Acceptance...

It is an overcast and gloomy day here today but that doesn't mean I have to be gloomy myself. Far from it, I am in an excellent mood because I finally know what it means to accept myself and my life and the contents of it. My psychiatrist had suggested I accept it some years ago and I tried to do it then, but I really didn't understand then what it meant and couldn't do it. Now, as if by some miracle, I do and it feels as if a heavy load has fallen off my shoulders. 

It really isn't an effort to accept yourself and your life and the contents of it, but you have to understand what it means. Until the meaning becomes clear to you, it is an impossible task. It means the total acceptance of yourself and all the decsions you've made and the results of them. It means continuing on from there with a contented heart knowing you have chosen well and not doing a lot of wishful thinking. It means embracing yourself unconditionally and having peace with that and not being dependend on the opinions of other people.

At this point in my life, who I am and what I like and what I stand for has become pretty clear to me. I can without a doubt predict how I am going to feel about things and how I am going to react to them. I'm pretty much set in my way and don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about how I feel about things. My mind is pretty much all made up. There is a lot of comfort in that. I don't have to second guess myself and can trust myself to make the right decision. It will be the right decision for me. 

I have my likes and dislikes and my opinions and my definite comfort zone. I feel comfortable with them and don't feel that I have to step across those boundaries to accommodate anyone else. I feel I am entitled to them. I don't feel that I should go out of my way very far to make other people happy or comfortable. There's only so much time and energy I'm willing to invest. Most of it goes directly to me. And the animals, of course. If my daughter lived close to me, I'd be willing to invest a certain amount in her, but that's purely a hypothetical situation and not applicable here. 

I've made my own way these past twenty years and whatever I have achieved, I have achieved on my own. Well, I did have professional help and I'm grateful for that. There weren't a lot of other people along the way. If I were getting an Oscar, I wouldn't be thanking a host of them. My reward is that I get to live with myself and have a clear conscience.

Ciao,
Irene

The reward system...

I had a busy day and want to reward myself for it. Of course, my mind thinks of a cigarette as if that is the only way I can reward myself for a day well spent. Why in the world would I even need a reward for it? Would it be to congratulate myself because it all went well? That's possibly the reason, but I've got to think of a better way to make myself feel good. 

I had to go to Specsavers at 10 am to pick up my varifocal glasses, so I rode my bike into town very leisurely and did that. They had to be adjusted to fit my head properly and I had to take one of the eye tests over again because I had not received the letter from the eye doctor and they were afraid that I had got lost in the system.

These varifaocals are well made and I have no problems with them like I did with the other ones. I had to tilt my head with the other ones because the lenses hadn't been put in the frame right. Since I hardly ever wore them, this was not much of a problem, but it's nice to have a pair of properly fit ones. I do wear these constantly now and have been complimented on them already. 

I ate a sausage roll at the Hema department store and made it just on time for my appointment with my therapist at 11 am. There we discussed my regular forrays into hypomania and how to best get through them and my acceptance of my illness which is not complete. I do feel embarrassment about it and try to make everything look better to the outside world than it is. 

Next, I had an appointment with my psychistrist about my medication, but I told him to leave everything just the way it is now, please. If we were to start juggling with my pills, I could really get into trouble because I'm already rapid cycling and that would make it worse. Luckily, he agreed with me and we made another appointment for two weeks from now to keep a finger on the pulse. 

After that, I had to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled and to try and return an unused box of nicotine patches, but I was unsuccessful with that. They don't buy back any medication that you've had at home and can't sell it either. It's a law apparently. So, I'm stuck with them, much to my disgust. 

When I got home, I realized that the dog had the beginning of an eye infection, so I took him to the vet and he did some tests and gave me some ointment for his eye. I have to put some in twice a day and the dog is really good about it.

Then I took a nap. 

In a little while I have to call my older sister whose blood tests results came back abnormal and who very suddenly had to have an echo made of her liver and the rest of her stomach. I do worry about her. She's been having physical complaints for some time. Because she has so much stress in her life, she thought that this was the cause of them. I wish I was there with her and could go to the doctor with her. 

I've got to get a lot of sleep. I have to catch up on what I didn't get when I was hypomanic.I feel like sleeping a lot and would like nothing better than get into bed and sleep some more. I have to put it off for a while, though. I still have to eat dinner too. 

I've discovered a new way to get the dog to stop bothering the cat. It works full proof. One day when I'm not so tired, I'll tell you about it. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog