on Pixdaus, where there are thousands to choose from. With a little luck, you run into something that appeals to you. Every once in a while I need for something to be different to keep me interested in what I am doing and make it appealing to me, so that I will open up the page with renewed excitement. It's no good if I keep seeing the same image. It starts to bore me and little details start to bother me and it all becomes too familiar.

I realize that I'm writing an awful lot of posts. I have the constant urge to write, it is almost like talking and if you were in the room with me right now, I would be talking your head off. Every time I see the words 'create new post' I click on them. It's an automatism and completely self indulgent. You can blame it on the fact that I am alone a lot and don't have many conversation partners and that when I am in company, I am usually not the talker, but the listener. I don't unload my words very much with anybody, except here.

I don't know if that's because of the company I keep or because of me. I seem to surround myself with people who have the urge to talk a lot and do so freely, regardless of the fact if I may have something to say or not. I admit I am a silent water, but I do sometimes have the urge to share my own self and always feel hindered in my ability to do so, as it seems that people don't expect this aspect of me.

The hard part is that I have a very funny sense of humor and that it very rarely gets the chance to come to the surface. I am always embroiled in serious discussions that are matters of great concern to other people and I feel that I can't do any sort of slapstick routine when I talk to them. Apparently, I have that serious effect on people and they see me more as a listening post than as someone to have fun with.

I'm sure these are also my own vibrations I send out and I need to look at my own self and see what precisely my role is in the lives of other people. I am sure that I have had some of my spontaneity knocked out of me and I may not get that back with everybody. I'm not half as carefree as I used to be. I may actually be a very boring person in real life, who knows?

I suppose that's why I like the animals so much, because they don't expect me to be any other then who I am, which is for them a constantly cheerful person with a lot of patience. I'm always in a good mood when I see the animals. Even when I'm in a bad mood, which doesn't happen very often, I'm in a good mood with them.

I am, what you may call an introvert, while my sister is an extrovert. In this we differ as night and day. My older sister is also an extrovert, which leaves me kind of by myself in the middle. I am, however, the binding factor, I keep one informed about the other and I serve as listening post to both. Sometimes I feel like a good shepherd who tends to his flock. I would be good as a care giver, someone who takes care of people's mental well being. I always know the right thing to say, believe it or not. I have diplomacy and tact. Even if I don't always show that here.

But here is a different world, isn't it? Here we can be our true selves without our facades on. We stand here in all our nakedness without any make up on and without pretty costumes. I think you people know me better than anyone in the world. I choose to show my real self here. Thank goodness that I can and that I'm not embarrassed to. I know none of you will take advantage of it. You will only know someone named Irene very well.

Alright, very quickly. My mother was an extrovert, my father was an introvert, my daughter is an extrovert and my son was an introvert. I think children should be as little exposed as possible to the quirks and foibles of the personalities of the parents. We have no business messing with their innate potentials. Sadly, I don't see a way around this, except by having them live in a kibbutz and that's a whole other story.

So, that was my long insightful ramble for this evening. I'm not nearly done yet, but I'll leave it at this for now. I am wide awake and not nearly ready to go to bed, which is a problem. I will take my medicines and put on my pajamas and see if that will help.

Ciao...

No need to.

There was no need to worry about getting enough sleep. Almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was asleep and I got up only once to go to the bathroom. When I did wake up properly this morning, there was some question as to whether or not I was going to make it. I sat here quite drowsily for some time, inhaling my coffee and my cigarette, before I was actually awake and functioning. I took about 20 minutes of petting the Überhund before I could do anything else. Lucky Überhund!

I was in such a deep sleep, that I don't remember anything I dreamed about. Usually I remember some small snippets, but I don't remember a thing this morning. As a rule I dream about the children. Not a dream goes by or they are in it, no matter how fantastic the dream gets. If I dream about a tribe in Siberia, the children are there in it too, and if I'm in the South Pacific, then so are the children.

Now I remember what I dreamed about. We were in China and everything was very shoddy. The escalators at the airport collapsed when you got on them and walls crumbled and people fell to their death ten stories below. The Chinese authorities said it was all due to faulty building done by Dutch and English engineers and the Chinese people believed them. We were trying to tell them that this wasn't so, in a language that we made up ourselves and that we assumed was some sort of Chinese dialect.

For some reason, nothing ever bad happens to us on all these adventures and we are always able to communicate. My son always plays a mystical role in these dreams and he gets us into contact with a shaman and other wise people like that. I think he is actually the one who helps us communicate.

Well, that's interesting, isn't it? I'm glad that I always dream about the children. It feels like they are always a large part of my life this way. I know that in reality, a dream only takes a short time, but to me it feels like I spent the whole night with them.

