Things to ponder at night...

I feel ever so slightly ill as if I'm getting the flu. When I was lying in bed, I had the chills and I had a funny feeling in my chest as if a malady was settling there. I'm not quite myself right now, but I never do get properly sick and I'm sure that by the morning, I'll be right as rain again. That big virus that's been going around hasn't floored me yet. I seem to have a good immune system. People around me get ill, but I never do. 

I've got an appointment with my therapist in the morning. I haven't seen her in quite a while. An appointment I had with her before Christmas was canceled and a lot has happened since then. You see that I manage quite well without her. It's not necessary to discuss every detail of what is happening in my life with her, but it will be good to touch base with her. I feel less need to have all sorts of help and back up and reassurances. I do feel capable of independent thought and taking independent actions. 

I find that people close to me function well as listening posts also. I talk to them about things and they don't even have to give me advice. I just tell them what I run up against and make my own decisions. All they really have to do is sit and listen and sympathize as much as they can. It's for me to get the story straight in my mind. The Exfactor serves that purpose very well. He is a good listener without wanting to give all sorts of advice. I get to clear my head and put things in order. That's all I really need. 

I think smart actions result from a combination of listening to your instincts and using your intelligence. If you ignore your gut reactions, you'll go off in the wrong direction, but you've got to keep your wits about you too. I'm unsure how closely instinct and intelligence in people are related. That's something I've never researched. It would be an interesting subject to read about. 

I will go back to bed. I should take something against aches and pains. That's typical for flu, isn't it? I will wish myself well. I will imagine my body fighting whatever bug it's got while I'm comfortably esconded under the duvet. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's hardly surprising...

I made the coffee not so very strong, necessitating me to drink more of it to get the equal effect. I actually like the taste of it better this way, although I always claim to like a strong cup of coffee. I guess it really isn't so and I'll have to remember that the next time I make a pot of coffee. I do always have to learn my lesson the hard way. I hope I can always manage to put less ground coffee in the filter.

I will enjoy my cup of coffee better and it will not be such an onslaught to my stomach which is protesting less. I'm sure a cup of strong and bitter coffee is not what it wants. But I am like a donkey who kicks the same stone twice and it will be a learning process that I will stubbornly go through until I get it right. Remind me not to brag about the punch the coffee carries and what a kick it gives me. It will be because I'm on the wrong track. 

I also have to remember not to dawdle and put my bathrobe on right away instead of sitting here in my pajamas getting cold. It's like that doesn't register immediately and I wonder why I am so uncomfortable. Once I do put my bathrobe on, I'm immediately aware of the difference and I chastise myself for not having had the sense to do it right away. It makes me wonder how well I really function when I first get up in the middle of the night. 

I think I'm not as logical as I could be and have to wait for it to slowly catch up with me as the coffee starts working. I'm only a ghost of the potential me when I first get up, although I'm never in a bad mood. I'm just a bit slow witted and function below par. I really shouldn't make any big decisions in the first twenty minutes, although I'm happy to say that none are expected of me. 

I'm fine now and warmly enveloped in my bathrobe. I have socks on my feet and couldn't be more comfortable. My brain is functioning and I couldn't think straighter. I could do any sort of task now. It's a pleasure to be up knowing that I will go back to bed again shortly and finish sleeping. It's the simple things in life that make it worth living and sleeping well is one of them. I always do that best early in the morning.

Getting up the second time is a little bit harder. My body and mind do protest a bit more. It takes me a while longer to get my act together. I give myself an hour to sit in my armchair and become a semblance of a human being. I'm actually one before that time, but I like to start out slowly and to gather up my bravery to face the day. That is always a bit harder than facing the silence and darkness of the night. Looking presentable and walking the dog are big chores in the morning. They are not to be taken on lightly. 

The dog is snoring on the sofa, but he will follow me back to bed. The cat is already there waiting for us. 

Today will be lovely weather and that's something to look forward to. The sun will be shining all day.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Wednesday night and all is well...

