Happiness in the evening...

I had a strawberry jam sandwich with the crusts cut off. I can handle that if I don't immediately try to drink a cup of coffee afterwards. I do have to wait for the sandwich to make its way down which was kind of a shame because I was in high need of the coffee. I was not only hungry, but also discombobulated because I had just woken up from an unplanned nap.

Because I was so discombobulated, I was ready to throw myself off a high cliff, but I knew I just needed some caffeine so I had to be patient for a little while. And let me tell you, smoking a cigarette does absolutely nothing to make me feel better at such a time. Nicotine does nothing for me mentally when I feel that messed up. 

I went by the pharmacy today and got the new supply of nicotine patches so I can stop smoking again tomorrow. I've smoked for 9 days and am more than eager to quit again. I'll throw away all the tobacco that's left and flush it down the toilet. That way there will be no temptation. I'm smoking as I write this and my chest doesn't feel so good. My body will be glad when I quit. 

I had to go see my therapist today and there was a strong cold wind blowing that I had to ride my bike into and I realized how out of shape I was because I had started smoking again. I had to go uphill at one point and barely made it. That was pretty bad because before I got up there easily. People aren't meant to smoke. It's a pretty bad thing to do to yourself. I certainly notice the difference after not having smoked for a month. 

It's because I became hypo-manic that I started again and my therapist said that it's one of the pitfalls for people who are bipolar. It's harder for us to quit, but that just makes me more determined. I know where the danger lurks now and I'm a warned woman. I'll be smarter the second time around. I look forward to the challenge. 

My therapist found out that I'm a super perfectionist and that made me cry. It was as if she discovered a deep dark secret. Ever since then I've been paying close attention to myself and I notice that I strive for perfectionism in everything I do. It doesn't matter how insignificant the deed is. Every move I make has to be perfect. Every single thing I do has to be perfect. 

Now that I'm aware of that, I can tell myself that they don't have to be, that it isn't necessary. Because I tell myself that, and believe it, I feel a load of stress fall off my shoulders. I purposely am going to do everything imperfectly, just however it turns out. I'm going to allow myself to make errors, if you even want to call them that. I'm not going to strive to be perfect anymore and I'm going to be constantly aware of that and catch myself doing it. 

Vive la vie!

It's very exhausting to have to be perfect all the time. It wears you out emotionally. You have to be a very strong person to carry the load. My therapist says that I'm a strong and courageous person. I have to believe that because she doesn't have to say that. I don't think she says it to make me feel better. I assume they aren't empty words. 

This is something I share with you that I don't share on my other blog. I feel more comfortable saying it here. I have to be more perfect on my other blog. I have to keep up appearances there. It's not that I don't like my other blog. It serves its purpose too. I do have to have a public self. Everybody has to. We all have to function outside in the big world.

Well, it's rime to move on to other things. Be good.

Ciao,

http://irenesieders.typepad.com/irenes-dutch-diva-blog/

For old time's sake...

I'm trying out being back here for a time or two while I have to stress that this is not my main blog anymore. That's the one that's listed in the top right of the sidebar. That's where I do my real serious writing. But I do have to say that I was a little bit homesick for this one, so for old time's sake I'm going to write a post here and maybe I'll do it more often. 

I do have those hours to spare in the middle of the night when I've gotten up out of a sound sleep and I've had my cups of coffee and am about to have my glasses of milk. Since it is now going to be Sunday morning, I can waste these hours all I want and take my time going back to bed.

There is kind of a comfort to be on familiar ground and feel that I don't have to pull a rabbit out of my hat. I don't have to perform any party tricks. I don't mean to imply that I can lie down on the job and write just any sort of nonsense here, but I do feel less pressure to be perfect. Maybe I feel that my audience is more kindly here. I feel that you don't scrutinize me the way I feel scrutinized on my other blog. The fact that I share it on facebook probably has a lot to do with that. I do feel naked to the world. 

