All of Northern Europe...

All of Northern Europe got a big layer of snow yesterday except for the Netherlands. We got a fine dusting of it and then got rained on and it made the snow disappear. Secretly I am very happy about that, well, maybe not that secretly, because you all know I didn't want it to snow. I don't know why we were spared, it was a fluke of nature.

After giving it much thought, and listening to my nagging little inner voice, I canceled the purchase of the new sofa and I was much relieved after I did so. I kept being unhappy with the idea of it and couldn't justify it in my mind. I think I will wait a good while before I will get a new sofa, or may even do what some of you suggested and have this old one reupholstered. I'll see. The thing about this sofa is, that it is awfully comfortable and great to fall asleep on. The new sofa didn't have such great armrests even though it was bigger. Well, it's all water under the bridge now. Luckily, I was not to late to cancel and that was a very good thing.

I keep sleeping very well. I do get up once in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, but I have enough sense to go back to sleep, where in the past I thought I had to get up and turn the computer on. I sleep late in the mornings, at least what I consider late, and feel well rested. Luckily, most of the time, the Überhund sleeps as late as I do, so I don't have to get up to let him out or to feed him. When it comes to timing, we're tuned into each other.

I just finished another book, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. It has a very sad and surprising ending that is very troublesome. I was almost asleep when I finished it and laid awake some time after that thinking about it. I have a grandson who is the same age as the main characters of the book and that made me extra sensitive as to what happened to them. My grandson lives far away from me and there is nothing I can do to shelter him in any way from any kind of harm. Sometimes that makes me feel so sad. Especially when reading books about very brave little boys in dire circumstances.

I only read when I go to bed a night, because it is bound to put me to sleep, no matter how exciting the story. I always have this incredible need to sleep and I must guard against making the circumstances too favorable. Sitting on the sofa with a book results in me falling asleep with it.

I haven't gotten a library membership yet, because so far I have had enough books to read, but I'm running out and will have to get one shortly. I like owning books better than I like borrowing them, but they can be costly. There is a good on line bookstore that has English language literature where I buy books. It's the greatest invention since the wheel. There is never a book that I can't find. They also sell second hand books, which is really a good deal. It's cheaper for me than buying at Amazon.

Well, it's getting kind of late and I do still have to take out the Überhund. He has been waiting patiently, but I have no doubt that he really needs to go, because he has had his breakfast.

Have a very terrific day and I hope you aren't too much bothered by the snow.

Ciao...

I could have...

I could have slept until later, but I decided to get up at seven and start my day. Not that I was all that eager, because it is Sunday, after all, and it is going to be a lazy day and it doesn't matter what time I get up, but I really wanted to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette and sit behind the computer for a while. Besides, the Überhund was restless and so were the cats and they apparently wanted something to happen and I thought that meant food, so I fed them all and after that they all slowed down.

I love the way the Überhund goes comatose for a while after he has had his food. It's like it puts him into a stupor. He goes sound asleep and snores too. The cats get into my still warm bed and go to sleep, so the whole family is happy.

I should be taking a shower now and washing the hairspray out of my hair, but it will wait until later. It is always such a job to get my hair back into the shape I want it to after I have washed it. It's so soft and fine and I have to use the curling iron and wax and hairspray to get it to stay in place. Women do a lot of hard labor to look good.

I tried wearing extra night clothes to see if I would sleep better if I was extra warm, but I woke up in a sweat in the middle of the night and had to take off a T-shirt. So that experiment failed. Apparently, I am warm enough and extra heat does me no good. No men with extra body heat need apply.

It's -2 degrees Celsius outside and it is sunny. I would like to be oblivious of the cold, but I know I can't be and I will have to wear my gloves when I take the Überhund out. I don't mind the cold that much as long as there is no wind. Wind makes it worse and I would hate to live by the seashore where there is always a strong wind blowing off the North Sea. I know this, because my aunt lives there and she likes the wind and is always commenting on it. It makes her feel free like a bird.

I am definitely more of an inland person, as the sea somewhat scares me, not because I can't swim, but because it has something menacing. I always feel it as a threatening entity that is waiting to flood the country and very often I dream about that too. Where my aunt lives, there are dunes and dikes that are supposed to keep the sea away, but when you look at the water that is higher than the street level, you wonder if it is possible. If I lived there, that would be a constant worry I would have. People in England will also remember the terrible flood of 1953.

I bought some special coffee pads that were on sale and that should give me a better cup of coffee. I can't wait to try them to find out if that is really true, or if it is all nonsense. I have to finish the other bag of coffee pads first, though. I can't be caught cheating. The best coffee in the Netherlands comes from Douwe Egberts and that is where these pads are from. If you ever want to try Dutch coffee, look for that brand. It makes the best cup of coffee, so my expectations are high. Usually, I buy the store brand, which is okay, but I want my coffee to taste extra special and strong.

Well, I must hit the shower now and then walk the Überhund with wet hair. I will put my warm woolly hat on.

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao...

Sufficiently...

Well, I've sufficiently recovered from my series of minor anxiety attacks re the sofa and am back to thinking level headed now. The idea that I am going to have a new sofa has grown on me and I quite like the idea and even see that I can handle the minor financial challenge. I have gone over my budget in my head and my monthly grocery list and other expenses and see where I can cut down and save some money. I now see it as another challenge and I am more than up to the task. I had also forgotten that I get a sum of vacation money in May and I may well be able to pay off the whole sofa with it. So all is not as dire as it seemed.

I have had a perfectly lovely day, as it is slowly becoming possible for me to get the cleaning of the apartment under control again. Trying to stay on top of things is much easier now. There are some bigger jobs I need to do, but I know that with time and inspiration those will get done, but all the little things are getting done, so that is a relief and it makes it much easier to keep things up. In the springtime, I will get out a can of white wall paint and do some touch up work here and there. That's when I'll make a list of the bigger things that need to be done. I think I will be in the proper frame of mind to do them then.

I did the grocery shopping, but when I rode my bike home, a wind had started up and blew me right in the face making it difficult to get ahead. I don't know where it came from so suddenly, it had been sunny weather all along. We've had nothing but sunshine for a week and it has been very nice and cheers you up, even when it is cold outside. I still need to wear my gloves when I ride my bike and I always have to wear a scarf.

I had to bring the groceries inside in two trips and the Überhund was sound asleep when I came in the first time. He didn't hear me until I came in the second time and suddenly stood there wagging his stumpy tail, being all surprised and happy that I was there. He can be so sound asleep that he doesn't have a clue as to what I am doing. I can put on my coat and scarf and get the leash and the baggies and my keys and he can still be sound asleep. Then I have to call him several times before he reacts. I think it is old age catching up with him and making him less alert. Although sometimes he wakes up barking when there is no reason for it and I have to calm him down and tell him it is all for naught. I think he gets a bit confused.

Oh yes, the Exfactor was here yesterday. I don't know if he was impressed with the way I looked, he didn't say. One thing though, he never talks about the Paramount and I am happy about that, because she used to be a subject of his conversations earlier on all the time and I never liked it. Now I can pretend she hardly exists and I don't have to break my head about it.

He is going to help me move out the old sofa on Wednesday, because it will be picked up on Friday to be taken to the dump. The new sofa comes on Thursday.

I appreciate the Exfactor coming over as often as he does. I think it is a kind thing for him to do, because I think he comes because he cares and he checks on my wellbeing. He drinks two cups of coffee and is on his way after we've had a bit of a conversation. There is no intimacy or deep friendship between us. That is not how I would define our relationship. There is a boundary there that we don't cross. We are polite and kind. We never touch each other. There is no spontaneity or much emotion. I don't know how we decided that this is the way we should be.

Oh well, I guess we deal with it the best way we know how.

