Forgetfulness...

I'm glad it is the weekend and I can leave this awfully strange week behind me and have two very ordinary days. The reason I say it's been an awfully strange week, is because it feels as though it's been filled with out of the ordinary events and that it actually contained more than the ordinary amount of days. The days went by quickly enough but there seemed to be so many of them, making it look like a long week. Looking back on it now, it seems like a very odd time.

I'm more than ready for things to return to normal and for me to find my natural niche again, albeit in a somewhat modefied form. I do take my experiences and the lessons I learned from them with me, but I can't put my old self overboard and conjur up a whole new person. I think I was trying too hard to do that. I was forcing a metamorphosis on myself that was too far removed from my original self and it became painful. I can't chuck myself out with yesterday's rubbish.

To thine own self be true. 

I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk in my comfortable, warm bathrobe, but in my mind I'm already going back to bed. I think I'm ready to go to sleep so I can start the weekend properly in the morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up the patter...

Today felt like a weekend day because that's how relaxed it was. I must be getting really good at enjoying the weekdays when I have no commitments. When there's nothing on the agenda but ordinary chores, I don't feel any sort of pressure at all and I'm the most relaxed person on the block. 

I hardly know what happened to the day, it sort of slipped through my fingers without me noticing it too much. Before I knew it, it was over and I didn't really have much to show for it. I was left with a pleasant enough feeling and I don't feel like I've wasted my time. Any day I end feeling satisfied can't be a wasted day.

That doesn't mean that I don't want any commitments because I do. I do want more activities to fill my days and I am in the process of arranging that now. My days are too empty and do have trouble filling them. I have too much spare time on my hands. I need to be more busy and be exposed to other people. I'm fully aware of that.

With the dose of optimism that I have now, I have no doubt that a lot of things are going to change over the year. I've had a good attitude change to start the year of with and I hope I can hang on to it. I try to reinforce it every day and learn something new as I go along. You're never too old to learn new lessons. I've had some real eye openers lately and even had one today that was a real Eureka moment. 

Sometimes it seems that I go through rapid learning cycles and I process a lot of new information in a relatively short amount of time. It's when my mind seems to be able to make and see connections that it didn't before and come to all sorts of logical conclusions. It's possible that I have an alertness then that's maybe not present at other times. I guess the trick is to be alert more often. 

I suppose I need to create those conditions in which I am most alert and sharp minded. One of those ways is to be exposed to other people and other ideas. I do need to be stimulated in my thought processes and to be challenged out of my comfort zone. I may be too complacent where I am and learn nothing new. Being in a different environment can be enough of a stimulus to get my interest going. 

That doesn't mean that I have to indiscriminately accept every idea I'm exposed to. I do have to pick and choose what I find acceptable. Sorting through all the incoming information will be enough of a lesson on its own.

This was my little share of wisdom for tonight. 

Ciao

Nora

Monday morning and ready to go...

It's early in the morning and I suppose you could say that I've had enough sleep. I sort of slept through the night in my own peculiar way. It wasn't quite as perfect as I would have liked it to be, but it came close. I'm more than wide awake now anyway and I've had my first cup of coffee. No doubt that helped me get in this cheerful state. 

It's Monday and I'm ready to start the week. I've had a fairly decent weekend, but I'm glad it's over. I'm always more than ready for the weekend to start, but I'm also always more than ready for Monday to come around. I guess that's not half bad because it means I look forward to both and enjoy the weekend as well as the weekdays. That's been different in the past when I preferred one over the other. 

I had an unexpected outing yesterday when I went to Ikea with my sister and her friend. It was fun to walk around there, but I didn't have much time to dawdle as they were there for a specific reason. We went through the store rather quicker than I would have liked. Still, I got to hang out in the kitchen department for a while and pick out a few things that I needed. 

After we had paid for our purchases, I had a milkshake and it was delicious. I had not had a milkshake in I don't know how many years and suddenly I craved one. I didn't know how my stomach was going to react to it, but it turned out not to be a problem at all. Now I've got milkshakes on my mind and would love to have another one. It's a good thing that this is not possible because I would gain much weight consuming them. 

