Friday, July 31, 2009

Rapid Cycling.

What is happening, of course, is that I am rapid cycling in about one week intervals with some daily ups and downs as well. I should have recognized these cycles for what they were much sooner, instead of floundering around like a drowning person, but as I said before, sometimes I am slow on the uptake and don't see the obvious when it is staring me right in the face. And all that sleeping I did for a couple of days was my system telling me we were in for another change in the cycle. It's all so clear by now, that I should know this by heart, but I fumble the ball every time and drag everybody in my drama with me as if none of us know that I do this repeatedly. Apparently, I don't do it often enough for it to be a clear and concise set of behavior, so I want to make it very clear right now, so none of us forget it.

Rapid cycling is a repeated change of mood over a specific period of time that can be as short as a day or a week or a month. A change of mood would be going from a very upbeat and positive mood to a very downbeat and depressed mood for no really obvious reason, although it can be triggered by a minuscule little incident, and then having this cycle repeated several times over, or endlessly over and over again.

So, anyway, that is what's been happening with me and it got triggered about a month and a half ago by an incident involving my first ex husband, which I won't go into here, but which caused me to have many flashbacks to my first marriage and my life in the States and the memories weren't pleasant. My SPN says that I haven't been the same since then and I can believe it, because even writing about it this way is very disagreeable to me.

So let's forget all that and get on to other things.

I went to my appointment with the head therapist yesterday afternoon, only to get there and find out that she was sick, so no appointment. She won't be back until Monday at the earliest and I may be able to talk to her then. It was all a bit frustrating and I don't know what to do now. I feel I need this break, yet I also feel that I'm supposed to go to therapy. I really just want to stay home and do chores,

I got some things done yesterday and made some crucial phone calls too. The Exfactor really helped me out and did the grocery shopping for me, which was great, as I did the dishes and dusted the living room while he did that. I need to sweep the floors and vacuum the rug and my bedroom today and the furniture, which is always a job and a half.

I'm seeing Von this afternoon at our regular café and I'm hoping I'll be good company.

Yesterday afternoon I suddenly fell to pieces and ended up sleeping on the sofa until bedtime and then had something to eat and went straight to bed, I think. It's rather vague to me. Blame it on my Alzheimer. No, blame it on my pills.

So, either way, I've got to get my act together this morning and get some stuff done. Get some shit done, I really wanted to write and I just did.

I had the Exfactor buy me some Brie, but it was overripe and some of it didn't taste very good and I threw it away. You win some and you lose some. I didn't want to get sick with some kind of botulism or whatever it is you get from an overripe soft French cheese. I was very suspicious of it. Somebody tell me what you get from eating an overripe soft French cheese, please, that looks suspicious.

I do have wonderful bread with poppy seeds and light mayonnaise and very good salami, so I'm very happy with that. I also have various packages of Knorr soup and extra vermicelli to put in it.

Oh, I have lost 8,5 kilos and had made a miscalculation when i said I had almost lost 9, that should have been 8 kilos. So now I'm going for 9 kilos. I'll let you know when I've lost 9,5. I have about 6 kilos left to lose. Pudgy me!

Have a wonderful day!



Maggie May said...

It must be awful never knowing how you are going to be feeling from one day to the next. However, I do think you are getting some inkling of the patterns.
I hope you get on a more even keel very soon.
I have a gut feeling that you should keep some of your therapies rather than quit altogether, which you could regret when your mood lifts.

It is more sunny here today & we are going to the sea today. Hope you also can share this warmer, brighter weather.

Unless you are pregnant, I don't think you need to worry about French soft cheese! There is a risk to unborn babies...... is it salmonella?

Hope the day lifts your mood & that you have a lovely time with your good friend Von. X

Babaloo said...

Sometimes I think none of us know how we're going to be feeling from one day to the next. Granted, our differences in mood may not be so extreme as you describe yours sometimes. But still, everyone's feelings and moods depend on so many things, most of them tiny ones that we don't even consciously perceive.

Clearly you have more extreme mood swings than I'm talking about here but please don't think you're on your own. Everyone has moods and sometimes we don't know what caused them either.

On a different note, I think it's listeria that you can get from any unpasteurised cheese but that's a very remote chance. Don't think it's any more likely if the cheese is very ripe but not sure. If you didn't like the taste, then get rid of it. (You did already, I know.)

Pity you didn't get to see that therapist. Fingers crossed that she's back to work next week.

Enjoy your meeting with Von and have a good afternoon!

Wisewebwoman said...

Enjoy your outing with Von, I'll be with you - in spirit at least!!
Yes, I hear you on the cycling, all the signs were there, particularly the disinterest in surroundings.
Have a cappucino for me.

Frances said...

hope the meeting with Von raises your spirits and that you see some interesting men... haha!

aims said...

Having been away for a lot of time recently I've missed your daily posts and couldn't see the spiraling.

I will be more attentive if I can Irene. One needs others to help as much as possible if they can.

Maureen said...

Hope you had a great afternoon with Von... It is good that you can see not only your mood swings, but now the reason behind them.

I hope you find a balance soon. Take care,