Today is the last day of January, which to me, along with December, are the real months of winter. After this nothing counts as much to me anymore. Now the countdown starts, even though wintry showers have been predicted for next week. As long as it isn't real snow, it doesn't count. I will ignore sleet and icy roads, but dress warmly anyway. Nothing can harm me in double layers of clothing. Although I do have that awfully sore little toe that won't go away.

I am managing to sleep well more nights than not. This morning I slept until 9 AM, which I thought was pretty darn good. It helps to dress warmly in bed, I found out. I may get an electric blanket next year, or just wear more night clothes. Even getting a heavier blanket to go on top of the duvet may help. One thing I don't like to do, however, is wear socks in bed. That's got to be the most uncomfortable thing. I do like it when I feel the cool sheets with my feet when I first get in bed.

Well, now that you know this about me, I think I will end this bit of a post. Have a terrific evening, everyone. I am going to check the TV guide and see if there is anything interesting on.

Ciao...

Really?

I can't believe I did it, but I slept until 9 o'clock this morning. How did I manage that, for goodness sake? Regardless, it was wonderful. I hope to do that many more times when I don't have anywhere to go in the morning. I was up during the night to go to the toilet, but I had enough sense to withstand the urge to stay up and start blogging, which would have been a very insensible thing to do and I guard myself from them. I have to be my own adult and make the right choices. I don't even remember falling asleep again, so I was not really quite awake when I had the thought to stay up.

Now I am sitting here quite contend in my pajamas with my mug of coffee. The Überhund has had his breakfast and his piddle out back and is laying by my side. Pretty soon I'll really have to take him out, but for right now he is asleep. If I move gently, I won't disturb him and he'll let me sit here for a while longer. Oh no, I spoke too soon, now he is looking at me with begging eyes. There, I've let him out back again. I am not quite ready yet to get dressed.

There are moments that I want to savor and draw out as long as possible and this is one of them. It is nice and warm inside and the sun is shining outside and everything feels just right. I don't want it to end.

The new TV Guide came in the mail, but it is the one for next week. Still, I could look in it last night and get some idea of the programming for that night and I watched a bit of television, but I fell asleep sitting straight up on the sofa and missed the most important programs. That's not very helpful, is it? Doubtlessly that was due to my short night the night before. I should be all caught up now and hopefully stay awake all day long and the evening too.

I have been refusing to go on my bathroom scales. I am afraid of what I'll see there and rely on how well my clothes fit me instead. They fit me fine, but I do know that I've gained some weight and that I need to watch it or I'll turn into a porker. I'm not completely in denial, but I think I was in the month of December and that it was not a very good month for me eating wise. I mean, I did too much of it. I think everybody does in December, don't they? It's the stress that makes you eat. January is a perfect month to get over that. There's no excuse to have all sorts of devilish food in the house. Speaking of devilish food, I haven't had a deviled egg in more than 15 years and I used to like them so much.

It's been almost 15 years since I drove a car. That's quite some time for someone who used to drive one daily. I had a car when I first came to the Netherlands, but I never did get my Dutch driver's license and now it is too late, because I can't afford a car and besides, I would have to have a real good argument to justify owning one, considering I travel by bike or by public transportation and I would have to take costly driver's lessons and take the exam, which is difficult here to pass. I would have to get dispensation too, because of all the medication I take. So, for now and the near future, I will be without a car, unless I win the lottery and I would have to play in it in order to win anything, although the Exfactor said he would share some of his if he won anything. Do you think I can keep him to that promise?

It's only Thursday and to me it already feels like it is the weekend. That's because I have no engagements and no classes. The only things I have to do is clean the apartment and do some shopping and I have my new schedule to stick to and help me through the day, making it much more manageable. As it is now, I am already behind schedule, but I don't really care, because I feel that I have to seize the moment and reorganize the schedule on a daily basis.

I do see that I have to clean my desk, because it is very dusty and I could write my name in it. It means moving all sorts of odds and ends off the desk and wiping it clean and replacing everything, which seems like too much work, when in reality it isn't. It just appears that way. I am too easily intimidated by things that look complicated. I call them frustration moments.

Well, I'll finally go and get dressed then and start the day. I can't postpone it forever. It's still freezing outside in spite of the sunshine.

Have a wonderful day.

Ciao...

Take that.

I was up during the night until 4 AM, couldn't sleep and spent my time reading old entries to my blog, which was very educational and eye opening, because I had forgotten a lot of that stuff. All those moods and up and down movements and little dramas and scary moments. It's good to look back on it all and remember how it has been and I didn't even go back that far.

Finally at 4 o'clock I was tired enough to go to sleep and then, of course, I overslept and was late for my ergo therapy class, but I wanted to take my time waking up with two cups of coffee and do my morning routine in the same regular way I always do, so I wasn't rushing and running around with my head cut off.

Ergo therapy went fine. We have another new person in the group, like we did last week, and these are people who stand at the beginning of the process, so they need lots of support and encouragement, which I am always happy to supply, because I am just like Polly Anna and such a good and positive girl. Gag me with a spoon here. Miss goody two shoes optimistic with her head stuck in the sand. Get the beam out of your own eye first, lady.

Anyway, I try to be a beam of sunshine in an otherwise somewhat morose conversation at times and I am always convinced that my positivism will reap its rewards. Surely I get sick to death of myself sometimes and so must the other people. I have to remember to have my own complaints ready the next time and discuss my own difficulties and not gloss over them so easily. I must bitch more often.

After the therapy, it was off to home where there awaited me a very happy Überhund whom I walked straight away and he was very appreciative of that. He peed on all the frozen bushes and on all the frozen tufts of grass, because it was quite cold during the night and in the morning too. Then I had my mug of coffee and took some time to contemplate my navel and discovered that it was still at the center of my universe. That does give me some satisfaction.

Then I made a trip by bike to the drugstore to buy the Überhund some delicious food for 5 days and then it was off to the pharmacy again for another drug round. They see me coming there and stand at the ready with the bag of pills. I am a good customer and the pharmacist probably goes to the Bahamas every vacation from the profits he makes on my drugs.

The tranquilizers and sleeping pills are now not covered by the insurance companies anymore, unless your psychiatrist adds a special code indicating a necessary need for the pills in your regime of medicines, which mine has done, thank goodness. I would hate to have to start paying for them myself. This new policy is an effort to get people off the addiction to the pills, as it is felt that they should do without, but some people need them long term. I am one of them. I can reduce them slowly and do without, but I don't function nearly as well and sleep badly and feel a lot of stress. I have quit them more than once in the past, but always go back to them in the end.

I have my new weekly schedule at home now and will start living according to it starting tomorrow. It is full of good guidelines that I will try not to deviate from too much, but there is also built in a lot of free space to do with as I want. I have to plan some activities to fill up my spare time and not just sit behind the computer or in front of the TV. I am looking forward to some better weather, so the Überhund and I can go for longer walks. That's one thing, but there needs to be more.

I am trying to arrange get togethers with a woman from one of my groups, but our schedules are very different, so it's been tough. The will is there anyway and we both have dogs, but she lives at the other side of town. I can't just walk over there.

I have to get my much neglected camera out and take pictures, but I've been saying that for some time and I'm not doing it. I feel like I am wasting a whole side of my potential by not being engaged enough. It just reminds me that there is so much room for improvement.

Well, balderdash! This is not supposed to be a post to get down on myself. Contemplation is one thing, breaking down criticism is a whole other thing. I will stop that right now.

That's all I wrote. I have to do some Internet banking and eat something. I can't live on lunch meat alone, even though it is very tasty.

Have a good rest of the day, you all. Keep smiling, especially if it puts dimples in your cheeks.

Ciao...

A Splendid Day.

I thought I would title this post optimistically to get you all in the right mood. That way, if I do go on about something, you will forgive me and read on to the next happy bit.

