Dream a little dream of me...

I'm sitting here in my bathrobe with cold hands and cold ankles. I only have myself to blame because I haven't turned up the heater. I want to be stoic and pretend I don't need to because I will go back to bed again shortly. Besides, it really isn't that cold in here and the rest of me is warm enough. It's only the exposed bits that are chilled. I did just started drinking cold milk so the inside of me will be chilled too soon.

I didn't have an internet connection when I first got up, but I had been warned by my provider that I might not have because they were going to be working on the network during the night. After waiting patiently for some time and reconnecting the modem a few times, I had my connection back and could do all the fun things I'm used to doing when I get up during the night. I do have to perform my rituals before I can go back to sleep. 

Yesterday I received a Christmas care package that I'm sure my personal helper arranged for me. It was rather a large box and in it were all sorts of good foods that are perfect for this holiday season. It will keep me from having to buy some things that I had on my shopping list. There was even a bottle of wine in it and a package of coffee. It was a complete surprise as I had not expected one this year. 

Yesterday was sort of an odd day. I felt out of sorts and couldn't concentrate on anything. I was aware of the fact that things needed to get done, but I felt unable to do them. I decided in the end that the day was going to be a waste and not to worry about it and that I would catch up later when I felt better. I didn't get back to normal until the evening when I finally landed back to earth and felt connected again. By that time I had to go to bed, but at least I went to sleep in a good state of mind. 

Of course now, during the night, I'm very capable of rational thought and I can think about the day ahead with much clarity and it all seems very simple. I hope I still feel that way when I get up again in a few hours. I always have much courage during the night, but it seems to leave me during the daytime hours.

I will go back to bed now and get under the warm duvet. Outside it is very cold and it feels like -11C. At least it isn't snowing. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Snow!

It's been snowing for about four hours and we have several centimeters of it. So far it's still pretty and Tyke and I have already been out in it. We got a dusting of it all over ourselves. I was smart enough to wear my snow hat and it didn't mess up my hair too much. Tyke enjoyed it in the snow. I knew he would. He's that kind of dog, but I think all dogs like snow. They are like kids and like the adventure of it. It's going to keep snowing tonight and during the night. It's going to be cold.

I had a productive day today anyway. I got chores done in the morning and took a shower and found some nice clothes to wear. I discovered a top that I had forgotten the existence of. Isn't it nice if you are forgetful? It made me think of another top I had forgotten the existence of. Then I rediscovered some ankle boots that were very dusty, so I cleaned them up and put them on and took Tyke for a walk. 

I made phone calls that were necessary and checked my bank account and discovered a little surprise, which made me happy, and tried to figure out a way to get 10 detailed and descriptive bills from the Internet company, but I'm still working on that. I may not be successful with them, because I have an All in One Package and pay a flat rate. 

When my personal helper got here, I already had a lot of things done and I was ready to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a good chat, which I don't think she minded. We did do the dishes and I broke the handle of one of my favorite mugs. I will see if I'm able to glue it back on. I hope I have the right glue. I don't want the handle to come unstuck when the mug is filled with hot chocolate. 

Right after she left, the Exfactor showed up, but he was unable to fix my tire, because he didn't bring the right tools to take my chain guard off. Apparently, my screwdrivers were too short, so he's coming back tomorrow. That's when he'll do the groceries too, because he was unable to do them without the use of my bike. Luckily, I have just enough milk left to last until the morning. Actually, I think he was too tired and in no shape to do the job. It's better if he does it tomorrow when he's better rested. 

In the meantime, my domestic help had shown up and as a treat to me she completely cleaned up my whole patio of all the leaves that had covered it and she got it done in half the time it would have taken me. It had been a job that the prospect of was going to give me ulcers. I fretted about it so much and the longer I put it off, the worse it got and now, just on time, she got it done before the snow started to fall. I do feel like I have guardian angels in my life. 

She does stay and visit now when she's done with her work and we talk about  ordinary every day things and get to know each other. I'm old enough to be her mother and she says 'thee' to me. I like people addressing me that way. It's a sign of respect and I appreciate it. I do reciprocate by being respectful to her too. 

After she left, I walked Tyke in the snow and when I came home I discovered that I had no Internet connection, which I tried to remedy by taking the cable out of the modem for 5 minutes like they recommend, but I did that five times and I still had no connection, so I called technical help. The woman there told me to check my Internet connection at the hard drive and I did and voila, I was on line again. Apparently Tyke had pulled loose the cable when he chased his ball. I must remember to check that, because I think this has happened to me before. I bet I'll forget it again the next time.

