Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's not too late...

I think I went to bed at about 9 PM last night and I slept until 9 AM this morning. Pretty good, huh? I haven't done anything as incredible as that in a long time. It felt good too and when I finally got up, I felt like I could have slept another 2 hours.

Instead, I got up for my coffee and turned the computer on and lighted a cigarette. I was slightly non coherent, until I finished my coffee and was able to decipher the emails I had gotten. I still have to go back and read them again for sureness. There is a twilight zone space for the first few hours in the morning when it is possible that I do not quite comprehend everything I read and respond to it properly. I am also cutting way back on the caffeine and that may cause some slowness in the nerve synapses in my brain.

It seems the Senseo machine has been saved by the application of a bottle of cleansing vinegar that I ran through it. I ran 3 tanks of clean water through it afterwards and now it is working like a charm. I am glad I was able to save it this way, because it is only a little more than a year old. That's too soon to break down, although I admit to a bit of a fatalistic attitude and expect things to break down all the time and am surprised when they don't.

I've cut way back on my Temazepam, that is the medication that is really a sleeping capsule, but that I was taking during the day to calm my nerves. I still take 20 mg of it at night, but I find I don't need it during the day anymore. I think taking it at night leaves enough in my system to not have to take it during the day. It was making me awfully sleepy and I always felt like taking naps. It was making me too tired, because I already feel tired during the day anyway. Even now, after all that sleep, I feel like laying down on the sofa for a while to get some more sleep. I blame it on the wintertime and my need to hibernate and to not want to do anything strenuous.

The weather is not really bad. Just overcast, but not rainy or windy, as has been predicted and it isn't very cold. It's 9 degrees Celsius, which is 48 degrees Fahrenheit. That's not bad at all.

The Überhund is very patient with me in the mornings and no matter how slow I am, he waits patiently until I am ready to take him out. If I really dawdle, he lets me know that he really needs to go, but even then he waits for me to get dressed and take my medicines and for me to give him his pills. I let him piddle out back when I first wake up, so the worst pressure is off.

You should see the state of my patio. I need someone with a rake to come and gather all the leaves and pull the weeds out and trim the Jasmine. I suppose I could do it myself, but contrary to my long ago past, I have no interest in the little bit of gardening that is expected of me. I look at it and shrug my shoulders in a frustrated way. Now, if the queen was coming over for a cup of tea...

I have to wash the bedroom windows, they are very dirty with the rains we have had and I'll need a bucket of hot soapy water to get them clean. It will be done in a jiffy, but I act like it is some huge job that is waiting for me. I will have to visualize it in my mind first and then tackle it. When it comes to house cleaning, I am not on the ball at the moment. I'm fine when it comes to the dishes and the laundry, but the rest is falling by the wayside. I can't find any enthusiasm for it. My motivation this weeks is, that we are having that party Friday night and I will have to get the place cleaned up before that time. Watch me do that at the last minute.

This afternoon, I am seeing my SPN and I have no idea what I want to discuss with her, except that I am going to tell her that the first 4 months of my separation with the Exfactor I was pretty much hypomanic all the time. I don't think she realizes that, because I can hide it behind a rational smile very well. I can pretend I am more in control than I really am. That's what it is all about anyway, hiding your true feelings. I am a master at that.

I always had to hide my true feelings in my first marriage. Even when we were in counseling, I didn't let anyone know what I really thought. That I had feelings of hatred and longings for suicide. That a lot of times I was so depressed and down on myself that I could hardly bear it anymore. The depth of my negative feelings was enormous and I was afraid to come out with them, because it would have set the whole fragile boat rocking. I was trying to keep up the status quo, surviving against the odds, sleeping with the enemy. I was imprisoned and pretending I was not, that I was there out of my own free will.

Anyway, it is time to hang up again. I've got to put on my face and look half way decent. I could do with a large cheering section right now. Rah, rah, rah! I am happy, as long as it isn't raining when I have to go on my bike.



John said...

My britches are not too small, my butt is too big.

All relatives.

Maggie May said...

Glad you got your coffee maker fixed. That will make things easier for you.
Hope you get on OK with the SPN.
Hope you find some one to rake the patio. You could try doing just a little every day!
'Bye for now.X

Ladybird World Mother said...

Enthusiasm for housework. This is just not possible. Those two words just dont fit into the same sentence. Know the feeling well though. As for masking feelings. I am the Queen of that. Think thats why blogging is so damned good... no face required, so no smile needed to nail to said face.
Hope all goes well this afternoon.
And that your house gets cleaned somehow before your guests on friday!

Bev said...

I believe there has been some discussion about coffee going on. We have a cafetiere for special occasions, but I drink loads of Nescafe. Not a bad thing drinking lots of coffee, as it is packed full of antioxidants. If you drink it while smoking, surely it will make up for any harmful effects of the latter.lol

The Boisterous Butterfly said...

Oh John, I'm sorry about that. AS long as your head doesn't get too big...

Maggie, I need to tackle that patio one Saturday afternoon instead of sitting here behind the computer...

Ladybird, how nice of you to visit. Yes, you don't need to smile while you blog, though I often find I do...

Bev, I love it when you leave comments. You always have some good news. I knew there was something good about the combination smoking and coffee drinking...

Frances said...

Glad you got plenty of sleep. You are coming out of that little strange patch you had last week - sleep is a great restorative. Good to hear the trusty coffee machine is working and I hope you feel a bit more energetic for the cleaning ahead.
Anxiety may be part of the issue at the moment, as it is a long time since you had a social gathering to organise. I hope Eduard will do his bit and support you and help with the arrangements.
Look after yourself dear one.

Anonymous said...

YEAH for a coffee maker that can be fixed. That is much nicer than buying a new one. So glad you can have your cups of coffee.

I hope things went well with the SPN and that you had a good talk. I know exactly what you mean about hiding feelings. Not good to do, but I do the same thing. I'm working on not doing it. Much healthier.

Don't worry about the patio. The leaves will resolve themselves. Just enjoy your days.