Another thrilling Sunday...

I just came home from seeing my sister where I sat in the garden and got a bit of a tan on my exposed body parts and sun burned knees that were previously white. It is a funny sight to see and makes me look very colorful. I'm white and tan and red.

I'm going to have to rub lotion all over myself so I won't dry out because my skin is not as young and supple as it used to be. I'll have to take care of my face especially if I want to grow old gracefully. There are already fine lines there and I don't want them to turn into grooves because I can't afford a facelift to smooth them out.

I've had to make myself some coffee, feeling on the verge of having to take a nap, and now I'm drinking a cup and am slowly recuperating. The caffeine is doing me good like I knew it would. I won't have to take a nap now and will be able to go to bed at a sensible time tonight.  It will be after I watch the latest thriller because it is KRO Detective Month and there is a thriller on every night. It is so exciting and they have been British and Swedish so far which is very good. I really do get my thrill and can't get enough of them. More is the motto.

I watched the very disappointing football match between The Netherlands and Denmark and in the end I was wishing for Denmark to make another goal, that's how disgusted I was with the Dutch team. The Dutch were so arrogant beforehand and said we would easily beat the Danes. Sure...

I also watched the match between Germany and Portugal and that was only a little more exciting. It's not football of the first rank so far. I will watch the matches that will be played tonight if that doesn't interfere with watching my thriller. My thriller almost definitely comes frst. It depends on how exciting the other teams and matches are.

Now I've got to eat, my stomach is growling.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Irene

How do I love thee, Sunday...

I'm warmly wrapped up in my bathrobe early in the morning after a chilly, rainy night. It's not actually all that cold in the apartment, but it feels like it is because of the damp air coming in through the open windows. 

It's still too early in the season to close them and to turn on the heater. I won't make the energy company that happy. If I dress warm enough, I won't be bothered by the cool air at all and as the day progresses, it does get a bit warmer in here. 

At this moment, I'm more than ready for the day to start, but it may be a dose of too much optimism on my part and I may change my mind later and go back to bed to sleep a little longer.

The whole point is to get through Sunday in the most optimal way and any method is allowed. However you put your Sunday to use is good. There are no rules. I can be as unregulated as I want to be and do whatever strikes me as right at the moment.

I am going out this afternoon. My sister and I are going to an art exhibit and afterwards we are going to have coffee at her house and lightly celebrate my nephew's birthday. He turned 17 on Friday.

We probably won't be able to sit in the garden because it's not going to be all that warm today and we may get some showers. We're experiencing fall weather, which is only appropriate for this time of the year, I suppose.

I will have to think about which clothes to wear. I suppose it should be Sunday apparel but I'm in the mood for wearing whatever I feel like. I will have to see what I can conjure out of my closet. 

I will have to dress keeping the weather in mind. I don't think it's time yet to wear two layers, but the time for short sleeves is over. It's time for cardigans and long sleeved tops.

I'm yawning and have decided to go back to bed for a while. It's still early in the morning and there's no reason yet to be up. I will take my medicines and pour myself a glass of cold milk and crawl back under the warm duvet. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

It's officially Saturday...

What a wonderful day for it to be. Of course, I have no real reason to think why it should be, except that it's a weekend day and I still somehow stubbornly believe that those are better than weekdays. Old beliefs die hard and this one will too. 

Nowadays my weekdays are as nice as the weekends are because I live through them with the least amount of pain. The stress has gone out of them, so they are really no big deal anymore.

A little part of me must still think that Saturday and Sunday are superior days and until I believe differently, I will enjoy them in that capacity as much as I can. I may as well get the most out of it. There's no sense in wasting a good feeling once you've got it. I don't need to talk myself out of it.

At least there will be better daytime programs on TV than there are during the week. That always cheers me up. I do need my cultural input and my sports. I can't be deprived of them. My brain needs to be fed with interesting and entertaining information. 

Right now, though, I've very much got to tell myself to live in the moment and not anticipate the day too much. I have to enjoy the moment I'm in and the fact that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes, writing this post very leisurely. I'd almost forget to do that and it's so important. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas and my bathrobe in an almost cool living room. All the windows are open at the top to keep airing out the apartment. It's chilly outside, but it never gets as cold inside. There's no wind blowing, so there's no draft to speak of.

I'm undecided if I'm going back to bed after I finish this. I may sit in the armchair and contemplate my navel. I actually feel very much awake and don't feel much like sleeping anymore. I'd like to have a garden to sit in and watch it become dawn. 

It's too bad that I don't like to read anymore because I could spend much leisurely time doing it. Now that I have the time, I don't have the inclination. I wonder if the urge to read will ever come back? I still treasure my books. To look at and for the memories. I just have no desire to read one. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Rain, rain go away...

Every time I decide to take the dog for a walk, it is raining as it is now. It completely messes up our schedule and we have to wait until it's dry again. There's a cold wind blowing too and I need to wear a scarf and a jacket when we go outside. 

The cold isn't too bad if you're prepared for it. You just have to make sure you're dressed warm enough. The wind whips my hair in all directions and I have to try and fix it when we get home, but I have to fix it after I take a nap too or whenever I sleep on it. 

I'm constantly fixing my hair because it is so short and I thought I was getting a no nonsense haircut. Because it's so fine and it's such flyaway hair, it has a tendency to get stuck in the wrong place very easily. Maybe if it's a little bit longer, it won't be as bad. 

I'm wearing the scarf as a fashion accessory. It is made of cotton and not too warm to keep wearing inside. I picked it to match my clothes and it's one that I washed along with a lot of other items from the coat rack. 

I like the way it feels around my neck. It's just a little bit warmer and more comfortable than having nothing there. I still have the bedroom windows open and it has gotten cooler in the apartment. I don't want to have to close the windows and turn up the thermostat. 

I'd rather dress more warmly and in layers. I do have enough clothes to choose from. That's no problem. 

*

The dog couldn't wait any longer and I had to take him for a walk. It was drizzling and we got a bit wet, but it's a good thing that I took him when I did, because now it's really pouring. It started to come down hard right after we came in.

At least I won't have to go water my sister's garden. Everything should get a good soaking. The timing of the rainy weather was perfect in that sense. I wished for rain and got it. I didn't realize that my wishes came true. I must wish for things more often. I suppose I must make an offering to the rain gods now.

Tonight 'A Touch of Frost' will be on. I'm in the mood for a thriller and it doesn't at all have to be complicated. I want to relax in my bathrobe and have nothing to worry about for a while. Watching a thriller is the perfect way to get my mind off things.

Right, I have to eat dinner, albeit sort of late. Chicken and pasta soup it is. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to go to sleep...

I've been on my way to bed now for a while, but I'm unsuccessful in getting there. I think I must not be properly sleepy yet, so I am foiled in my attempts. I even took my sleep medication, but it hasn't worked one bit. I am wide awake. I am going to try again as soon as I've written this post because I do want to stick to some kind of normal schedule. I don't want to upset the applecart. 