The delivery boy from the pharmacy was just at the door and he brought so much cold with him that now I am cold and he was standing in the relatively warm stairwell. It's 28F but it feels like 22F. I will take Tyke out. It's not snowing too badly now.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Completely...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm completely wide awake, smoking the last of my cigarettes until I go to the pharmacy first thing in the morning to pick up my nicotine patches. When I first got up I was miserable and grumpy and out of sorts and chain smoking, until I had my cup of coffee and then I was okay and a more reasonable human being. Coffee does set me to rights and I can never do without it. It's like a medicine to me. I sorts out my brain. I'm convinced of the healing powers of caffeine in my case. I don't know what it does for you, but for me it is a very positive experience.

I read blogs, which I was behind on, and left comments on most of them. Some of them I had not read in three days, so I was shamefully behind. I had not been in the proper mood and could not bring myself to read them, let alone comment on them. I am caught up now and can relax again. I feel I've had my enjoyment and done my duty. I read some blogs that I hardly ever comment on, because I feel a little bit like a stranger there, but I'm a faithful follower. I hope the fact that I show up counts for enough.

I had not planned to stay up, but now that I am, I am going to make the most of it and enjoy myself. I'm in such a good mood now that I want to take advantage of that and let the situation last as long as possible. I'm not going to spoil it by going to bed. There's not a hair on my head that's thinking about it anyway. I'm too excited to go to bed just now.

I do have very interesting dreams when I sleep and I wonder how much they are influenced by what I hear on the radio while I'm asleep. I have elements in my dreams that were not there before, so I'm sure they are coming from outside, but I give my own twist to them and incorporate them into my own fantasies. Music is part of it and I do dream about that regularly, but have people play it whom I know very well. Or have them sing songs. Still, although I listen to a Dutch radio station, all my dreams take place in the English language, of that I'm sure, and I find that interesting. My dreams are all very dramatic and look like large screen movie productions with special effects and a music score and everything. Like a filmed opera, I suppose. There's wailing going on too, sometimes. Lord only knows what I listen to at night.

I talked to my sister yesterday and she told me that her party went on until 2:30 in the morning. Can you imagine lasting that long? I would have called it quits by midnight. I'm so obviously not a party animal and my sister so obviously is. She always has a lot of fun in a crowd of people. I do better in small intimate groups. She's a very outgoing person, a real extrovert and shares herself with anyone and everybody. I'm more introverted and private and share myself sparingly. Except on my blog, that's the exception. I share myself here because I can be contemplative and choose my words carefully and show what I want to show, although I'm not that secretive about myself. For the most part, I'm pretty open and tell it like it is in a mostly rational way.

For the past few days I've felt a bit down and I thought that maybe I was getting depressed, but it seems to have lifted now and I feel better. I suppose those are just the natural cycles that people go through that I have to get used to. Not every mood has to have a significant meaning, except for the last one I had, which was distinctly hypomanic and could have gotten me into a lot of trouble. As it is, the damage was relatively small and I didn't do anything too crazy, except for buying a new sofa and coffee table and area rug. That's still within reason, just about. I'm going to pay them off with the money I save on the tobacco I won't be buying anymore. That adds up to a large amount of money.

I'm afraid of the black dog that's always stalking me in the background, but maybe he will stay in the background this season. I've had years when he didn't appear at all, and maybe this will be one of them. I'm as prepared as I can be and have all systems in place. I know I can count on the light therapy lamp to elevate my mood, there's no doubt about that. It's a shame that I had lost faith in it and didn't use it last year. It would have saved me a lot of bother.

Yesterday afternoon I didn't have an Internet connection. I reset the modem four times, unsuccessfully. I finally called the help desk and they talked me through the procedure and it turned out in the end that the cable in the hard drive wasn't plugged in properly. Duh! I think Tyke must have pulled it loose when he went to retrieve his ball. It sure puzzled me and I hadn't thought of that solution, but I will from now on. It will be the first place I look if and when it happens again. You learn a new lesson every day. It makes you appear a little dumb, but I don't care about that. Let them think what they want, as long as I have my connection back.

Well, I'm going to enjoy the last hours of my smoking life. I have to stock up on some air freshener and Febrèze. I'm going to treat the whole apartment and do lots of laundry. I will have the place smelling good in no time.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday Morning.

