The weekend

I was sitting here minding my own business when I noticed that I was getting just a little bit stressed and I wondered why that was. I quickly realized it was because in my head I was making a list of things I had not gotten around to doing and that I absolutely could not forget. But then I also realized that this was the weekend and that I would have plenty of time to do them, so I started to relax again. 

It's just a matter of writing these things down on a piece of paper and breaking them down into simple steps. The smaller the steps, the easier the job and the less intimidated I will be. It's the fear of failure that always paralyzes me and that has to do with my drive for perfectionism. It's better if I name those less appealing characteristics so I won't be bothered by them so much. It's good to keep them in mind while I go about crossing off items on that yet to be made list.

I'm sitting here having a much appreciated cup of coffee. It's as good as I anticipated it would be. Since I'm off the tranquilizers, I don't have many befuddled moments anymore and I seldom have to drink the coffee to become sober minded. I do require it in the mornings to get my head together. I could not start functioning without the caffeine. I suppose that's how addicted I am to it. Like the joke goes: I don't have an identifiable personality without it. And I'm an unmovable, silent obstacle without caffeine. 

The Exfactor can testify to that. He is here some mornings when I'm just waking up and haven't had my coffee yet. He knows that I'm incapable of having a conversation until I've had that first cup. I sit there as if I'm dumb struck and I can hardly utter a word. I do completely turn around when the caffeine has hit my system and am full of kindness once that happens. I can talk about any subject then and make a completely coherent shopping list. 

Luckily, the scenario above doesn't happen a lot. I do try to be up on time when I know the Exfactor is coming. I very seldom oversleep. That must be why I like the weekends because it allows me that luxury, although I don't often take advantage of it. I must remember that I like the weekends for those times when I think I don't.

Ciao,

Irene

So far, so good...

I have temporarily misplaced the dog and have no idea where he is in the apartment. I greeted him this morning when I woke up but when I got back from going to the toilet, he was nowhere to be found. I'm sure he'll show up again but this is a new one to me. He must be gaining his independence as he never is far away from me. 

I slept well in spite of not having taken that tranquilizer. I was up for a while during the night but I did go back to sleep and get enough rest. I don't feel any sort of withdrawal effect. I think I was taking so little that it hardly makes a difference.

This afternoon I've got an appointment with the relaxation therapist. This time we will really get down to the actual work. I'm a little bit nervous about it. I do admit that. I don't know how well I will do this. I suppose I can be a total failure at it and learn it from scratch. I don't have to be perfect at it from the start. 

I suppose that is still my problem. I want to be perfect at everything I do and set my standards too high. I have to go in there today with a different attitude. I have to act like I don't know how to relax and that I have to learn it from the beginning. That will be a lot better than acting as if I've already got the thing down pat. 

I've got to go and get dressed and find the dog. It's time to take him for a walk. It looks like it's going to rain and I want to go out there before it does. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,
Irene

The proper mood...

I've been sitting here for a while trying to get in the right mood to write a post. I was feeling very grumpy and could not think of a nice thing to write. I knew I would have to change my attitude because I didn't want this to tunr into one great lament. I had to do a bit of self analysis and drink a glass of ice cold milk. I think I've got the attitude problem sorted out and the milk has made me feel a lot better too.

Just as easily as I can get very optimistic, I can also get into a total funk. It is usually short lived but intense. There is usually a reason for it because it's about something that's bothering me a lot and something that I really need to rant about. Since I don't have that possibility, I have to work it out on my own. I have a mini storm rage inside of me but at a certain point it boils down to a mild simmer and then I don't feel so bad anymore. 

After wrestling with this particular issue, I'm left feeling very tired and I really want to go back to bed and sleep. I will postpone that a little while and finish this post.I don't have an appointment until 1:30 pm and I have enough time to sleep. This appoinment is to practice relaxation and breathing techniques and it's something completely new for me.

Well, that's not true. I do know relaxation techniques and do apply them but not on a regular enough basis. I do know how to get back in the moment very well but there are crucial times when I forget. It has to become second nature. 

I will be a perfect human being yet.

I need to go back to bed. I'm so tired. 

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,
Irene

The lack of nicotine....

I want to write a cohesive post, but I find it very difficult to. It's like the lack of nicotine is preventing me from writing down anything that's sensible.