I am sitting here quite cozily with my mug of decaf and the Überhund at my feet, while I am being scrutinized by some cats. I don't know why this is, but I've decided to ignore them, because their dishes are full and I don't know what other meaning I can have for them.

It's been a good and educational day, in that I had my second evaluation with both my therapists from the classes and my SPN and the head of the department and it all went well and I really think I am in good hands. Within the shortest amount of time, they had me pegged down and described the areas in which I still need help and growth in confidence and assertiveness, but they said it in such a kind and caring way, that I could only agree and hope that in the next 4 months I will be able to work on those areas with their help and see myself improve with leaps and bounds and get to the place I want to be.

Really, you never met a nicer bunch of caring women, who are so gentle and kind and who want so much for you to succeed and they will do anything to help you. And they compliment you too, where that is due. So it isn't like you only very gently get criticized. They shower you with goodwill and you leave the meeting feeling as if you've received a dose of good luck. So I am good in my skin now, as they say here.

I had my creative therapy class this morning, so I haven't spent a lot of time at home today. I am doing something completely different from the usual collages that I always make. Now I am making a painting with acrylics and I am having much fun with it. It is abstract and I drew the shapes with pencil and now I am filling it in with paint, which is a painstaking process, but right up my alley. I love working with the paint and a little brush. It's such peaceful work and I love to be caught up in it. It''s almost a shame when we have our coffee break, because I want to keep working. I have done the greens first and will now move to the reds. Then I will add golden yellow.

I am tempted to copy a Mondriaan, but I have to find a good picture of one. It would be interesting to do 'Boogy Woogy', but I don't know if I will have the patience for it, you now, the measuring and everything.

Picasso is a good one to copy also, although it may be good just to be inspired by him and then to come up with something of my own. I am not even going to attempt to copy Van Gogh or to pretend to be inspired by him. Such greatness I could not reach.

I am taking the Überhund to the vet tonight to have him look at his eye and to get some more pills for his osteoarthritis. They work very well, but of course the Überhund will be a nervous wreck, like he always is. That one big shot he had there, spoiled it for him forever and now he does nothing but tremble when we are there.

I found a cute top in my closet that I forgot I had and I'm wearing it now. My small closet is so packed with clothes that it is hard to see what I've got and I really need to get something bigger. I may look in the second hand goods store to see if they have something there that is a little better.

Well, that's it for me for today. I've got to watch a bit of the news and then go to the vet. Have a great night, everyone. At least the weather is halfway decent.

Ciao...

Sausage.

I just woke up from a nap and I was so hungry for something good to eat, that I ate 7 slices off the Überhund's farmer's sausage meat and it tasted delicious. Now, this is coming from a vegetarian of all people, mind you. I never thought I would say those words, but it was simply delicious.

Maybe, just maybe, I miss eating meat after all. I am going to have to give this a long hard think and see if there is room in my diet for maybe something like chicken or beef, but not pork, no, no, because I don't like the way pigs are raised and transported. And it would have to be lunch meat, because I can't eat regular meat, it is too chunky for my gastric band. Look, a whole other source of potential vitamins and minerals is opening up for me. I'll let you know what I decide.

Yesterday I cleaned house, so I thought that today I would take it easy. It was my intention to watch many good programs on television, but I fell asleep instead. Not that it's a bad thing, of course, but I do have to save some sleep for the nighttime. I can't think of a better way to keep me awake than writing a post.

I swept all the floors with a broom and then swept the area rug in front of the sofa very briskly with the broom also and it worked very well, because much dirt came out of it. Then I treated the Überhund for fleas and washed his bedding. I still need to tackle the cats, but I need an extra pair of hands for that, so I'll wait until the Exfactor is here again some day.

I changed the bed and did two loads of laundry and cleaned the bathroom floor on my knees. Much dog and cat hair collects there and gets stuck to the tiles. I cleaned the wash basin and the toilet and I would like to say that everything sparkles, but it is only clean. There is no sparkle like there is on the TV commercials.

I still need to dust everywhere really well, but I was not in the mood for it and will do that on another day when I am much inspired. There are also cobwebs to be gotten rid off. Those suckers seem to appear overnight, because I suddenly discover them all one day and realize how many of them there are. I have a special sort of broom to get rid of them, but I can't figure out how to get the cobwebs out of the broom. It is better to vacuum them. That's a very satisfying job, especially when you get the spider to go with it. Don't 'oh, poor spider' me.

My sister vacuums her dog and he likes it very much, but I doubt that the Überhund would allow me to do that. I have never tried it, but I have a feeling that he would become very indignant. He is not scared of the vacuum cleaner and only reluctantly moves out of the way, but still. I may give it a try some day, we'll see.

My funky cats are indoor cats all winter. They only go outside to do their thing, while there is a litter box inside that they never use. I don't mind that, of course. No schlepping around bags of cat litter. The three of them hang out inside constantly, trying to find interesting things to do. Sometimes they have the crazy 30 minutes and they all chase each other around the apartment.

The best thing is to leave empty boxes and bags sitting around, so they can crawl inside of them and scare each other half to death by suddenly jumping out of them. I have one chair with a slipcover to the ground and it's an excellent place for one cat to ambush another cat that happens to innocently walk by. The Überhund always intervenes in these skirmishes, because he thinks they are misbehaving and he tries to separate them and looks at me helplessly when it doesn't work. Sometimes Toby hits him over the head when he gets in the way too much.

I don't know what I would do without the animals. They are a constant source of amusement to me. Their presence in the apartment makes the place feel alive. I will always have pets, but never a gerbil in a cage or a canary in a bird cage. Too confining. Trapped animals make me nervous.

Well, that about does it for me. I hope you had a nice Sunday and that you didn't waste it quite the way I did, although there's something to be said for complete peace and quiet also. Very low stress, for one thing.

Ciao...

Saturday morning.

I've never seen or heard a dog sleep as happily and contentedly as the Überhund is sleeping now. He is gone from this world completely and is sprawled on his blanket under the coffee table in full length with one big ear covering his face completely. He is snoring a little bit and it makes for a nice background noise. Of course, everything the Überhund does fills me with adoration, so it doesn't take much, but he is especially adoring now.

I have that weekend feeling today, since it is Saturday, although I could have had that feeling just as well yesterday. But no, I had my evaluation yesterday, so it wasn't really a day off. I went in there feeling like spit and vinegar, but came out of there a little bit humbled, because I did not fill out the questionnaires as positively as I had anticipated, which sort of disappointed me. It was a bit of a downer.

There were ratings from 1 to 5, 1 meaning you never had that feeling and 5 meaning you always had that feeling. Of course, I wanted to have only 1's, but did not manage that and it was probably unrealistic, but it burst my balloon.

Never mind. After that, I had to ride my bike all the way to the pharmacy, straight into the stormy wind that was coming from the west and it was very hard peddling and sometimes I was almost blown into the traffic. I peddled very hard and made it there just a little bit out of breath, which goes to show you what good shape I am in, and on the way home, I had the wind in my back and I rode my bike effortlessly.

The Überhund wagged his stubby tail when I got home and thought I had brought home treats instead of medications. He always thinks that. He thinks every outing on my part ends up in me bringing home good things for him. Not to disappoint him, I gave him a bone to gnaw on and he was happy.

I bought the cats a 2 kilo bag of a different cat food the other day that was a bit cheaper than what I had been buying and they like it just fine, so for a change they aren't being finicky. It seems as long as Toby eats it, the other two will also. I don't buy the cheapest kind, because I do want them to get some sort of quality, but some of the food is very expensive and I wonder at the sense of it and if it is really worth it.