It's -12C outside, so I'm not quite ready yet to go and walk the dog. I hope he can wait a while until it gets just a bit warmer. I'm sure all the ice skating fanatics are ready at every bit of open water that's frozen over and are out there tying on their skates now before it gets to crowded on the ice. There are a lot of ice skating fanatics in this country. It's in the blood. Last year there was lots of good skating on natural ice, so nearly everybody has skates now and they will want to put them to good use. I wonder if there will be another run on skates by the people who didn't manage to get a pair last season, because they were all sold out. The manufacturers couldn't keep up with the demand.

I managed to sleep eight hours last night, yet after I got up and had my breakfast and took my morning medication and answered some emails, I went back to bed and slept another three hours. I don't know if that is because of the tranquilizers that I take or because I just needed the additional sleep. I would have to try and not take the tranquilizers some morning and find out, Maybe I can do that tomorrow and see what happens. I'm reluctant to go without any of my medicines, because of the changes in my constitution, but sometimes it's worth trying to see if it makes any difference in my energy levels. Like I am doing now with the antipsychotic.

I haven't noticed any difference so far in my interest in tackling the apartment and that is what I'm really waiting for. I'm waiting for that little burst of energy that will get me started on the jobs I have to do. Some boost in my level of interest in getting those things done. The fact that I care enough to. Right now I don't see that changing. I am mostly uninterested in most anything I would have to do and I find myself putting off other things as well until the moment that they can't be put off any longer. I guess it's the approaching deadline that works as a motivating factor for me right now, but it's always looming over me as the sword of Damocles. It's not how it ought to be. I hope to see some change in that today.

--------------------

I've just been absent for quite a while. I had to walk the dog and then I got distracted by a website that offered very good wallpaper, but I had to click through the images randomly, so sometimes it took a while before I found a good one. It was just the sort of almost mindless job that I was interested in, because every once in a while I got excited when I found one that I liked and I could save. That's the kind of work I need to do. Just stick me behind a computer and let me do mind numbing work that occasionally is exciting to keep my interest going. There must be lots of jobs like that.

I pick images that I'd like to have on my screen as wallpaper, but I also have been using them as images for the tops of my posts lately and I got feedback that they were well liked. So, the only criteria I have, is if I would like the image as a wallpaper. If the answer is yes, then I download it and save it. You wouldn't believe the good stuff that you can find on the Internet and it's all anarchistically for free. No, the Internet is not democratic. It's a jungle and a free for all. We assume we will all be polite and gentlemanly, but whose to say we will be? It's amazing that it works so well. Just don't hang out in the fringes.

Of course, I'm not getting anything valuable done, though I did just clean up cat barf. Gandhi had eaten dog food and was too greedy with the obvious result. For some reason the dog decided not to eat it and I had not noticed that, being so wrapped up in what I was doing. I do have a one track mind sometimes and only a gagging cat will disturb me.

It's time to come back to reality and have a good look around me and see what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am wasting my time fruitfully. I can get so lost in things, I'm sure you all have the same problem, but isn't that pleasant, though? It's really nice when you're doing something that completely takes your mind off things and lets you not have a care in the world for a while. I completely forgot my surroundings, I was so lost in those images. It just goes to show you which photos you don't have to take, because they've already been taken by somebody else, unless you want them as your own mementos.

It also shows you which photos are just pure kitsch and that you should not take them for the sake of good taste. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you see many of them like it on a photography website, you realize they're no good and it is a waste of time to take them. Photos of babies and puppies and kittens and pretty young women are a dime a dozen. Those aren't the winning photographs. Besides, nowadays you can't take photos of half naked children without feeling that they're going to be exploited somehow. I would be very uncomfortable placing them. Equally with shots of alluring young women. Why do we need them anyway, if not to draw the male viewer in with promises of sensuality? Those are not the photographs that are appealing to me and I'm certainly not going to download them, although some of them are quite beautiful. There's so much you don't want to do in this day and age. We're past the age of innocence.

Oh, I'm moralizing, aren't I? Well, I will get off my soap box and get back down to street level where I belong. I certainly can't dictate good taste, although I think everyone should have it. I do realize it develops depending on your circumstances and what you are exposed to. I know that when I lived a middle class life, my tastes were much more pedestrian, although they were slightly more enlightened then your average housewife. I was not as evolved as I am now and who's to say that I am all that evolved now compared to other more enlightened human beings? I may still be very limited in my points of view and be unaware of a whole lot of observations on life that I've not been exposed to. I try my best, though, to stay open and aware.