It's with some amount of pleasure that I think about the coming day, although I have nothing too special planned. Later in the afternoon, my sister and I are going to see the film "The Help." I gave her the book to read for Christmas and she enjoyed it very much. I have yet to read it, but I don't mind seeing the film first. It will be a fun outing because the theater is so nice to go to. It's got a good ambience and a cozy cafe. . 

I will take the dog for many walks because the weather has been good and perfectly nice to go out in. He does so enjoy going for walks and it keeps him from getting cabin fever which was beginning to become a problem. He became a bit bored with things and I realized that he had to go out more. Besides, it's good for me too. We both benefit. Nature isn't that beautiful yet, but things are starting to pop out of the ground and make you hopeful for springtime. We have to be patient just a little while longer.

If you feel so inclined, don't forget to go to Irene's Dutch Diva Blog. 

Ciao,

Irene

Saving Fish From Drowning!

For those of you who had not noticed it yet, I am blogging over here now. Please come and join me.

See you there,
Nora.

Don't forget....

Don't forget that I'm here now....

Updated

The other blog has been updated, I just wanted you to know, including the text, so there is no confusion. Also, since there were only hours left on the first poll, and since I muddled things up by changing the name and image, I put up a second poll that only gives you two choices, that makes it nice and simple, doesn't it? I hope you'll be kind enough to vote in this second poll also. I'm sorry that I confused matters so much in the first poll. That sure didn't make it easy on you.

Now I'm sitting here all nice and comfortable with my second mug of coffee and the Überhund at my feet. Outside it is 1 degree Celsius and it is raining, causing the Überhund to decline going out back for a piddle. Well, I can't blame him. I wouldn't voluntarily go outside either in this weather.

Once I got the show on the road yesterday, I walked to the tobacconist with him and he enjoyed that, because it is a different direction than we usually take and there was a lot for him to sniff. We had to stop at every tree and every lamppost to check out which dogs had been there. They were all strange dogs, of course, so the Überhund was quite busy.

Inside the tobacconist he was very impatient to go back outside again, he just doesn't like to be in strange places. He thinks they're all scary and he gets claustrophobic. He's always pointed to the door. If he could audibly heave a sigh of relief when we leave, it would be a very large one.

Then again, there is all that fun on the way home of checking out all those same spots again and relishing all those strange smells and hopefully finding something edible. He's a street junkie. He has eaten something before I can stop him, he's that quick. When I say, "Drop it," he swallows it, whatever it was. He is very nondiscriminatory. I think he eats inedible junk too.

I have to remember that I'm a daytime person and not pay attention to my moods in the evenings. There is such a difference between how I feel during the day and how I feel after the sun has gone down. I don't know if that's a coincidence. I can be very down on myself and everything and everybody around me. It has gotten to the point now, that I know I shouldn't comment on any blogs that I read, or write a post myself. I'm terribly grumpy on top of that and feel like picking fights with people, even when there is nobody around.

I have imaginary disagreements in my head and I am always angry when I have those. I don't feel that way during the day, so it is like a page has been turned over and I have suddenly moved from one scene to the next. The mood changes quickly, like a sudden change in the weather. Suddenly I am not a kind tolerable person anymore, but an unkind and intolerant bitchy woman.

The best thing that can happen, is that I recognize these changes in my mood and that I don't act on them, but back off any actions and go find a quiet place where I can do no damage. So, I put on my pajamas and turn on the TV and watch some inane program that takes my mind off everything and makes me sleepy. It's a good thing that I am alone then and don't go into a discussion with anyone.

By all rights this blog should be called 'The Finely Tuned Woman.' It's a shame that I didn't think of that earlier. The Idiosyncratic Watermelon is a good second , though. I like that word, idiosyncratic, it comes close enough to idiot and don't worry, I don't really think I am one. Complicated, yes, crazy, no.

Luckily, I go to sleep and I hopefully sleep long enough for it to be healing. Then I can wake up in the morning with a whole new attitude and be a kind and positive person again.

I woke up at 3 AM and thought, "What, am I supposed to be awake already now?" But then I realized that I just had to go to the toilet and when I was done, I crawled in bed again and very quickly was asleep again until 8 AM. If I'm not too stubborn, I can actually sleep for a long time.

I do have to get a second alarm clock, since the one I have is set for the times that I take my medicines. I'll have to ask the Exfactor if he has the spare one. He is coming by this afternoon, because he accidentally took my bicycle keys with him.

Well, I suppose I'll get going now. It is late and I still have to do my morning ritual. I think it has stopped raining too, so I have to walk the Überhund. See you all tomorrow.

Ciao...

P.S. Yes, I have done the unthinkable and unpredictable and added a new name and image. I am incorrigible and will never learn. It makes me unreliable and a general pain the neck, I know.

Early in the morning.

I just want to write a quick post while I can, since it is so early in the morning and I am just waking up with my first mug of coffee.

For those of you who have not caught on to the heavy hints that have been dropped, I suggest that you go to this interesting weblog here. Maybe you will enjoy it. I can't get it much clearer than that, since the first sheep have already crossed the dam.

I've had a wonderful sleep, after falling asleep on the sofa last night while watching the news. Yes, watching the news does that to me, to my great shame. Now I still don't know what is happening in the world. When I woke up, it was 11:30 PM and out of habit I turned on the computer and blogged for awhile until I was sufficiently tired again, so you could say that I got enough sleep.

I am lucky that the Überhund doesn't require his late night walks anymore, but just goes to sleep after I have walked him at around 7 PM. I used to think that he wouldn't make it through the night, but now I know that he has excellent bladder control and can wait a long time between walks. If he does make a fuss, it is because he wants to eat and the clearest sign of that is when he starts to eat the cat food. I am not always clear on when he is hungry or when he just wants a snack. Sometimes he wants to eat twice a day and sometimes he doesn't. He is a fickle old dog.

Well, I saw my SPN and I don't know what to say about that. I felt like I had kept all sorts of secrets from her. Like, for instance, the fact that I had stopped taking the temazepam during the day, which she said was something I should have discussed with her beforehand. So, she wasn't too happy about me doing that on my own, although she understood my wanting to do without.

Then there was the divorce party, which I had not discussed with her before and which she showed some concern about on my part and I felt that I had to ease her mind about that and tell her that it was really no big deal and that it was no stress factor for me at all and that I could handle it just fine and that I had let go of the Exfactor sufficiently enough to be able to have a party like this. While I was reassuring her of these things, I was really concerned if they were true or not, but I felt I was on the road of no return, so I had to take this attitude. I really felt I was being dishonest to her, though, and not being open about my feelings.

There was also the deal about the Random Word Generator and the images and, although technically I had kept myself to the promise, I had found a hole in the maze and figured out a way to do it anyway, which I told her honestly about. It made me feel like a bit of a fraud anyway. Like a dishonest person.

So really, I felt like during that session I was bullshitting her and it does not leave me feeling good about myself. I think I will write her an email today and tell her about that and clear the air between us. I don't like the way things are left now.

It is a wicked web we weave, when first we learn how to deceive. And who do we fool the most? Ourselves! Right...that's as obvious as anything and the most painful part.

Today is ergo therapy day. I am not looking forward to it. I already feel the irritation moving up in my body and that is not a good sign. I thought I had made it clear to myself that I would give it a good try, but now I am sitting here with a bad attitude. I have to overcome this and go in there with an open mind and not a preconceived set of ideas that I need to have confirmed.

Right. Lessons learned today. What not to do to complicate your own life.

I have to get going now. There are things to do and showers to take. Faces to put on and hair to brush. Medicines to take and a dog to walk.

Have a good day you all.

Mwah!