Where was I?

I've put the radio/CD player back in the bedroom. I decided that I missed it too much at night when I went to bed. It was too silent when I was laying there waiting to fall asleep. I thought that maybe it was too much of a stimulus, but I was wrong. The radio keeps me company and I fall asleep with it on easily. It distracts me and keeps me from thinking complicated thoughts. That's very important. 

I'm not here by myself in the living room. The domestic help is washing the windows. She does a very good job at them, better than I could. She knows how to wash them without getting streaks. That's why she is the domestic help. She's got a lot of experience. Tyke is watching her do her work. He likes her very much and is always very interested in what she does.

It's noontime and I've just taken my medicines, all except my afternoon anti-psychotic tablet. I'm not supposed to take that now. This is in an effort to further reduce them. I think I'm doing okay, except that I'm a little bit grumpy. It's not such a horrible thing to be grumpy, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I don't think that it's anything important. I'll mention it to my psychiatrist when he calls me later. I mustn't make a mountain out of a molehill.

My psychiatrist just called me and I told him that I was a bit grumpy. He asked me if I thought it was a sign that I was entering a different mood. I told him that I didn't think so and that I really wasn't too worried. I don't think that I'm going to get hypo-manic or depressed right now. At least, I assume I won't. He wants me to reduce my anti-depressives also starting today. We're doing this very carefully and I'm seeing him next week. It's good to have the extra control while I do this.

I shouldn't really worry about a thing and just assume that all will be well. I'm tougher than the absence of a pill anyway. I will not be defeated. 

It has started to rain again and as far as I can see, the street is completely clear of snow and ice. What a relief that is. It had stopped being fun quite some time ago. Now the river is very full and almost at the highest level. All sorts of precautions are beings taken. There's a lot of melt water from upstream that is finding its way into it from Belgium and France, but also from the smaller rivers here. Some land is being allowed to flood, it is designated for that. That's better than having some of the villages flood. 

It's 11 degrees Celsius (50F), that's quite warm for us. I have the bedroom windows open to air out the apartment. I had to go sit in my bedroom with the animals while the domestic help vacuumed the front of the apartment and mopped it. Neither Tyke nor Gandhi likes the vacuum cleaner and we don't want them walking on the wet floors. They do leave behind paw prints. That's really not that awful, but I pretend it is for the sake of the domestic help. 

I'm done being grumpy now and feel quite alright. I'm ready for the remainder of this Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, but I'm sure I'll find some way to stay out of trouble. I usually do. I just mustn't show any kind of extreme behavior. I mustn't be too happy or too sad. That's a tall order. I think I'm up to it, though. I took a little nap on the sofa this morning and would be more than happy to take another one, but I think I'll go watch the speed skating championships on television. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Interesting.

It's been an interesting day so far. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my life was really not all that complicated and that the difficulties I saw in it were really due to events that happened in the past, over 16 years ago and much longer, and that it was time to leave all that behind me and concentrate on this life that I have here now, by myself, in the Netherlands. If I look only at that life, a lot of the complications drop away, because, although it is not easy sometimes, it only concerns me and I'm the only one in the end who has to live with myself and the consequences of my disorder and actions resulting thereof. I can disconnect as much as possible from people who would get involved too much and deal with things on my own along with the help of the professionals around me. That way nobody needs to get hurt.

It was a big realization for me. A real "Eureka" moment. To let go of the past and the people in it and to only deal with now. I've talked the talk, but I've never felt it as clearly as I did this morning. It was a great relief. I felt a lot of freedom suddenly. I hope it continues so.

That set me in the right frame of mind to tackle the rest of the day and I immediately did a load of laundry after I wrote my last post. Sheets and towels and the dog pillow cover on 60C with extra detergent to get it real clean. I puttered around the apartment after that and did odd jobs and realized I wanted the furniture back in its original place. I thought it looked cluttered the way it was and I was unhappy about Tyke sitting on top of the sofa in front of the windows, barking at things that went by and dirtying the glass.