I slept late this morning and had a heck of a time getting out of bed. I finally got up because my knee was hurting me. I had to straighten out my leg and that was enough motivation to get up. It took me several cups of coffee to become lucid. All I did was sit in my armchair and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes while I waited to become a functioning human being.

Actually, it didn't take all that long. I was one within half an hour, but I like to exaggerate. I also like to drag out the waking up moment as long as I can. I'd rather not do anything right away if I can help it. 

There does come a time when I can't postpone it and I have to get dressed and walk the dog. I found some appropriate clothes to wear and set out with him in the noontime clouded sunshine. The clothes I wore were warm enough for the stiff wind that was blowing gray clouds across the sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but then it actually never did all day. 

The wind blew so hard that it almost ruined my hairdo, even though I had hair sprayed it. Later on in the afternoon, when I rode my bike to my sister's house, I got very much out of breath from pedaling into it and even worse so on the way home. It felt like I was at the sea with a good storm blowing in my face. 

Luckily, in my sister's garden we were somewhat sheltered, though it wasn't as warm as it usually is and we couldn't really sit out there with bare arms. We certainly didn't get a tan because there were too many clouds covering the sun all the time. It would have been good if it had at least rained because the garden needed it, but not a drop fell from the heavens. 

I had two cappuccinos and a cold beer and a piece of chocolate with nuts in it. That's about as decadent as I could get and it did fill me up. The beer was very refreshing and I drank it with a lot of taste. It always takes a while before I can eat dinner after that and I ended up eating my soup late and sharing it with the dog. I haven't even had dessert yet, but I figured that I didn't need it after that piece of chocolate. 

This morning I went on the bathroom scale and much to my surprise, I had lost another kilo. I wasn't really expecting that and was thrilled about it. It motivates me to keep trying and to not grab something extra to eat when it's not necessary. I don't need to eat snacks really. I haven't gotten more of those cheese crackers either and now just have the plain crackers again. They're a lot healthier and less addictive. The cheese crackers were loaded with salt. 

Well, it's time for me to try and go to sleep now. I will start the ritual all over again. I think I'm sleepy enough this time. I'm longing for bed anyway.

I hope you'll all have a good night or that you're still having a good Sunday. Mine was good enough. I'm not ready for it to be Monday. Blagh! 

Ciao,

Nora

 

Before the morning starts...

I'm up before it's even dawn and no doubt this will necessitate me going back to bed sometime today to sleep some more, but never mind. I do have the time to do that. I have no appointments and no one coming over. It's a free day. I will go back to bed when I feel that I can't stand on my two legs anymore and that I will fall asleep while I'm doing whatever chores I find to do. In the bedroom the radio is softly playing, so I can go back to it whenever I please.

I didn't sleep for a long time. I had to go to the toilet and let Tyke out back and then I was so wide awake that I stayed up. I'm always so full of curiosity and action when I get up at that time. It's like I can't wait to start the day and wait for the sun to come up to shed light on it. I'm too impatient to stay in bed, no matter how nice and comfortable it was in there. I'm definitely an early morning person.

If I had a garden, I would be out there first thing with my cup of coffee and do whatever I could to make it look better. Pinch off dead flowers, remove dead leaves, pick out snails, admire my handiwork. I'm going to fertilize the soil of my flowerbeds next spring and plant shade loving plants there, never mind that Tyke will probably pee on them. I'm an optimist and assume that most of them will survive. I will pick hardy plants that can take a beating.

The peanut butter sandwiches worked out well. I can eat one if I cut off all the crusts and feed those to Tyke who gladly eats them up. One is just enough and then I'm full, but I savor each bite and I can eat again a couple of hours later. I forgot how good peanut butter tastes and how well fresh wheat bread tastes. It's a pure luxury to eat those things and I'm in 7th heaven when I do. I have a glass of cold milk to go with it and it is very good, though I can hardly finish it. The gastric band does restrict me and that's a good thing, because I would have many peanut butter sandwiches if it didn't. I do have a tendency to find my solace in food and now I can't. I just have to be creative with the foods that I can eat and find ways to get full and get my nutrition.

Yesterday afternoon I sat in my armchair by the light of the reading lamp with a tall glass of milk and read my novel. To make myself more comfortable, I had the armrest pillow of the sofa at my side so I could lean against it. I had put a pillowcase around it that fit it perfectly and matched the decor. The pillow is always picking up cat hair and Tyke likes to toss it to the ground so it gets dirty easily. I have to find the matching pillowcase for the other pillow. I'll have to dig into the closet where I'm sure it is. My complimentary colors are red and yellow.

I read my novel and I'm sure caught up in it. There is a terrible secret in it that's bound to be revealed in the end and we are slowly being led to the revelation, but not without there growing a terrible misunderstanding. This evolves out of a sense of shame and madness. Actually, you get the sense that one of the main characters of the book is really a terrible woman and that she must be very mad indeed, but I suppose I will understand it better in the end. I don't feel a lot of compassion for her as yet. She irritates me terribly and I find little excuse for her behavior. But that's me looking at it with my 21st century eyes. The novel takes place in the early part of the 20th century when norms and peoples' motivations were different.

The formation of our government is at risk. That's a good thing because the coalition that's trying to be formed is a very faulty one in my eyes and in the eyes of many other people as well. It would be a coalition to the right with the support of an extreme right party. Now there is some serious backlash from the members of one of the coalition partners who say that you can't seriously govern with that extreme right party and stick to the principles of the constitution. There is a crisis. It seems that nobody, including the queen, ever took the attempt at this coalition seriously and didn't think it would go as far as it did. Unfortunately, power hungry people did and are very eager to rule the country and be prime minister. A dangerous game was played and now we have the almost disastrous results. These are grown up boys playing at politics and seeing themselves as very important people. I think it is very risky and they need to be stopped. I hope and pray for a good outcome.

I seem to have pulled a muscle in my shoulder and it won't stop hurting. I think I need a good massage, but I don't know anybody close by who could give me one. I may try some pain medication and see if that will relax it some, because it tightens up the muscles in my neck too. There's always some ache or pain somewhere in my body. Well no, I shouldn't say that. Sometimes there is. I'm sure everybody else has the same problem. It's just a result of living and being a human being. My back recovered well and I can sit behind the computer again without any problem. I took some pain medication for it and that cleared it up in no time. I will try to do the same thing for my shoulder.

I hope you all have a terrific day with beautiful weather, but rain for those of you who need it badly.

Ciao,
Nora

Rain on the brain...

I haven't been to bed yet and although I'm sitting here yawning, I've decided to stay up a while longer. I've just watched an Inspector Linley episode and it was exciting as usual with a surprising ending. There's always a twist to the story at the end that I was not counting on. When you think the mystery has been solved, it turns out to be a little more complicated than that.