I've already been asleep for awhile, but as is usual, I woke up and am wide awake again. I had a cup of coffee, but now I'm drinking cold milk and it is tasting very good. It fills my stomach and quenches my thirst. I don't feel like eating. For some reason my stomach feels very full and all I've had today was a peanut butter sandwich.

I didn't go back to sleep last night, but read my book until it was morning. I did doze off in the armchair a couple of times. I should have gone back to bed and set the alarm clock for 8 am, but I was stubborn and decided to stay up. It's a mistake I won't make quickly again because it bothered me for the rest of the day. I'm just now recuperated from it.

The men with the sofa got here at 10 am. The sofa easily fit through the front door and the hallway into the living room where it was unpacked and put in place. It's a nice sofa, very modern in a pretty gray color, but I should not have gotten the throw pillows with the lime green covers for it. That doesn't look good. I definitely need red covers for them to tie in with the color of one of the arm chairs, and the curtain in front of the door that I don't use, and the red window shades. The colors in the living room need to be red and black and gray. I didn't figure all of that out until way later in the day.

I have to get new shades for the living room windows tomorrow morning to replace the rather discolored ones that are there now, and I'm going to get a brighter shade of red than I have now. It's going to match the other shades of red in the living room better. I have ordered new covers for the pillows and they will be here in the afternoon. That will tie the whole thing together.

I mounted different collages in the frames above the sofa and put a different movie poster in the frame by the living room windows. I just wanted a change. I don't know if I'm happy with it yet. I have to think about it. I may change it still.

I was actually too tired to be making decisions about changes and needed to go to sleep. I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist and asked the secretary for him to call me later in the afternoon, after I had slept. We could make a new appointment then.

I slept for a couple of hours, but not nearly long enough and I felt like a wrung out dishcloth when I got up. I had no energy for anything, but I did realize what was wrong with the living room and was bound and determined to set it to rights.

I finished the autobiography that I was reading and will start on 'When We Were Orphans' next. That will be shortly as I'm not nearly ready to go to bed yet, though I don't want to stay up all night like I did last night. I did learn my lesson. I don't want to read in bed, though, because there's the danger that Tyke will get a hold of my book and shred it to pieces. Besides, when I'm in bed, I like to listen to the radio and let my thoughts wander.

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,
Nora

After midnight...

I went to sleep real early last night, it was still light outside, but I didn´t care. I was yawning and tired and ready to go to bed. I couldn´t think of a better place to be and all I could think about was how nice it would be to stretch out under the duvet and read my book. It had rained all evening, sometimes very fiercely, and I hoped it would keep on raining during the night. No such thing happened, though, and now it is only lightly cloudy, but it is still 20C outside and warm.

Needless to say. because I went to sleep so early, I woke up after midnight and was wide awake again. That´s when my sleeping pill stops working. I should say, my fall asleep pill, because that´s all it is. I won´t get real sleepy again now for a few hours and then go back to bed. You could say that I´ve had a long nap.

I googled my boots and found a picture of them, but they were the wrong color and didn´t look nearly as elegant as they are, so I´m not going to post it after all. Maybe I will take a photo of them when I get them tomorrow. I can take pictures of Tyke and Gandhi at the same time and post them too. You will finally get to see what Tyke looks like with his short haircut.

Every once in awhile a dark thought crosses my mind. It is like a dark cloud crossing in front of the sun. It only lasts for a minute and then it is gone again, but for that minute I am steeped in moroseness and I am reminded of what it is like to be depressed. I hope these dark thoughts are not harbingers of a depression and I´m trying to treat them lightly and not take them too seriously.

I do want to be alert to the signs, though, and not be taken unawares. They are increasing in occurrence and that´s what I want to prevent from happening. I may have them due to circumstances. I am the support system of my younger sister, who wants advice, but who will listen to none of it and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much input I give her. I´m now to the point where I want to withdraw my support and let her find her way on her own. This is a hard decision to make, though, but I´m disheartened enough to make it.

I never want my mental health to be dependent on that of other people´s. It can´t be so that I have to pay the price for the foolishness of other people´s actions. I´m sure that it´s not how it´s meant to be. I do think we should help each other, but when it stops being help and turns into an exercise in futility, you have to stop putting in the energy and the effort.