Today is ergo therapy. Remember I told you that 'ergo' is very much like the Dutch word 'erger' which means 'to bother.' So, sometimes we call it 'bother therapy.' And it feels like that too, sometimes. Like you are being bothered. You feel like saying, "Oh, don't bother me so, please!"

I've got to hang up and get the day started. Put on my best face and my best clothes. The Exfactor is coming to do his laundry this afternoon. I've got to look especially attractive for his sake, don't I?

Mwah!

A new day.

I was very fortunate and slept very well. In fact, I had to decide when I was done sleeping, because I could have stayed in bed all day, and that would have screwed up my schedule, so I didn't want to do that.

So, a little bit drunk with sleep, I made my way to the kitchen, where I made my first mug of coffee and I drank it while petting the Überhund and it was a good way to wake up. The Überhund thought so too.

I now have my second mug of coffee and read all of your comments to my post of last night and I must say that they encourage me to start the day with renewed vigor. You've all got an understanding of me that baffles me and I am so happy for it. The way you all use your common sense and beam that across to me in your comments is fantastic. I am ever so grateful.

So, now I am The Boisterous Butterfly, living in the place called The Choppy Sunflower at the address of The Most Splendid Day. I think that will do, don't you? I like how I came by the name Choppy Sunflower honestly, by means of the Random Word Generator. I mean, I didn't make it up and that was the whole purpose behind the exercise. That's where I should have left well enough alone yesterday.

Much to my disgust, it is finally raining today, although it had been predicted earlier. It is rather cozy if you are inside, but I still have to walk the Überhund. He did a piddle out back and is now sound asleep on his blanket, after eating a bowl full of food, but sooner or later he'll really have to go out. Nouri is sitting in front of the window, looking out into the street, pondering the bigger questions of life, no doubt. Toby is asleep on the kitchen counter and Gandhi is asleep on the sofa. That's how peaceful it is here.

I do love the fact that it is Sunday. I have to hang up one load of washing and do some dishes, but that's it for me for today, because I do respect the holiness of Sundays. I love the fact that there is one day in the week when you are not supposed to do anything labor intensive. When nothing is expected of you. You can make it as uncomplicated as you wish and say, "Well, it is Sunday, after all." That's one of the smart biblical things in our society. I hope we never do away with it.

When we were kids, we had our Sunday clothes, although we didn't go to church. They were our clothes that we only wore on Sundays and on no other day of the week, unless we got something new and then those became our Sunday clothes and we could wear what were previously our Sunday clothes during the week. That was always a big deal.

When we were in elementary school, our mother made very many of our clothes herself, as she was very handy with the sewing machine. I loved some of my dresses and she also knitted our sweaters and it was always great fun when we came home from school and she had finished something for us to try on. She would hang it on the doors that separated the dining room from the sitting room and leave it for us to discover. She was always so proud when we liked it, which we mostly did. Especially with sweaters we couldn't wait for her to finish knitting them and watched her progress with much curiosity and interest.

Unluckily for me, I took no interest in the actual process of the knitting, and although I know how to knit, I don't know how to read a pattern, otherwise I am sure that I would be knitting myself some cardigans.

I do know how to sew and when my kids were small, I did make some of their clothes for them and on one occasion, I made them Dutch costumes, which they wore with pride. As a matter of fact, when we lived in the mountains, my kids wore wooden shoes for ease and they wore them so much, that they wore them out and got holes in the bottom. By the way, you have to wear thick socks when you wear wooden shoes, otherwise they hurt your instep.

Well, it has stopped raining, so I better get the day started now. The Überhund is sound asleep by my feet, but will be wide awake as soon as I move one inch. It is going to be a good day. Sleeping well really helps and keeping things as close to normal also does. I've got a lot to discuss with my SPN tomorrow.

Have a great Sunday and I hope it is as relaxing for you as it will be for me.

Ciao...

I was going to...

I was going to tell you about my hot water heater and how it had been on the blink since Saturday and how I had been without hot water to do the dishes and to shower and how I had been unable to heat the apartment in the evenings. I got it to work temporarily once by banging on it really hard, but that only worked one time. I know what is wrong with it, but I am unable to fix it myself and need the hot water heater man to come and do it for me, and he has been called today and will show up some time tomorrow. Tonight, after I came back from walking the Überhund, I was cold and out of habit, turned up the thermostat and the hot water heater started up. Can you believe it? It is a freak occurrence and it will not do it again unless I give it the proper bang, but at least the apartment got warmed up. I am ever so grateful for that.

So, that was the story about the hot water heater and imagine always having to go without it and always having to heat water on the stove. Bbbrrr...

I am between moods. I can rightfully say that and know that I am not fooling you or me, because it is completely true. I am neither here nor there and it is an interesting place to be in. It was interesting this morning when I was at creative therapy and I realized at some point that I had forgotten to take all of my medications before I left the house that morning. Nothing realy awful happened, except that I got a little rowdy towards the end, but then so did everybody else and I don't know if that was through my instigation or if they were just in the mood to be that way themselves, but we had fun. We fooled around a lot as if we were real crazy people. When you are really crazy, you can do that.