Now I'm sitting here with my last cup of Senseo coffee and the next cup will be from the coffeemaker that I still have to set up. I'll have to set the clock on it using the instruction booklet and I will have to do that some time in the middle of the night when I get up again, or early in the morning if I'm lucky. I may just surprise myself and sleep all night in one fell swoop, you never know. Stranger things have happened. Usually at this time of night I've already slept a few hours and I'm about ready to get up again. Now I think I'm being smart and I'm skipping that part.

Tyke is standing on the dining table again looking out the window. It pleases him so much to do this and he knows he has to be on his best behavior, otherwise it is not allowed. He can't bother Gandhi if she's also on the table, he has to be a good boy.

I slept until 11 o'clock this morning and had a leisurely cup of coffee while I watched the news and woke up properly. Of course, I also have to bond with Tyke in the morning, so I'm always busy when I first get up. I'm lucky that I don't have to walk him right away, because he'll go out back until I'm dressed and ready. I can take my time. I straightened out the kitchen afterwards and cleaned up all the debris that was strewn out over the living room floor. Tyke had been tearing things apart. He was in one of those moods. He goes looking for things to shred and they're usually unimportant, so I let him. It gets his silliness out.

I called my sister and I think she was glad to hear from me, because it meant that I was still on speaking terms with her. It is true that for a number of days I had felt a lot of frustration with her, but as I got over my own feelings of stress and tension, I got over those feelings too and I was okay again with her and I could talk normally to her. She wanted me to come over to her house, but I had to go to an appointment with my psychiatrist first and I promised that I would come over afterwards.

I rode my bike over to see my psychiatrist and was dressed too warm in my leather jacket, but I hadn't realized how muggy it was going to be. It had been cooler earlier, but in the afternoon it grew warmer and the sun came out, much to my surprise. It's such unpredictable weather.

My psychiatrist and I had a good talk and we agreed, with much input from me, to decrease my antidepressants. I'm doing well now and I'm on a high dose, which doesn't leave me much leeway for when I really need it. It's better to lower the dose as much as I can and to increase it if necessary. I started to decrease it today. He said I should have more energy as the medication has a tendency to constrain your enthusiasm. It makes you a bit dull and flat emotionally. I didn't have to decrease, he left the option open to me. I thought, I'm going to have to do it some time, now is as good a time as ever. I'm quite excited about doing with less medication.

I had to stop by the pharmacy to pick up the proper capsules and then I went to my sister and drank a tall glass of water with ice cubes in it. I was so thirsty. I was standing in the pharmacy completely dried out, looking at the licorice and candy, wanting some and thinking they would make me too thirsty, so I didn't get any. I did regret that afterwards. It would have been nice to share a bag of licorice with my sister.

We had coffee in the garden in which my sister has already planted some flowering plants and it's starting to look pretty. One flowerbed is going to be Mediterranean because it gets a lot of sun. She gave me a book that she had accidentally ordered twice. It's by Marianna Frediksson and it's called Inge and Mira. Last week she gave me the novel Late Night In Twisted River by John Irving. It's a big book that she couldn't get through. I'll try my best. Has anybody read it? It's possibly very boring. John Irving does do that once in a while. Write boring books.

I have to go to bed now. It's time. I do have to try and sleep tonight, much as I'd like to stay up. I have to be sensible.

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora

Happy on a Saturday...

For a change, I slept the whole night again. That was such a nice thing to happen. No waking up in the very wee hours of the morning and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I could tell by the way the trees cast shadows on the blind that it was a decent time to get up. I made sure I was all done sleeping, in case there was something left in my body, but then Tyke snuggled very close and made breathing almost impossible so I had to get up. He does have all that woolly fur that gets in your nose and your mouth.

So, now I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I'm slowly getting myself together. I watched a wonderfully gruesome "Silent Witness" last night and I'm surprised that I wasn't scared to go to bed and sleep on my own. I guess I don't scare as easily as I thought. As soon as the program was over, I put all thought of it out of my head. And when I say gruesome, I really mean it.

Yesterday was a nice day. The weather was warm, though there was a pleasant breeze, and the sun was shining all day. Tyke and I ended the day by going to my sister's garden and watering all the potted plants there. All the plants looked good, though, and they don't seem to have suffered from the hot weather. All the blossoms were lively and bright.

The day started with a visit from the Exfactor and he was kind enough to go to the store and buy me some ice cream. Oh yum, that was so delicious, but I don't want anymore now, because it's very dangerous to have in the freezer. When I know it's there, I hear it call my name. I have no self control at all. I'm an ice cream addict and I better not have it around me. It will cause me to gain a kilo or two. I should never have food in the apartment that I like a lot.

My personal helper got here next and while she was here I cleaned out two drawers of the dresser and found numerous photographs of whose existence I did not know. It means that I will have to get several photo albums. Well, several may not do it. Quite a few, actually. It depends on the kind I get. I threw some things away too in a trash bag that I will add to as I clean out the rest of the drawers. At least I know what's in the first two drawers now. I simplified the contents quite a bit. I even found some pieces of embroidery that I can work on when I get in that mood again. I had quite forgotten about them and haven't done that kind of work in a long time.

The personal helper and I took Tyke for a walk in the warm sunshine and she tried her best to keep up with us. I have to make sure Tyke doesn't walk too fast. He walks through the tall bits of grass and weeds and is always covered by pollen, but I seem to be over my allergies completely and am not bothered the least bit.

Just as the personal helper was about to leave, the domestic help got here and merrily set off to work with a bucket of suds. She spent a lot of time cleaning what I thought was a clean bathroom and then told me that the bathroom was coming along well. She must know something I don't and see dirt that I don't see. I always clean up after myself real well when I have showered or used the wash basin. I think I leave the bathroom behind spotlessly, but I guess I don't. She then dusted the apartment and hoovered and mopped the floors and was one whir of activity. I feel her back ache when I see her at work. She's amazing.

Today I have to do the dishes and hang up a load of laundry to dry and possibly change my bed. I do want to start using that new washing powder as soon as possible, but I have to use up the old one first. Waste not, want not. If I change my bed, I'll have another load of laundry to do and I can hang it up outside to dry. That brings me closer to using the new washing powder. Oh, for Pete's sake. I'll just use it anyway and throw out the old one. There's just a little bit left. Things you can get worried about, really. Talk about taking it to an extreme.

Alright, that's all settled then. I'm putting clean sheets on the bed and that will be nice for tonight. Yesterday afternoon I took a nap on the sofa. It was very pleasant, but I worried about not being able to sleep at night. Well, I need not have worried about that, because I slept very well. I think I will have another nap this afternoon. I feel in my bones that there is one coming up. Never let it be said that you can have enough sleep on any given day. There's always a good time for a nap. Eight hours of sleep is not enough. I need at least two more.

Have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

A long time...