I don´t know if this is the cause of my dark thoughts. I may have them all on my own regardless of this. It may be that time of year when it is approaching autumn. The weather sure has been like it and the days are getting shorter, especially with the rainy days. I have to turn the lights on early in the apartment, gloomy as it is when the sun doesn´t shine.

Tyke has misplaced his tennis ball and I can´t find it anywhere. I have been on my hands and knees looking under all the furniture, but it has disappeared. I´ve been in every room. He keeps coming to me asking for it, but I have no idea where it is. It´s very frustrating and I hope he finds it himself, but he is as stumped as I am. He loves that ball and I should get some more.

I think it´s time to go back to bed. I´m ready now. I´ll get myself a glass of milk and be off.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

Decisions...

The final decision about Toby was made yesterday. It was a tough one to make and although I was quite sad about it initially, I was relieved this morning that I didn't have to care for and feed his helpless body, which I could have gone on doing indefinitely. That means that I have peace with the decision and that I can live with it. Our little household is back to normal now and the litter box has been cleaned up and put away. Gandhi very casually walks around the apartment and Tyke has stopped obsessively sticking his nose in the paper box where Toby was constantly sleeping. All is well with the world and we are okay. Life continues as before.

The clothes I had ordered got here yesterday late in the afternoon and I tried all of them on immediately. Some of the things fit perfectly, but others didn't at all regardless of the size I had ordered them in, so I repackaged them and arranged for them to be picked up today. There's a lesson to be learned from this and that is that there's a difference in sizing in the different brands and that it is better to stick to the brand that you know well and that you are sure about the size of.

The harem pants that I ordered turned out to be great and I really like them and they fit well. The top that I got to go with it fit well too and it makes for a nice outfit. So I was pleased about that. I'm going to wear it today after I've had my shower this morning. It's so nice to wear clothes that you are happy about and it does wonders for your self esteem. You feel yourself get taller and skinnier, although that is just an illusion, of course. It's very pleasant, nevertheless.

I talked to my SPN about taking everything so seriously and not having enough of a sense of humor and it is really not only because of the fact that Toby was dying. It is a general attitude that I have and that is starting to bother me very much and that I want to get rid of.

We traced it back to a large sense of disillusionment that I carry with me, which prevents me very often from being spontaneously happy. It makes me analyze every situation I find myself in instead of honestly reacting to it with my feelings. I'm afraid to show my feelings and be spontaneous because I'm afraid of being hurt. Being spontaneous and reacting to a situation with your feelings means not hiding behind your walls and exposing yourself. Being vulnerable. And I'm afraid to be it.

I'm now going to practice letting down my guard. Not everywhere and with every person, but when I think it is safe and there are enough situations when it is. I have to practice spontaneity and being open and looking people in the eyes and being present and approachable. It will be a conscious effort that I have to make. Practice makes perfect.

I look forward to going to bed so very much in the evening. I can't wait for it to be a decent enough time to go to sleep and very often it is very early. I decamp with my book and a glass of milk and make myself cozy. I can't stand the thought of staying up any longer and I just hope that nobody calls me once I'm in bed because I won't answer the phone. I slept 8 hours last night, but I'm sure there will be a nap some time later today.

I finished "Careless in Red" and will now start "The Girl Who Played With Fire." I was going to last night, but fell asleep before I could. I hope it is as good as the first book in the series, which I read without reading glasses and had a heck of a time finishing. Now that I have my reading glasses I have a much easier time getting through a book. The Inspector Linley one turned out to be much better than I initially thought it was going to be. At the beginning I didn't enjoy reading it very much and I thought about giving up on it, but tenaciousness kept me at it. I'm glad it did because it turned out to be quite interesting and a satisfying read.

Well, I have to start the morning ritual. It's that time again. First I'll take a nice warm shower because I'm cold. The mornings have been colder lately. We're supposed to have some rain today, but we'll see if that materializes. It will be nice if it does. We still need it.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

In the long run...

