In charge again...

Whatever was bothering me, has stopped doing so. It has stopped making me feel stressed and anxious and left me feeling relaxed and happier. It stopped this afternoon and I've been much pleased ever since. I've celebrated that with several cups of coffee and they in turn made me feel much better too, so it was a double joyful happening. I don't feel that anything can go wrong now. 

I'm enjoying this time as much as I can and am relishing the easiness of it. Hardly anything seems complicated anymore. Things I worried about before seem so benign in nature now. I laugh at the fact that I was intimidated by them earlier. I've certainly found my courage again. I guess you have to hit the bottom a bit before you bounce back up. Luckily, I didn't hit it too hard. 

It goes to show you that you mustn't get too caught up in your temporary moods. They may only be of short nature but you can spend a lot of that time worrying about things when all you need to do is wait for the mood to change. Unfortunately, a person is never smart enough to realize that or maybe some people are very even natured and they don't go through these ups and downs so much. When attacked by stress, I do. 

It usually takes a good dose of realism to get me on the path of the straight and narrow again and that is where I am now. There aren't many bends in the road anymore. Before there were many twists and turns and the whole situation was unforeseeable. I felt I might miss a curve and get a fatal accident. Now I'm cruising along merrily and in charge again and I'm going along at the right speed. 

All this speaking in metaphores does not become me and I'll stop right now and get to reality on all fronts. 

I've just peeled an apple for the dog and he is very happily chowing down on it. Actually, he does eat it very delicately for a dog. He takes rather small bites as if he wants to make it last. He's always very disappointed when he's eaten it all and looks all over the place for bits and pieces. He eats to efficiently for there to be any.

The apartment is  clean and the dishes have been done. I'm ready for the weekend. All I have to do is change the bed and walk the dog. 

Have a good one.

Ciao,
Irene

Positively positive...

I haven't taken a nap but I'm having a cup of that delicious instant coffee instead to perk me up. I need the caffeine so I don't mind how bad it tastes. Actually, I am getting used to it so it isn't the awful experience I make it sound like. It serves the purpose and that's what counts. It is true that I can't wait for a decent cup of coffee and that I've almost forgotten what one tastes like. It will be like an angel peeing on my tongue. 

The day has gone by quickly and no doubt that was partly due to the fact that I slept late this morning. The dog was kind enough not to wake me up at all. I very leisurely had a cup of coffee in my armchair while I remembered who I was and what day it was. I didn't realize that it was Friday the 13th but it wouldn't have made any difference. I would have approached the day the same way. 

I was glad it was Friday and that the domestic help was going to be here to clean up the apartment. It's nice to enter the weekend with everything in ship shape. All I had to do was the dishes and some laundry and make the bed. Luckily it was not that cold outside so I could open the windows and let the place air out. For that reason I'm looking forward to the real springtime so I will be able to always have the windows open. 

I have headaches off and on and sometimes I take a painkiller for them. At least I know why I get them and I'm not worried about them. It's just a bit of a bother. I mostly try to relax and ignore them. I do pay attention to how I hold myself. I make sure that I'm not in a cramped up position and that I sit behind the computer straight. I also think that I need to get some new pillows for my bed. The ones I have are a little old and not so very supportive. 

I just noticed that the domestic help cleaned the French way, in other words, with a lick and a promise. I just gathered a lot of dog hair out from underneath my desk. There's a lot of dust on the baseboard too. I think people in the south don't clean as rigorously as people in the north. The furniture doesn't get vacuumed either and very seldom underneath. I'll have to check it from now on and do some of it myself. I'm still in good enough shape to do that. 

I'm making a shopping list for tomorrow and adding to it as I remember things. It's growing longer by the minute. I've written a coffeemaker on there also. I think I need to go to "Action" with the Exfactor and buy some things I need. I also need another frying pan and another pan to cook in with a glass lid on it. I will get them at very reasonable prices at that store. The only problem is the continual crowd and the long lines by the cash registers. 

It's time for me to take out the dog. It's overcast outside but at least it's dry. It hasn't rained all day. It would have been good weather to dry the laundry outside on the clothes line. Oh well...

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Rain, rain go away...