The weather was atrocious. There was rain and a cold wind and I said to my sister, "Why did our ancestors have to settle in this country anyway?" She took me quite literally and started to explain why. This was when we were exposed to the elements on the upper deck of the parking garage. Not the best timing for it, of course. 

My sister bickers with her friend quite a bit and tries to impose her will on him a lot. Unless he keeps accepting this, I don't see how their relationship is going to have a long and healthy life. It gets on my nerves a lot and I find it hard to be around. I don't think I will be making outings with them like that again.  If I do, I'm going to have to say something about it. I may do that anyway.

I mustn't let that spoil my mood. I'm just finishing my second cup of coffee and I'm about to have a glass of mild orange juice. That will be a real thirst quencher. I have to take my medicines and get dressed and get this place cleaned up. I've got just a few chores to do. 

I've just started yawning and now I'm worried that I'm still sleepy. I don't want to go back to bed because I've got too much to do before the first person shows up. I'll probably end up making more coffee and try to last that way. It's one way to get through the morning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Moving in ever smaller circles...

For some reason I'm totally indifferent to the fact that today is Friday. Really, any day of the week would be alright with me. I have no preference right now. All the days of the week seem to go by smoothly and one day is not actually that much different than the other. 

Today will have its own interesting elements, but none of these will be earth shattering or mind blowing. My life never does take drastic turns like that and I guess I prefer it that way. I certainly don't want too much excitement. A little bit of that would be more than enough. 

I suppose I would like a few highlights besides taking the dog for brisk walks in the cold autumn air. Those in themselves are a pleasure, of course. The weather is perfect right now and it is a joy to be outside warmly dressed. There's enough sunshine to make me cheerful and the dog gallivants around happily too.

I guess I would like a trip downtown with my sister to pick up my glasses, but the optician hasn't called to tell me they're ready to be picked up yet. I will have to wait patiently. I would also like a visit to the hairdresser, but my next appointment isn't until two weeks from now, so that's something I can't look forward to right now. That's something for later.

The Exfactor and the domestic help are going to be here today, so that's going to put some restrictions on my movements. They will both be here for good causes, so I shouldn't complain about it. And I wasn't about to. I guess the nice thing about Friday is that some necessary things do get done and that gets me ready for the weekend. 

I'm starting to yawn and I'll have to go back to bed. First I'll take my medicines because it's almost morning. I like for them to already work when I get up again. It makes the waking up process easier. I also don't have to worry about what time I get up. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting back to normal...

It was with some relief that I got up a while ago and realized it was Sunday and not a weekday like I initially thought. I'm more than ready to have another day off. I'm not nearly ready for the week to start and I still need to change the sheets on the bed. 

I feel that I wasted Friday and Saturday being sick to my stomach and I really want to enjoy today being not so. I had a rice dish to eat last night and it agreed with me amazingly well. This gives me hope for future foods. I may be able to start eating more normal soon. 

Next Tuesday, when the Exfactor goes grocery shopping, I will put some innocuous food items on the list and hope for the best. With a little bit of luck, they will be things that agree with me well. I'm thinking of rice and pastas and puddings.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and it's not putting my stomach in an uproar. I've got no heartburn anyway. And the caffeine is making me feel good, so what more could I ask for? But I can only have one cup of coffee. A second one would be pushing my luck. 

Getting off the caffeine is not such a bad thing. I was too dependent on it to get myself started and now I have to do more of it on my own. I found out that I really only need the one cup and not several like I thought I did. It's great to get a caffeine kick, but it's not necessary. 

I've switched to cold milk now and even that I've got to drink carefully and slowly. I can only take small sips and not drink too much of it. I'm undecided if milk even agrees with me. I have serious doubts about it, but I like it a lot and I hope it does. I may end up having to drink plain tap water and nothing else. 

This afternoon I'm seeing my sister and we will be able to sit outside in the garden. The weather has been very nice this weekend and sunny all around. The temperatures aren't all that high, but the sun makes up for a lot if you are in a sheltered place.