I haven't worn a nicotine patch since Tuesday when I discovered I could do without them and not miss the nicotine. It's true, I don't. I've had a peaceful time ever since and am amazed that this is so. 

I'm so peaceful today that I can't seem to really wake up and keep having to go back to bed to sleep some more.

I'm having some coffee to prevent me from falling asleep behind the computer. 

It's not working very well. 

Anyway...

Yesterday I had my hair cut and I had to promise to never let my hair grow again. I did and left the shop with a great haircut that looks quite perky on me. It's very easy to take care of hair and a breeze to wash and dry. 

I've already written down in my agenda when I should make the next appointment. I'm not going to make the mistake of walking around with a grown out haiircut. 

Oh yes, I remembered. I'm not supposed to be perfect. I almost forgot. I did start to sound like I was trying to be a perfect person, wasn't I? And I'm allowed to make all the mistakes I want. What's going to happen if I do anyway? The world's not going to come to an end. 

Jeez! I'm even perfect in being imperfect. 

So, I don't know why I don't need the nicotine patches. Maybe it's because I only smoked for such a short time. I will have to take the nicoltine patches I have left back to the pharmacy to see if I can get back my money. I have one full box that's not been opened yet. 

In my enthusiasm, I bought two weeks worth of patches. Dumb!

I only used them one day.

Ciao,

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Happiness in the evening...

I had a strawberry jam sandwich with the crusts cut off. I can handle that if I don't immediately try to drink a cup of coffee afterwards. I do have to wait for the sandwich to make its way down which was kind of a shame because I was in high need of the coffee. I was not only hungry, but also discombobulated because I had just woken up from an unplanned nap.

Because I was so discombobulated, I was ready to throw myself off a high cliff, but I knew I just needed some caffeine so I had to be patient for a little while. And let me tell you, smoking a cigarette does absolutely nothing to make me feel better at such a time. Nicotine does nothing for me mentally when I feel that messed up. 

I went by the pharmacy today and got the new supply of nicotine patches so I can stop smoking again tomorrow. I've smoked for 9 days and am more than eager to quit again. I'll throw away all the tobacco that's left and flush it down the toilet. That way there will be no temptation. I'm smoking as I write this and my chest doesn't feel so good. My body will be glad when I quit. 

I had to go see my therapist today and there was a strong cold wind blowing that I had to ride my bike into and I realized how out of shape I was because I had started smoking again. I had to go uphill at one point and barely made it. That was pretty bad because before I got up there easily. People aren't meant to smoke. It's a pretty bad thing to do to yourself. I certainly notice the difference after not having smoked for a month. 

It's because I became hypo-manic that I started again and my therapist said that it's one of the pitfalls for people who are bipolar. It's harder for us to quit, but that just makes me more determined. I know where the danger lurks now and I'm a warned woman. I'll be smarter the second time around. I look forward to the challenge. 

My therapist found out that I'm a super perfectionist and that made me cry. It was as if she discovered a deep dark secret. Ever since then I've been paying close attention to myself and I notice that I strive for perfectionism in everything I do. It doesn't matter how insignificant the deed is. Every move I make has to be perfect. Every single thing I do has to be perfect. 

Now that I'm aware of that, I can tell myself that they don't have to be, that it isn't necessary. Because I tell myself that, and believe it, I feel a load of stress fall off my shoulders. I purposely am going to do everything imperfectly, just however it turns out. I'm going to allow myself to make errors, if you even want to call them that. I'm not going to strive to be perfect anymore and I'm going to be constantly aware of that and catch myself doing it. 

Vive la vie!

It's very exhausting to have to be perfect all the time. It wears you out emotionally. You have to be a very strong person to carry the load. My therapist says that I'm a strong and courageous person. I have to believe that because she doesn't have to say that. I don't think she says it to make me feel better. I assume they aren't empty words. 

This is something I share with you that I don't share on my other blog. I feel more comfortable saying it here. I have to be more perfect on my other blog. I have to keep up appearances there. It's not that I don't like my other blog. It serves its purpose too. I do have to have a public self. Everybody has to. We all have to function outside in the big world.

Well, it's rime to move on to other things. Be good.

Ciao,

http://irenesieders.typepad.com/irenes-dutch-diva-blog/

Chasing away the black dog...

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence. 

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face. 

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen. 

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore. 

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them. 

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all. 

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that. 

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it. 

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora