Not normal...

It's okay if I don't feel normal right now because it's perfectly understandable under the circumstances. It's because I have no nicotine entering my brain. That's why I feel so flaked out most of the time. I just read it on the website that helps you quit smoking.

I thought it was about time that I went there. I had read the booklet a few times, but I hadn't been to the website yet and it turned out to be a cornucopia of information. Did you know that by now all the nicotine is already out of my body? It is two days after you stop smoking. And after you stop using the patches, of course. It's been four days since I did.

This is my brain on no nicotine. This is where I got in trouble the last time, so I have to watch it, but I think I already was hypo-manic on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I got that behind me. These past days I've been sleepy and flaky. The thing I do best is take the dog for walks. It's the least complicated thing I can do. If I didn't know better I'd think I was mentally challenged.

It also said that my taste and smelling abilities should be vastly improved, but I haven't noticed that so much, although they probably already had since January the 24th when I officially quit. I had expected more of it. I guess I was expecting to be overwhelmed by smells that would transport me back to the past and that hasn't happened a lot. I can't say that things taste all that wonderful either. It's not like there's an angel peeing on my tongue.

Maybe these abilitites will return later or not at all. Maybe they're permanently impaired.

All the carbom monoxide is gone from my body too. I'm thrilled about that. That was plain poison, of course. It's been replaced by pure oxygen. Or as clean as it is in the air around here with all the traffic. I should live in the country where the air is cleaner. Ha, I wish.

I'm constantly running out of things to blog about. I don't know what else to add. I think maybe I had better go to bed.

Ciao,
Irene

A cup of coffee will help...

It's late in the evening and I've already been asleep. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as I was Monday night when I went to bed early and stayed asleep all night long. I slept for almost twelve hours then. It was unheard of.

No, tonight I woke up again, but I was sitting here bleary eyed, almost unable to do anything, and I was thinking about going back to bed. Then I realized that I had not had any coffee yet and quickly made some and now I'm having a cup of it. Rather rapidly I'm coming to my senses as the caffeine kicks in. I'm almost coherent now. 

I must have had a shortage in my brain to think I could have sat here without a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without having had the caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking. A general lethargy had a hold of me and it felt as if my body was pulled down extra hard by gravity. Beyond the normal pull that gravity has. 

I had that lethargy in my brain also. Thank goodness for bright ideas and the willpower to see them through. It did cost me some effort to open up the new package of coffee. As always it was vacuum packed and a pain in the neck to open. You're supposed to be able to do that without the aid of scissors and it's quite a trick. It's a matter of honor that I do. 

I don't know how I managed to sleep for almost twelve hours Monday night. I did get up twice. Once to go to the toilet and once to let the dog out back. Both times I was very sleepy headed and stumbled back into bed. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager. I'm sorry I'm not repeating the exercise tonight. I did have great hopes, but I was foiled in my attempt. 

I alphabetized the bookcase. I thought I was doing a great job, but in the end I was left with about ten books that I had overlooked. I just stuck those in at the end. I can't be perfect and I'll know where they are. I took my time doing that while the domestic help cleaned the apartment. I wanted to make myself useful while she was here. 

I may not be reading much, but at least my books are organized. While I was doing this, I ran into all sorts of books I have not read yet and they did make me curious. I'm going to wait until I get my varifocal glasses and see if they make any difference in my reading ability. I may also dislike reading because I have crappy reading glasses. We'll see. These don't correct for my astigmatism and that may make a difference. 

The weather was dreary today. It was drizzling and chilly. It was not the kind of day to be cheerful about. I suppose you could say that it was a real autumn day in the worst sense. Today it's going to be a lot better and we'll even have some sunshine. I don't mind the cold as long as the sun is shining. I have grown quite attached to sunshine this fall. I've really learned to appreciate it after all the rain we had. 

The dog is trying to convince me that he needs to go out again. He knows just the kind of facial expression to make with that plea. I'm ignoring him for now. I'll wait and see how badly he really needs to go. Sometimes it's just an excuse to go out back and sniff all over the place because the cat has gone out there. 

I've got to think about going back to bed, but of course I'm wide awake now. I will start drinking cold milk and see if it will alter my brainwaves into a different pattern. A more 'go to sleep now' pattern. Sometimes it works. Milk seems to have that effect on me. It's nice if certain beverages alter your brain chemically. You don't have to rely on pills. 

Have a good night all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Harrowing tales of nothingness...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with one of the best cups of coffee that I ever made and am enjoying it very much. Sometimes I get lucky and the coffee turns out great. I don't know why that is. I seem to do everything the same as I always do, but the result is different and better somehow. 

I always blame it on Juan who picks the best beans in Columbia and that I happened to get a good batch of them, but this is ground coffee from an opened pack and I'm sure there is no difference in the quality from yesterday's coffee. 

I'll blame it on my own good mood then and my taste buds, which are on this occasion finely tuned and able to appreciate the experience especially well. My senses must be very alert.

I expect two of my senses to be better developed some time soon and those are my sense of taste and smell. I'm planning on quitting smoking soon and I expect that over time those two senses will improve quite a bit, although I don't expect any miracles overnight. I remember from the last time I tried to quit that the improvement didn't happen all of the sudden. 

I'm looking forward to quitting smoking and can't wait for the day to arrive that I will. I'm visualizing myself as a nonsmoker in my head so much, that I'm ready to be one. Because I've tried to quit before, I know what the pitfalls are and what I'm up against. I hope that will make this attempt more successful. 

Despite my misgivings about yesterday and it being my least favorite day of the week, it actually was a fine day. My mood was good and the day went by quickly and without a hitch. All the things I worried about ahead of time, turned out to have been unnecessary. The stress that I felt on Sunday had disappeared by the next day, so I was left unworried. 

I don't know why I felt so uptight on Sunday and why I was so worried about the next day being Monday and a difficult day. I anticipated too much trouble when there turned out not to be any. Maybe Sunday itself was a difficult day without me consciously realizing it and it had bothered me more than I was aware of. 

I'm a victim of my own fickle mood system which doesn't always work faultlessly. There are day to day nuances in it that I'm not always aware of and that make a difference in how I experience my life at a given moment. The nuances can be big enough to really make a difference that's bothersome and completely alter my attitude. I'm not a finely tuned machine, much as I'd like to be. 

My psychiatrist said that I could use an extra tranquilizer during the day if I felt the need for it, but I feel that my stress level has come way down now. It may not at all be necessary.  The problem with the tranquilizers is that they are downers and that they can make you feel sad. I'll avoid them if possible. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday during which he wants to see how I am doing on the increased medication. 

In the meantime, I've switched from coffee to cold milk and I'm appreciating that very much also. I managed to make the milk last for a whole week by being a little more frugal with it. This morning the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries and I have enough milk left to drink and to use for coffee when he gets here. 

He's got to buy rawhide bones for the dog because he's going through them like they are candy canes. He chews them up in the shortest amount of time and goes through whole packages of them. There's nothing that makes him happier than a rawhide bone. 

I hope you'll all have a good day or a good night, whichever comes first.

Ciao,

Nora