The Exfactor came over and went to the hardware store to buy the wood to make a new little gate in the fence, because the other one had rotted off one of the hinges. It needed to be 4 x 4 feet. He built a double frame with plastic coated chicken wire screwed between it and it's perfect. He had a battery powered drill and was done in the shortest amount of time. he put the hinges on and a hook to keep it closed and put it in place and there it was. All finished.

He also went grocery shopping for me and when he came back and we had unloaded everything, I asked him if he would help me move the furniture. I had a plan on what to move in which order and we worked like a finely tuned unit and were done within 20 minutes. I just had to deal with the little details after he left and that was no problem. I enjoyed doing that. I swept and dusted where it was necessary, especially when I moved the area rug, but there are some jobs left for tomorrow and I will do those then.

In the busyness of it all, I almost forgot to walk Tyke and he was mighty relieved when I took him out. The weather is turning warmer and tomorrow we're supposed to have sunshine. It's time to open the windows again and let the fresh air and the street noise in. That's the drawback of having the windows open. That does irritate me. I'm right on top of the sidewalk and the street and all the noise. I don't care for mopeds and scooters and airplanes taking off and landing nearby.

Right, I have to watch the news now. Mustn't miss that in these exciting political campaign times. Next week we vote. You should see the campaign spots on TV.

Ciao,
Nora

After a long night.

You all know that I was short of sleep after yesterday's very early morning rising and no nap during the day, which is sort of miraculous for me, because I used to be famous for my naps. So, having lasted all day long on too little sleep, I was worn out by the early evening and I went to bed at eight o'clock and slept until 8 o'clock this morning. I want to say uninterrupted, but I did have to get up to go to the bathroom and another time to let Tyke out who started to bark by the bedroom door. I figured we couldn't have that, waking up the neighbors, so I released him, but he was back in the bedroom when I woke up this morning and hadn't gotten into anything while he was out. He probably just wanted to pester Gandhi.

So, I slept twelve hours and it took me an hour to really get my head together after I woke up. I realized I hadn't taken my medicines when I had been up for an hour and had finished my cup of coffee. It used to be the first thing I did at 7 o'clock in the morning, because I was already awake then. There's no chance of that happening now.

I also only drink three cups of coffee a day now. I have one in the morning, as opposed to the three I would have to get me functioning at a high enough level. I suppose I needed the caffeine to feel good. I was artificially altering my mood to a better one. I think I drink the morning cup of coffee out of habit now, I wonder if I really need it to get at any sort of level. A cup of tea might do the job too. Anyway. I don't have another cup of coffee until the afternoon, when I want one for the taste of it, because I do like a Senseo cup of coffee, but I'm very quickly satisfied and hardly ever finish it. Then I have another cup in the early evening for a little bit of a pick me up, but I never completely finish that one either. I think I don't need the coffee to alter my mood all the time. The medication is working to the point that it makes me feel good at a steady rate all day long and that is one of the things that I noticed very quickly. I'm taking Welbutrin, that also gets sold as Zyban that is used to help people quit smoking. It helps me stop eating.

I've taken Tyke for a walk and it is a different experience than taking Jesker for a walk. Tyke is full of life and very alert and curious. He notices everything around him and wants to investigate all. He picks up three different kinds of scents and wants to follow all of them. His nose is constantly to the ground, just like Jesker's was also. They have that in common. Tyke is also very busy marking his territory and kicking up dirt with his hind legs when he's done something on a bit of grass. I guess the biggest difference is that he notices noises from far away. Jesker was almost deaf and didn't really hear anything anymore, but Tyke picks up all the noise that goes on around us and stops and listens and tries to locate where it comes from. He's a clever little guy.

I'm sure Gandhi would disagree with me, as she constantly has to find her refuge on the dining table. She does get very tired of him and literally attacks him, which he thinks is playful behavior. She has her claws and teeth in his head, but he has such thick, curly hair, that he doesn't feel anything and thinks it's all a joke. They clearly miscommunicate. When she wags her tail, he thinks it means the same thing as when he wags his tail. He just totally adores her and thinks she's there for him to play with all day long just like another little puppy. I should get a little kitten for him to play with, except that I don't want more cats because of the neighbors. It would be a solution, though.