I've got to go back to bed now so that I'll be able to get up at a decent time in the morning. There will be a few chores to do and a stomach to tend to. I will have to treat it kindly and give it something good to eat. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is treating you right. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's officially Saturday...

What a wonderful day for it to be. Of course, I have no real reason to think why it should be, except that it's a weekend day and I still somehow stubbornly believe that those are better than weekdays. Old beliefs die hard and this one will too. 

Nowadays my weekdays are as nice as the weekends are because I live through them with the least amount of pain. The stress has gone out of them, so they are really no big deal anymore.

A little part of me must still think that Saturday and Sunday are superior days and until I believe differently, I will enjoy them in that capacity as much as I can. I may as well get the most out of it. There's no sense in wasting a good feeling once you've got it. I don't need to talk myself out of it.

At least there will be better daytime programs on TV than there are during the week. That always cheers me up. I do need my cultural input and my sports. I can't be deprived of them. My brain needs to be fed with interesting and entertaining information. 

Right now, though, I've very much got to tell myself to live in the moment and not anticipate the day too much. I have to enjoy the moment I'm in and the fact that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes, writing this post very leisurely. I'd almost forget to do that and it's so important. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas and my bathrobe in an almost cool living room. All the windows are open at the top to keep airing out the apartment. It's chilly outside, but it never gets as cold inside. There's no wind blowing, so there's no draft to speak of.

I'm undecided if I'm going back to bed after I finish this. I may sit in the armchair and contemplate my navel. I actually feel very much awake and don't feel much like sleeping anymore. I'd like to have a garden to sit in and watch it become dawn. 

It's too bad that I don't like to read anymore because I could spend much leisurely time doing it. Now that I have the time, I don't have the inclination. I wonder if the urge to read will ever come back? I still treasure my books. To look at and for the memories. I just have no desire to read one. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting out on the right side of my bed...

Despite the relative early hour of the morning, I find myself awake now and more then willing and able to start the day. I had planned on sleeping much later than this and I'm pleasantly surprised that my brain, in all its nooks and crannies, has so few cobwebs in it and is so alert already. 

I certainly don't begrudge myself this state of mind and can only welcome it and hope it means that I will have a good Monday. Isn't that funny? Here it is the first day of the week and I'm in a terrific mood and eager to start the day. That's a totally new development. Maybe I'm entering a new stage in my life. One in which I will like weekdays. 

Ha ha, just the thought of it! That would be new and exciting. It would give my life a whole different outlook. I would love it if I could learn to like weekdays. Imagine having the whole weekend to look forward to them and then getting to enjoy them for five whole days. That would be something. It would be too good to be true. 

The dog is sound asleep on the area rug behind me. He's used to me getting up much later, so he's not ready to go for a walk. He will be mighty surprised when I take him in a little while. Some rain is predicted for this morning, so I have to go before it starts. Without meaning to rush, I end up having to anyway. I thought I had lots of time. Clouds are moving in already. 

I hope you'll all have a glorious day. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

Really, truly, madly...

It's Friday afternoon again and I pride myself on the fact that I still know which day of the week it is. Apparently I'm not so befuddled by my depression that I don't know that. I was a bit confused in the middle of the week, but those were muddled days and there wasn't much to make them stand out individually. The start and the end of the week are much easier to tell apart.

I'm not going to let myself get all excited because it's the weekend now. I've decided that it actually doesn't make one bit of difference with the rest of the week. I can act like it is the weekend in the middle of the week just as well. I have as few obligations then as I do on the weekends. 

There are the same amount of chores to do. The only difference is that on Sunday I don't get any mail and it's an official day of rest. I'll just make the middle of the week official days of rest too. That doesn't mean I won't achieve anything. It just means that I'll take the mental pressure off for myself. It will feel like I won't have to perform. 

