Thursday, November 19, 2009

Bouncing back...

I seem not to be bouncing back as well as I initially thought I was. I thought I could get through the hurt quickly and leave it behind me and move on. Instead, I find myself rapid cycling and I have to go to bed when it strikes and go to sleep until it passes and when I get up hours later it usually has. The problem is that it happens again after I've been up for awhile and I have to repeat the process all over again. I have just gotten up and hope that I can finish this post now and maybe be spared another round of it.

The days all look alike and I am not doing anything out of the ordinary. I have not been to creative therapy all week, causing phone calls from concerned therapists and promises that I will show up. Usually, in the morning, I am too defeated to go and I go back to bed and sleep some more, an hour or three anyway. I also sleep in the afternoon and in the evening and then at night, of course.

The Exfactor has been by twice this week to check on me, which I really appreciate. Yesterday he did the groceries for me, thank goodness. I would not have been able to do them myself. He's been a good friend without taking advantage of the situation.

It's funny how your moods have a mind of their own and there's nothing much you can do about them. You can't tell yourself to get over them and to keep a stiff upper lip and to not give into them. They come as they like, just like a storm does, and you can do nothing to stop them except to go to sleep. When you're in a mood like that, you can be very destructive and ruin many good relationships, because you're so aggressive and angry. You also feel like breaking up the furniture and throwing with things, so you can see why going to sleep is such a better alternative. You feel most unkind and want to take that out on people who are just innocent bystanders and have done nothing to deserve your anger. Manic dysphoria that's called and it isn't pretty.

I have just talked to my psychiatrist and was able to get my story across in the least amount of words and he is sending a prescription for 10 mg Temazepam to the pharmacy so I can take those during the day and sleep when I need to. All I had to mention was rapid cycling and manic dysphoria and he knew what I was talking about. It's nice if you can use the right terminology. It gets the message across better and clearer. I feel better for having talked to him, so he knows what's going on with me. You do get a tendency to feel awfully alone when your psychiatric symptoms rear their ugly head.

I just walked the dog. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but there's a cold wind blowing and it's 10C outside. That's not all that cold, 50F, but the wind makes it feel colder. It's actually nice weather for the time of year. We could have been having snow flurries now. Thank goodness we're spared those. It's supposed to get up to 14C today and tomorrow it's even supposed to get as warm as 16C. The weather is confused and I have that tree growing in a pot that's still putting out little leaves. It's in the sunshine nearly all day and must think it's supposed to do this now. I have another teeny tree growing in another pot, but it's not doing much. I think it needs a little bit of encouragement. It's not getting enough sun and I will transplant it to a pot in the sun with more soil in it.

Right, add that to all the other little chores I have left to do and am not getting around to right now. I will one of these days. The timing is just not right now. Not when I spend so much time sleeping. I hardly get around to reading blog posts, I must try and get caught up on those. I've gotten five books this past week and still have not made room for them on the bookcase, so I must try and do that today. "Try" is the operational word here. I don't make myself any promises and I don't set any deadlines.

I've watered the plants, but two of them dropped a lot of their little leaves, I think I may have waited to long and then over watered them. The fig plant is indestructible as ever and so is the prayer plant. The plants on the kitchen windowsill are doing fine, they get filtered sunlight and seem happiest. I have to transplant one of them to a bigger pot with better soil, but that is another one of those chores that I'm not getting around to, having no deadlines.

I didn't wear my glasses for a day for the sake of vanity and the next day I had very sore eyes. So, that was a very clear and short lived experiment. It's good to have the cause and effect clear immediately. There was no doubt about it. Now I'm wearing my glasses again dutifully and my eyes aren't bothering me. I especially need them when I sit behind the computer. And to think I couldn't with the other pair, because they weren't cut right. It's a blessing that I lost those.

Well, that's all the exciting news I had to share for today and I'm still in a good mood. Thank God for little favors. Maybe it will hang on for a while.

Have a good day, count your blessing, as I count mine, no matter how hard it gets sometimes and I know it does for you too.



Gail said...

Oh, my dear, do not let this incident have that much power. Filter it, keep the parts you like and dump the rest.

Cry not for what will not happen, but smile for what did.

Go to class, paint, sing, dance. You had a lovely encounter, savor it but do not punish yourself for your enjoyment of it.

Frances said...