Every time I decide to take the dog for a walk, it is raining as it is now. It completely messes up our schedule and we have to wait until it's dry again. There's a cold wind blowing too and I need to wear a scarf and a jacket when we go outside. 

The cold isn't too bad if you're prepared for it. You just have to make sure you're dressed warm enough. The wind whips my hair in all directions and I have to try and fix it when we get home, but I have to fix it after I take a nap too or whenever I sleep on it. 

I'm constantly fixing my hair because it is so short and I thought I was getting a no nonsense haircut. Because it's so fine and it's such flyaway hair, it has a tendency to get stuck in the wrong place very easily. Maybe if it's a little bit longer, it won't be as bad. 

I'm wearing the scarf as a fashion accessory. It is made of cotton and not too warm to keep wearing inside. I picked it to match my clothes and it's one that I washed along with a lot of other items from the coat rack. 

I like the way it feels around my neck. It's just a little bit warmer and more comfortable than having nothing there. I still have the bedroom windows open and it has gotten cooler in the apartment. I don't want to have to close the windows and turn up the thermostat. 

I'd rather dress more warmly and in layers. I do have enough clothes to choose from. That's no problem. 

*

The dog couldn't wait any longer and I had to take him for a walk. It was drizzling and we got a bit wet, but it's a good thing that I took him when I did, because now it's really pouring. It started to come down hard right after we came in.

At least I won't have to go water my sister's garden. Everything should get a good soaking. The timing of the rainy weather was perfect in that sense. I wished for rain and got it. I didn't realize that my wishes came true. I must wish for things more often. I suppose I must make an offering to the rain gods now.

Tonight 'A Touch of Frost' will be on. I'm in the mood for a thriller and it doesn't at all have to be complicated. I want to relax in my bathrobe and have nothing to worry about for a while. Watching a thriller is the perfect way to get my mind off things.

Right, I have to eat dinner, albeit sort of late. Chicken and pasta soup it is. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

How the magic works...

I'm very comfortably and contentedly sitting here in the very early hours of the morning having my second cup of freshly made coffee. All is well with the world and that is a very far cry from how I have felt for the last several days or so. I am happy to report that the days of anxiety and depression seem to be behind me now and that I am as relaxed as a newly unfolded leaf on a tree in the springtime and that all my worries and stress have dropped off my shoulders like so many tons of bricks.

I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone yesterday and got his permission to use the tranquilizers during the day as well and this has made so much difference that I feel like a newborn person. Instead of wanting to cower under the duvet in bed, I feel that I can face things again and function like an able bodied person and perform my duties and, because I feel no anxiety, the depression is kept at bay too.

I wasn't about to let this problem I was having simmer on the back burner endlessly and I realized that I needed to take a proactive role in solving it. I thought the most obvious thing to do would be to get rid of the large amount of anxiety and the only way I knew to do that was with the use of tranquilizers, so when I took my first ones on my own and noticed the difference, I knew I was on the right track. Since then, the anxiety has not returned and I have felt good ever since.

I was able to do some jobs around the house and walk Tyke and sit down and relax and watch some television, which I had not been able to do. I even ate a decent meal, which had gone by the wayside also. I had been eating snack foods or nothing much at all. I had however been drinking copious amounts of milk and juice, so I was not totally deficient of nutrients.

I feel able to face the day now, which involves going to the post office to mail those packages and going to my first creative class. I was dreading going to the post office and I can't tell you why. It just seemed like an enormous impossible task that I was not capable of. I think I can now do it easily. I'm also not worried about going to the creative class. I will be fine. It's just a five minute ride on my bike away from here and it's not a strange place for me. The creative class is in the same space where I had my creative therapy class. The people will be different and the person leading the class will be different, but all the materials will be the same. If I get through this day alright, it will be proof to me that I can do more than I think I'm capable of.

It's not nearly dawn yet, but I think I will jump in the shower and wash my hair. I can't do a thing with it. I need to be properly dressed for my day out too. That means picking out something different than what I have been wearing lately. A new day with a new outfit. Hurray!

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Je ne sais pas...

I've posted photographs of the living room here in my last post, so if you missed those, go have a look there. It would be a shame if you missed those after all the effort I went through to post them, lol. I don't post pictures every day, you know! Although, come to think of it, maybe I should do that more often.