Late yesterday afternoon, Tyke and I went for a longer walk, because many of you agreed that he needed more exercise than he was getting on his little short walks with Jesker and I couldn't agree more. We left at about 4 o'clock and as it gets dark at 6, I figured we had enough time to wander around the neighborhood and pick the best route to follow. He thought it was great and couldn't move quickly enough from one interesting spot to the next, That meant moving from hedge to hedge and from tree to tree and from one blade of grass to the next. He set the pace and it was fast. He was just not quite pulling my arm out of my socket.

Unfortunately, I had misjudged the weather and wore my warm sweater under my winter coat and after a while I was very hot. It was much warmer outside than I had anticipated. I was also wearing the wrong boots and had sore feet about halfway through the walk. So I lasted 50 minutes and had to call it quits. Tyke easily could have walked another hour or two. Also, my condition isn't what it used to be. I have gotten used to the relatively short and easy rambles with Jesker and they are nothing compared to a long walk with Tyke.

Today I'm going again, but I'm not going to wear my warm sweater and I'm going to wear my hiking boots in the hope that I will last a little bit longer. I'm going to try and make two longer walks, but it depends on how much sleep I need and how much time that leaves me. I'm up in the middle of the night now after sleeping a few hours. No doubt I will go back to sleep later, but I may be up on time for a morning walk with him that's a bit longer.

Jesker gets exhausted moving from room to room, so I'm not going to bother taking him for walks anymore, as they seem to wear him out too much anyway. I will let him do his business out back and just take Tyke for walks and make them longer ones, because there is no sense in making these tiny little walks with the three of us. They don't do any of us any good, least of all Jesker.

I'm worried about Jesker and I don't think he is going to hang on much longer. I guess what I'm really saying is, that soon I will be faced with the difficult decision that I have to make and that is so hard. But I hear his breathing as he is lying here beside me and it is short and shallow, as if it requires effort. I want him to hang in there a while longer, but really I want to postpone the decision until there is no other choice. Until it is the only obvious thing to do, but I don't want him to needlessly suffer either. It is tough. I've had to had cats put to sleep and I felt bad enough about that. This, however, is my companion and my friend. He's more than just a dog.

I've turned the thermostat down one degree so the heater won't keep going on and it does make a difference, but I imagine that I'm much colder now, while one degree should not matter all that much. A cup of hot coffee sure tastes good then. I think I'm going to get my end of year bill in June, because that's when I became a customer of this energy company and I will find out how much extra I will have to pay on top of the monthly payments that I have been making. They've calculated me for a one person household, but the winter has been cold, so I may have used more gas than was predicted. I've also used the computer a lot, so I may have used more electricity, in spite of my energy saving light bulbs and the fact that I hardly watch TV. So it's all going to be a big surprise.

I just got two blue envelopes in the mail from the tax office and I thought that maybe they wanted more money from me because of the end of the year calculations, but luckily zero Euros were due. It's such a relief when the tax people let you know that you don't owe them anything else. It would be like plucking a naked chicken. There's no more to go around and they ought to know best. You never know when you get a blue envelope in the mail. It can be good news or bad news. This time it was semi-good news. It would have been better if they had owed me money. That would have been my lucky day.

It's only going to be 3C today and cloudy. We've had such nice weather these past couple of days, that you could almost imagine spring had arrived. Alas, it was of short duration. Next week we're going to have wintertime again with freezing temperatures and more snow, believe it or not. Such rotten luck! I do hate that and I sincerely hope that's the last of it, but that's what I hoped the other week too. Drats! In the north of the country they haven't been without snow for at least 7 weeks, so that's much worse. Thank goodness we're spared that.

Both the dogs are amicably sleeping at my feet as if they've never done anything else. There's room for both of them. Sometimes Tyke snores. It's very funny to hear such a little dog snore. Every time I get up to go to the kitchen, he follows me in the hope that something exciting will happen and I have to disappoint him every time. It's not nearly time for him to eat, but he does gobble down his food when he gets it. He acts like a starving person who hasn't had anything to eat for days or weeks. It's gone in no time. Jesker is not the least bit interested in eating.

Well, I'll go and read blogs. I'm behind in that and now is a good time to catch up.

I hope you all have a wonderful day when you get up.

Ciao...