It seems like a long time ago since I last posted, but it was only yesterday, I think, when I last did. Yes, it was early in the morning when I wrote my last post on Wednesday. Normally I don't wait that long, because I always have so much to tell. This is an exception then to the rule. I don't really have that much to tell. I'll try to come up with something anyway.

I'll tell you about the weather first, which has been splendid. Today it is 27 degrees Celsius and the sun has been shining non stop, as it did yesterday. There's a breeze blowing to cool things off just a bit, so you don't feel stifled. It's just warm air blowing about, but it does give you the feeling that you can breathe.

The apartment is staying relatively cool, because it's insulated well from the heat. I have the window shades three quarters of the way down so the sun doesn't shine into the living room relentlessly. All the doors are open and the windows are open on top. The back of the apartment is in the shade and very cool. I feel a little bit of a draft by my bare feet and it is very pleasant.

Because my sister is in Italy this week, I took Tyke to her house yesterday and watered all the potted plants in her garden with the watering can. It was a fun job and reminded me of my own gardening days. Things are growing well in her garden and it was enjoyable to go from one pot to the next and look at the flowers. The lobelia and the geraniums did best. Tyke had a ball running around and it made me wish I had such a large area myself for him to play in. I'm going to water the plants again tomorrow, unless we get that shower that has been predicted.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and did the groceries for me. On the way home, he stopped by the Turkish vegetable and fruit man and bought a basket of strawberries. They were so red and ripe and sweet, that you could not stop eating them and I ate them all day long until they were gone. Tyke ate some of them too, until his dog instincts took over and he realized that he didn't like strawberries. The Turkish man always has very good fruit and gets new deliveries every day. A lot of people who shop at the supermarket, stop there to buy their produce. His prices are very good too.

The Exfactor bought me a better washing powder that I can't wait to try out. It was more expensive than the one I always get, but I figure it will do a better job too. What I want more than anything, though, is for the laundry to smell good. The washing powder that I have doesn't do that so much. I want the closet to smell like clean laundry when I open the doors. Especially the sheets and pillow cases, but everything really. If I can achieve that, I will be very happy. There, don't I sound like a proper housewife? I may fall for any advertising scheme.

Today I slept a lot. First in my bed and then on the sofa. I was not in the mood to do much, not even for sitting behind the computer very much. I really just needed to sleep. It's probably because of the change of weather. By all rights I should be lying out in the sun getting a tan, but with my luck I would get bright red or get freckles.

That's all the news I have to tell you for today. I hope you all had a good day and nice weather like I did. I'm in the mood for an ice cream.

Ciao,
Nora

In the black blue yonder...

It is in the wee hours of the morning again and I have been up for awhile. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and am incredibly thirsty. I'm almost out of milk and will have to take powdered creamer in my coffee shortly, which is not a pleasure to me, but it is better than drinking it black. I have not had my coffee black in a very long time and I don't like it now. I'm also almost out of lemonade, so things are dire. I do have a bottle of lemon juice that I can make lemonade with if I add enough sugar and I will try that next. It will be a real thirst quencher if a make it not too sweet.

For some unfathomable reason I decided to stay up after I had gotten up to go to the toilet tonight. I didn't want to go back to sleep and decided that was boring. I decided I had better things to do with my time. Well, you can guess what those things were, right? Sitting behind the computer and wasting my time that way, because it's so nice to be up in the middle of the night. I'm so incredibly clear headed, after all. Actually, I'm over courageous and make bold statements in the emails I send out. I try to tell myself, though, that it's the real me speaking and that it's the real way I am. A tough broad with an attitude. One that can't be easily labeled and fit into a box. It's time to give that person some breathing space.

The early birds are singing in the hour before dawn. They are full of good hope like I am. They must know the secret to a happy life. I'm now going to see how long it actually takes for it to get light. I think it will be in another 20 minutes or so.

I have a great desire to hit the open road and to keep going through the endless countryside until I come to my destination, which I will recognize when I get there. That's what I used to do when I lived in California and had my car. I loved traveling and going to unknown places. Little towns on the coast with roadside restaurants and small supermarkets to buy supplies at and a motel to spend the night. A bottle of wine, a can of oysters and a box of crackers to have for the evening. A six pack of cokes to start the day with, my own company and a walk through town. Those were the days of freedom. I have fond memories of them.

They sure are in shrill contrast to the relatively sheltered life I live now. I couldn't be further removed from that person I was then to how I am now. I must try to regain some of that old spirit. I must get back to my liberated roots. My emancipated self who had set herself free, but who I subsequently grew fearful of. I thought she was a dangerous and unpredictable woman, when in fact she was wonderful, if not a little unguided. I have experience on my side now and could use her very much. Maybe we will be witness to a new liberation. Maybe I will set that woman free again. I must embrace her points of view and her attitude and not reject her stand in life. She had a valid vision that I must no longer reject. I must own up to it. The sooner we set that woman free, the better.

I realize that I have been rejecting a large part of me and keeping that part from existing by sheer willpower and force. It's been misguided shame and guilt that has kept me actively doing this from the middle class rules of morality that I find myself submerged in. They are not my rules and I reject them, but I've been trying to conform to them all this time, walking on a tightrope that had me constantly off balance in a very precarious situation. It's time I got over that good and well, and got back to my own set of rules. My own sense of morality. I'll decide how morally solid I am. I will use my own guidelines. I'll make up my own mind about it.

It's been dawn now for a little while. The first birds have stopped singing and I'm waiting for the second set to begin. It's very appropriate that it became dawn as I was writing this. My timing was accidentally excellent.

I've had the last of the lemonade and I think I will have the last of the milk too. I'm so thirsty. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. I have to go water the potted plants in my sister's garden. I will do that this morning when I walk Tyke. I won't wait too long to do that. It's nice and quiet outside now and it's light enough to go out. I will dress warmly, though, because it's been a cold night.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

On the sofa...

I laid down on the sofa this afternoon, in the sunshine that came in through the front windows, and finished "The Stone Diaries." I had already looked on my bookcase to see if I had any more books by Carol Shields and I do. I have two of them, "Dressing up for the Carnival" and "Larry's Party." I think I will read the latter next. I think the first one is a collection of short stories. After I finished reading "The Stone Diaries," I laid it down on my lap and folded my hands over my chest and went to sleep very peacefully.

I woke up with Tyke on my lap and Gandhi too and the two of them were making a racket, so I had to get up after I got licked awake by Tyke and his wonderful dog breath, which isn't quite puppy breath any more. I smoked a cigarette to come to my senses and then made a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out and opened the back door to let the fresh air in. The jasmine bush is very green and the Golden Rain is getting buds on it. Soon it will have blossoms, although it is a little late this year. The mountain ash berries are showing life and will soon be green. Tyke is ignorant of all of this and just lifts his leg against it and pees. It doesn't seem to do it any harm. Maybe it is fertilizer.

