Delaying tactics...

I was already laying in bed when I realized I wasn't really tired and couldn't fall asleep. I was just basically laying there for the coziness and to listen to the radio. I decided those were not good enough reasons to stay in bed and got up again and put my bathrobe on. I will try again later when I'm truly sleepy. When I really, really want to go to bed. 

Now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, but I'm not going to make the mistake I made last night and drink a pot of it. I will switch to a glass of milk on time so as not to get too wired and cause myself a sleepless night. I learned that lesson the hard way and I don't want a repeat of the day I had today in which I rapid cycled. That was no pleasure. Luckily, I was able to fix that with some extra anti-psychotic medication when I finally thought of it. 

I'm fine now and I'm calm again, although I have to say that everything is precarious and I'm aware of that now and I realize that I mustn't push my luck. I have a tendency to do everything to extremes and I mustn't do that. I will not stay up until the wee hours and do complicated things that require a lot of mental energy and emotional input. The desire is there, but I will have to ignore it and not give into it. I want each night to be an adventure in contrast to my relatively dull days. 

I have to be my own guardian and monitor my own behavior and do the things that are sensible, much as I don't like to do them sometimes. It's so much nicer to give into an impulsive idea and let it happen and not think about the consequences. Today should have been a lesson to me that I should not forget and I can't pretend that it wouldn't happen again the same way. It's no laughing matter when you get suicidal thoughts because you're rapid cycling. 

I have a great desire to keep playing with the design and names of my blogs. I think possibly I'm not satisfied enough with the way things are now. I think they are too tame and ordinary. I'm striving for a form of perfection without knowing if I will achieve it. I can't leave well enough alone. It must represent a basic dissatisfaction I have with my life that I'm projecting onto my blogs. If my blogs are perfect, my life will be too. 

It's a small psychological insight that's not going to help me much. It's not going to get me over my urge and desire. Only some amount of sensibility is and sometimes that is hard to find. When it is nighttime anyway. At night I always have great desires and lots of plans. It's when my head is in the clouds and my feet aren't firmly planted on the ground.

It's not quite bedtime yet. I don't yet feel the urge to go to sleep. I want to prevent myself from waking up in the middle of the night because then I'll really be in trouble. The Exfactor is going to be here in the morning to do the groceries and I have appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN early in the afternoon, so I have to be in good shape.

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Done sleeping now.

I slept all morning and I just slept several hours on the sofa and I think I'm finally done sleeping now, because now I feel in a good mood and it is the first time today that I do. I tried to write a post earlier, but I was so depressed that I had to stop writing in case it became one big lament. I was just in need of sleep, except that I didn't realize it. I thought I had gotten all my sleep in the morning.

You see, not enough sleep always bothers me tremendously, but who's to say what is enough sleep in my case? It may have to be many hours before I've had enough. Whenever I don't feel that I'm in a very good mood, the first thing I ought to do is go back to sleep, but even I forget to do that, because I think I've already had enough. When I start feeling depressed, I ought to go to sleep and sleep for at least several hours before I wake up and feel in a good mood again.

That's why I think I'm not doing all that great right now and that's why I need so much sleep. It can possibly be because of the weather which has been gloomy. I claim it doesn't bother me, but maybe subconsciously it does. I always say that I like it when it is cool, but maybe these gray skies and little sunshine aren't so good for me. I don't know if you react to the weather that much and I would be curious to hear. Do you need to sleep as much?

It's been tough to motivate myself to get things done, but I did manage to do the dishes and do a load of laundry. I also went around and picked up handfuls of dog hair, because Tyke is shedding a bit. I cleaned up my desk and changed the bed last night and slept between clean sheets. I even went to the gas station at noontime and picked up cigarettes and a Mars candy bar. It was delicious. I almost never do that and Tyke was very sad that I didn't share it with him.

I have to clean the lower parts of the living room windows where the cats have been breathing on them in their effort to see what's happening in the street. Luckily, Tyke doesn't dirty them anymore. He can only stand on his hind legs to look through them. It's quite funny to see him standing there. He looks like a little person looking out the window and his head just sticks out above the windowsill. He can't breathe on the glass anymore.

I just took him for a walk and the sky is still very cloudy and gray. It looks like it is going to rain, but it doesn't and it's cold too. You need a cardigan and a jacket and I wear a scarf. I've also got leggings on and my boots. I was dressed for a day in March.

I'm going to get my pajamas on early and make myself comfortable. Oh yes, first I have to take out the trash and the green bin. I must not forget that. I have the need to sleep again, but I'm going to wait until it is a decent hour to go to bed. I do want to stick to some sort of normal schedule. Well, whatever counts for normal around here. I'm yawning something awful, though, and I'm sure that if I were to lie down on the sofa now, I would be sound asleep again in no time. So I better not go there.