I'd like to tell you that I took my medication immediately when I got home, but I didn't, because I was distracted by several items that came in the mail and then I walked the Überhund. By this time, the world was starting to take on a bit of a surrealistic glow and I knew I would have to remember to take my pills as soon as I got home, but for some reason I forgot them again and got side tracked doing something else. When I completely lost my ability to remember what I was doing, I remembered that I had not taken them and then I did with a tall glass of juice, because I figured the sugar would be good for my brain and set me straight quickly. Then I sat on the sofa for half an hour and did nothing while I waited for the pills to start to work a bit before I was off on some half baked job that I would be unable to complete because of lack of concentration.

So, that was the story about the pills. I need my pills and not taking any of them all at once is not a good idea.

I got such an affectionate welcome from the Überhund when I got home. It was as if he literally wanted to physically bond with me, because he got as close as he could get and didn't want to stop being petted. I always make a big deal out of greeting him, as if it is the most important thing I can be doing at the moment and, let's face it, it really is. It is like coming home to your child and giving it all the attention it needs. I hope that I was that way when my children were little, I seem to remember that I was, but time may have distorted my memory. I loved the children so much, I loved them to distraction, but you can never let them know how much you love them, because you have to set them free.

Once I am half way through the day and past it, after I have been gone to my therapies and have taken care of some odds and ends when I get back to the apartment, I never feel like cleaning or vacuuming or doing anything important that is going to make it look like an industrious Hausfrau lives here. I just can't be bothered. I tidy up a bit and make it look as if somebody cleaned it in a hurry with a lick and a promise. There is always the everlasting battle with the dog hair and the grit that somehow always gets walked into the apartment by the Überhund and the cats who don't know how to wipe their feet on the rug by the door.

If I want to clean properly, I have to start first thing in the morning. That's when I am in the right mood, but I know I have to make a list of things I have to do that I haven't gotten around to yet, for one reason or another. Mostly because I keep putting them off for some rainy Tuesday. As if you can wash windows on rainy Tuesdays. Pretending the Queen is going to come over for a cup of tea doesn't work anymore, because even I have stopped believing in that fantasy. I've become such a realist lately. I don't care who comes over to see my unwashed bedroom windows. Well, maybe if it were Harrison Ford...yes, yes...whenever I think I don't like men anymore, I think about Harrison Ford naked and I wonder if he is well built.

So, anyway, I had to take a nap this afternoon, because I became completely incapable of functioning with all my gears running properly. I laid down on the sofa and the Überhund thought it meant that I was going to rub his belly, but I was unable to keep my eyes open. Sometimes you just need to sleep for a little while in order to function properly again. I find that when I can't think straight, it is usually because I need to sleep and not because I am going crazy. Sleep is a great big healing machine.

When I woke up, the Überhund was right there, nudging me with his nose, because it was time to go for a walk. Apparently he had been waiting patiently for me to wake up. When we got outside, for a change, it wasn't so awfully cold like it has been and it was almost pleasant to be outside, although still wrapped up in a scarf and jacket.

An awful lot of leaves are falling of the trees now and people are sweeping themselves silly and it makes no difference at all when you live on a street with tall majestic oaks. The street cleaning machine was out there too, cleaning the parking spaces, but it is all in vain, because next week there will be new layers of leaves. It is very pretty and like snow, because you can shuffle through them and the Überhund thinks there is food hidden in them. He may be right, god only knows what's underneath them. Old people especially like to keep their bit of the sidewalk clean and you see them furiously pushing a broom ahead of them, doing battle with the leaves that continue to drop down around them and then they don't know what to do with the huge pile they've collected, except to leave it there in the corner of a parking space.

I've had 3 cookies and 2 slices of raisin bread today and I am not hungry yet. I am going to make a triple portion of Cup a Soup in a while and I make that with little hot water so that the soup gets real thick. It's delicious. I have to find my joys in food wherever I can.

I would tell you about the Tax Office, but I am not in the mood now, so I'll tell you about that some other time. You can't get all the suspense at once.

The day has gone by so quickly, but then it seems that when you get older time sort of speeds by. This morning I had to convince myself for about 10 minutes that it really was Monday already and I was too late putting out the trash. During those minutes of doubt and me not paying attention, the trash man came and silently took all the neighbors' trash. How could I have missed all that noise?

Well, that's enough for me for today. It's been a ramble and I have enjoyed it. I could go on and on writing about whatever pops up in my head, but then you would all get bored and I would not get to my soup.

I am going to very cozily turn on the TV and hope for an English thriller or something in that genre. Silent Witness has been especially good and I always try to remember when it is on, but very often miss it.

Ciao...