Well, having wasted a good portion of the day, I will draw an end to this epistle and see if I can do some other things instead. Packaging books may be a useful thing to do. It's always a lot of work and it will keep me busy for a while. I hope I don't run out of steam halfway through. I must finish it all at once.

Have a good day you all. 't Is the weekend before Christmas and no doubt you're all busy getting ready for that. Don't forget to take a breather every now and then.

Ciao,
Nora

Another middle of the nighter.

Well now, what do you think has happened? I was very tired early in the evening and went to bed at 8:30 pm, only to wake up at 12:30 am and find myself wide awake as if it was morning already and time to get up. Of course, I got up, because there is no sense lying in bed looking at the ceiling and ruminating over the past day, so I carefully stepped over the sleeping dog and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of decaf. Since then, I've been sitting here behind the computer trying to keep myself entertained, and in a little while I'm going to sit down at the dining table and paint. I may as well make a productive night out of it.

It's really funny when you get up so early that it's barely even tomorrow yet. You look at the alarm clock and think to yourself that the time can't be right, but then you look at your watch and see that it is and you think, what am I going to do with this whole long night ahead of me? Of course, there are always numerous ways to entertain yourself on the Internet and I don't quickly run out of things to do.

Nowadays I even go to Facebook every day and that is something I used to neglect to do for long periods of time. I am a much better networker now than I used to be, although I don't use it to its full advantage, but I see people who do and I admire their enthusiasm and stamina. I like to see the artists and the pieces of art they create and I always hope there is new work to look at. Some of them are most excellent and the more abstract the art, the better I like it, because I am a primitive figurative painter myself. I always try to befriend artists and when I browse through suggested friends, that's what I look for. Many people have their artwork as their ativar.

Of course, I also read all the new posts of all the blogs I follow and leave comments there. I don't actually visit many artists blogs, because I like to read stories and I'm interested in how people tell them and use the language and get their point across and how a story unfolds. I also like the various subjects people write about and that make me think about things in my own life, although I also read a lot of Mommy blogs and I am certainly past that stage. I read those for the humor and the human interest and to remember my own experiences and to know I was not so unique in them. They're very eye opening.

So anyway, slowly the hands of the clock are moving toward the morning hour. It's becoming a more and more decent hour to be up as I feel the day creeping towards me. I want it to stay nighttime a little while longer, because I do want to paint for a while and I want to do that before I have to get dressed and walk the dog and get started on my chores. I do have those chores waiting for me and I think today might be the day that I tackle some of them.

I have an almost total lack of interest in how clean my floors are. I mean I sweep and vacuum them, but I hardly get around to mopping them. It just doesn't turn me on. The thought of bringing out the mop and the bucket is almost more than I can bear to think about. Isn't that silly? And I know that when I make a bucket full of suds, I will have those floors done in no time at all. It is just a matter of getting over the initial inertia.

It must have to do with the fact that by nature I'm not a good housewife at all and it displeases me to have to do it. I like things to be organized and picked up, but I don't like the actual cleaning and scrubbing. It's that my mother taught me how to clean house, otherwise I might not have liked to do it at all. We girls had to help clean the house from top to bottom every Saturday and we weren't dismissed until it was all done. We weren't allowed to complain about it either. And we had to dust all the baseboards, something I don't do now and it shows. My knees don't allow baseboard cleaning. They are too knobby and bony for it on the hard linoleum. Some day...I must keep my chin up and remember that one day the whole living room is going to be painted and that will include the baseboards.

Well, now I'm going to paint before it's too late to get started on it. This was just a wee hours of the morning ramble. I'll try to write something decent later on in the day. Maybe I'll be mightily inspired and write an epic story. Yeah!

Have a good day. It's supposed to rain here, so it should be very cozy inside and I'll get to wear layers of clothes when I go out.

Ciao,
Nora

Snow again.

Well, I told you how much I wanted winter to be over and now winter has taken revenge by letting it snow again. The skies are gray and I think there is more snow coming and I am not amused. I forgot that February can be this way, that it is a winter month and that it is not at all a harbinger of springtime, regardless if some people have snowdrops in their garden like Bev does.

