I'm allowing myself to be officially depressed. There's no reason to fight it because I've been becoming it since the middle of the night when I sat up with a cup of coffee and tried to deny it. It's always better to acknowledge it and give into it than to try and act as if there's nothing wrong, which is impossible anyway.
I usually feel relieved when I admit I am depressed. It's like suddenly falling into a deep hole and not knowing what exactly preceeded it. I never seem to know how I ended up there. There I find myself and at first I don't even realize what's wrong. I just feel extreme discomfort. It's good to give it a name once I've figured out what it is. It's even better to talk about it.
I act like what I do here is talk but it does feel like that. I do imagine that you're all listening to me and are pondering it over. I don't know how much of that is actually true and I don't have to know. Just leave me with my illusions.
The bad part about being depressed is that it's very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything. Mostly you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear. At least be somewhere warm and safe, maybe some place like the womb. I'm trying to get out of doing most everything, although that's very difficult when you're the only person in your household. I can't expect the animals to take over.
I'm constantly cold and in need of warmth. I want the sun to shine on me but I'll have no such luck with this kind of weather. Besides, it is at the end of the afternoon and gray and cloudy and the sun is low in the sky. It has just started to rain too.
There is no joy in being depressed. There is only the relief of acknowledgement and the giving into it. You don't have to fight a battle. I certainly am not going to waste my time on one. It would be silly to because I would lose it. I'm going to very kindly take care of myself.
Have a good evening.