The wind that has been blowing is of the hurricane style and it whips the hair right off your head. It takes quite a bit of hairspray to keep your hairdo intact until you reach your destination. I have hurricane strength hair. It gets whipped about, but stays in place no matter what the wind does. You can imagine that no man can run his fingers through my hair, but seeing as though there is no such man in my life, it is not a problem. My hair is only to look at. It is very difficult in a country like this to have a decent hairdo, unless you have long hair or have it cut short like a boy's. It will be a horrible day when they start making bicycle helmets mandatory. All those woman with all those hairdos!

The smoking laws aren't being very successful. There is much rebellion against them and in a quarter of the cafés people are still allowed to smoke. There is a court case coming up about it that would allow small café owners to stay smoking cafés, because they are loosing their customers to the cafés that have a separate smoking section. We don't like government to dictate what is good for us and people can choose to go to a smoke free café. Most of the people who work in the cafés are smokers themselves and have to go outside for a cigarette. There are arrangements like this in Germany and Denmark and it seems to work fine. Now you have the problem of people standing outside the small cafés at night on the sidewalks with their drinks and cigarettes creating noise in the neighborhood.

My ex brother in law, the cardiologist, singlehandedly managed to get rid of the one smoking room in the hospital where patients could go and have a cigarette. He is so proud of it. Now the patients have to go outside in their bathrobes in front of the hospital if they want to smoke a cigarette. It is a big hospital and it is a long walk to the front of it and it is very exposed. I don't know what his point was. He is not going to forcibly create non smokers, but only have many poor frustrated patients who already are ill at ease. I find this a kind of fascism that really riles me.

Oh well, before I really start getting on my high horse, I better stop writing and leave these issues for someone else to discuss. The Überhund has had his breakfast and is now sound asleep again at my feet with a full belly. And I will go and make myself another mug of coffee.

Have a very good day, everyone.

Ciao...

Lazily.

How very tranquilly and lazily I start the morning. I have had 2 mugs of coffee and am about to have a mug of decaf. The Überhund has had his breakfast and is busy digesting. The cats are slightly disgusted, because they didn't get anything so good, but all is really well and it has even stopped raining for a bit. This low pressure system is coming to us by way of England, so I know what sort of weather they are having there.

I am sitting here in my red bathrobe and pajamas and I think that is a pure luxury. The blinds are still closed, but I could open them and not be embarrassed. Anyone who wants to look inside will see a woman who is quite contended, sitting behind her computer with a nice mug of coffee and a cigarette. They should all be so lucky.

Yesterday, the installation packet from the Internet provider I canceled in December arrived and I sent it back right away. It took some doing, because I had to call them first for a return address and a return number that allowed me to send it for free. I was on hold for quite some time.

Considering that I had canceled them after not having them deliver it on time, and after receiving a letter from them that they could not provide me the service I asked for, it is very ironic that the installation packet finally did arrive when I had no use for it and so very late. I think these companies don´t have their heads screwed on straight and I wonder how they even manage to do any business, except that you seem to be caught in their web once you are in their system and you need to watch out for yourself very well. Their right hand doesn´t seem to know what their left hand is doing.

Today I have an evaluation for my therapies. It consists of filling out questionnaires and having a talk with the top therapist about your status and your goals. On Monday I have another evaluation with my SPN there as well. You get evaluated every 4 months and a decision is made as to how much time you still need and if you are moving in a forward motion. The purpose is that you are, of course, and I think I am.

I don´t know. Sometimes I am so full of confidence and I am so convinced of my ability to do well. I don´t know where that courage comes from and I know it isn´t constant, but I´m happy when it is there. I feel that I can take on the world and be unbeatable and I am not intimidated by anything. I could singlehandedly slay an army of opposing forces and be right and justified in everything I do.

Okay, I need to get going now. It is well past start the morning time and some chores are waiting for me.

Have a terrific day, I am planning on having one myself.

Ciao...

uregently...

as i told you in my post last night, i am not using any capital letters because of my shift key and it also means that i type my posts in about half the time it usually takes me. please read that post to see how it all came to be and how i am and about my internet troubles.

i was awakened this morning on the early side by the überhund who had to go outside urgently, meaning that all that food he ate yesterday had gone through his digestive system, which is good, because lately what he produced hadn't amounted to much. so that was good news.

i'm happy to tell you that today i feel normal and awake and cheerful and that i am enjoying my coffee and my cigarettes as i usually do and that i do not feel down and tired and sleepy. so, whatever it was that hit me yesterday, is gone now and i am much relieved. it is possible for me to totally recall these feelings and the anxiety i felt with them, but i won't bother and just leave them behind me.

i think that a lot of the anxiety has to do with the internet troubles and if i can just get a different mindset about that, i will save myself a lot of wear and tear. i have always known that i have a low stress threshold and i must not forget that in a period like this.

the exfactor is coming over with a new keyboard this morning, so i will be able to capitalize my letters again, although i like typing this way. he is going to help me when the installation packet arrives from the new internet provider and, although i do not like being dependent on him this way, i do know that i probably can't do it on my own. it's a double sided coin, or is it a double edged sword? i'm not sure which expression is appropriate here.

well, i have been sitting here for 2o minutes now without writing anything down, just drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. that ought to tell me something, don't you think? probably that i don't have anything of interest to tell you. i am having a severe case of writer's block. i need sweet william's book about blog writing.

i'll hang up then. get myself ready to go to the store early and get the shopping done.

have a great day.

ciao...

later...

i am not going to bother capitalizing anything, because my shift key doesn't work and i can use the other little shift key, but it is a terrible bother and slows me down something awful. besides, you are still capable of reading this, so i won't worry about it too much.

i think i figured out why the überhund was asking for treats all the time. i think he was just plain hungry, because he didn't like his food and wasn't getting enough nutrition. luckily, i had bought a new bag of dog food at the store the other day. it is the same brand as he always gets, but this time the chunks were bigger and meatier, and frankly, they looked more appetizing. so i opened that bag and poured some in his dish and started to hand feed him. he decided that he liked that very much and after a while he started eating on his own, until he had eaten about half of it. i then fed him the rest of it by hand again until everything was gone and i knew he would be full.

he didn't beg for food again until this evening, so i again poured some of the chunks into his dish and hand fed him until he was full. there are just 5 chunks left in the dish now and he is very content. i think he needs to learn to eat properly, as this always has been an issue with him. he has always been very picky about his food and never really liked anything, but he seems to like these chunks and especially when i hand feed them to him. i don't mind encouraging him a little. i just want to make sure he is really full and it seems to work. this way i know he is getting some decent food into him.

i seem to be doing better this evening than i was this morning, although it has been an off day. i have felt so down and tired and it is just now that i feel some of my energy returning. i did talk to my spn over the telephone and i will be in contact again with her tomorrow to let her know how i am then. neither one of us knows exactly why this has happened, so we will chalk it up to just one of those days that will hopefully not repeat itself.

i am waiting for the installation packet from the new internet provider. it should have been here yesterday, but when i called the help desk to ask where it was, they could not tell me so specifically. if it's not here tomorrow, i'm screwed, because that is the last day of service with my old provider. my old provider withdrew money from my bank account for the month of january, but has promised to return it, and my new provider has withdrawn money from my bank account for a bill dated 22-12 that i have never seen. these kinds of things drive me crazy and it means making costly phone calls and being put on hold endlessly.

aaarrrggghhh...

there, that feels better. it's not like i'm frustrated or anything, you know.

tomorrow morning i have to go to the grocery store early before the shopping madness starts for the new year. i only need to get a few things, but they are things i need for when the stores are closed new year's day. another holiday! enough of them already.

well, i am going to watch some tv now and then go to bed early. i'll try to make it as cozy as i can for myself.

have yourself a good night.

ciao...

Awake again.