I just took him for a walk around the field and a lot of people were sitting out in the sunshine. It's a communal field, so all the people whose houses face it use it to sit and relax on, but they do keep a close eye on me and my dog to make sure I clean up after him. It would be very antisocial not to and not a hair on my head would think of not doing it, but there are those people who get away with it when no one is looking. It's pretty disgusting. Kids play on that field and a whole social life takes place there. They even have parties and barbecues there, so it's a big deal to keep that field cleaned up.

My, I am talking about interesting things now, aren't I? I hope you aren't eating your dinner.

I've just taken my medicines and it seems that everything is working correctly. I have them spread out evenly over the day so I feel like I have some control over them and how much I get off it during the day at different times. I'm not bothered by the decrease in my anti psychotics. If anything, I feel maybe less down, but I can't be sure, because I'm drinking a little more coffee. That does effect me and it makes me feel better as can be witnessed at the end of the day when I really feel good. Maybe it's just a relief to have the day over and done with. I do like the evenings and the nights the best, after all.

Today was not a bad day, though, and it went by quickly and I did not feel like I wanted to sit down and sob in misery once. I think that reading a good book helped a lot and diverted my attention. Sleeping also helped, but a good book does wonders, because you really can get lost in it and be transported to another time and place and have your imagination be stimulated. If you're lucky, you recognize bits and pieces of yourself and your own life in it and it puts you to thinking about it from a different angle. You wonder how you did things and why and if you could have done them differently, or if you did them equally inadequate considering the time you lived in and the circumstances.

I was born in the fifties and am a product of the fifties and not at all a liberated woman like a lot of my contemporaries are. I was raised to be dependent and unable to fend for myself. Just because all the women in my family wore the pants in their households, I thought we were liberated, but nothing was further from the truth. We were all heavily dependent on our husbands for our livelihoods and not at all capable of taking care of ourselves. We knew how to run a household and that was it. I come across such women in the books I read, or very liberated and educated ones, and compare notes and see how bad off I am.

But never mind about that. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. I am where I am now and must make the best of it. I am getting lots of help to do just that. It's amazing what input I'm getting. I must make good with that.

It's still early in the evening. Normally I don't have a post written this early, so doubtlessly there will be another one later on when I can't sleep. Or maybe I will surprise myself and go to bed early tonight. The only problem is that I will awaken in the middle of the night and have nothing better to do but to sit here behind the computer again. I could take a second sleeping pill then and sleep longer. Maybe that's a good idea. Anything to survive the night right.

Tyke's out cold behind me on the floor. He never lies on the comfortable cushion because it is too far away from me. I'll see if it helps when I move it closer. At night he sleeps on the bed with me and when I wake up he greets me eagerly and comes up to cuddle. He's just one woolly, squiggly teddy bear, all black curls. He's like a movable stuffed animal.

I'm off to start reading my new book. I hope it is as good as the last one. I'm full of anticipation.

Have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Nora

In my pajamas.

It was already past 1 pm and I was sitting here in my pajamas reading blogs and drinking glasses of multi vitamin juice, being a woman of leisure with nothing better to do but smoke numerous cigarettes and leave astute comments behind, when finally Jesker decided that he had digested his food well enough and that it was time to go out and do his business and leave his mark on the various bushes and lamp posts in the neighborhood.

This meant I had to get dressed and get my unruly, 'sticking up all over the place hair' in order. I did this by rubbing a damp washcloth over it and that worked just fine and I ended up with exactly the right hairdo so, as they say, you learn something new every day. Now I have washcloth hair that you apply hairspray to and that is extremely fashionable and wouldn't look out of place on the catwalk. I just need the body to go with it, but in my upbeat mind, I already have it and can't be persuaded to think anything else, so I act like I do.

Honestly, I have such a high opinion of myself, that I regularly need to be scraped off the ceiling and when I go outside, I should be weighed down by a ball and chain or I would escape gravity. Just now Jesker served that purpose. At the moment, I don't have a humble bone in my body and they are all light as air.

It can't be the weather that is making me feel this way, because we started the day off with showers, some of them pretty hefty. Jesker didn't even want to go out back in them and did a piddle on a weed that was growing in a crack by the wall of the apartment just outside the door. He has no sense of decorum whatsoever. Maybe it will kill the weed and I won't have to pull it out, but it's a pretty tall one and well established.

That goes to show you how much I let nature take its course out back. All growing things go their own way. I have some very pretty flowering weeds in the flowerbeds that I refuse to pull out. The flowers are dainty and pink and it looks like someone planted them there. Nothing can kill them, because Jesker piddles on them too. Besides, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth. We walk in nature to see these things grow in their natural habitat.

I'm wearing a sun dress with a short cardigan over it and leggings and my boots that I like the best. The shrinkage of my stomach encourages me to try on some different clothes and to walk prouder. I imagine everyone can see that there are 6 kilos missing, but that may be my own assumption.

I assume a lot nowadays. Like knowing what's best for the world and how to solve all of its problems. I'd have firing squads for all corrupt government officials all over the world. Especially those leading African countries and I would put women in charge there and imprison any man who would try to rise to the political top. God, I would be a despot.

I suppose I feel like a despot right now in the sense that I think I'm always right and that I can't give a wrong answer to a problem. A sort of omnipotence has entered my being. I feel like a small god, small being very relative, of course. Small in the sense of the universe, but not in the sense of the human scale. Maybe I have 'world leader madness' and you are supposed to have this when you have high political ambitions. Maybe Obama has it and maybe even the Pope.

But look at me, I'm not even a big fish in a little pond, although secretly I think differently and I think I am God's gift to the world. A well hidden treasure like the Grail and some day my true purpose will be revealed. All mad people must have a special destiny, don't you think? They are the oracles for their generation. Maybe they are the prophets. I better start to speak very sagely now and in parables.

I have to keep my wits about me in this hypomanic mood and not get derailed. I am going to try and be a good observer of myself and see how I handle various situations and various people. Contrary to what I thought in the past, that a hypomanic mood had to be suppressed as quickly as possible, I'm allowing myself to have this one and to learn from it what I can.

My experiences and interpretations will be different than when I am in another mood and I want to take advantage of that and integrate these lessons into my thoughts about myself and the world around me. I don't want to waste the opportunity to see things from a different angle and from a way more secure and upbeat point of view. I am not going to suppress it with medication.

Saturday's mail is laying unopened on the dining table. It was late yesterday when I got it out of my mailbox and I excused myself from opening it. Today my excuse is that it is Sunday and that I don't do any work on the day of rest, as nobody else is doing any either. There is an official looking envelop from the Tax Office and I hardly dare open it. I don't know what sort of news it will bring me as it's coming quite unexpected.

I know curiosity will get the better of me and that I will open it later today and deal with whatever is inside. I just hope they don't want money, because I don't have any to go around. I am already thinking about not spending the money on the grasses for the pots and the frames for the collages.

