Not normal...

It's okay if I don't feel normal right now because it's perfectly understandable under the circumstances. It's because I have no nicotine entering my brain. That's why I feel so flaked out most of the time. I just read it on the website that helps you quit smoking.

I thought it was about time that I went there. I had read the booklet a few times, but I hadn't been to the website yet and it turned out to be a cornucopia of information. Did you know that by now all the nicotine is already out of my body? It is two days after you stop smoking. And after you stop using the patches, of course. It's been four days since I did.

This is my brain on no nicotine. This is where I got in trouble the last time, so I have to watch it, but I think I already was hypo-manic on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I got that behind me. These past days I've been sleepy and flaky. The thing I do best is take the dog for walks. It's the least complicated thing I can do. If I didn't know better I'd think I was mentally challenged.

It also said that my taste and smelling abilities should be vastly improved, but I haven't noticed that so much, although they probably already had since January the 24th when I officially quit. I had expected more of it. I guess I was expecting to be overwhelmed by smells that would transport me back to the past and that hasn't happened a lot. I can't say that things taste all that wonderful either. It's not like there's an angel peeing on my tongue.

Maybe these abilitites will return later or not at all. Maybe they're permanently impaired.

All the carbom monoxide is gone from my body too. I'm thrilled about that. That was plain poison, of course. It's been replaced by pure oxygen. Or as clean as it is in the air around here with all the traffic. I should live in the country where the air is cleaner. Ha, I wish.

I'm constantly running out of things to blog about. I don't know what else to add. I think maybe I had better go to bed.

Ciao,
Irene

Finally, in the end...

I will write a blog post if it's the last thing I do. I have tried it several times in the last few days but always got discouraged and deleted them. I felt I had nothing news worthy to say and that all my words amounted to nothing at all. I will now make an honest attempt to finish writing one and put some effort into it. I won't get discouraged after just two paragraphs. 

I'm sitting here late at night hoping that I will not have another sleepless one like I've had for the past few nights. The lack of sleep has plain worn me out and I have been unable to take naps during the day to make up for it. It's been a real bother and I have gotten wired as a result, but tonight I am at least a bit more mellow and relaxed  so that bodes well. I may just be able to go to sleep later. 

I have been keeping myself occupied during the sleepless hours with Facebook which I rejoined after a  year long sabbatical. I'm as hooked as I ever was, it is so addictive. There are some new features that make it more attractive to use and, of course, that makes matters worse. I feel that I should go to Facebook Anonymous and make a confession. "Hi, my name is Nora and I'm a Facebook addict."

It's plain ridiculous, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it again. It's just a phase I'm going through. It has to do with temporarily having to miss my daughter. I'm taking that kind of hard and I can't wait for her to come back from Italy. I'm unsettled as a result of it. I'm completely off my 'a propos.'

That's why it's so important that I sit here and write this completely normal post. I need to do something very standard so that I will feel as normal as possible. I need to tell you that I will have a glass of ice cold milk in a little while to quench my thirst and to get me ready for bed. If I don't do that, I will stay lost in the confusion.

Of course, I have nothing left to write about now. There are things I can't tell you because they concern other people and I'm not at liberty to talk about them, although they do effect me. That's my dilemma. It's tough, but that's the way it is. A lot more would become clear to you.

I hope you're all well. 

Ciao,

Nora

Switching to a more normal gear...

is what I'm going to attempt to do anyway. I was already in bed, but couldn't sleep, so I got up again and had something to eat. I think I was just plain hungry and now I'm digesting my food. The thing is that I'd already taken my sleeping pill, so I'm slightly drowsy. I've made some coffee to wake me up and I'm drinking the first cup now. I should be right as rain in no time, but I always say that, don't I? 

If anything, I'm predictable. I'm also yawning something awful, but I enjoy being in this state. Well, I think I do...

Life's been treating me okay, but I have nothing exciting to write about and that's why I haven't written any posts lately. I don't have anything exciting to report now either, but I'll try to put some coherent thoughts down. I'll need another cup of coffee to do that effort justice. I need more caffeine to shake the drowsiness. 

I'm getting a little more clearheaded already. I think between the nicotine and the caffeine, my mind is being forced into wakefulness. My addictions force me into action. I'm grateful to the effect of both of them, but not to the addictions themselves. I wish every day to be without them. 

I wish to be on a deserted island for a year and to become medicine and addiction free. I imagine that very often and realize that at first I would have a very tough time. It would be a time of madness that I would have to get through, but afterwards I would be the true me without chemicals. Maybe I should check into a rehab clinic.

That's so much wishful thinking. 

I like being clearheaded much better the way I am now after my second cup of coffee. I'm not drowsy anymore and I've stopped yawning. My head's on straight and my thoughts are coherent. I could definitely pass for a normal person.

I let the dog out back and stood in the cold night air by the back door. It was very refreshing to say the least. The almost full moon was shining and it was a bright night. I could see everything and I'm chilled all the way through. It's nice to be back inside because it's comfortable in here. But it's a good thing that I'm wearing my bathrobe and socks because I need them. I do so very easily feel cold. 

It's officially Friday, so it is one of my favorite days. I have to get up early in the morning because the Exfactor will be here to do some groceries for me first thing. He wants to get an early start. I'll have to set the alarm clock when I go back to bed. I will try to drink some coffee and get dressed before he gets here. It's always a good idea to be wide awake when receiving a visitor. Even when it is someone as familiar as the Exfactor who won't mind if I'm in a stupor. I'll mind.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day when you get up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Chasing away the black dog...

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence. 

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face. 

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen. 

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore. 

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them. 

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all. 

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that. 

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it. 

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

A tale before bedtime...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off because I'm drinking ice cold milk and hadn't been smart enough to put my bathrobe on first. It does make a difference if you do and I'm now waiting to start warming up again. 

It isn't really that cold in here, despite the fact that the bedroom windows are open still and that it's an autumn night outside. It was just my body suddenly cooling down after I had sat here quite comfortably in my pajamas for a while drinking coffee. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up with a perspiring head and wet hair. That's a side effect of the medication increase, I know now. I used to think that it was because I was in the menopause, but I think I've got that well behind me.  At my age I should be. I'm not having hot flashes during the day. 

This is the second night that I only took one tranquilizer and if anything, I feel even more normal now. I most definitely don't feel under the influence of anything, although doubtlessly I still am. But what I take now is so little compared to what I used to take that it's bound to make a major difference.

After I had been up in the middle of the night the night before last, I only slept for a while longer and got up fairly early in the morning. I didn't take my usual nap all day and also didn't feel the need to drink a lot of coffee. I was pretty alert all on my own and in a good mood. 

I started fading after dinner yesterday and went to bed early. I had clean sheets on the bed and that was a sheer pleasure. I put my head down on the pillows and pulled the duvet up to my shoulders and was asleep pretty quickly after that.

Now I'm yawning and tired, which I wasn't the night before last. I think I will go to bed shortly and have myself some proper sleep.

I wore my cowboy boots yesterday with my skinny jeans and felt like a regular tough broad. I liked walking the dog and stomping around in them. It made me feel as if I was making a statement. Especially since I was wearing my leather jacket also. Accessories make the woman. 

Have a good day when you wake up. 

Ciao,

Nora