Friday, July 17, 2009

Knowledge.

Since this morning I know why I suddenly went into a downward spiral and why I ended up cutting myself. It was because of me buying that new second hand bicycle.

When I first saw the bicycle I liked it right away, but I thought it was too expensive, even though it was the cheapest one there, and I left the store pretty much determined not to buy it. When I got home, doubt started to settle in and I thought that maybe I should buy that bike and that if I waited too long with making a decision, it would be gone and I wouldn't be able to afford any of the other ones.

So I called Eduard to ask him for advice and he said he would come the next day and have a look at it for me, but I said no, that if I was going to buy it, I was going to do it immediately.

With a great deal of trepidation, I transferred the money into my bank account and convinced myself that it was okay for me to buy that bike for myself. I felt very unsure about it and had to call on every bit of nerve that I had to get on the bus to the station and walk into the store to buy the bike. I didn't think I deserved anything as nice as that bike.

After I rode it home and parked it in the hallway, my nerves were highly strung and I felt very nervous and uneasy about having bought the bike and I could hardly look at it without feeling all sorts of guilt and other bad feelings. I thought, "Now you've done it, you fool."

It took me the rest of the evening to settle down and the next day I tried to push all the unpleasant feelings associated with the bike away and to only pretend that I was very happy with it. I pushed very hard against those feelings, but they kept nagging at me in the back of my mind subconsciously, making me feel uncomfortable and unsettled and uneasy until I ended up in a downward spiral, but when that happened, I didn't associate it with having bought the bike, because I had pushed away the unpleasant feelings and didn't make the connection.

My discomfort grew and grew and took on enormous proportions, until I cut myself. That brought me hours of relief and an opportunity to talk to my psychiatrist and have my medication changed. Finally, this morning, I was so calm that I could retrace the past week in my mind and make the connection and I had a real "Eureka" moment and suddenly felt a lot lighter about everything.

Since then I've had a conversation with my psychiatrist on the phone about this and he understood the situation immediately and said that it is not an isolated incident, but that it is probably something that happens often to me and that it is connected to my childhood and that the link can be laid there. He said I had given him very valuable information and that he was glad I called and that we would work on this in the future. In the meantime, I am to be aware of these feelings when they happen again and rather than push them away, I am supposed to feel them very consciously and acknowledge them and let them happen no matter how uncomfortable they are.

I hope this clarifies it to you as much as it has to me. Once I knew what had happened, I felt so much better. Suddenly there was no mystery anymore.

Ciao...

9 comments:

Babaloo said...

I'm glad you've got it figured out now. It must be quite a relief. Hopefully, the fact that you've figured it out will help you for future situations like this one.

You DO deserve the new bike, but I guess you already know that. You've just got to help your gut understand what your head already knows.

Hugs xxx

SugarCain said...

Irene, I did not know what comments to leave on the past few posts, but I must say that I certainly learned a lot. I have not had someone explain so clearly how the self-cutting helps. I have not used that solution, and I never really understood the attraction. Your candor teaches me something every day it seems. Thank you for being so open.

Jackie M. said...

kind of like the relationship I'm currently having with these particular pair of Chloe wedges.

Frances said...

You deserved the bike, you needed the bike and you were right to get it in every way.
No question and no need to punish yourself for it.
It wasn't a shopping spree for clothes you wouldn't wear or in the wrong size, it wasn't food you shouldn't eat - it was something practical that was going to help you get around safely and you are WORTH it.
Never never never think you are not worth anything. You are the best Irene you could possible be. You are so great in so many ways, you have survived so much and you don't need to have remorse for sensible decisions.
I won't agree with you about hurting yourself and I won't disagree.
Irene, other people who have lots of money still steal it and do fraud and get money from people who can't afford it - then spend it on frivolities. This was a serious and important purchase.
You are not well, but you are coping, you are doing your best and you are coming along so far.
Never punish yourself. Never believe you deserve punishment or pain. That is letting the damage of the past win.
Hugs

Maggie May said...

Irene, you KNOW that you deserved the bike. Your safety is of paramount importance. Don't forget how you fell off your old one several times if I remember correctly.
You must learn to think of yourself as being worthy of things.
I hope this has taught you that when really bad tension happens again, it is better to talk to someone about it than to cut. That is when you need to talk about things more than ever.

Glad you feel so calm Irene. Have a peaceful night X

laurie said...

amazing, and really brilliant of you to figure it out.

i hope you feel calm and OK about the bike now. you really did need it. and all of us are glad you have it. you'll be safe now, riding around town.

Gail said...

I want your bike! I deserve it!
I'm teasing you.

I am so glad you did something nice for yourself. It was a necessity! You could not pedal the old one, you were falling, now you have removed all those problems with one sum....and YOU are worth it.

VioletSky said...

Well, I can't relate to the self-harm, but I can relate to the discomfort of having beautiful things and not feeling worthy of them. I usually just get angry and - pretend? - that I actually hate the object. Kind of how I felt about a luxury car I was talked into buying a couple of years ago.

Maureen said...

I can understand, because guilt after larger purchases is quite common... but you DO know you needed that bike. Nothing to feel guilty about; you are making some good decisions so you don't need to second guess them.

Take care.