Alright, so I better go and take out the trash and then put on my pajamas. I've got to make it cozy for myself.

Have a good evening, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

Cleavage!

The first thing I did this morning after I wrote my post, was pay the bills. This was less of a stressful job than I had anticipated (it always is) and I was done quickly. I pay them all on line, so it is easy to do. I was able to pay back a loan, so that made me feel real good. It's always nice when you don't have that hanging over your head anymore.

I was feeling tired despite my efforts to stay awake and to want to do chores. I made myself a cup of coffee but it was all in vain. I had to go back to bed. Just as I was about to, the package of clothes arrived. I was so tired that I didn't even open it, but put it down on the chair in my bedroom and went sound to sleep.

I woke up at noontime from the telephone ringing. It was my sister who wanted to go take the dogs for a walk. I said I was not coherent yet and that I would call her back and smoked a cigarette. Then I opened the package with clothes and got dressed. I tried on a bra first and it fit well and to my great pleasure, I had cleavage. That's what you get when you have the right cup size. I tried on one of the sundresses and it fit too and showed my cleavage really well. Lol.

I put on leggings and a cardigan and my boots and was ready to go. I called my sister and told her so. We met in the street and went for a walk. It was cold outside and there were dark gray clouds overhead. We didn't wander too far from home, because it really looked threatening. We were walking around the field in front of her house when the first splatters of rain came down and we hurried home as quick as we could. I had to drag Tyke with me because he wanted to stop and sniff everywhere.

When we got home, it was just about time for the match between the Netherlands and Japan, so I watched that. It was okay, nothing really noteworthy and the Netherlands won with 1-0. I keep getting ready to see some very exciting football, but I'm not seeing it. I probably have my hopes up too much. People were making all sorts of predictions about the outcome, but 1-0 is really a meager score. You'd think the Netherlands could do better than that.

After the game, I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for a few hours. Tyke slept on the other end. I don't know what it is with me and sleeping lately, but I can't seem to get enough of it. I've heard, though, that more people are bothered by it, so it may have something to do with the weather. The cold dreariness may make us want to hibernate.

Of course, I haven't done a thing in the apartment. All of my chores are left undone. Do I care? Not very much, but I have to get them done tomorrow. The place has to be in good shape when the domestic help gets here Monday afternoon. I don't want her to think that I'm a messy person. She probably already thinks that after cleaning up my dirty apartment. I do want to make a good second impression. I don't want her to think that I'm a hopeless case.

I'm already looking forward to going to bed in a few hours. I can't wait to get under the covers. I probably will change the sheets before I get in, because it will be so nice and clean and good smelling. That will make going to bed extra special. I hope I sleep for a long time. I will get my pajamas and bathrobe on in a minute and hang out behind the computer for a while. I have to visit blogs and answer emails.

Have a good rest of the evening or rest of the day. It is dry here now, but there are many threatening clouds. It's kind of cozy inside.

Ciao,
Nora

This is silly....

This is silly. I just wrote a post and now I feel like writing another one. It must be because I'm in such a good mood and want to convey that to the world and you are my willing and captive audience, but by all means, go read the other post too.

It may also be that I don't want to do another thing, but sit here behind the computer while it is chilly and gray outside and the dog lies snoring on his blanket and makes it sound so cozy in here. Several cats are laying around, curled up, sound asleep, and add to the coziness of the scene. We're looking like a scene out of a novel about a woman who lives with her dog and several cats in her cozy, though somewhat messy apartment. A painting should be made of this. The title should be, "Woman in Gray on a Rainy Afternoon." It will sell for millions and I will get a commission.

I wish I could write my own biography, but because I am not talented and objective enough, I wish for a very good writer to come along and through many interviews and long discussions, write it for me instead. I would so like to see the story of my life on paper and it wouldn't have to be the cleaned up version either. I would disclose all the skeletons in my closet and explain every move I made. It would be an exposure that would make Virginia Woolf proud, if she could know about it in the hereafter.

At one time I had the secret ambition to go on the stage, though by nature I am a shy person, but it appealed to me to put on a different persona and emote out of the feelings of that person and really put the drama and the comedy and the tragedy into it. I could imagine myself boldly stepping onto the stage and speaking my lines as if they were my own words and having those feelings as if they were my own and throwing all my passion into them.