I hope this isn't going to be one of my hypomanic ideas in bringing happiness to my dog. I can just see it turn into one of those schemes that's going to end up badly and I will not have thought it through properly, but act on an impulse. The writing is on the wall. I will figure out a way to get a kitten and that will be the beginning of all my troubles. I have just warned myself while I am still of sound mind. There's already a devil sitting on my shoulder arguing with me. Maybe that was the little absence I just had. A change of mood.

I must go walk the dog again. I feel I need the exercise. After that I will attempt to do my income taxes. I do have to get serious about that and not be such a ninny. I have until April the first, but I don't want to postpone it until the last minute. I'm afraid I'll lose the letter reminding me to do so. I do fear the tax offices and the penalties I may get. I'm an obedient citizen. Just not a very eager one. I do procrastinate when given the chance and only do the things that give me pleasure. Sometimes there's so very little of that, that it must be taken advantage of. I'm ready for an overdose now.

Have a splendid day, everyone. I must rouse my dog and put him on his leash for a brisk walk.

Ciao,
Nora

Finally!

I ran into computer problems a few days ago and have been off line since then. My mouse stopped working and just as I was investigating the reason why, I noticed that Tyke had chewed through the cable of my keyboard, which was very frustrating to say the least, because it was carnival and all the stores were closed and would be for a while, so I could not buy a new one. I called the Exfactor to see if he had an extra mouse and keyboard. He did not, but he promised to try and solve my problem as quickly as possible. He couldn't do anything until today, when Media Mart opened up and he could buy a new mouse and a new keyboard and deliver them to me. It turned out that the portal into which the mouse was plugged was defective and now the mouse is plugged into one of the portals in the front of the PC. I taped the cable of the mouse into place so it won't be a temptation for Tyke to play with. The keyboard works great and I like it better than my old keyboard, so I'm moving up in the world. We've tied the cable of the keyboard to the desk so it won't be a temptation either. At least, I'm naive enough to think it. If I ever am off line for any period of time again, you'll know it is because Tyke chewed through a cable.

The first day I was without my PC, I was rather frustrated and went through withdrawal. I thought it was one of the worst things that could happen, but at the same time I realized that that was exaggerating the importance of it and that I shouldn't let it get to me that much. So, I tried to do other things to take up my time, which I was not very good at, at first.

After that it got easier and I realized that I got more relaxed from not sitting behind the computer and that my mood improved and that I was more even tempered when I was not sitting behind the computer at all hours of the day and night. That was an important observation and one I must not ignore. It seems that the computer causes me stress and I have to keep an eye on how much time I actually spend behind it and how much is actually necessary.

On those days that I couldn't sit behind the computer, I contemplated my own navel a lot and did household chores. I also watched the Winter Olympics on TV. All of these things were quiet activities that didn't cause me a lot of stress, not even the chores did, because I just took my time. I had nothing else to do, after all. I spent a lot of time in peace and quiet not doing anything very important, but hanging out with Tyke and lying on the sofa with a cat on top of me. It seems to have done me a lot of good, because my mood has vastly improved and I aim to keep it that way.

Since my mood has improved so much that even I notice the difference, I want to limit the time I spend behind the computer, tempting though it is to keep lingering here. For my own sake, I must turn it off on time and walk away from it and shut if off and keep it off until a long enough time has passed before I go back to it. I must spend time in quiet contemplation, because it's good for me. I do need to be free of stimuli and distractions. I never realized that as much as I do now.

Tyke is naughty at least once a day. Once a day he gets into something that I have overlooked as a potential naughtiness for him to get into. Everything in the apartment is getting moved up or put away. I thought things were safe on the dining table, but he's even managed to get on top of it when a chair was left pulled out. Other than that, he's his most adorable self almost all the time and a most kissable and hugable little bundle of joy.

Have a lovely day!

Ciao,
Nora.

The early morning...