One thing with a depression...once you've acknowledged it to yourself and the rest of the world, there's nothing you can do but wait it out. My medication has been increased and all I can do now is wait for it to start working and I have to be patient. The waiting is actually kind of boring because on top of that you can't get excited about anything. Nothing turns you on. You're just a bump on a log.

I'm lucky because once I realize that it's a depression I'm fighting, I immediately stop having all thoughts of self hatred. I have no destructive inner dialogue going on. All is silent. But it's the silence that's so boring because there's nothing. It's like I'm empty. 

I suppose it's better to be empty than have a self destructive inner dialogue. That's why I need to try and fill my time with other things. I need to keep my mind occupied for as far as that is possible. It's hard to concentrate on things in specific, but for little periods of time I am able to apply myself. The best things are taking naps, but you do get done sleeping at some point. 

I have to go and walk the dog. Surprisingly, the sun is shining. 

Ciao,

Nora

The pesky dog strikes again...

The dog has been out back three times already and still he wants to go outside again. I refuse to let him because I don't want to stand by the back door one more time and wait for him to get done with whatever he does in the dark out there. 

So I have to ignore him, even though he looks at me with pleading brown eyes that will melt your heart. I have to be tough, but it doesn't come easy. He's such a sweet little animal. I know that every move I make will give him hope. 

Needless to say, it's in the middle of the night and I've already slept my requisite hours for now. Because it's Saturday, I feel that I can be very careless and not worry about when I go back to bed and how late I will sleep this morning, but it will probably be just like any other day. 

It's just an illusion that the weekend days are different than the weekdays. It's all in my mind. I just have a sense of freedom that I actually can have during the week most of the time too, unless I have an appointment and those don't happen all that frequently. 

I must somehow gain the same sense of liberation during the week that I have on the weekends, except that I don't know yet how to do it. I always feel that the sword of Damocles hangs over me during the week and that anything at all can happen and I prepare for the worst, leaving my stomach tied up in knots a lot. 

I realize that I have to learn to relax more and to apply the techniques that I have learned in yoga more often. I do that quite a bit, but I think I forget to at some crucial moments. I think the nap that I take during the afternoon is the thing that helps me get through the day. If it weren't for that, I would carry a lot more stress with me. 

Absolutely nothing of interest at all was on TV last night, so I made it a short night and went to bed early. I very cozily laid under my warm duvet with the cover with little red roses on it and listened to the radio. The dog and the cat cavorted on the bed for a while before they settled down. 

They don't care if I'm lying in it. They just stumble right over me. I'm just an obstacle to get over that's in the way of them. They do, after a while, calm down and find their spot to lie down next to me. That's when I can go to sleep properly. 

We have nothing but cold and rainy weather to look forward to for a while. I'm not sure how I feel about this and I don't know if the weather is affecting my outlook. I don't mind that the temperatures are cool, but I think that I do miss the sunshine.

I'm looking forward to lying in bed and listening to the rain come down. To me that is the coziest sound. It is one of the pleasures of life. 

I hope you'll all have a good morning and a splendid day. 

Ciao,

Nora

There she comes...

I managed to sleep until 8 o'clock this morning. It was with amazement that I looked at the alarm clock. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I pulled it off. I am very pleased. That means I slept almost nine hours and I will not have to take a nap today. Hallelujah. I will make it through the day just like a regular person, and that is good, because today both my personal helper and my domestic help are going to be here. I will be alert and approachable and in a good mood. Not that I'm always in a bad mood, but I'm more absentminded when I'm sleepy and tired and forget to be very sociable. 

I'm having my second cup of coffee and my third cigarette. I've just taken my medicines and am waiting for them to start working. It's the regular morning routine like so many other mornings, except that I'm doing it later than usual now. Tyke is sitting on his perch on the dining table looking out the window and seems to be completely fascinated by whatever he sees out there. At least he is happy for now. That gives me time to sit here and write and wake up properly. I may be writing this, but I'm on automatic pilot still. I will function well after I've had the second cup. 

Well, the secretary of the Green Cross just called to say that my personal helper is sick, so she won't be coming this morning, which gives me a sea of time. Now I don't have to sit here and rush through this. I was a little concerned about the timing and getting this done before she got here. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and I was to take a shower when she got here and get into my clean clothes, so I suppose I will do that on my own now.