Even though I am mostly a subdued person in real life, I still have that longing to emote and dramatize and to make life bigger than it is in reality and to put on a big show in which I say profound things and have much body language and grand gestures and a loud voice that fills the space I'm in. I wish to be like a diva and have all the attention focused on me, without becoming a spoiled brat.

I want to stand on a stage and have a large audience applaud me for a long time and shout and whistle and toss flowers at my feet and then go to my dressing room and have chocolates and champagne and admirers, both male and female, and be showered by accolades. What a heady thing that would be.

You see how I have this desire for attention and fame, while in my real life nothing even comes close. The only thing in which I stand out is the way I dress and that is an attention getter. It's my token gesture to what I really want.

Liv Ullman, Ingrid Bergman, Katherine Hepburn and Meryl Streep are my big role models. I would wish to be like them, so ultimately in control of my craft. Strong women who stride through life with big paces. Who command attention by their very personalities.

So, now you know about my secret wishes. There are probably more. The other night I had a dream about a man who I fell in love with. He came from Tibet and had a very good soul, because he was like a Buddhist monk and meditated often. There were other men in that dream. Western capitalistic men, but I chose him because of his inner peace. To me that means that I know the quality of the man I'm looking for. Well, I'm not actively looking, but if I run across him, I'll know.

I am very much attracted to Buddhism and meditating, but I don't know if I possess the qualities to do those things well. I may cheat and try to find shortcuts. It must be very difficult to sit quietly for one hour in one position and to not want to smoke a cigarette, but I think one day I will find a guru, someone who can take me by the hand and lead me through the process. I do want to have a Higher Experience, to go somewhere towards a Higher Being and be one with it. If only for a short time. Or repeated short times.

Now you know another secret. I am like the Book of the Apocalypse here. All will be known.

I have to walk the dog now. We're completely off schedule because of the rain, which hasn't really stopped for most of the day. Sometimes it's just a little more than a heavy mist and then it gets serious again. I think it has stopped now, so I must take the opportunity.

Ciao...

Evening Laissez Faire.

We are all very cozy here with our stomachs full of food and our bodies warmed up to the proper temperatures and what is better than to sit here and share the feeling of pleasure with all of you who sit in your own homes, maybe with equally full stomachs and the same feelings of pleasure. The Überhund has been walked and there is no cat in sight and I am wearing a new pair of socks and leggings that I bought at the super discount store today for an apple and an egg. One size fits all and that included even me.

This apple and egg store is right around the corner from me and they practically give their merchandise away, so it is always a good thing to pop in there and see what's available. These leggings, of which I bought two, are black and have a pattern in them and look quite sexy with my black mini skirt. Or so I tell myself and I can easily talk myself into these things, having such high regard of myself and my taste for clothes. I can easily fool myself into thinking that I am a good looking woman from the top of my head down to my toes, while I know that's not really true, but I say, "Soit," and blow raspberries.

The whole trick of femininity is to believe that you are very and exude it, even if you are imperfect in your proportions and your features. You have to dress as if you have the best figure in town and as if each feature and shape is a virtue and not in any way something you ought to be ashamed off. That doesn't mean you should be caught in a bikini if it is going to lay bare all your worst assets, because you want to conceal them and not draw attention to them, but it isn't necessary to dismiss yourself if you're full figured and wear a potato sack instead of modern hip clothing. You wouldn't believe what you can get away with wearing, providing it's the right size for you. Don't wear sweat pants and a T-shirt to hide yourself in, that's the biggest turn off.

And for god's sake, get a good haircut and keep it up to date and wear make up and a good perfume. It will make you loveable and attractive and give your ego an enormous boost. Remember, you're doing it for yourself in the first place, so you can be a goddess of your realm. The rest will follow automatically.

Listen to me, giving you a lecture on this, but I am such a firm believer in it. I hate to see women let themselves go down the drain. It's not expensive to look good, if I can do it, then so can you.

End of lecture.

I've discovered twittering, or I should say, I have rediscovered it, because I had an account for a long time, but never used it. Today I started following a bunch of people and I hope they start following me. I hope they do, but in the meantime some other people have joined me, so I am not alone out there. I am not going to twitter via my mobile phone, that would be a little bit too crazy for me, but I'll twitter when I am on the computer. I am following some celebs and some politicians and I am following Barack Obama and he is following me. That means I can send messages to him directly. It's an interesting thing, this twittering. I'll let you know what I think about it in the long run.

Okay, It's pajama time again. Time to curl up and really get cozy. Maybe I'll have another snack, because it's Saturday night. Oh, I can look forward to that already.

Have a good evening, wherever you end up falling asleep.

Ciao...

High Chapperal.