Here's one of Gandhi I took a few months ago.

And here's one of Tyke I took yesterday.

Every once in a while, like right now when I've done a frustrating job, I get the strong urge to light up a cigarette. I see myself going through the motions in my mind and really long for one, but I have no tobacco in the apartment and I have to get through the moment on my own without any help. I sip my coffee and think relaxing thoughts and try to calm myself down. I tell myself it's only a temporary longing I'm going through, that it will disappear after a while and that I've gone through worse things.

I just did deep breathing exercises, as if I was deeply inhaling smoke, but I was inhaling nothing but air. I did that for a few minutes and it got me over the moment. I must remember that trick, because it really works. My chest feels as if it has done some work and I had to cough. That's good. It will get all the gunk out. You learn something new every day. No doubt my brain is benefiting from all the oxygen too. The desire for a cigarette is gone.

What wasn't gone was my desire to eat a couple of teaspoons of peanut butter straight from the jar, so I had some of those and they were good, though now I'm very full. My eyes were bigger than my stomach (gastric band) and I'm burping very unladylike.

Can you believe today is Friday? Isn't that wonderful? I have my personal helper and the domestic help coming today and after that I will be released from my biggest obligations. I'm planning on doing a lot of reading and sleeping this weekend. For some reason I have the need for those two activities the most. It's because I'll feel relaxed enough to indulge in them. I feel like hibernating and cocooning. It must be because of all the changes that were made this past week. It takes a person a while to get used to them and they do wear you out.

With all the dawdling I've done writing this, and I've done nothing but, it's become morning and I will make a new pot of coffee, because the old one is empty. I only made enough for three cups anyway. I've got to take a shower in a while and wash my hair which I can't do a thing with. Though come to think of it, I may go to bed for a while and sleep some more first. Maybe that will be a better idea. It's early enough still.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Thank goodness it is Saturday...

Isn't it wonderful that it's the weekend again? The week flew by and I don't know where the time went. It just disappeared in a the blink of an eye, or several of them, and now I get to relax in the luxury of two days of spare time. I will enjoy it very much. The only thing I have to do is make a trip to the tobacconist to replenish my supply of tobacco and to buy another lighter, because Tyke demolished one of them again the other night. That is just a short outing, though, and that's the only obligation I have, besides walking Tyke a couple of times a day.

I can't tell you what a relief it is to have no outside pressure on me at all and to really know that nothing is expected of me for two whole days. Subconsciously, during the week, I always live with the idea that there will be expectations made of me that I can't live up to and I don't have that on the weekends. They really are an enormous break for me. But then again, I'm sure you must all feel that way and I'm sure it is a universal feeling and the weekends must be a big break for everybody, even the people with the most "uncomplicated" lives.

I'm repeating myself, I'm sure I have written this down before.

I finished my novel yesterday afternoon while I was sitting in my armchair with a big pillow in my side to lean against. The ending was fantastic, but you really feel so sad, because you think that all the agony and pain and madness could have been avoided if the truth had been told at the very beginning. If there had not been this attempt at this huge cover up. It really shows a lot about human nature and not the prettiest sides of it either, but rather how we might behave under the hardest pressure and when we make assumptions based on what people might think of us and how much we let that bother us. Some barely to be forgiven acts are committed and you have to somehow come to grips with them. Or not and have them be unresolved in your own mind. The novel was Drowning Ruth by Cristina Schwartz.

I've now started reading Where The Heart Is by Billie Letts and it's a completely different novel with a lot of dark humor in it. I'm not sure if I should call it dark humor, because I have a tendency to take things seriously and someone else may call it light humor, but the main character finds herself in quite a pickle, though it is treated with a certain amount of lightness and gaiety, as much as that is possible. You most definitely feel compassion for her. There are good guys and bad guys, that much is clear. I'm only up to page 65, so I can't say too much about it yet. A lot needs to develop yet.

I've now made it a habit to sit in my armchair for a few hours every afternoon to read, because I don't read at night before I go to sleep anymore. It's rather comfortable and very often Tyke or Gandhi climbs on my lap. They do want to get as close as they can get. I have my glass of milk and my cigarettes and settle in and have a good old read and concentrate completely on the book. The world is at a standstill. At night I listen to the radio and last night I fell asleep listening to the commentary to a football game of the Netherlands playing against San Marino. I was asleep in the shortest amount of time because I was not that fascinated by it. It was a rather dull game and the Dutch had 90% ball possession and made all the goals. It was a little bit too easy.

