Thursday, March 26, 2009

High Chapperal.

It's rained nonstop all afternoon. The Überhund and I finally just had to go out in it and not wait any longer, because he did have to go, so there we went, I not in proper rain gear and he huddling close to the houses in effort to try and stay dry. He piddled against everybody's walls. Nobody saw him do it. He did finally have to go out on the field and do a poop and he was quite miserable out there in the rain. We walked as quickly as we could in order to get home faster. He was as relieved as I was when we got to the front door. Now he is sound asleep on his blanket again, which is his normal state of being.

Then a huge weariness fell over me and I cuddled up on the sofa and slept for two hours and I tell you, I felt like a reborn human being when I woke up, because before I was just starting to slide down a slippery slope a bit, feeling a little sorry for myself and being ever so slightly moody, but that nap restored me completely, so that's all it took. The alarm clock woke me up, because it was time for my 6 o'clock medication, otherwise I might still have been asleep.

Thank goodness I remembered to go to sleep and to not stubbornly hang on and make things difficult for myself, for I easily could have mistaken it for a rapid cycle and be very far away from home in a pit of despair that I couldn't see my way out off, which is what happened regularly in the past and brought me all sorts of troubles.

Of course, there is no one here to argue my irrational point of view with and I only have myself to consult and that does simplify things. No one gets in the way of the actions that I need to undertake to make conditions better for myself and I don't owe anyone an apology when I do and no drama is made of it. It's all very simple. I feel bad and go to sleep and wake up and feel better. No arguments, no explanations, no dramas, no aftermath, no discussions. And I don't feel crazy.

I have just taken the Überhund out again and it was windy and cold and wet. Shivering kind of weather that makes you long for a fireplace. Unluckily, I have no such thing in the apartment, but you can buy electric ones that look like it, alas, I have no room for one. Instead, I have put on my pajamas and bathrobe and slippers and made myself cozy that way.

I see that I have to go to the store for some things that I am running out of. I am eating more mackerel and sardines than I anticipated and I have to buy more crackers. I buy the fish in olive oil and don't drain the tins before I eat the fish, figuring the oil is good for me and makes the fish less dry to eat. So I will have to get more of them.

I want to buy breakfast crackers called Cracottes which are long rectangular shaped airy crackers on which you can put any kind of sandwich topping. You eat them instead of bread, but they are easier for me to eat. I should have bought them right away instead of the rusk toast, which is too tempting to eat a lot of, because they go down so very easy and the dog likes them too, so we have rusk toast eating parties.

I went to the volunteer network on line and registered and then found what I thought was a challenging volunteer job, so I sent away for information on it. Soon I was contacted by the coordinators with the details and who to get in touch with, but when I got to that stage, I got stage fright and realized that I was not nearly ready for the amount of responsibility that the job required and I got every worried about it and saw myself failing before I had even started. I know I'm not ready for anything as big as this and it will get me into trouble, so I bowed out gracefully and will try for something very simple. I did take an aptitude test and it showed that I should do administrative work.

I am very worried about what I am going to do once my therapies end and I hope I can find something that suits me and that will not scare the living daylights out of me, like that training I started a year and a half ago and I started rapid cycling something awful. I went from one extreme mood to another in one day every day and it was scary and exhausting.

I am not at all suited for regular participation in this world. My stress threshold is very low and I react to it by becoming very chaotic and instable. I can't handle the demands that are put on me in what other people would consider normal situations. I may seem very calm and competent to people on the outside under good conditions, but when things get tough, I fall apart. It takes a lot of medicine to keep me up and going then. Until just recently, I took sleep medication during the day along with my tranquilizers to keep me calm and stress free.

That's why I get so upset when allusions are made to the therapies ending one day, because I know what hangs over my head. It's like the sword of Damocles ready to cleave me in half.

Well, on to happier thoughts. Tomorrow is creative therapy and I get to work on my third clay clay sculpture, which will be partly my own design. I'm quite excited about this and can't wait to get a proper start on it. The clay I'm using is very good and soft and malleable and goes every which way I push it. That wasn't the case with the clay for the second sculpture and I hope it bakes okay. I'd hate to see it shatter.