I woke up to the same scene this morning as I did yesterday. The dog and Gandhi on the pillow and Toby next to me on the bed, very cozily, and I hate to upset the idyllic little scene, because everybody thinks they need to get up when I do. The cats think I will do interesting things in the kitchen, which I do, because if their milk dish is empty, or if the milk has gone sour, they get new milk straight from the refrigerator and they love that. The dog wants a treat, but he only gets one if he has gone out back for a piddle, so he does a small one to satisfy me and then gets his treat and goes back to sleep. I should know by now that this is our routine, but every morning the animals need to remind me that this is what we do. Well, I can't be expected to perform flawlessly first thing in the morning. I need to have some coffee first.

Yesterday afternoon, at around 3 o'clock, the same feelings of loathing and despair started sneaking up on me as they had the day before. I tried to outwit them for a while, but realized that I needed to go to sleep. I laid down on the sofa in a meditative position and closed my eyes and tuned out everything around me and inside of me and very soon afterwards, I fell asleep and slept for nearly two hours. I felt much better when I woke up, but I felt that I could have slept more, and later in the evening fell asleep watching TV. When I woke up, I took my medication and went straight to bed and slept until 4 o'clock this morning.

I think I need to remember that it is this time of year again, when I always have a harder time and I'm a little bit crazier than I am the rest of the time. It's when the leaves start changing color and start falling from the trees when I do, the same as I do when in the springtime the leaves start coming on the trees. Those are my crazy periods and my father had them too. It is more noticeable now that I live in a country with four seasons, where before in California I don't remember being so aware of that. I think my crazy periods were more haphazard, though they may have been seasonably bound, but I don't remember, because, like everything in my past, it is all very fuzzy and hard to recall.

I do know, for instance, that traveling to the United States makes me depressed and traveling back to Europe makes me hypo manic. That has something to do with the time difference, so I don't like traveling to the States, because I arrive there feeling very down and unable to get over it for the relatively short time that I'm there. When I get back to Europe, I'm full of energy and I have no jet lag and can adjust to the local time with no effort at all. I hate to disappoint my daughter by not going there, but that is the real reason. I'm not much fun when I'm depressed and I feel like a ball and chain around her leg, unable to cheer myself up, try as I might.

That's just a bit of information I thought I'd throw in gratuitously. The rhythm of the days and nights, and the hours of daylight, make such a difference in your mood. If you are susceptible to that. I being a Northern European am. By all rights I should be going into hibernation now, or moving to a sunny southern country. Many Northern Europeans move to Spain in the wintertime, especially people who live in Scandinavia where it really gets dark in winter.

Shortly we're going to have daylight saving time and that is really going to throw me for a loop. It will get so dark so early in the afternoon and I will always get up much too early in the morning. It will take a while before I get used to that. I wish we'd do away with it altogether, but I am just a lonely voice who can't make a difference. If there were a petition, I would sign it, but would it stand a chance?

Well. that's all very well, but now I have to get dressed and get the show on the road. I have creative therapy this morning and I'm going to be working on my third painting. The second one is done and I need to get the first two home with the help of my sister and her car. I can't transport them by bike. The wind will catch them and blow them to smithereens, that is if I were to take them one at the time.

Have a good morning. No doubt you will see me here again later today. I have an award to give away.

Ciao,
Nora.

Whatcha talking about?

Here I am sitting amongst the debris of my life and I can only surmise that I am on a downward slope, because I am not getting my act together and little by little things here are getting out of hand, even though I make token gestures such as organize stacks of dishes and empty ashtrays and get rid of empty juice and milk containers.

It makes just a little dent in the real work that needs to be done and that I find impossible to face and that I can't get started on without having an enormously big cloud of doom and gloom hang over my head that defeats me before I've even begun. It's a sorry state of affairs and this afternoon, after I did the groceries and ate lunch, I laid down on the sofa and slept, as it was the best thing I could think of.