I am such a penny pincher, I sit on my money and make every dime last. It's a sport to only spend a certain amount of money on groceries and tobacco each week and I'm doing great. Last year I was in constant danger of breaking the bank, but I have a completely different attitude now. I guard my money like a mother lioness guards her cubs. Even now when I'm hypomanic. Wild horses can't drag me to the stores to spend money on clothes and other items that I don't need. Besides, I'm shrinking into some clothes again.

My glasses? Well, I needed them. I look good and can see well and I wear them from the moment I get up until I go to sleep at night.

I bought a 2 kilo bag of cat food for 2 Euros and the cats like it better than the more expensive Gourmet and Felix cat food. They eat it and ignore what's in the other dish. Well, they are welcome to. As long as they eat with a good appetite and don't sit there and mope in front of their dishes I am happy. That's what they were doing, moping, like, "Do we have to eat this awfully expensive food?"

I also bought some different dried dog food for Jesker, because he also eats that, but just like his other dried food, it's only partially successful. He eats it with reluctance. Halfheartedly to tie him over until he gets his real food. He looks at me as if to say, "Woman, what have you wrought now?" You see how I have many telepathic dialogs with the animals. Well, it's silent from their side, I actually talk out loud to them.

Alright then, not because I'm running out of things to say, but because it's a long enough post, I will end it here. It's a true pleasure to sit here and just ramble on to my heart's contend. I could do this all afternoon and start a novelette.

I hope you're all having a good Sunday and something better than the gray rainy one we're having here, although personally it doesn't bother me, there's something cozy about it.

Ciao...

Sunday, sunday, feels so good...

I watched a Dutch movie late last night and it was actually enjoyable. I didn't fall asleep during it and that is saying something. It was funny and exciting and had an all women cast and they were good too. It finished at midnight and that is when I went to bed, not bothering to read my book, but just laying down my tired head on the pillow and drifting off to sleep. I got up once to go to the toilet, but slept until 10:20 am.

The dog was standing beside the bed wagging his stumpy tail when I woke up. Needless to say, he had been waiting for me to do so. Toby climbed all over me, because it turned out that the kibbles were all gone. It's wonderful to feel so needed right when you wake up.

I made myself a mug of coffee and then remembered that I was supposed to be at my sister's house at 11:00, so I called her to tell her I'd be a little bit late. I had to wake up properly first. This took me about half an hour and then I had the wherewithal to get dressed and comb my hair. No make up on my face, just that freshly scrubbed look this morning.

The dog was more than ready to go and off we went, I in my jeans jacket, for which it really was too warm, but I needed the pockets for various items.

My sister made cappuccinos and we sat out in her garden which is beautiful right now with all sorts of plants tall and blooming. She's got one heck of a tree that's trained to form a straight across canopy and has enormous leaves. I'll take pictures of it the next time. The hedges are green and bountiful and so are all the bushes and the lobelia was bright blue. It's a very pleasant place to sit and have a coffee and a chat, which went effortlessly this time, because you don't shop where the store is closed! That's my mantra.

We also decided to take the dogs for a walk and went around the neighborhood and saw many great flowering plants and tremendously green trees. It actually looks like it has been this way forever and not just a month at the most. I try to take it all in and remember every detail that I see, but it is so much and I should really have my camera handy.

The dog was quite worn out from the walk, because it was warm outside, and he kept looking for a cool place to lie down when we got home, but I think he has recuperated and is laying on his blanket now.

For some reason, I've got a lower backache and it is very unpleasant. I must try to get rid of it by Wednesday when I have dance therapy. I think I'll take those pain pills that I got from my GP. They always work well and fix me up in a few days time.

Today, I have to sweep the floors and hang up some laundry to dry. I also have to water some plants, but not all of them. I've noticed that some of them don't like too much water and if they do get it, they start dropping their leaves. So, I'll have to water them sparingly and hope they come back strong. I dislike plants with special requirements and these seem to need them and there is a middle of the road between letting them dry out and giving them water. They also require a lot of light, so I have to place them close to the windows, where I really don't want all my plants to be.

The dog is finally eating. We hadn't gotten around to that yet today. We had done everything else, such as take his food supplement for his osteoarthritis and I had put both the ointments in his eyes, but he had not had his delicious food yet. He did however just come and ask for it with his cute begging face.

Gandhi thinks she can eat dog food, but if she ever does eat a portion of it, she always ends up barfing it up, so I never let her have any of it, although she eats it with the greatest appetite. She's got a delicate stomach and can only eat little amounts of dry kibbles at the time. Toby is omnivorous, he can eat anything and given the chance will eat a lot of the dog's food. He certainly tries to and it agrees with him too. However, the dog very jealously guards his dish, especially with the new dog food in it.

It's wonderful how well I sleep in my new bedroom. I like going in there at night and the room feels welcoming. Somehow the light is different too and friendlier. I fall asleep looking at the things around me and caring about them. When I wake up in the morning, the sun casts the shadows of the trees on the shade of the window and I very much like that effect, as usually there is some wind and the shadows move.




Well, now I ought to go and do other things, though the lure of the computer is strong. We'll see where I end up right now. The day goes by quickly, it's over before you know it.

Have a super Sunday, its alternately sunny and cloudy here, but it hasn't rained yet. It's not predicted anymore either, so what the heck? Maybe I can hang out the laundry to dry.

Ciao...

Liberation Day.

Today is Liberation Day. We celebrate the end of WWII and it is a national holiday, so that means that everyone has the day off, including me. No creative therapy for me today, even though I was looking forward to it very much.

I woke up at 7 am, all ready to go and do something, but there was nothing to do. Well, obviously there is the house cleaning, but we already knew about that and it really is going to get done this week, because this weekend my friend Joost is coming to stay with me. I must have a clean apartment by then. Although I'm sure that Joost will forgive me any speck of dirt he finds.

So, today I must fill my own day and I think I will just let things naturally evolve. There's no rush and no push to get certain things done at a certain time and all the stores are closed. Much to my disgust, I might add, because I could have gone into town and bought those frames for my collages, but maybe I'm not supposed to spend the money now.

Oh yes, it is raining. The bad weather finally caught up with us and we got it from England where it landed first. We're supposed to have a dry spell for a little while and then some more rain, but the weekend looks good.

I don't mind the rain, except that I have to walk the Überhund in it, but it's not coming down in buckets, so I suppose we'll survive that. The Überhund refuses to go out when it comes down in buckets anyway. He has great bladder control, which can't be said for me.

I always have to know where the toilets are everywhere I am and when I have to go, I can't delay it, I have to go immediately or I'll have an accident. That can be quite embarrassing when you're a grown up woman.I've had this problem to some extent my whole life, it has just gotten worse as I have gotten older. Yes, I do wear pads.

Confidential information in a blogger's post, hee hee.