The Exfactor is coming over for coffee tomorrow afternoon and I will make sure I'm not exuberant and kiss him on his nose. God forbid! I'm afraid that with this kind of weather, I will not be able to meet my friend Von downtown, which is a shame. There is no way we can sit on a café terrace now for a cappuccino.

I am going to try and go downtown this weekend, though. I am so unhappy with my new glasses that I want the lenses of my new glasses put in my old original titanium frame. Those were the first glasses I had and I was the most happy with them, so that's what I've decided. Maybe then I'll wear them and be less vain about it.

Okay, it's time to put this baby to bed.

Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.



jeannette stgermain said...

The Cracotte sounds delicious - you're making me hungry (and I just ate!).
About the rapid cycling - since you have lived in the US - remember, you have to tell your doc that, because it sounds that if you do cycle rapidly, your meds. may need to be adjusted! Be brave, so you won't stay miserable Hugs, Jeannette

Maggie May said...

I like your new look blog.

You sound as though you are able to tell when things are amiss with your health. I think you are doing very well. No one likes indecision and stress of life can be hard to bear. Wish I had the answers. There always seems something to worry about in my life.

Sardines/pilchards & mackerel are very good for you. I heard that oats are supposed to make you feel better.

Sleep well tonight, Irene X

John said...

The title of this post put a smile on my face before reading one word.

Do you remember the TV show of the same name?

I also laughed at the cracker party refernce.

My best - my very best.

Catherine said...

Hang in there Irene, you are such an insightful person it is heartwarming and you seem to know your limits, no point in pushing yourself too much outside your comfort zone, I think panic attacks would describe how I have reacted in the past under stress, public speaking in certain situations would do it for me and then if I was comfortable with the situation and the audience I was fine, but it is sometimes hard to psyche yourself up for some new challenge if you aren't ready. I was intrigued by the title of your post - loved that programme as a kid - and your last post, Tipperary! Please enlighten me! By the way I replied to your comment on my post over at that post comments - thanks!

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Jeanette, my therapist knows when I rapid cycle and we adjust the medication as is needed, but sometimes the circumstances are the blame and an adjustment in them creates all the difference. Thank you for caring, I really appreciate it. Hugs to you too.

Maggie, after reading your remark about oats, I have made myself some hot oatmeal and am now waiting for it to cool off so I can eat it. Thank you.

John, I loved watching High Chaparral when I was a kid, I used to watch it together with my sisters. My best to you too.

Catherine, I was running out of titles to name my posts, so just started to use these arbitrary titles, maybe some day they will start to make sense.

I'll go over to read your comment on my comment. Thanks for your long comment here. I appreciate it very much. XXX

Wisewebwoman said...

The fish is very good for you Irene and I had to laugh at you and Jasker sharing the crackers.
Your self awareness is awesome, my friend!

Have you seen this man? said...

FTW: You are stronger than you think. Trust your instincts and keep on keeping on! Way to go Girl!

You're an example to all of us BP's

Take care and Stay Strong

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Mary, thank you for the compliment, that's how I take it anyway. Some days I grow by leaps and bounds. Some days I slide back down again. At least you're always there.

This Man, are you a BP'er too? Never would have guessed it. Thank you for having such faith in me. You keep writing those wonderful stories, you hear?

Jo Beaufoix said...

Oh it looks gorgeous here. We have mad wether in my part of the UK today. Rain, sunshine, wind and hail. I took the girls to the park and then we had to abandon the idea when dark clouds suddenly gathered and the heavens opened. It's bright sinshine again now!!

I had to pop straight over as your comment made me think. I'd not really seen it as an ad, but more as me getting some free cream and doing a couple of daft posts in exchange, but you're right, it is an ad really. I promise I haven't redeived payment, I've only done one paid review and I stated that in that post, but it will make me think twice about what I write about - in a good way I mean. Thanks lovely. x

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Jo, that's the kind of weather we've been having. The sun dared to be out the last few hours of the day.

As to the rest of your comment, see my response to your email.

Big Hug.

Gail said...

I have always wanted to work in clay. We have a type here on the farm that I have dabbled with but there are too many impurities in it and it cracks.
Some day...

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Gail, if you like to dabble in clay, maybe you should buy that self drying kind. It's very smooth and fun to work with. Just a random idea...XOX