Thursday, November 05, 2009

Oh, let's go again, one more time...

My dear ex-husband was here this afternoon to do the groceries for me. It was his own idea, I did not even so much as whisper the question into his ear. He was really two days too early, but I did not turn him down. I'd rather have too many groceries in the house than not enough. A shopping list was quickly made and off he went in my leather jacket, because he could not wear his motorcycle gear. He has a pair of shoes here for when he has to do these jobs for me. Luckily, he is slender enough to wear my jackets and they fit him perfectly. He looked quite dashing in my leather jacket, but I won't give it up. I may give it up if he gives me his motorcycle jacker, or one like it. I do need a tough broad jacket like that. It will give me the right attitude. Right, sure it will! That, along with my shit kicking boots.

If you're wondering where I get this "tough broad" idea from, it is from admiring women who I think are very independent and who stand very solidly on their own two feet and who don't need a man to help them live their lives. Women who can earn their own living and make their own way in life and make their own choices, regardless of public opinion. I guess they all don't have to wear tough broad leather jackets and shit kicking boots, but that is how I would reinforce my image of being one. I'm not such a tough broad by nature, so I have to fake it a little bit. I suppose I'm still looking for my imago. What do I want to show me as to the world?

When it comes down to it, I'm just a very regular middle of the road woman. I don't stand out one way or the other, much as I would like to. So we're back to yesterday's theme and what it all comes down to is not the outside, but character that counts, and personality, and you can make that visible enough after someone has been around you for a while, if they take the time that is. I've never stopped and thought about this as consciously as I think about it now, though I have on some level been aware of it and paid lip service to it, as any modern thinking human being does. We all say that the inside counts, but we're all busy making sure the outside looks darn good.

Now is the time to test that out. I'm going to dress myself as nicely as I always do, and wear my hair the same way, but always wear my glasses and go without make up and see how people react to me. I'll have no eyebrows, because they are blond and invisible, and no eyeshadow and no eyeliner. Just a touch of mascara on my blond eyelashes, otherwise I'll feel so naked. Only on the top. Then I wonder what sort of impact I will make, or if it will make no difference at all. That's quite a thing to do for someone who is as vain as I am. Let's face it, I do like to think that everything I do makes me look better. Although just lately I'm having my doubts.

Of course, it will mean that I'll have to let my personality shine through a little bit better and not be such a silent onlooker. I'll have to be present. Make more noise, talk more, be more spontaneous. I'll have to practice that. Maybe I'll dare more if I'm more myself and not a painted up version who has to worry about the state of her make up and the condition of her hairdo. Maybe I'll learn to be a tough broad on the inside and I won't need the outside accouterments. Or...maybe I'll learn that I don't need to be a tough broad at all, but a gentle, sensitive one who has a heart and sensitivities and soft spots. Maybe that will be the real me and I'm artificially trying to be someone I'm not. I may just allow myself to find out. I may have to give up my membership in The Tough Broad Society.

How do you like all this mesmerizing? Isn't it fascinating? How to make yourself the most interesting subject of your own post.

One thing that was on the shopping list, was dog kibbles for little dogs, because Toby is hooked on the dried dog food from a particular brand and asks for it if the bowl is empty. However, I had the large kibbles for big dogs and this time I had the Exfactor get the kibbles for little dogs. I think they will be easier to eat and the dog may like them better also. We'll see. It is funny to see Toby chow down on that food. I've never seen him eat with so much appetite. You'd think it was candy I put in front of him. He has gained a little weight, which is good, because he was too skinny for some reason and now he looks normal. He's a big cat and can stand the weight. I'm hoping Jesker is going to lose weight, but I can't tell, because I can't get on the scale with him and see how much he weighs at the same time. It's a two people job. I'll have to weigh him the next time we're at the vet.

