Thursday, November 19, 2009
I seem not to be bouncing back as well as I initially thought I was. I thought I could get through the hurt quickly and leave it behind me and move on. Instead, I find myself rapid cycling and I have to go to bed when it strikes and go to sleep until it passes and when I get up hours later it usually has. The problem is that it happens again after I've been up for awhile and I have to repeat the process all over again. I have just gotten up and hope that I can finish this post now and maybe be spared another round of it.
The days all look alike and I am not doing anything out of the ordinary. I have not been to creative therapy all week, causing phone calls from concerned therapists and promises that I will show up. Usually, in the morning, I am too defeated to go and I go back to bed and sleep some more, an hour or three anyway. I also sleep in the afternoon and in the evening and then at night, of course.
The Exfactor has been by twice this week to check on me, which I really appreciate. Yesterday he did the groceries for me, thank goodness. I would not have been able to do them myself. He's been a good friend without taking advantage of the situation.
It's funny how your moods have a mind of their own and there's nothing much you can do about them. You can't tell yourself to get over them and to keep a stiff upper lip and to not give into them. They come as they like, just like a storm does, and you can do nothing to stop them except to go to sleep. When you're in a mood like that, you can be very destructive and ruin many good relationships, because you're so aggressive and angry. You also feel like breaking up the furniture and throwing with things, so you can see why going to sleep is such a better alternative. You feel most unkind and want to take that out on people who are just innocent bystanders and have done nothing to deserve your anger. Manic dysphoria that's called and it isn't pretty.
I have just talked to my psychiatrist and was able to get my story across in the least amount of words and he is sending a prescription for 10 mg Temazepam to the pharmacy so I can take those during the day and sleep when I need to. All I had to mention was rapid cycling and manic dysphoria and he knew what I was talking about. It's nice if you can use the right terminology. It gets the message across better and clearer. I feel better for having talked to him, so he knows what's going on with me. You do get a tendency to feel awfully alone when your psychiatric symptoms rear their ugly head.
I just walked the dog. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but there's a cold wind blowing and it's 10C outside. That's not all that cold, 50F, but the wind makes it feel colder. It's actually nice weather for the time of year. We could have been having snow flurries now. Thank goodness we're spared those. It's supposed to get up to 14C today and tomorrow it's even supposed to get as warm as 16C. The weather is confused and I have that tree growing in a pot that's still putting out little leaves. It's in the sunshine nearly all day and must think it's supposed to do this now. I have another teeny tree growing in another pot, but it's not doing much. I think it needs a little bit of encouragement. It's not getting enough sun and I will transplant it to a pot in the sun with more soil in it.
Right, add that to all the other little chores I have left to do and am not getting around to right now. I will one of these days. The timing is just not right now. Not when I spend so much time sleeping. I hardly get around to reading blog posts, I must try and get caught up on those. I've gotten five books this past week and still have not made room for them on the bookcase, so I must try and do that today. "Try" is the operational word here. I don't make myself any promises and I don't set any deadlines.
I've watered the plants, but two of them dropped a lot of their little leaves, I think I may have waited to long and then over watered them. The fig plant is indestructible as ever and so is the prayer plant. The plants on the kitchen windowsill are doing fine, they get filtered sunlight and seem happiest. I have to transplant one of them to a bigger pot with better soil, but that is another one of those chores that I'm not getting around to, having no deadlines.
I didn't wear my glasses for a day for the sake of vanity and the next day I had very sore eyes. So, that was a very clear and short lived experiment. It's good to have the cause and effect clear immediately. There was no doubt about it. Now I'm wearing my glasses again dutifully and my eyes aren't bothering me. I especially need them when I sit behind the computer. And to think I couldn't with the other pair, because they weren't cut right. It's a blessing that I lost those.
Well, that's all the exciting news I had to share for today and I'm still in a good mood. Thank God for little favors. Maybe it will hang on for a while.
Have a good day, count your blessing, as I count mine, no matter how hard it gets sometimes and I know it does for you too.