It was cold in the bedroom last night because I still had the window open and I put on warm pajamas and socks and crawled way under the duvet to get warm. Tyke laid down almost on top of me. I must get him a pair of pajamas too.

It's foggy outside right now and 9C, but we're supposed to have sunshine today and 19C. It will be a nice fall day and tomorrow too. No rain anyway. Even I got tired of that.

I must take my medicines and get dressed. It's time to walk Tyke and breathe in the cold morning air.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

At Dawn...

I'm very cozily sitting here with my cup of coffee after having been mightily entertained by Tyke and his tennis ball, which I had to roll across the living room numerous times. Of course, we couldn't make too much noise for fear of waking up the neighbors, but we had a good time anyway as silently as we could. I didn't bounce the ball off the furniture too much.

Yesterday evening I took the big African walking stick and swept it under the sofa and all sorts of things reappeared that Tyke could play with and he's had a good time ever since. I had not realized that so much had disappeared under the sofa. He found a good rawhide bone to chew on too, so he's intermittently been busy with that. I'll be regularly sweeping under the sofa with that big African walking stick now.

Yesterday was a nice enough day and overall I felt content enough for no reason in particular except for the fact that I was alive and well. Sometimes you just count a blessing as simple as that, especially if you've just watched the daytime news and seen the calamities on it. It does make you feel very safe and privileged and you're thankful for the country you live in. Still.

I always like Fridays, because that's when my hardest working domestic help gets here, who takes special pride in really getting the apartment spotless and I'm always so grateful to her for doing that. She always looks at me with a great deal of satisfaction when she's done and it is a wonderful start to the weekend for me. I completely relax in the afternoons, knowing that everything is in order and that all I have to do is pick up well after myself.

I dress with care every day, as if I'm going to meet someone important, and I do it purely for myself so that I will feel good. I decorate myself with something extra if I'm in the mood. A necklace or a scarf. Usually I'm in the mood. I check myself in two mirrors. The bathroom mirror and the long mirror of the closet door. Both of them show me in kindly light and hide my imperfections and that is fine with me. I don't need to be closely scrutinized by myself. I pretend the world sees me in the same way.

My sister gave me two English language books. They're both literature and a little hard to get through, she found. That means they're going to be a challenge and I like challenges. I like it when I have to pay attention to a novel and really have to make an effort. When I'm not just reading for relaxation, but also to use my head and figure out harder to understand concepts. The books are "A Woman of Salt" by Mary Potter Engel and "Unconfessed"by Yvette Christiansë.

At the rate I'm amassing books, I'm not going to run out of anything to read for a while. I've still got about 40 unread novels. I'll read them in due time if I don't get side tracked by something else. I'm really into thrillers right now and there is the lure of another Inspector Linley. I'm perfectly willing to be completely surprised by their outcomes. I read them purely for pleasure and I don't necessarily have to know ahead of time who the perpetrator is, although it's nice to speculate.

I'm going to eat breakfast and go back to bed for awhile. I just stood by the back door and I'm cold now. I'm looking forward to getting under the duvet where it is nice and warm. It's the best way to start a Saturday.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

At ease now, woman.

I'm slowing down, I really am, honest to God I am. I have just done two more things. I have downloaded my photographs and I have changed email programs, because the one I was using was refusing to send out emails and I could not answer any of yours, which was very frustrating. As it is now, I still can't answer any of those earlier emails, because they are stuck in the wrong email program, so you'll just have to send me another email or comment, so you can get a reply from me. I know you really don't mind doing that, because you're all such wonderful people who will do me that favor.

I should have been in bed already, but I've decided to unwind right here with a cup of decaf and a cigarette and my almost quiet dog by my side. I feel really tired now and it feels good and I look forward to going to bed and falling asleep with my book in my hands, providing the dog is quiet at last. It will be good to lie down with my aching body and my tired head and read until I fall asleep, which should not take too long.

