Imagination...

I have to tell you that it's something I'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind. I'm working on my second cup but haven't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free. It's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it's not going to happen today. I'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally. 

All day long I have been in a minor mood. This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it. Maybe it is because I'm not that I am in a minor mood but there's no need to start analyzing that. I will leave that stone unturned. It's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time. Suffice it to say that I'm not in a celebratory mood.

Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again. The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown. But that will not be of concern to me. My life will return to its regular routine and that's all I care about. If I were part of a family unit, I might feel differently but since I am alone, I feel this way. The holidays are always harder to get through when you're not plural. 

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I've started smoking again. It proved to be too difficult to quit. I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes. It's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it. I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough. I could not stand to sit and do nothing. 

It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies. That's the kind of dull person I've become. I'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel. I can spend a lot of time doing that. I lead a very uninteresting life and I'm aware of that. Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane. 

Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenience shop at the gas station and buy tobacco. It's with an enormous sense of relief that I did. I felt that it was the best solution. How I'm going to handle it financially I don't know yet but I'll find a way. I'll eat less if it comes to that. 

The dog is sitting very patiently by my side and I'm pretty sure he wants to go for his outing. It is that time of the day again. The sun was shining all day but now it's become overcast. The weather is returning back to normal too. It was too good to last. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Blog hopping...

I've been up for quite a while and have been doing what comes natural and that has been blogging over at Wordpress,. I started another blog there and I'm not going to give you the link to it but leave it completely up to chance for you to discover me there and maybe one day you will. I don't know how hard that is. I just thought I would fall back into anonymity. 

I don't know what I'm doing with all these blogs, but it seems like a good idea to have all of them to keep me writing and to keep me out of trouble, because that's what I seem to have been getting into lately. Maybe I am mad and don't know it and nobody has told me that I am and I'm living under the delusion that I'm quite sane and normal. Anything is possible. 

It's early in the morning now and I'm drinking coffee and having my cigarettes. I feel quite cozy here and am very much at peace with the world and my surroundings. I have not one bit of sleep in my body and I'm looking forward to taking a shower later and washing my hair which badly needs it. I will use my lightener shampoo and have perfectly blond hair. 

I've got my clothes picked out, in sofar that I've got it down to 2 outfits and I have to make a final instinctual decision when I look at them this morning, but I think I already know which way I'm leaning. I feel cheerful and that calls for red and a minidress. It's not going to be so awfully cold today, so I don't have to dress extra warm.

Rainclouds have moved in and are trapping what little warmer air there is and are keeping frost from developing. It's now 43F and much warmer than it was yesterday morning and it's going to be 54F today, which is much better. I won't be freezing my buns off when I go to see my psychiatrist on my bike this morning. That is, if it's not raining, otherwise I will have to walk under the umbrella. I don't mind either way. I prefer not to get wet, though. 

I had every intention to have a good long sleep last night, but it didn't happen. I laid in bed being bored and waiting for it to be time to get up until I couldn't stand it anymore. Sometimes I think that sleeping is such a waste of time, until I get a shortage of it and need to be be put under and rest for 12 hours straight. Other than that, I think it is highly overrated and I don't see why I have to get all of it at night when I feel so good and there are such interesting things to do. The nighttime is infinitely better to be awake in than the daytime. I haven't figured out yet why that is, I only have hypotheses. 

I've still got the heater on against the cold and in spite of it I feel the draft from the cat flap, even though all the windows are closed. It is actually very well sealed, but somehow it still lets in the cold air. The bedrooms are colder anyway because they are always in the shade and they have single glass windows, which I think is a crime. I do wish they would replace those. There's always a lot of condensation on them that you get rid of by having the radiators on. Those rooms are wet and cold and need to be wallpapered and painted. I'm ignoring that as much as possible. It's too big a job for me. 

Tyke's been surprisingly well behaved all night, which goes to show you that he's only bad when I'm asleep. I think he resents me being asleep as he gets bored or something. He doesn't do anything destructive when I'm gone from home. He's only mischievous when I'm asleep. 

The problem is, that when I'm asleep, I'm sound asleep and nothing wakes me up. I don't hear any noises of him ripping things apart. He could tear the whole bedroom apart and I wouldn't notice it. It's only when I have to go to the toilet that I find out what he's been doing and by that time it's too late. The damage has been done and he always thinks of something to get into that I've not thought of. The most unusual things aren't safe. He never ceases to surprise me. Well, of course he couldn't get away with anything during this night because I was awake. He does know when he's being bad. He's not a dumb dog.

I think I will take my medicines now and take my shower. I'm ready for squeaky clean hair and a good outfit. It will be a pleasure to put on something different and cheerful. Something to match my mood and my rosy cheeks. I will see if the laundry is dry and get ready to put another load in the machine, There's nothing so nice as clean clothes. You can't beat those. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora

Speedy Gonzalez.

I've made a list of chores and I've divided it room by room to keep it manageable, except that I didn't know which room to put the ironing under so it's in a category all by itself. I suppose that would be under the header "miscellaneous." Equally with organizing clothes, although that could go under the header "Junk room," because that's where my closet is. I only have "wash windows" there now.

It helps too break it down in segments, otherwise it becomes unmanageable and you just end up with a very long and intimidating list, This way I can go from room to room, even if I'm not completely done in one room.

I completely cleaned the bathroom, except for the shower basin and the tiles under the wash basin. I had crawled around on my knees washing the floor and thought that was enough of that and quit, but I crossed off all the other items I had to do in the bathroom, such as the sink and the toilet and the shelf and the mirror. And the dirty little waste can.

Then I got the vacuum cleaner out and started vacuuming the area rug in the living room and realized suddenly that it was reversible and that it had a brighter side on the bottom. I had to move the furniture, because the rug is about 8 feet by 4 feet and pulled it away and around. There was a lot of grit underneath it, so I vacuumed that, and then put it bottom side up in place and replaced the furniture and now it looks like I have a brand new area rug. I just saved myself 60 Euros, because thatś what a new one would have cost me.

I vacuumed the furniture and got so hot that I had to remove an article of clothing, which was okay, because I was still decent without it. I just looked pudgier for lack of camouflage. That's why I wear layers of clothes.

I did take little breaks and had a delicious cup of tea with three sugars in it that pepped me up quite well. That made me think that maybe I should take sugar in my coffee, but I really don't like the taste of it, so I would have to get used to that a lot, but it would give me quick energy. I have to ponder on this some more.

I dusted my bedroom, which stays amazingly clean, maybe because it's my sacred, hallowed place, and then vacuumed the carpet. I found one hairball, which was rather disgusting, but it was pretty solid. All I have left to do in this room, is wash the windows and clean the radiator. Those are still on my list.

I'm going to dust the bookcase next and clean the living room windows inside. Outside it is raining, so it is not much sense doing them there. Besides, it is Sunday and I can't go out there and wash windows. I would be reported to the Holy Doctrine Police and be incarcerated in a church dungeon.

Please, read my posts before this one, so you know what I have been doing since the middle of the night. I'm on a cleaning journey and making a log about it. I want you to be part of my efforts. When I finally go around the bend, you can say, we read all about it and were witness to it.

Actually, I don't think I'll go around the bend, I'm to sane for that. I have my full capacities still. I am just wide awake and not in the least bit tired. I'm amazingly free of madness. But don't crazy people always say that about themselves?

Onward to the next chores. I'll let you know how they go. It's more fun if I get to report in every few hours.

Ciao...