Tuesday, November 03, 2009

How to not do it!

I had to see my SPN at 11 am. So at 10:15 am I laid down on the sofa for just a minute, only to wake up at 11:15 to the phone ringing. It was my SPN, of course. I had done it again. Missed another appointment. So we had an appointment over the telephone and I told her that I was not going to go those activating classes, with which news I kind of stumped her and she asked me to explain myself, which I did. She said that was all well and good, but that she worried about me not having any activities at all, especially not in the wintertime. That's when I brought up the activities that her clinic was organizing itself and she said, "But yes, those are real tough activities, those are for people who have not had any yet and who really need help." And I said, "Well, I really need help, because I was really not done with my daytime therapies yet, I am being forced to quit, I am not stopping out of my own free will."

(There's a long story that goes with why the patients from my psychiatric clinic can no longer go to the therapies at the psychiatric hospital and are being forced to quit before their time is up, but I won't go into that here. It all has to do with money.)

My SPN said that we would have to discuss it with my psychiatrist and I mentioned that I had an appointment with him next Monday and she said she would try to be there for it also, so we would be able to discuss it together.

I won't count on anything, but I'm not going to those classes, my mind is made up about that.

Well, just to show you I'm not out of the woods yet, I just took another Temazepam to calm my nerves. I feel I am teetering on the edge. I will have to go to sleep again to handle these tough times. I will get my book and lie down on the sofa, which is my second home. I think I'm rapid cycling and I need to go to sleep.



Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I wouldn't feel bad about going to sleep like that. With the extra meds you're taking it's not surprising.

I hope your psychiatrist will find something else for you to do.

The big worry is about them not being able to offer you anything else. I can very much understand that worry - I've been there myself when things I was doing have ended and nothing else has been put in place.

I wish that you (with support) had been able to go and visit each of those new classes while they were happening without actually having to take part yourself. Just to look in on them and see what the set up was, who was there and what they were doing. Meet the teacher etc. And THEN have made a decision based on that.

I was many years ago when I was in a very bad state (god! even worse than now!) offered a weekly class doing printing. I had zero confidence and hadn't done any art for some time. So before I was asked to make a decision I visited the class with my key worker and we just sat there for at least an hour and chatted to the teacher and the other people doing the class. The teacher spent time showing me the type of work I could do etc. It really helped calm my nerves and I decided to do it. I really struggled to get there every week. But slowly my confidence did improve.

I'm only saying all this because I'm worried for you. I do fully respect the decision you have made and your feelings on the matter. You are very savvy about what you need and what will help.

The worst aspect of this is not knowing until next Monday what they will say. It really gets to me when we are reliant on others to make decisions that have such a big impact. And also that these decisions are often based on what finances are available rather than the needs of patients.

Hope you are able to find some calmness very soon.

Thinking of you,
Bearfriend (((Hugs))) xx

Maggie May said...

I hope something can be done Nora and that you will feel better again soon.X

Nuts in May

aims said...

I'm so sorry my friend. Life seems to be crowding around you in all sorts of ways that feel negative.

I agree that you should go with your gut feelings. We know ourselves. We do. People can't tell us differently and make us believe that.

Stick to your decision. Chin up and a firm no is what you need to do. You'll feel like shit if you're dragged there kicking and screaming and it won't help in any way. Some things just don't work like the therapists want them to.

As for staying at home and wondering what to do. You have your paper, paints, pens. Get to it. Draw - doodle - even rip up the paper and reglue it in a different manner putting colours all wiggly piggly.

Just don't sit and internalize. If you can't face going out - be creative inside. You have that creativeness - it shouts out loud and clear.

Take your rapid cycling and put it into your hands and let it come out.

And for goodness sake - put those slippers I made you on your feet first thing in the morning. I couldn't bear the thought of my friend being cold. That's what they are there for.

I'm here. I'm good - I can listen.

your friend

Gail said...

Hang on!

VioletSky said...

Now I feel bad for sleeping through you other previous posts. Don't know why my body wants to sleep 18 hours a day....

Anyway, you sound very determined now and probably feel much better for having made a decision. I hope the talk goes well - and in your favour - on Monday.

Lucky Dip Lisa said...

Having one child with 'special'education needs and one with a physical disability I am way to familiar with hipocratic and idiotic systems....but perhaps I won't go into that. Good on you for standing your ground! I hope they listen!

Stacie said...

I have just gotten out of a bad time where medicines were definitely needed to calm my nerves. I was changing medication and it seemed the world was coming a part. For most of October I was out of commission, just barely getting things done for my kids and husband. Sometimes not getting things done at all. Hang in there and I'm thinking of you!

laurie said...

here's hoping they listen. you know what you can handle. and yes, money tends to drive an awful lot of decisions. i hope this one works out well for you.

and sleep as much as you need! i've read your posts long enough to know that sometimes you need a lot of sleep, sometimes you're up at 3 a.m. go with your rhythms. your body knows what it's doing.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Hi Stacie, I feel like I am in a similar situation you were in. I find my stability in taking tranquilizers and sleep medications, otherwise I'm not going to make it. I'm quite easily upset and of my equilibrium. Stress is for me a four letter word that sets my hair on end and my nerves too. And oh, so very easily. I hope to come through this with flying colors, but I appreciate the fact that you're thinking about me. Thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

Take care of yourself, Irene. I don't like reading about you feeling like this, there should be more support for you out there.

It's always about money, it's bloody disgusting how money takes over people's lives and the authorities just sit back and do nothing to help.

CJ xx

Maureen said...

I do hope you get it all sorted out. Good to hear you have a good SPN and doc. Take care.