I'm expecting the pharmacy to make a delivery of some pills that are the lighter dose of the Temazepam. My psychiatrist is allowing me one a day until he sees me on Monday so we can discuss the need for them. He is being a cautious man. I still had some and took one this afternoon and ended up taking a nice nap and feeling better the rest of the day. I have no qualms about taking pills and I am not worried about becoming hooked on them, as I've always been able to decrease the doses when that was necessary. My medication is my best friend and it helps me think straight when I can't do it on my own.My life has never been easier than when I started taking the right medication in the right dose and the right combination and I've become an expert at tweaking it. I always know what I need and when something works. I would like to eliminate one of my anti depressives, but I need to discuss that with my psychiatrist and it will have to be done slowly. I think I can do without one of them, but that may be wishful thinking. I will just have to try.

It's still early in the evening. The apartment is nice and warm, but the heater hasn't gone on at all yet. Still, with the windows closed it is 21C in here, so the neighbors must have their heaters on. I don't like to have the windows closed, but it does make a difference in how warm it stays in here and there's no draft now. I'm still in my clothes and haven't changed into my pajamas, but I will do so shortly. There's nothing cozier than sitting around in my bathrobe and slippers and watching the news on television. The long political drama and the endless human one. That part is not quite so cozy. You do get immune to some degree, though. Hardened, almost, under the onslaught of misery.

I hope you all have a good night or that you are still having a good day. We had a partly rainy and partly sunny one here ourselves. Real Autumn weather.



Maggie May said...

Love the series of flowers that you are using for your posts.

Mustn't strive to be different! Just be you but apply the brakes when necessary.

Maybe Toby feels he is more dog than cat! he sounds rather sweet.
How is Nouri getting on with the Exfactor?

I have just changed into my pyjamas & fleecy bathrobe& I am still wearing my surgical stockings from Monday. I washed them out of course. So I am cosy.
However it sounds like World War 2 because it is Guy Fawkes Night here (5th Nov) and fireworks are going off all around me.

Sleep tight Nora X

Nuts in May

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm in high speed heaven GSW flying out to Toronto tomorrow morning and staying there for a couple of weeks.
it is great that EXF is so kind as you are to him. A very civilized relationship. I don't know what I'd do without my Leo.
Being grown up is knowing when we need help and being unafraid to ask for it.

Chic Mama said...

Just caught up on your week so far.
I get changed into my pyjamas as soon as I can. I'm just glad no one ever knocks on our door in the evening.

Gail said...

I think you should get a tattoo that says Tough Broad. Then when you doubt it, you can read your tattoo.


The Green Stone Woman said...

Chic Mama, you and me both. I am very happy that no one rings my door bell in the evening. I would become very disgruntled. A woman's apartment is her castle, after all.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Sounds like you're re jigging your image. Toying with various ideas. It'll be interesting to see which vision and which version wins out. Or maybe you'll keep rotating to keep everyone guessing.

Gail's idea is great BTW!

Have to say you sound very good and strong right now. Maybe you've taken on the tough broad mentality to help strengthen you again. If so it's a pretty cool trick and I'm going to have to learn it myself!

Have a good night,
Bearfriend xx

Stacie said...

Dear Nora,
I am glad that you are allowing your Ex to help you. It does seem that he wants to help you. I have always imagined myself the tough chick but i know that I am a softie at heart (don't tell my kids). I think recreating ourselves in our minds is part of finding out who we really are. I know you are tough inside though. As a co-mental illness sufferer, we struggle thru pain most will never know (thank God!)>

jeannette stgermain said...

Tough broad? some are...but I like you sensitive! That's who you are! (Also, without that you can't be an artist, maybe that will help you change your mind :) )

nasir awan said...

Fashion is made to become unfashionable.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Stacie, yes, when you have a mental disorder you do suffer greatly, don't you? And you have to be so strong! It's unimaginable. Sometimes I want a medal just for making it through the day.

Nezzy said...

We had a cat here on the Ponderosa one time who knew he was a pig. We would have to toss him out of the trailer every time we loaded feeder pig out. Aren't animals a hoot and a holler.

Ya'll have the best weekend ever filled with a blessing 'round every corner!!!