I just woke up from a nice long nap on the sofa and the Überhund thinks that this is a good opportunity to beg my attention for something good to eat in the form of a treat. I am undecided what to do now, because he hasn't done anything to deserve it and he has a bowl full of food that he is ignoring. I think I need to be very strict and ignore him until he starts to eat from his bowl of food. He sure is laying it on thick, though. You'd think I was a very cruel person for treating him so badly. I think he has been spoiled too often.

For some reason, I thought I had an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and I got myself all ready to go and just before I left I checked my agenda again and saw that the appointment was tomorrow. So there I was, all gussied up with no place to go. Instead of that, I did the dishes and cleaned my computer desk. That was somewhat gratifying too.

Luckily, I had no pressing problems on my mind that I absolutely needed to talk about and that could not wait. Since I am back on my original antipsychotic medication, I have been feeling so good, that I feel blessed every day that goes by without an incident. I feel so very lucky in knowing that I am taking the best medication there is for me and that it works so well. I will never take those little orange tablets for granted again. As if I ever did, really.

Within the next two days I am changing Internet providers, but if things don't go exactly according to plan, it is possible that I may be off line for a day or so. I hope this is not going to happen and I have been assured that it won't, but you never know. So, if I'm not here, you know where I am. In a frustrated place. I am feeling just the tiniest amount of stress about this, but I must remember not to worry about it, because it is only Internet after all, it is not a life support system, ha, ha.

Well, that's my little simple message for this evening. For the more riveting stuff, I refer you to this morning's post.

Have a good night.

Ciao...

Rather Splendid...

I just woke up from a rather splendid nap on the sofa. I think was asleep for more than 2 hours and, believe me, I needed it, because suddenly, this afternoon, my mood started going to hell in a hand basket and I could think of two things to do, either take an extra pill, which I am not supposed to do, or go to sleep, which I am when faced with the devil, so that is what I did.

I really thought I was going around the bend, but then I realized that I had gone to sleep very late the night before and that I had not exactly had my 8 hour beauty sleep and that maybe that was what the problem was. When in doubt about your state of mind, go to sleep and stay asleep long enough for the chemicals in your brain to normalize themselves again. This rapid cycling can be cut short very often by going to sleep and staying asleep for a long enough time.

I was a woken by the Überhund who thought my nap had taken long enough and who wanted some action. I let him piddle and sniff around out back and gave him a treat for being a good dog while I slept. He is a faithful guard dog and does not budge from my side. I think he spends enough boring hours with me waiting for something to happen, although he does appreciate long naps himself.

There had been one cat laying very heavily on top of me, moving up and down with each breath I took, no doubt being very comforted by that. Is it any wonder that there was an old wife's tale saying that cats sucked the breath out of babies' lungs? Cats belonged to witches and old crones, after all. I am practically an old crone myself. If you don't watch out, I will start brewing potions and teas and casting evil spells. And I have three cats.

Toby's chronic cold seems to have dissipated and he now no longer goes around sneezing and having runny eyes. It took awhile for it to pass, but he never did infect the other two cats. It never did interfere with his eating habits, although for a while he was very thirsty all the time. I made sure there was fresh water and milk, but things seem back to normal now. The cats don't like to drink water that has been standing for a while and I constantly have to replenish their dish with fresh water. Finicky is their middle name and drinking from a running faucet is their favorite activity.

You see I've changed the colors of my blog. I was infected by Jill of all Trades, who changed the look of her blog and it made me long for some changes myself. I would have done more, but that would have been too drastic for all of you and I'll save that for a day when I am really hypomanic and I don't know what to do with myself. You see, I do care about you when I am in my right mind.

It's been one heck of a lazy Sunday and tomorrow I don't have creative therapy neither do I have ergo therapy on Wednesday. I don't like it very much and am kidn of at a loss of what to do with myself. These diversions sneak in and give you something to look forward to and when they don't happen you have to find a way to amuse yourself and it can be tough, especially when the weather is too cold to find your solace outside. Taking the Überhund for an extra long walk is not an option, nor is spending any money at the moment. I am too dull to think of anything else.

It is just very possible that the ordinary me, without being the least bit hypomanic, is in fact a very dull person who can't get off her butt and think of very interesting things to do that don't require the input of any money.

Oh well, I think it is time that I fix myself something to eat and get into my comfortable pajamas. My so called lounge wear. If I am lucky, there will be something of interest on the television. I better check the online TV guide, though.

Hope you have a pleasant evening and that you manage to stay out of trouble. If not, tell me about it in the greatest detail.

Ciao...

Towards the end of the day...

I just talked to my older sister. We talk on the phone a lot. We give each other lots of courage, each when we need it, sometimes one more than the other, lately she more than me, but that is okay, I gladly give her all the courage I can spare at this time of the year. It's almost been a year since her husband died and it is tough for her to live through the holidays now and keep the business running in the present economic climate, so she calls me and we talk and hopefully it helps. I am glad she finds her trust in me and her peace of mind. She's a tough broad who needs a listening ear.

It's been a good day. It's been a cold day. Every time I took the Überhund out I shivered in the cold wind and, of course, he had to dawdle and sniff at interesting spots for a long time. He's not done until he's made his mark on them and even then he'll go back and double check.

I went grocery shopping int he morning and I was cold on my bike riding into the wind and my empty shopping bag was waving like a flag on a steamship. I bought enough food for the next couple of days, until it is New Years and I will have to make sure I have supplies to last for those days off. I bought Napoleons to have with our coffee for when the Exfactor came over, because I figured I wanted to make it a bit festive since I had not seen him in a while.

He came over at about 1:30 PM and the Überhund was beside himself to see him, he wagged his whole rear end and squealed like a puppy. He has not forgotten who his first alpha male was, even though that is I right now. He acts like a little spoiled pup when the Exfactor is around as if he never gets any attention otherwise and is starved for treats and petting and all sorts of contact. I have to call him to order an tell him to calm down and behave and settle down.

The Exfactor actually stayed for an hour and a half and we had a good visit and chatted up a storm. Both of us were very relaxed and could enjoy each other's company. I think the fact that we both survived Christmas as well as we did was a big reason for that. Neither one of us had felt the urge to check on the other person's wellbeing during this time, assuming that all was well and if it wasn't we would hear about it.

After the Exfactor left, I caught the bus downtown and went to the optometrist and picked out a different pair of glasses, which, because of the warranty that I had, only cost me a tiny bit of money, even though they were more expensive then my original glasses, which was good, because I thought I had to pay the full price and I was very relieved. Because of the strength of the one lens, the new glasses won't be ready for a week, so I have to be patient, but I think I can manage that. With some of the money I saved, I bought some clothes at my super discount store for which I had a certificate for 25% off and I managed to buy two nice items for 21 euros.

Feeling very satisfied, I fought my way through the crowd to the bus stop and waited for my bus. There was now way I was staying downtown, because it was teeming with people shopping and tourists and you had to walk very patiently between the hordes of people to get from one place to another and then try and get into the entry of the store you wanted to get into. The cafés were full and there were no empty tables and I was hungry so I went home, where I had the big chocolate candy bar with orange filling that the Exfactor had brought me. It was very delicious.

This means that so far I have only had junk food to eat today and I am planning on having a bowl of muesli shortly to get some halfway decent food into me. It's all very wonderful to eat chocolate and whipped cream and it does wonders for my mood, but it is not very sustainable and I need something substantial.

There were more Christmas cards in the mail today, making me very cheerful and one was from my old boss whose secretary I was 36 years ago and we have kept in touch all these years. He had moved and gotten a new phone number, so I called him right away and he asked me when I was coming to visit my home town, where my older sister also lives, so I could visit him. I am going to have to make some sort of arrangement with the Exfactor about him taking care of the animals while I go up North for a few days. I haven't seen my older sister in a while either, so it is time.