The advantage of having a gastric band is, that when you drink a glass of cold Coke, it fills you up immediately and it feels as though you've had a meal. It also makes you burp a lot. It's very embarrassing when your gastric band makes you do a long slow burp in polite company when you're drinking an espresso and everybody gets a shocked look on their face. You then have to explain that it's because of your gastric band and that leads to a whole other discussion. People say in disbelieve, "You mean they never take it out again!?" No, they don't, because otherwise you'll become as fat as you were before, if not fatter.

I went to bed last night and never even opened my book. I just put my head on my pillow and went to sleep. That's how tired I was. No wonder after having been up for such a long time, but it felt so good. At the rate I am reading books, though, it takes me forever to get through one and I keep having to reread passages, because I am so sleepy when I read them the first time.

I am not getting around to reading during the day, because I never have a dull moment. Sometimes it's nice to sit and do nothing at all, but to stare out the window and watch the occasional car and bicyclist ride by. Those are just short moments, though, because when I sit down, the Überhund wants to be petted and a cat wants a lap to sit on. They know they can't bother me when I'm behind the computer, so they wait for their opportunity. Yesterday, Toby walked on the keyboard and shut the computer down. It may have been a gentle hint.

My daughter sent me an email with some photos of Lantanas attached to it. This particular kind was called "Irene" and she said she bought them in honor of me. I thought that was very nice. I will be remembered in her garden for a long time.

The mountain ash berries out back are now getting green and are forming shoots. They always look very dead at the beginning of spring, but then, suddenly, they come to life and sprout branches and leaves in no time at all. They only get sun in the morning, so that's not very much and I'm sure that's why the process is delayed, but pretty soon they'll be beautiful and I'll take pictures of them.

I just realized that I have a gray bolero, but that I don't have a short gray cardigan that's knitted of cotton. That's a huge gap in my wardrobe. I must rectify that soon, or my life will not be complete. You know what that means, don't you? I have another mission!

Well, now I have to wake the sleeping dog and brave the rain and go for a short walk with him. Luckily, I have rainproof hair. The rain just bounces right off my short hard spikes.

Anyway, have yourself a really nice day and don't let whatever weather get you down. Remember, it's only temporary.

Ciao...

A Half Way Decent Sunday.

I decided to take my camera into my own little postage size piece of back garden and shoot some pictures of what is growing there now. To the right you see the winter blooming Jasmine which has gotten quite green over the last two weeks, and over the top of it you see the different leaves of what I assume is a tree, because it is growing rapidly and is as tall as I am now. I have no idea what sort of tree it is and it popped up out of nowhere, but it is welcome here and I must get a closer look at the leaves, so that maybe I can identify it, The Exfactor
took the tree identifying book, but I'll ask him to bring it the next time he is here, so we can figure it out.

Then there is the Prickly Bush which I suspect is a tree also, because it has amazing growing capacities despite having been cut back several times. It just comes back twice as hard. It is pretty to look at and also got here quite on its own, but the branches are covered in thorns and are very hard to handle, so it's best left alone. Beside it, to the right, is also an interloper of unknown origin that needs to be cut back because of the washing line and you can see that I really need that book, for I have no idea what it is. Mother nature just gives me these bounties of her hand.

This is the tall Golden Rain now and it has gotten very green, but in a short time it will get yellow blossoms and it will be a sight to behold. It's absolutely gorgeous. Our neighbor says that it interferes with his tomato growing abilities, but I'm not cutting it down for a few measly tomatoes. He'll have to find a sunnier spot for them. Old people can be such a bother and get their mind set on things. Luckily, they are going to their caravan as soon as the weather allows it and he has a vegetable plot there, where he can putter around to his heart's contend.

This is the littlest tree I've got and it is a mountain ash berry, just like the other three trees I've got.
I may have called them different things in the past, but that's what they really are. It also settled here on its own and has found itself a nice semi sunny spot. I am quite taken by all these interlopers and would not think of digging them out. I'm too happy with them. It's thanks to the birds that they grow here. Beneath this tree, out cat Sofietje is buried. We had to have her put to sleep because of brain damage. It'sa fitting tribute to her and a memory to her lively spirits and the many scars I have on my arms because of her, that she gave me in her excuberance too hang on to me in her last months of life when she was a little bit crazy and had stupors.







It's been a slow day at the Pondorosa. I haven't done anything note worthy or to call special attention to. It is Sunday, after all, and that s never a noteworthy day of the week. It stands out in its dullness and lack of interesting things to report. When I walked the dog this afternoon, I sort of let him take the lead to see where we would end up and we took an aimless stroll through the neighborhood, but he seemed to enjoy it and he produced three bags of substance, but I came prepared.

At one point, my keyboard stopped working, but a little fiddling with the cable put that right, though I did panic there for a moment, because I thought, "Oh my God, no keyboard, what will I do now?" I am especially dependent on my PC during the weekends. I am married to it on the weekends.

I think the weekends last one day too many. Sundays are just that extra day I don't need, except maybe to take many long naps on he sofa, but I haven't even done that today. During the week I have one day on and one day off and that is just perfect for me, but a two day weekend is too long. Unless I had a friend to go hang out on a sidewalk café with and drink a Wieckse Witte or two. I must find me another friend like that.

There's my friend Lucien, but she likes to plan things weeks ahead of time and then very often calls things off at the last minute. So not much spontaneity there. There have got to be better friends than that. I'll do some serious looking around. I'll go friend shopping.

Well, after all that's been said, I think I will go and clean up the kitchen. There are about three days worth of dishes sitting there. It's about time those get done, the fairies aren't going to come by during the night and do them.

Have a terrific what's left of the day. The sun is shining into the living room now and creating warmth in here.

Ciao...

Middle of the night.

You could also call it very early in the morning, whatever. The fact of the matter is that I wake up at 3 AM and that there is no stopping me from getting out of bed and getting the day started. I must admit, though, that I like these wee hours of the very early morning and that I spend some of my happiest moments then. I like the coziness and the solitude and the silence of the world around me. I can pretend that I'm the only person awake for miles around.

The best part of living alone, is that I don't upset another person with my schedule. I can be awake or asleep whenever I want. It used to bother the Exfactor something awful when he heard me type in the middle of the night, because he was a light sleeper and my nighttime activities always woke him up. Now I can do whatever I want and I am glad about it. This is one of the very things that would prevent me from starting another serious relationship. It would be the loss of freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time of day.

I don't miss having a man in my life. Sometimes I am a little bit lonely, but not necessarily for a partner. That loneliness can be filled by anything and anybody. They're just lonely moments and not moments that I long for a partner. It's just more of a longing for human contact and it's up to me to fix that problem, but most of the time I am perfectly okay on my own. I find a lot of comfort in my own company. The realization that I can be who I am without having to adapt myself to someone else is a blessing.

Well, I went out on my bike first thing yesterday morning to find some Christmas cards and I did at one store, but I think I got their last box and now it seems that I need to go out and buy another one. I need not despair, however, because there are several more stores where I can have a look.

