On the sofa...

I laid down on the sofa this afternoon, in the sunshine that came in through the front windows, and finished "The Stone Diaries." I had already looked on my bookcase to see if I had any more books by Carol Shields and I do. I have two of them, "Dressing up for the Carnival" and "Larry's Party." I think I will read the latter next. I think the first one is a collection of short stories. After I finished reading "The Stone Diaries," I laid it down on my lap and folded my hands over my chest and went to sleep very peacefully.

I woke up with Tyke on my lap and Gandhi too and the two of them were making a racket, so I had to get up after I got licked awake by Tyke and his wonderful dog breath, which isn't quite puppy breath any more. I smoked a cigarette to come to my senses and then made a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out and opened the back door to let the fresh air in. The jasmine bush is very green and the Golden Rain is getting buds on it. Soon it will have blossoms, although it is a little late this year. The mountain ash berries are showing life and will soon be green. Tyke is ignorant of all of this and just lifts his leg against it and pees. It doesn't seem to do it any harm. Maybe it is fertilizer.

I just took him for a walk around the field and a lot of people were sitting out in the sunshine. It's a communal field, so all the people whose houses face it use it to sit and relax on, but they do keep a close eye on me and my dog to make sure I clean up after him. It would be very antisocial not to and not a hair on my head would think of not doing it, but there are those people who get away with it when no one is looking. It's pretty disgusting. Kids play on that field and a whole social life takes place there. They even have parties and barbecues there, so it's a big deal to keep that field cleaned up.

My, I am talking about interesting things now, aren't I? I hope you aren't eating your dinner.

I've just taken my medicines and it seems that everything is working correctly. I have them spread out evenly over the day so I feel like I have some control over them and how much I get off it during the day at different times. I'm not bothered by the decrease in my anti psychotics. If anything, I feel maybe less down, but I can't be sure, because I'm drinking a little more coffee. That does effect me and it makes me feel better as can be witnessed at the end of the day when I really feel good. Maybe it's just a relief to have the day over and done with. I do like the evenings and the nights the best, after all.

Today was not a bad day, though, and it went by quickly and I did not feel like I wanted to sit down and sob in misery once. I think that reading a good book helped a lot and diverted my attention. Sleeping also helped, but a good book does wonders, because you really can get lost in it and be transported to another time and place and have your imagination be stimulated. If you're lucky, you recognize bits and pieces of yourself and your own life in it and it puts you to thinking about it from a different angle. You wonder how you did things and why and if you could have done them differently, or if you did them equally inadequate considering the time you lived in and the circumstances.

I was born in the fifties and am a product of the fifties and not at all a liberated woman like a lot of my contemporaries are. I was raised to be dependent and unable to fend for myself. Just because all the women in my family wore the pants in their households, I thought we were liberated, but nothing was further from the truth. We were all heavily dependent on our husbands for our livelihoods and not at all capable of taking care of ourselves. We knew how to run a household and that was it. I come across such women in the books I read, or very liberated and educated ones, and compare notes and see how bad off I am.

But never mind about that. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. I am where I am now and must make the best of it. I am getting lots of help to do just that. It's amazing what input I'm getting. I must make good with that.

It's still early in the evening. Normally I don't have a post written this early, so doubtlessly there will be another one later on when I can't sleep. Or maybe I will surprise myself and go to bed early tonight. The only problem is that I will awaken in the middle of the night and have nothing better to do but to sit here behind the computer again. I could take a second sleeping pill then and sleep longer. Maybe that's a good idea. Anything to survive the night right.

Tyke's out cold behind me on the floor. He never lies on the comfortable cushion because it is too far away from me. I'll see if it helps when I move it closer. At night he sleeps on the bed with me and when I wake up he greets me eagerly and comes up to cuddle. He's just one woolly, squiggly teddy bear, all black curls. He's like a movable stuffed animal.

I'm off to start reading my new book. I hope it is as good as the last one. I'm full of anticipation.

Have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Nora