I've been trying to get out of the job for several days now and every day I find an excuse why I can't clean house. Today I've run out of excuses and must find the real culprit and the real culprit is my enormous lack of enthusiasm in life. Frankly, I don't give a hell of a lot right now about anything to the point that I want to do something about it, although I am acutely aware of this lack in me and I just wish it were different, but it isn't, and I can only hope that one of these days soon, I wake up with the right amount of enthusiasm again and straighten this place up as it's supposed to be.

I was afraid of this happening, but I was not expecting it and thought I was going along steadily at a nice pace, but isn't that always when you stumble and fall and find yourself flat on your face? Having moods is a terrible bothersome thing in that it effects your functioning so much and you want to plan your life, but almost feel that you can't, because of the unexpectedness of your disposition. I completely feel like not leaving my apartment now, although I know I will, because I have obligations.

I only want to perform kind deeds for myself and do nothing that will upset me further and avoid anything unpleasant. Going to the store this morning I didn't experience as something unpleasant, though it was a chore that had to be done, but I got to buy nice foods that were no longer in the refrigerator and cupboards and in a way that was the reward for the effort.

In the meantime I'm avoiding some phone calls I have to make and I'm not going to make them until I feel better.

The good part is, that on this downward slope, I'm not condemning everything about myself to hell like I used to in the past. At least I don't do that anymore. I can sit here and say I'm not happy and I have a hard time doing things, but I don't hate myself. My whole personality doesn't disintegrate, although I do feel a strong desire to hurt myself and I don't know where that is coming from. I will try to ignore that wish.

The most important thing is to accept the mood as it comes and to not make a huge big deal out of it, but to lean into it a little bit and let it be. For all I know it's going to be over in the morning and I will be fine again and my enthusiasm will be back.

I have to go now and see a man about a horse.

Have a good evening.

Ciao...

I've been cheating...

I have a confession to make. Instead of being here and reading blogs and leaving comments behind, I have been visiting My Page on 6S's and I have been having a heck of a good time. It's been like going away to holiday camp and discovering a whole new set of people with a whole new set of activities.

I think it is just what I needed to get me out of this slump, because lets face it, it's not called mood disorders for nothing and I was right in the middle of one. I always forget that I suffer from mood disorders and that this doesn't just mean that I get hypomanic, but that this also means that I sometimes get very depressed very quickly for the least of reasons. I also forget that these are temporary conditions and that I get over them quickly as a rule, if all goes well and I get the proper help.

So, for a while, I didn't want anything to be in my life the way it usually was. I couldn't stand the thought of blogging and simply did not have the enthusiasm to leave cheerful comments when you all knew I wasn't cheerful.

I spent a lot of time sitting at the dining table with a mug of coffee and a cigarette, just staring out the window letting my thoughts wander wherever they took me. It was peaceful that way. I didn't pretend to get any work done and gave myself permission not to worry about that right now. I did the basics and that was it. We all have clean dishes to eat from.

When I finally did turn on the computer, I became disheartened about all the posts I would have to read and be cheerful about and I just couldn't face it, so I checked in to 6S's and went to the main page to see what was new there and there was lots of new stuff to read and react to. It was a whole new ballgame and I even got into the swing of things and wrote some stuff myself.

It's funny how new surroundings and new people perk you up and give you a new lease on life, simply with the few encouraging words that they give you about another whole untapped side of yourself. It's a website for writers, that's what it is all about and you do your best to write the best bit of prose you know how. You write on your tip toes, keeping in mind your audience of critical readers. There are no prima donnas, just kind people who encourage each other as much as possible and set challenges for you to participate in.

I'll still be blogging, but with a little less fervor than I have been. I'll skip some blogs that I get little or no reaction from. I'll glance at those that may or may not interest me. The list will get shorter. I'll not be a super blogger anymore. That's like being a super mommy or a super housewife. I think I've left all those stages behind me.

I think I am slowly getting out of my depressed phase now. Everything doesn't seem so awful anymore and there is no more black hole in front of me. A lot of the black clouds have disappeared. That's part of a song, isn't it?

Well ciao, my best buddies, have a good evening. I think I'll turn in early myself.