It's rained nonstop all afternoon. The Überhund and I finally just had to go out in it and not wait any longer, because he did have to go, so there we went, I not in proper rain gear and he huddling close to the houses in effort to try and stay dry. He piddled against everybody's walls. Nobody saw him do it. He did finally have to go out on the field and do a poop and he was quite miserable out there in the rain. We walked as quickly as we could in order to get home faster. He was as relieved as I was when we got to the front door. Now he is sound asleep on his blanket again, which is his normal state of being.

Then a huge weariness fell over me and I cuddled up on the sofa and slept for two hours and I tell you, I felt like a reborn human being when I woke up, because before I was just starting to slide down a slippery slope a bit, feeling a little sorry for myself and being ever so slightly moody, but that nap restored me completely, so that's all it took. The alarm clock woke me up, because it was time for my 6 o'clock medication, otherwise I might still have been asleep.

Thank goodness I remembered to go to sleep and to not stubbornly hang on and make things difficult for myself, for I easily could have mistaken it for a rapid cycle and be very far away from home in a pit of despair that I couldn't see my way out off, which is what happened regularly in the past and brought me all sorts of troubles.

Of course, there is no one here to argue my irrational point of view with and I only have myself to consult and that does simplify things. No one gets in the way of the actions that I need to undertake to make conditions better for myself and I don't owe anyone an apology when I do and no drama is made of it. It's all very simple. I feel bad and go to sleep and wake up and feel better. No arguments, no explanations, no dramas, no aftermath, no discussions. And I don't feel crazy.

I have just taken the Überhund out again and it was windy and cold and wet. Shivering kind of weather that makes you long for a fireplace. Unluckily, I have no such thing in the apartment, but you can buy electric ones that look like it, alas, I have no room for one. Instead, I have put on my pajamas and bathrobe and slippers and made myself cozy that way.

I see that I have to go to the store for some things that I am running out of. I am eating more mackerel and sardines than I anticipated and I have to buy more crackers. I buy the fish in olive oil and don't drain the tins before I eat the fish, figuring the oil is good for me and makes the fish less dry to eat. So I will have to get more of them.

I want to buy breakfast crackers called Cracottes which are long rectangular shaped airy crackers on which you can put any kind of sandwich topping. You eat them instead of bread, but they are easier for me to eat. I should have bought them right away instead of the rusk toast, which is too tempting to eat a lot of, because they go down so very easy and the dog likes them too, so we have rusk toast eating parties.

I went to the volunteer network on line and registered and then found what I thought was a challenging volunteer job, so I sent away for information on it. Soon I was contacted by the coordinators with the details and who to get in touch with, but when I got to that stage, I got stage fright and realized that I was not nearly ready for the amount of responsibility that the job required and I got every worried about it and saw myself failing before I had even started. I know I'm not ready for anything as big as this and it will get me into trouble, so I bowed out gracefully and will try for something very simple. I did take an aptitude test and it showed that I should do administrative work.

I am very worried about what I am going to do once my therapies end and I hope I can find something that suits me and that will not scare the living daylights out of me, like that training I started a year and a half ago and I started rapid cycling something awful. I went from one extreme mood to another in one day every day and it was scary and exhausting.

I am not at all suited for regular participation in this world. My stress threshold is very low and I react to it by becoming very chaotic and instable. I can't handle the demands that are put on me in what other people would consider normal situations. I may seem very calm and competent to people on the outside under good conditions, but when things get tough, I fall apart. It takes a lot of medicine to keep me up and going then. Until just recently, I took sleep medication during the day along with my tranquilizers to keep me calm and stress free.

That's why I get so upset when allusions are made to the therapies ending one day, because I know what hangs over my head. It's like the sword of Damocles ready to cleave me in half.

Well, on to happier thoughts. Tomorrow is creative therapy and I get to work on my third clay clay sculpture, which will be partly my own design. I'm quite excited about this and can't wait to get a proper start on it. The clay I'm using is very good and soft and malleable and goes every which way I push it. That wasn't the case with the clay for the second sculpture and I hope it bakes okay. I'd hate to see it shatter.

The Exfactor is coming over for coffee tomorrow afternoon and I will make sure I'm not exuberant and kiss him on his nose. God forbid! I'm afraid that with this kind of weather, I will not be able to meet my friend Von downtown, which is a shame. There is no way we can sit on a café terrace now for a cappuccino.

I am going to try and go downtown this weekend, though. I am so unhappy with my new glasses that I want the lenses of my new glasses put in my old original titanium frame. Those were the first glasses I had and I was the most happy with them, so that's what I've decided. Maybe then I'll wear them and be less vain about it.

Okay, it's time to put this baby to bed.

Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

Ciao...