I have decided that I like sending and receiving Christmas cards very much, so here is a gentle hint. If you want to receive a Christmas card from me, email me your snail mail address and I'll add you to my list. You can email me through my profile. Please feel free to do so, because sending cards is just about the most fun activity that I can think of for Christmas. I really enjoy it and it is almost as good as receiving them.

I have put up the twinkly branches and it looks very nice indeed. It gives me the festive feeling just a little bit. I need to cut off a branch from the Golden Rain and decorate it. I'll see if I can do that today with the aid of my stepladder.

I did finally sweep the patio, which was covered with rotten leaves and I layered all of those in the flowerbed. I figured those would make good compost. I cut back the winter blooming jasmine a bit, because it is such a rambling plant and wants to grow all over the place. I will have to do it again in the springtime.

I am not very interested in gardening in this period of my life, as opposed to a time in my life when I was crazy about it and it was my greatest hobby. It is not something I get excited about now. The patio is just a place where I hang my washing to dry when the weather is good and that is about it. The cats hang out there and the Überhund piddles there in the morning. I do like the Golden Rain when it blooms, it is a beautiful sight.

I bought the muesli with the apple and raisins, but I can only eat a small amount of it before I am full and I chew it very well. So, that means that I eat a little more often during the day, but in smaller amounts. I think in the end that's better anyway. I have also been drinking more fruit juice instead of coffee. I think I drink three tall glasses of that every day. It's most refreshing when you are thirsty and I am always very thirsty because of the medications that I take. They give me a very dry mouth. That's one of the drawbacks you learn to live with.

I have gotten used to wearing my glasses constantly. Now, when I take them off for some reason, my right eye does not like that at all and goes funny on me. It's like it can't focus. That must be because of the astigmatism., but that is all guess work.

I never did get around to vacuuming the furniture yesterday. I got sidetracked every time I planned to do so. I may do it today, even though it is Sunday and my official day off.

I had some ups and downs yesterday and the only way I knew of how to fix the downs was to go to sleep for a little while, because that always seems to get me out of the slump. If I nap for just a little while, I feel better when I wake up, as if my brain has reprogrammed itself and the negative energy has switched to positive. There is such a difference in my attitude between the two poles, you'd think I was a different person emotionally speaking.

I try never to blog when I am negative, because it is all doom and gloom when I do and the last thing I want is a post that is based on my negative depressed feelings. Sometimes I start one, but I always have enough sense to delete it. At least, I am speaking of the here and now and not of the past.

When I feel myself sliding down the slippery slope, I always try to remind myself of all the reasons I have to feel happy, but it doesn't always work. I concentrate very hard on all the positive things and try very hard to stay in the present moment, but regardless of that, sometimes the gloom wins for a while and that is just the way it is.

Well, those are all the words I have for you this morning. I must say that I am enjoying my mug of coffee very well and I am about to make a new one. One decaf coming up!

Ciao...

It's not too late...

I think I went to bed at about 9 PM last night and I slept until 9 AM this morning. Pretty good, huh? I haven't done anything as incredible as that in a long time. It felt good too and when I finally got up, I felt like I could have slept another 2 hours.

Instead, I got up for my coffee and turned the computer on and lighted a cigarette. I was slightly non coherent, until I finished my coffee and was able to decipher the emails I had gotten. I still have to go back and read them again for sureness. There is a twilight zone space for the first few hours in the morning when it is possible that I do not quite comprehend everything I read and respond to it properly. I am also cutting way back on the caffeine and that may cause some slowness in the nerve synapses in my brain.

It seems the Senseo machine has been saved by the application of a bottle of cleansing vinegar that I ran through it. I ran 3 tanks of clean water through it afterwards and now it is working like a charm. I am glad I was able to save it this way, because it is only a little more than a year old. That's too soon to break down, although I admit to a bit of a fatalistic attitude and expect things to break down all the time and am surprised when they don't.

I've cut way back on my Temazepam, that is the medication that is really a sleeping capsule, but that I was taking during the day to calm my nerves. I still take 20 mg of it at night, but I find I don't need it during the day anymore. I think taking it at night leaves enough in my system to not have to take it during the day. It was making me awfully sleepy and I always felt like taking naps. It was making me too tired, because I already feel tired during the day anyway. Even now, after all that sleep, I feel like laying down on the sofa for a while to get some more sleep. I blame it on the wintertime and my need to hibernate and to not want to do anything strenuous.

The weather is not really bad. Just overcast, but not rainy or windy, as has been predicted and it isn't very cold. It's 9 degrees Celsius, which is 48 degrees Fahrenheit. That's not bad at all.

The Überhund is very patient with me in the mornings and no matter how slow I am, he waits patiently until I am ready to take him out. If I really dawdle, he lets me know that he really needs to go, but even then he waits for me to get dressed and take my medicines and for me to give him his pills. I let him piddle out back when I first wake up, so the worst pressure is off.

You should see the state of my patio. I need someone with a rake to come and gather all the leaves and pull the weeds out and trim the Jasmine. I suppose I could do it myself, but contrary to my long ago past, I have no interest in the little bit of gardening that is expected of me. I look at it and shrug my shoulders in a frustrated way. Now, if the queen was coming over for a cup of tea...

I have to wash the bedroom windows, they are very dirty with the rains we have had and I'll need a bucket of hot soapy water to get them clean. It will be done in a jiffy, but I act like it is some huge job that is waiting for me. I will have to visualize it in my mind first and then tackle it. When it comes to house cleaning, I am not on the ball at the moment. I'm fine when it comes to the dishes and the laundry, but the rest is falling by the wayside. I can't find any enthusiasm for it. My motivation this weeks is, that we are having that party Friday night and I will have to get the place cleaned up before that time. Watch me do that at the last minute.

This afternoon, I am seeing my SPN and I have no idea what I want to discuss with her, except that I am going to tell her that the first 4 months of my separation with the Exfactor I was pretty much hypomanic all the time. I don't think she realizes that, because I can hide it behind a rational smile very well. I can pretend I am more in control than I really am. That's what it is all about anyway, hiding your true feelings. I am a master at that.

I always had to hide my true feelings in my first marriage. Even when we were in counseling, I didn't let anyone know what I really thought. That I had feelings of hatred and longings for suicide. That a lot of times I was so depressed and down on myself that I could hardly bear it anymore. The depth of my negative feelings was enormous and I was afraid to come out with them, because it would have set the whole fragile boat rocking. I was trying to keep up the status quo, surviving against the odds, sleeping with the enemy. I was imprisoned and pretending I was not, that I was there out of my own free will.

Anyway, it is time to hang up again. I've got to put on my face and look half way decent. I could do with a large cheering section right now. Rah, rah, rah! I am happy, as long as it isn't raining when I have to go on my bike.

Mwah!