Now I'm sitting here quite hyper from all the chocolate and in need of slowing down. I think the best thing I can do is put on my pajamas and get into the semi sleep mode, after I have had my bowl of muesli. Something sleep inducing is bound to be on TV. The Überhund wants something from me, but I can't figure out what it is. Maybe he just wants attention.

Well, that was my happy and fulfilled day. I hope yours was equally so. Oh, yes, I did clean the bathroom, I almost forgot to mention that.

Have a good night.

Ciao...

Again...

I managed to sleep until 7:30 AM again and I just finished my first mug of coffee. I woke up at 3 AM with the silly idea that I had to get up, but luckily I had enough good sense to go back to bed after I realized that I was drunk with sleep. I laid me down in bed and was departed to dreamland in the shortest amount of time, I think half a minute. Such a silly woman am I, to want to get up in the middle of the night to turn on the computer and read blogs.

It's a compulsion to want to be up in the coziest hours of the very early morning hours when nobody else is awake and to be active then. But it is a silly one, because I screw up my sleeping schedule and I have promised my SPN to try and do something about it. So, I am trying very hard to sleep through the night and to ignore the desire to get up when it is far to early to.

Sometimes I am wide awake, though, and there isn't an ounce of sleep left in me and I have to get up, because staying in bed is senseless. I think that has to do with having a mild case of anxiety about what is going on in my daytime life, such as anticipating Christmas on my own. Now that it is behind me, I can sleep much better again.

The cats dragged home a big bone of something and the Überhund has laid claim to it. He has placed it on his blanket and guards it very protectively. Woe is the cat who tries to get near it. This makes things very easy for me, because now he is so busy protecting that bone, that he forgets to be bored and ask for treats. It makes me think that I ought to ask the butcher for bones, or maybe buy soup bones that have a little bit of meat on them.

Yesterday I got off my lazy butt and vacuumed all the rooms and vacuumed the furniture too. This was after I changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner which was dead full of dog and cat hair. It sure made a difference in suction power. I have to change it more often than I think I do and I can notice it by the results of my attempts at getting the sofa hair free. When those are futile, it is time for a new bag.

Today I have to tackle the bathroom, another one of my favorite jobs. At least the dirt is all mine, except for the paw prints in the wash basin, where Toby likes to hang out. He thinks the shape is perfect to curl up in and have a nap. He doesn't mind that the faucet drips a little bit and hits him right on the head. He is also oblivious of the rain and comes in soaking wet.

Now there is only one holiday left to get through and that is New Year's. It wouldn't be so bad if the whole town didn't set off fireworks at midnight and make it sound as if WWIII had broken out. There is no way to go to bed early and sleep through that.

It's minus 4 degrees Celsius outside. Cold enough to stay inside, but The Überhund still needs to be walked, although right now he is sound asleep on his blanket. If I don't make a move, he'll stay asleep, but I have to get some more coffee.

For now, life is back to normal. I'll be able to go to the grocery store today and buy milk and muesli and dog food and tobacco and filter tubes. Hurray! First I must go and check my banking account and see how rich I am toady.

Have a great day, everyone.

Ciao...

I'm late...

I can't believe I've slept until 7:30 AM. What is the world coming to? I woke up during the middle of the night coughing and trying to catch my breath. I think I was not breathing and that my sleep apnea was acting up, because I was sleeping on my back. I got up until I was breathing normally again and then went back to sleep on my side. That happens every once in a while, but I had not put two and two together.

Now I have had my first mug of coffee and I'm about to have my second. I took my medication as soon as I got up, because I did not want to wait for it to do its job until later. I notice that the antipsychotic works about 30 minutes after I take it and I get a great sense of well being and whatever stress I feel disappears. It is a melting tablet that I put on my tongue so it works very quickly.

Today is Second Christmas Day here, so it is still a holiday and everything is still closed. We always have that second day added to a holiday. I don't know why that is. The cafés will be open though, otherwise the tourists would be bored to death, but the stores are closed. Just when you want to get some good shopping done. Well, not I, but the public in general.

Yesterday morning my sister and I had espressos and pastries of which I could eat half and even then I got in trouble and ate too much and had to make an emergency trip to the bathroom. But it tasted good going down. My sister planned on cleaning house the rest of the day, because her cleaning lady would not show up, of course, and my sister had to work so much this week. What a way to spend Christmas, huh?

I spent the day doing nothing that required any effort. I watched the Queens Christmas speech, that she writes herself, and it amazes me what she thinks are the important issues that are alive in our society right now, because I could have thought of a whole bunch of different things to address the nation's people about, making me think she is not quite in touch with the reality of the situation. I think she is too far removed from the lives of the ordinary people and what we worry about. There was not a peep about the economic crisis and the havoc it is creating everywhere. Some solidarity would have been in place there. It makes you question the value of having a queen who is supposed to be the mother of the people. I think we may just as well have a republic.

I got a gift certificate from my sister to spend on books and I ordered two of them. The Curious Incident of the Dog at Midnight and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. It will take about 4 days for them to get here, but it will be something new to read. At the moment I am reading James Baldwin, If Beale Street Could Talk, but it is a little dated and I am reading it in a Dutch translation which takes away from the rich language that is being used by the black people of the book and that I can imagine as I read it.

I just made myself my third mug of coffee, decaf this time, and it sure tastes good. I love these first hours of the day behind the computer, when the Überhund has piddled out back and he is not yet in a hurry to be walked. It is freezing outside, as was predicted, and I will have to dress warmly. I told you that there has been talk bout skating on natural ice in about a week. Brrr...

Well, I am postponing the inevitable and that is getting dressed and taking the Überhund out in the cold. I won't close this post yet, but be back in a jiffy...

There is a cold wind blowing from the east, although the sun is shining. But the sunshine has no warmth, unless you happen to find shelter from the cold wind. It's not the kind of day to go outside for your pleasure, unless you are a die hard and have very specific Nordic clothes. I suppose it would be nice to walk in the woods where you are sheltered from the wind, but out in the open it's no fun. If you look outside through your windows, you'd be fooled into thinking that it's a nice sunny day outside. If the wind comes from the east in the wintertime, it's always cold, because it comes from Russia, with love.

I am finding shelter inside the apartment today. I'll go out to walk the Überhund, but that is it. The other problem is, that you get an extremely snotty nose when you are out in the cold and you have to have Kleenexes in every pocket of every jacket you are likely to wear.

It always amazes me that the Überhund doesn't seem to be the least bothered by the cold. I always expect him to shiver, but he never does. It's all the same to him, the only thing that bothers him is the heat and he pants too much.

Well, even though it is still a holiday, I have postponed housework to do. I can't get around it, not even if I squint my eyes and look at it that way. It must be done. First, however, there is breakfast. Oh yum, hot porridge in a big bowl. It's high time that the New Year comes along, so I can make some resolutions. My hips are expanding.

Have a lovely day, all of you. I'll be by to read your blogs shortly.

Ciao...

Another Bright Day.

I have been up for a while, but at first couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting the show on the road properly, until I realized that I was drinking decaf coffee. Now, you can't tell me that that doesn't make a difference. So I very hastily made a mug of regular coffee and drank that and now I am functioning the way I should. Boy, I was worried there for a while. I thought, "Now what, what in the world is wrong with me?" As if I hadn't had enough to worry about.

Now I am sitting here quite contentedly enjoying the quiet hours of the early morning and all is well with the world. The Überhund tried to talk me into giving him many treats, but I ignored him completely and finally told him him a firm No when he wouldn't let up and now he is sleeping on his blanket, no doubt feeling very neglected and misunderstood.
Sometimes he behaves like a spoiled child, but I suppose I can only blame myself for that, because I can be such a push over and he can be very persistent.