--------------------

I tried to turn the computer off, but when I did, it said, "Do not turn off the computer, installing 1 of 81 updates." My goodness, that computer had been in that box for a long time, practically from the time it was bought. I had already been able to tell that it had not really been used and the receipts for everything were still in the box. I knew it was going to take a while for all those updates to download, so I took my medicines and put on my nathrobe and my slippers and made myself comfortable in my chair with a cup of decaf and in a very relaxed and meditative way, watched 81 updates being downloaded. You will think this is very boring, but it actually gave me a time out to relax and contemplate my navel and watch the numbers slowly dwindle down. I had a very pleasant and enjoyable time doing nothing but watching the numbers count down and it took a while too. I was not bored for one minute. but did nod off every once in a while.

When it was finished downloading the updates, it had to configure them, which took another while, but I had patience. After that, I downloaded the free AVG virus scanner and disinstalled the one that was in there. I also added the CCleaner for cleaning up superfluous messes. Run that through your computer every once in a while.

I'm now going to add the email addresses to my email program, because I'm still awake and it is in the wee hours of the night and I do like being awake then as you all know. I'm feeling very relaxed and mellow and oh so pleasantly pleased with myself. I figure I'll sleep tomorrow morning if I need to. It's too cozy now to go to bed.

Send me comments and emails, please. I do want to know if this email program is working. I'm assuming it is, but I won't believe it until I get actual mail.

Have a good morning when you wake up. I'm still typing this without the proper spell check.

Ciao,
Irene

Finally!

I ran into computer problems a few days ago and have been off line since then. My mouse stopped working and just as I was investigating the reason why, I noticed that Tyke had chewed through the cable of my keyboard, which was very frustrating to say the least, because it was carnival and all the stores were closed and would be for a while, so I could not buy a new one. I called the Exfactor to see if he had an extra mouse and keyboard. He did not, but he promised to try and solve my problem as quickly as possible. He couldn't do anything until today, when Media Mart opened up and he could buy a new mouse and a new keyboard and deliver them to me. It turned out that the portal into which the mouse was plugged was defective and now the mouse is plugged into one of the portals in the front of the PC. I taped the cable of the mouse into place so it won't be a temptation for Tyke to play with. The keyboard works great and I like it better than my old keyboard, so I'm moving up in the world. We've tied the cable of the keyboard to the desk so it won't be a temptation either. At least, I'm naive enough to think it. If I ever am off line for any period of time again, you'll know it is because Tyke chewed through a cable.

The first day I was without my PC, I was rather frustrated and went through withdrawal. I thought it was one of the worst things that could happen, but at the same time I realized that that was exaggerating the importance of it and that I shouldn't let it get to me that much. So, I tried to do other things to take up my time, which I was not very good at, at first.

After that it got easier and I realized that I got more relaxed from not sitting behind the computer and that my mood improved and that I was more even tempered when I was not sitting behind the computer at all hours of the day and night. That was an important observation and one I must not ignore. It seems that the computer causes me stress and I have to keep an eye on how much time I actually spend behind it and how much is actually necessary.

On those days that I couldn't sit behind the computer, I contemplated my own navel a lot and did household chores. I also watched the Winter Olympics on TV. All of these things were quiet activities that didn't cause me a lot of stress, not even the chores did, because I just took my time. I had nothing else to do, after all. I spent a lot of time in peace and quiet not doing anything very important, but hanging out with Tyke and lying on the sofa with a cat on top of me. It seems to have done me a lot of good, because my mood has vastly improved and I aim to keep it that way.

Since my mood has improved so much that even I notice the difference, I want to limit the time I spend behind the computer, tempting though it is to keep lingering here. For my own sake, I must turn it off on time and walk away from it and shut if off and keep it off until a long enough time has passed before I go back to it. I must spend time in quiet contemplation, because it's good for me. I do need to be free of stimuli and distractions. I never realized that as much as I do now.

Tyke is naughty at least once a day. Once a day he gets into something that I have overlooked as a potential naughtiness for him to get into. Everything in the apartment is getting moved up or put away. I thought things were safe on the dining table, but he's even managed to get on top of it when a chair was left pulled out. Other than that, he's his most adorable self almost all the time and a most kissable and hugable little bundle of joy.

Have a lovely day!

Ciao,
Nora.