I was going to watch the 8 o'clock news, but instead fell asleep on the sofa, as if that is anything new, and now, of course, I'm wide awake and I've just finished answering emails, which took me forever, because I kept being distracted by my own thoughts and forgetting what I was doing. It's called daydreaming and I fall victim to it easily at different times in my life.
Now seems to be one of those times. It makes doing anything last twice as long, because everything makes me think of something else that I have to ponder over, like a gently meandering stream of water, curiously and slowly finding it's way downhill, forming puddles here and there before moving on again. Oh, how poetic of me, but so exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I never did get to watch the news, so as usual, I am badly informed and I don't know if we're having a government crisis or if the queen is abdicating. Maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part. Of course, it would be awfully bad timing for either of those things to happen now, but I don't have the mental energy to explain why, just accept that it is so. Let's just say that we don't want a new Adolf Hitler for prime minister and that the crown prince isn't ready to be king yet, or that the queen isn't done being queen yet. One of those two.
The good part is, that when I wake up from one of those extensive naps, I'm not filled with self hatred like I used to be. Instead I am excited to be awake again and look forward to spending some time behind the computer with a cup of decaf and my cigarettes. I'm like a little kid that gets to play with its favorite toy. Who ever claimed I was a grown up anyway? I just act like I am one, but deep in my heart?
But talking about liking yourself or not, I guess that right now I don't like myself very much, because I feel that I'm breaking the rules by being up. I should go to bed, but I'm not quite ready to and that makes me feel bad, because I'm supposed to stick to some sort of a schedule and I have a tendency to very quickly feel guilty and when I feel guilty, I start to dislike myself and it's a downhill course from there. It's better if I talk about it and air my feelings, because disliking myself can have such big consequences for me, so I have to stay up and get over these feelings, instead of scaring myself into bed...
...imagine a long pause here where I do nothing but try to collect my thoughts while I drink my decaf and smoke my cigarette. Actually, imagine pauses all over the place, some short and some long. I am in that kind of a conversation with you, well, call it a monologue, because I don't hear you talking back at me, although I imagine that too.
Come on, I'm setting myself over all those negative feelings and I'm going to enjoy the time that I'm up. It's a shame that I don't have any way to get rid of those negative feelings, I can't cut them out of me, but I sure as hell can shout louder than them.
Jesker wants something from me and I have to try to figure out what it is. I think he wants to go out.
Yup...that's what he wanted. If everything in life were as uncomplicated as Jesker it would sure be easy. Let's pretend that it is.