Falling down hard...

At 10:30 this morning I went to the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes and I have been smoking them ever since. I am going to smoke every cigarette until they're all gone and then I'm going to quit all over again. A terrible desire to smoke came over me and I couldn't contain myself any longer. I wasn't looking forward to the day and had not slept well. I was worried about coping and couldn't imagine the day without a cigarette. I could have just had two or three, but now that I have them, I want all of them. It seems like they are the most precious things I've ever had. They are so neat and pretty in their rectangular pack. I'm in trouble, aren't I?

I will assume that this is just an episode I'm going through, like a drunk falling off the wagon. I'll get back on the wagon as soon as I can. As soon as all these cigarettes are gone anyway, because I'm enjoying them too much. I'm not courageous enough to flush them down the toilet. Not yet, anyway.

I didn't sleep well and at first didn't even go to bed. I sat in my armchair with my book and fell asleep there. I woke up a few hours later and turned on the computer. I should have gone straight to bed, but I don't seem to be thinking clearly these last 24 hours. I did make it to bed eventually, but I didn't sleep long enough and now my schedule is all messed up.

I think my increasingly bad mood has to do with the fact that I'm smoking and I just flushed the rest of my cigarettes down the toilet. I'm sure that the poisonous chemicals are not good for my state of mind. On top of that I was awfully disappointed with myself and I didn't like my own behavior. I would only dislike myself more if I kept on smoking. I tore the cigarettes in pieces and threw them in the toilet bowl. There, that's it. I need to be able to feel proud of myself and like my behavior. I know I can live without smoking. I just have to continue to do it. Come hell or high water.

It's not been a good weekend to tell you the truth. I've been out of sorts and I don't know how much stopping smoking has to do with it. In reality I think smoking does my mood no good and I think it is just an illusion for me to think that it does. I actually feel better when I don't smoke. It's the habit of smoking that I miss and the instant gratification, but in the long term I don't think it helps me be in a good mood at all.

But still, I do miss smoking and having to think of other ways to fill my time and keeping myself occupied and having to direct my restless hands and mind along other paths not previously taken. I would be a liar if I said that was not true. What I must try to do is keep my life simplified and not add stress to it by not getting enough sleep and upsetting my schedule and doing things that I normally would not do. I need to keep myself focused on each individual moment and not anticipate so much and try to look into the unforeseen future and worry, which is what I was starting to do.

I have to try, while I quit smoking, to live from moment to moment and not make things so difficult for myself. I have a tendency to want to complicate my life when it shouldn't be necessary that I do, or when it is even silly to, and I must break that bad habit. I do have to cut myself some slack and go easy on myself. There's no reason to prove that I can jump through hoops. I will once again return to this moment, right now, and be present in the reality of my life and see the simplicity of it. I've made it uncomplicated for a reason.

I'm glad and relieved that I threw those cigarettes away. I was worried about having to smoke the whole pack. I thought that's what I wanted, but I was not comfortable with the idea. It bothered me that I was so willful.

I'm going to read my book now, or better yet, take a nap. I think that will be nice. It will settle my mind and I will be in a better mood to go celebrate my nephew's 16th birthday later today.

Ciao,
Nora