I had ordered some boots on line the other day and they arrived yesterday. I got them on sale and paid for them with the money that my older sister sent me for Christmas. They are very nice and I am very happy with them. They are half length boots and have one strap across the instep. They are dressy enough to wear with skirts and dresses, so I can wear them all the time. I will probably wear them out this winter, as I seem to wear out all of my shoes and boots in one season. It has something to do with my uneven hips and the uneven length of my legs.

Anyway, it's nice to have new boots to wear and I like these especially, because they hardly have any heels and are very comfortable to walk in.

On Monday I managed to find more Christmas cards and sent another bunch on their way. I went to a drugstore and they had all of their cards on sale already. Then I went to the textiles store in the hope of finding something at a very good bargain, but there was nothing I would have liked to wear at any price. It pays to go in there every once in a while, because you never know what you may find there, but you have to be careful to not buy something that looks cheap, even though it is, if you get my drift.

There was a long line at the little post office in the grocery store and I waited patiently to buy my stamps. Everyone in line seemed resigned to the fact that they had to be patient and wait. There was no grumbling anyway. I wonder how that one postal worker doesn't get overwrought when faced with such a long line of people. It's good to see that so many people still send Christmas cards, though.

This morning I have ergo therapy and I am looking forward to it, given that my present mood persists. After this, there will not be any therapy until January the 2nd. I don't know how tough that is going to be yet, but I'll make the best of it and a lot depends on my state of mind. My state of mind depends on how well my medication works and and I'll know in a few days how that works out.

I do know that right now I feel very good and could just about tackle anything. Nothing seems daunting to me now and I feel pretty fearless. I do want to write that down especially in case I want to look back at that later in the day. You can all be witness to the fact that I stated this.

Now I am going to hang up and see what other sort of trouble I can get into at this hour of the day. There probably isn't that much I can do, but then there is always early morning TV. Oh yes. I get BBC Prime, not BBC 1 and 2, I think that's a darn shame, unless someone tells me that BBC Prime is good. Then I promise to pay better attention.

Okay, that's it.

Ciao...

One of those nights again.

I woke up at 3 AM, wide awake and not one bit of sleep left in my body. I stayed in bed until 3:30 to make sure I was really awake, because there were two cats sound asleep on top of me, but I didn't fall back asleep and decided to get up, much as I hated to disturb the snoozing cats.

While I was putting on my bathrobe, the Überhund woke up and decided he wanted to go out for a piddle, so I let him out back and gave him a treat when he came back in for being a good boy. He is now sound asleep on his blanket under the coffee table and I think I will not see him awake again for some time. He does like his nighttime rest.

It is very cozy here all by myself with the animals asleep. I feel like these moments could go on forever. I treasure them very much. It is because I fall asleep on the sofa after dinner that I wake up in the middle of the night. I try to fight that by finding an interesting program on TV to watch, but so very often there is nothing on that really grabs my attention.

Yesterday was a very decent day. My mood didn't tumble all over itself and I was pretty steady. Rather than vacuum, I swept the whole apartment and had little piles of dog hair and grit all over the place. That did make the job very satisfying, but I still have to get out the vacuum cleaner to do the furniture. Sweeping however is so much better than dragging the noisy vacuum cleaner around, I do dislike that intensely. It is the noise that bothers me so. There are periods in my life when I just can't cope with that.

I even had a period in my life some years ago when I couldn't cope with any kind of noise and I wanted the TV and the radio off and for there to be complete silence in the apartment. I realize now that this must have been hard for the Exfactor, who could only read or do other very silent things, but I didn't stop and think about it then. I guess I was like a tightly wound string that would break if there was too much input.

Anyway, I'm happy to report that I made it to the grocery store where I bought 12 liters of milk and delicious muesli with apple and raisins. The milk came in big cartons, that's why I was able to buy so much of it. The muesli is good for me to eat as opposed to the porridge, because it fills me up quicker, so I eat less of it and eating less is always better when you are like me and you enjoy your food too much. The porridge slides by my gastric band too easily and makes it too easy for me to eat too much of it, so I didn't buy any of that.

The Überhund is always full of curiosity when I come home from the store and pushes his nose into the bag to see if I got anything for him. I very rarely disappoint him, because there usually is a snack for him and he knows it. The cats are equally curious and at least one of them climbs into the bag while I am emptying it, getting caught in the strap and not being able to figure out why they can't get out.

I was unable to buy more Christmas cards as they were all sold out, so today I must hunt for them. I am trying to think of the most obvious stores close by that sell Christmas cards so I won't have to go all the way downtown. Of course, there is nothing wrong with going downtown, but I only see the sense in that if I also get to shop for myself and since I am on a self imposed non shopping policy, I won't tempt myself by going there. I have taken a good look in my closet and I can't find a good enough reason to buy any more clothes. Can you believe I said that?

The Exfactor came by in the early afternoon. It is now a standard procedure that he comes by at least once a week and has a cup of coffee with me. I look forward to his visits and we chat about the little things that happen in our lives and then he leaves again. It's like he is a good acquaintance. I have no specific feelings for him at this time. I don't feel strongly one way or the other, but that may be because I choose not to. Given enough time, whatever I once felt, will fade out and merely become a memory and something to look back on.

I do notice that he very much lives in his own world and is preoccupied with the things that concern him and those are what dominate the conversation. I don't actually know how much of what I tell him penetrates his thick skull. As a result, I don't tell him very much. I mostly listen. I do think he comes to check and see if I'm not completely off my rocker, but that is as far as his interest goes. I don't think he is all that involved.

My sister and I took the dogs for a long walk and I get the feeling that my function in this life is to be a sounding board for people who have a lot going on in their lives. It has always been that way, because I have the tendency to be the quiet listening type who seems non judgmental and apparently that makes people feel comfortable. My sister always has a lot to unload and I am always amazed at her ability to keep her life on track. So, I listen and make the odd comment here and there. I try to not become involved emotionally, because I could really let things get to me and I don't want that. So, when we are done with our walk, I put everything out of my mind. My sister is getting enough help. She doesn't need me as her therapist.

Oh, I just realized that today is Saturday. Where am I with my mind? Well, hurray! The weekends keep being special and I always feel like I am having mini vacations. Imagine how I would feel if I had a job. I suppose that I subconsciously feel enough stress during the week that I feel an unloading of it during the weekends. Well we all know that my stress threshold is very low. I may look like a very brave woman on the outside, but I am an easily scared human being on the inside.

I was not going to decorate at all for Christmas, but I have some branches with little twinkle lights on them and I think I will stick those in a vase and put them somewhere in the living room. I can make it festive a little bit. I have gotten eleven cards so far and the mail brings new ones every day. I am happy with every one of them and next year I will send out even more.

So, my mission for today is to find Christmas cards and to vacuum the furniture. That doesn't seem too complicated. It's good to have these things clear in your head, lest you start running around like a chicken without one.

Well, my dear people. I wish all of you a very good Saturday and lots of very good weather. It's going to be drizzly here and not very cold, as opposed to, I'm freezing my buns off.

Ciao...

Once again...

Once again I am sitting here in the middle of the night all bright eyed and bushy tailed and very much wide awake and have been for about an hour. You could say that my whole sleep schedule is turned upside down and I really don't mind it so much, except that yesterday it made me miss my ergo therapy class, because I found myself having to go back to sleep an hour before it was time to leave.

So, I sleep in the morning, am awake all afternoon, fall sleep after dinner on the sofa, drag myself to bed at around 11 o'clock and then wake up in the middle of the night. It certainly is an interesting schedule. Today I must make it to my new creative therapy class, because it would look very bad if I didn't show up.

Now partly this schedule I am on has to do with my sleep pattern, but some of it has to do with my mood, which seems to be fluctuating up and down and sometimes I feel very good, as if I can take on the world, and then I get rather low and I feel like avoiding everything. It is a little bit like rapid cycling without the extreme hard edges. I know that if I feel low, sleeping gets me over that, so I sleep.