It didn't snow last night like was predicted. I suppose it didn't get quite cold enough. It did rain, but this morning the sun is shining and it's going to be 33F, which means it's going to be a nice day, because there will hardly be any wind. It will be nice to go out for a walk with Tyke. 

Because it's Friday again, I'm extra motivated to make it as pleasant a day as possible. It's the pre-weekend day, which is as good as it being the weekend. Sometimes it's hard to remember to enjoy the times that don't consist of responsibilities, although there are many moments of it during the week. I usually have just enough stress with me to not be able to relax completely until the weekend, while really I have no reason not to feel that way during the week. I really need a change of attitude, but I never realize it until it is almost weekend and I see that I have been stressing again during the week.

I look like the wild woman of Borneo. My hair is sticking up all over the place and it is strictly from sleeping on it. There's no hairspray or wax in it. If I didn't know better I'd say static electricity was the cause of it and maybe it is dry enough in the apartment to have caused it. I have had the heater on. It will probably be better once I've washed my hair. 

The mailmen are on strike because 3,100 of them are going to be laid off and be replaced by part time mail deliverers. That's what they will be called. There was no mail yesterday and there will be no mail today, so no reason to go look in the mailbox. Privatization of mail services is a large cause of it and the fact that people send less mail, doing things by email now. I don't think the tide can be turned. We are starting to live in a capitalistic society. Woe is us. 

I have to go and walk the dog. It's time to get the day started. Be at your very best, always. 

Ciao,

Nora

And all that jazz...

I'm having my second cup of coffee early on a chilly morning. I've got my bathrobe and slippers on, but I've just turned up the thermostat to get it a little bit warmer in here. I do think I deserve a little bit of comfort. My hands are cold and so is my nose, although I'm not suffering from frostbite yet. Conditions aren't quite that bad. It's only going to be cloudy today and not even rain, so we are blessed, although a little bit of sunshine would have been nice too. 

At least my feet are very warm and so is my stomach from the hot coffee. Pretty soon the rest of me will be also. It won't take too long for the apartment to heat up. That is the pleasant side effect of not living in too big a place. 

After having cut down on my tranquilizers yesterday, I managed to last on one that I took in the morning until 8 o'clock in the evening. Then I started to get stressed and anxious and I knew I would have to take another one. I didn't think that was too bad, because I had lasted all day on just that one in the morning. 

I hadn't really needed the one in the morning in combination with my other medicines and I won't take one this morning, but I will wait for the day to unfold and see when I need to take one. I'm going to try to limit it to one tranquilizer a day, but if I need to take two then I will. I'm not going to go through unnecessary stress when I don't have to. Reducing them a little at the time is fine. I can't expect to go from three of them during the day to just one all at once without any problems. I will see. 

Today my other personal helper is going to be here and so is the domestic help. That means it is Friday again and once again I find it impossible that it is. I still don't know what happens to the weekdays. They seem to speed by. Every time I turn around it is weekend and I wonder what happened to the rest of the week. 

It's not as if I have that awful many things to do during the week. It mainly seems to be a matter of trying to stay on an even keel and dealing with whatever events take place calmly. It's a good week if my mood is stable and if I can deal with the emotional things well and give them a place, like I'm doing right now with the subject I'm tackling in therapy. 

So, today will be the first day of the beginning of the weekend or it will be when everyone has been here and has gone. I will be left with a clean apartment and a sorted mind, at least I hope so. I hope my personal helper and I can put the world to rights or at least do the chores that need to be done together.

Now it's time to take my medicines and to get dressed and take Tyke for a walk. I really don't want to go out there yet, it's so nice and warm in here. I suppose that I don't want the day to start yet officially. I'd like to postpone it another hour or so. It's still dark outside and not very enticing. I suppose it's the human condition to want to be warm and cozy and in the light.

Alright, off I go. Have a great day. 

Ciao,

Nora