Just happened to pop by today, I am rarely online these days.
So sorry you have felt all these sadnesses and stresses.
Do look on the positive side, Irene. You enjoyed the moment, it showed you that you are still alive and able to function fully as a woman and that you have normal womanly feelings.
For us women, involvement with a friend is very complex, because we already have deep emotional attachment and that combined with a physical connection is hard to let go and be logical about.
I think J is right in his attitude, and probably you will realise in time that you actually feel the same as he does. It is just hard to take what feels like a rejection. It isn't a rejection - it is an acceptance of what the two of you feel - how you like each other and how you find each other attractive. He didn't feel differently after and I think you didn't either. It is just the way our generation has been brought up that we have difficulty with these different relationships. We tend to expect one thing from a love/partner/husband relationship and another from a friendship - though I do believe there are overlaps and fluidity between them underlying our beliefs.
It is also difficult for us to slip between the two without feeling uncomfortable, maybe even embarrassed. Our egos make us want the other person to fall in love, even though in reality that is not what would be best for us and even if we haven't fallen in love ourselves.
Gail put it very well. There is no sin involved in happiness. Two adults. Nobody told lies, nobody cheated. You did what you wanted to do. Be happy about that.
Lucky woman. ;-))

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Your psyche has been shaken by recent events and that's not surprising. To have a close friendship turned on its head like that IS a headspinner.

The positives here are that you have the meds you need and a method for dealing with this. And you also have many supporters, including the Exfactor - who is coming up trumps again in your time of need, and your SPN and psychiatrist who understand your needs so well.

Walking the dog is a saving grace. To go out and see the rest of the world for a little while.

It's difficult that you can't know how long this will take to settle down. But you know it will in the end. Your emotional euilibrium will be re-established in time.

I hope things ease up for you very soon.

Always thinking of you,
Bearfriend (((hugs))) xx

aims said...

Ah my friend. I'm sorry that you let such a wonderful event get so turned around in your mind.

I think you need to step back and look at some of the things you have written.

You do not want to have extras in your life that you have to fit around your schedule or your lovely life of being alone and in control.

I'm really sorry you called your friendship off with Joost instead of leaving everything open to have love happen whenever it feels like it should.

You don't need a relationship like you had before. You need to be loved every once in a while. You need an uncluttered life.

Joost feels the same and having someone who feels the same might just be perfect.

Love when it happens would be wonderful. Friendship all the time even better.

Think this over my friend. You could have the best of both worlds here. And Joost is a wonderful friend for you. The fact that he found you sexy and womanly enough to have a sexual thing with you is wonderful! (must be the new red-head in you)

Wisewebwoman said...

We can't regulate our emotions, GSW. They appear whether we want them to or not and disappear at their own whims.
Logic doesn't come into it.
You sound as if you're coming through the worst of the storm now, very grown-up in contacting your doctor and naming your symptoms properly.
In time (and your time, no one else's)you will see this for what it was. Two dear friends getting together and experimenting.
It may be a cause for celebration. But never regret.
We only regret the things we didn't do, not the things we did.

Babaloo said...

I'm with Gail on this - don't let this episode/incident rule your life! It's your choice what to do with it, so think it through (which you have done already) and then be done with it. Do something to distract yourself, if you can manage at all I think going to your therapy classes would be very good for you. Sitting on your own is not going to help much, like the plants you need light and air!


Breakfast in California said...

Our weather is changable too, like our moods. I agree with what's been said, focus on the good part and let the rest slip away. Hey, you turned him on, right? At our age, that counts for a lot! Miss you!

Leslie said...

I just read your last 2 posts to catch up and see that you've definitely been through the emotional wringer. My heart goes out to you. This will take a while to settle and install into you hard-wiring, but if will over time.

The loss of a long term friendship, especially in this manner, has to be devastating. Utterly disappointing. One good thing is that I don't hear you beating yourself up about the way it unfolded. Truth be told, you went with the flow, electing to not micromanage it all in the moment. Shows a lot of trust, ultimately in the most important person we all need to learn to trust...ourself. Clearly you are going to move through this and emerge stronger and wiser. Maybe sadder, but that will pass with time.

Maggie May said...

You will need to let more time pass for you to settle down into a stable routine. Early days yet. You will get there.
Try and get a good nights sleep, Nora.

Nuts in May

Stacie said...

I know exactly what you mean by the mood coming and not being able to do anything about it. I have to remind myself that this too shall pass and attempt to live with my family without emotionally scaring my children. My children know that I have depression as an illness and what that means. It's important for them to know that it's not them. It's me.