Anyway, yesterday started off as a frustrating day once I got up, because I saw all this housework that needed to get done, without having any of the motivation or mental energy to do anything about it. I just felt defeated by it. I sat on the sofa and drank many mugs of decaf and smoked my cigarettes and thought about the vacuum cleaner, but that is as far as I got. I did the dishes and a load of laundry. I felt like I was in a slump and I couldn't see my way out of it.

So, I decided not to fight the thing and to just let it be and not worry about it and to not beat myself about the head for it. It is that time of year and I will get over it. I also knew that I had to get some groceries and I didn't even feel like doing that and was considering drinking my coffee black and liking it that way. Anything seemed better than going to the grocery store for some reason.

However, I did have to go out that afternoon, because I had to pick up my new glasses at Specsavers and I called them and they told me that they would be ready at 3 o'clock. So, at 2:30 I walked over to the bus stop in the drizzling rain and caught the bus downtown. I do so like sitting in the bus and watching the people get on and off and I always try to imagine what they are all about. When the weather is bad, the bus is always crowded and there is a lot of people watching to be done.

I got to Specsavers right at 3 o'clock and had to wait for a little bit while a final adjustment was made to my glasses. Another chance to people watch.

Then it was my turn and I put on the new glasses to see if they fit properly and I said, "Oh my God, what a difference!" Everything was so sharp and bright. The man who helped me, made some small adjustments so they fit really well and out of the store I walked into a new world. It was an eye opening experience, excuse the pun. I have never seen the world that bright and clear before. It truly is amazing.

So the first thing I did, was stop by my sister's work to show her my new glasses and she liked them very much and she is very blunt, so she would have told me if she hadn't liked them. She sent me an email later in the evening telling me how much she liked them, so that is good.

It was busy downtown despite the drizzling weather and I decided to walk to the grocery store and do some of the most necessary shopping there. It is very handy to have the grocery store downtown, but you must have one there for all the people who live there. I also bought tobacco and filter tubes there and carried my heavy bag to the bus stop on the market square, where I could take a number of buses, but I waited for the one that would take me closest to my apartment, having to haul the groceries with me.

The Überhund was his usual beside himself when I got home. he is just so happy when I get there. It is a joy to see. The cats show their own minimal interest, they are too cool to get all excited. The first thing I did was have a mug of decaf with a good shot of milk in it. That certainly tasted good.

Then I opened my mail and in the mail was an end of year accounting from the energy company telling me that I was getting back 123 Euros. You can understand how happy that made me, because all along I have been so conscientious about using gas and electricity, but I do turn the heater on when it gets cold and I do have enough lights on for coziness. I was afraid that I had not been paying enough, so it came as a real pleasant surprise.

There was also a letter from Social Services telling me that I am getting an extra 50 Euros this month. And there were 3 Christmas cards, so all in all that was very good mail. I would like to have mail like that every day.

When I first put on my glasses, my right eye, which is my worst eye, had to adjust a bit and I was very much aware of the fact that I was wearing glasses. But as the day wore on, my eye got used to the correction of the glasses and when I took them off at night, I realized what a difference they made. I can wear them behind the computer, but for reading a book I still need reading glasses. I have a pair that I could never wear behind the computer, but that I use for reading in bed, as they are a 2,5 strength. I also need those when I look things up in the phone book.

Now I must figure out a good way to wear my hair, as I am not happy with the way I have it now. It is very flat and dull and does not at all fit my image, so in a little while I am going to mess with it. I must have interesting hair. For the same reason, I must find something interesting to wear, I mustn't be a dull woman. I have to jazz up my image.

So, with those famous last words I leave you and I am going to look in my closet and see what jumps out at me. There are probably things in there that I have forgotten about and that must see daylight again.

Have a terrific day. Hope all your days are as bright and sharp as mine are now.

Ciao...

Tuesday Morning.

Yesterday morning at 8 o'clock, I was sitting on the sofa, watching the teletext news and waiting for it to be time to leave for my creative class, and a terrible tiredness fell over me and I started to fall asleep and I realized that more than anything I wanted to go back to bed and sleep some more, so that is what I did. I slept for another 3 hours and when I woke up I felt ever so much better.

I could tell that I needed to sleep some more, because I was starting to feel a little bit defeated and that is always a sign that I better go back to bed and not do anything else. If I don't get sleep when I need it, it affects my mood so much and that is one thing I don't want to happen. It did mean that I missed my creative class, but I figured that sleeping was more important at that time. I was right about that, because the rest of the day went smoothly.

The only thing I am having a problem with right now is doing the household. I am being very lax in it and I am leaving some jobs undone and just can't find the motivation to do them. I keep postponing jobs and promising myself that I will do them tomorrow and then I still don't do them. I suppose I don't care enough if they get done or not, otherwise I would put some effort into getting them done. I am so not a typical Dutch housewife.

I did do groceries yesterday and I am eking out the money that I have left until the 20th when I will get my welfare payment again. It's a challenge to go to the grocery store and buy what is absolutely necessary and not spend a penny more. There is a sport in that and I am not complaining, because I'm still better off than other people who have nothing. I count my blessings every day and I did have the added expense of the new glasses, which are not covered by my health insurance, believe it or not.

I do like a challenge when one comes my way and I can be a penny pincher just as well as the next guy and, even though I like to buy pretty things, I can withstand the allurement and close my eyes to them and walk away from something very attractive, even when it is a very good deal. I'm lucky in that I've found some shops where I can get decent clothes and accessories for a good price, because I certainly don't need to shop in the expensive clothing stores which abound here and which the town is famous for.

So far I have gotten 4 Christmas cards and yesterday I sent out 5 more and I think I need to buy another box of cards and some more stamps, because cards are coming in from people that I had forgotten. So, you see that despite myself, I am getting in some sort of Christmas mood anyway. I do enjoy sending the cards and receiving them, especially when people have gotten my surname right. That's a real big one! Some of the cards are very pretty and I enjoy looking at them. I am not at all a Christian and the purpose of the season is lost to me, but I appreciate the little rituals that come with it.

Today I get to see my SPN and I am so happy that I see her once a week, because she is one of the steady things in my week that I always look forward to. I feel very grounded when I have been there. We have tried to make our appointments every two or three weeks, but it has always been necessary to go back to once a week. I suppose it is not possible yet for me to do without her for a greater length of time. I have an enormous amount of trust in her and I like discussing my thoughts and actions with her. She always gives me good feedback.

I also have to go to the Obesitas Nurse Specialist to get weighed and discuss if my gastric band is going to be filled some more. I have to go to the hospital for this appointment and it is late in the afternoon, so it will be dark when I get home. I very often take the bus, but today I am going to ride my bike over. It's really not that far, but I always like the luxury of riding in the bus, which delivers me right in front of the hospital. Now that I write this down, I may change my mind and take the bus anyway, so I won't have to ride my bike in the dark.

The cats surprised me. I bought a box of cheaper cat food yesterday and I honestly thought they might not like it very much, but they are eating as heartily as the more expensive one. I don't understand this, because they are usually so finicky. I suppose if they get hungry enough, they'll eat what's being served. The Überhund is being finicky and I have to take away his bowl of food regularly, because it is just sitting there. I have two kinds of dog food, but I don't know what he wants anymore. Today I am going to serve some of one of them with some broth and see if he likes it that way. I have a huge bag of it and I hope he will like it. What he wants, is to live on treats.

I was going to show you my collages, but the photographs I took this morning didn't turn out well. I took them with and without flash, but I'm not happy with them, so I want to redo those in daylight. So I owe you those.

Well, that's it for this morning. I hope you all have a great day. It's foggy and 2 degrees Celsius here. What I wouldn't do for a bit of sunshine.

Ciao...