There is a light dusting of snow on the streets now, as if someone has sifted powdered sugar all over them. It looks very appealing, but I am waiting for more and I have such a good hairdo now, that I don't want to ruin it by wearing my woolly hat or by having it sprinkled by snow. So that is quite a dilemma.

Yesterday I spent quite some hours on Facebook, more than I ever have before. I decided to throw myself into it and catch up with everything and everybody. It was a lot of fun, as long as you ignore some things that people insist on sending you and which you are supposed to send back and forward to all of your friends. I simply don't do that, because it is a never ending exercise. I only send and receive chocolates and birthday cards.

I joined some support groups and some fan clubs and invited my friends to do the same. There isn't always a huge success rate in this, but it is always worth a try. Not everyone gets excited about the same things. Besides, you can ignore whatever gets thrown your way, especially when you feel overloaded with requests.

The most fun is checking on the status of your friends and leaving comments on their activities, as that usually gets a conversation going. Sometimes with hilarious results.

I remember when I first joined Facebook and how much I disliked it. That was before I filtered what I reacted to and I felt constantly overwhelmed. I was afraid to go there anymore and quit it shortly after I joined. Then, some time later, I had a change of heart and rejoined, which was easy to do, because Facebook had saved all of my information.

Now I go there when I have the time and the energy for it, which would be on Sundays, which is my day off anyway. Contrary to what I claimed some time ago, I am sitting behind the computer quite often again, though I still limit the amount of blogs I read and comment on. Slowly the habit sneaks back in, though.

I woke up at 3 AM and put my bathrobe on and walked into the living room with this vague idea that maybe I was awake, but then I laid down on the sofa and went back to sleep. At least I am learning my lesson about not turning on the computer and smoking a cigarette while drinking a cup of coffee. That is funnest, a mistake I won't make.

The new coffee pads are great and the coffee tastes much better than the old coffee. There really is a difference and instead of making a double mug with two pads, I now make a single mug with one pad, otherwise it is too strong. Now I'll have to see how much these pads are when they are not on sale, and if they don't cost an arm and a leg I'll switch to these. I suppose you do have to pay for quality coffee, but man, it makes a difference.

The Internet provider that I ended up not going with, because they did not send me the installation packet when promised, billed me for services for the month of January. Of course, I called them right away to set them straight, but they acted like they did not believe me and said they would investigate. In the meantime, I had the bank retrieve the money that had already been taken from my account. Incompetency rules. Never trust an Internet provider. They are a bunch of fools.

Well, on that note I will leave you and get some work done around here. Have a wonderful day, all of you and then tell me all about it.

Ciao...

Lazily.

How very tranquilly and lazily I start the morning. I have had 2 mugs of coffee and am about to have a mug of decaf. The Überhund has had his breakfast and is busy digesting. The cats are slightly disgusted, because they didn't get anything so good, but all is really well and it has even stopped raining for a bit. This low pressure system is coming to us by way of England, so I know what sort of weather they are having there.

I am sitting here in my red bathrobe and pajamas and I think that is a pure luxury. The blinds are still closed, but I could open them and not be embarrassed. Anyone who wants to look inside will see a woman who is quite contended, sitting behind her computer with a nice mug of coffee and a cigarette. They should all be so lucky.

Yesterday, the installation packet from the Internet provider I canceled in December arrived and I sent it back right away. It took some doing, because I had to call them first for a return address and a return number that allowed me to send it for free. I was on hold for quite some time.

Considering that I had canceled them after not having them deliver it on time, and after receiving a letter from them that they could not provide me the service I asked for, it is very ironic that the installation packet finally did arrive when I had no use for it and so very late. I think these companies don´t have their heads screwed on straight and I wonder how they even manage to do any business, except that you seem to be caught in their web once you are in their system and you need to watch out for yourself very well. Their right hand doesn´t seem to know what their left hand is doing.

Today I have an evaluation for my therapies. It consists of filling out questionnaires and having a talk with the top therapist about your status and your goals. On Monday I have another evaluation with my SPN there as well. You get evaluated every 4 months and a decision is made as to how much time you still need and if you are moving in a forward motion. The purpose is that you are, of course, and I think I am.

I don´t know. Sometimes I am so full of confidence and I am so convinced of my ability to do well. I don´t know where that courage comes from and I know it isn´t constant, but I´m happy when it is there. I feel that I can take on the world and be unbeatable and I am not intimidated by anything. I could singlehandedly slay an army of opposing forces and be right and justified in everything I do.

Okay, I need to get going now. It is well past start the morning time and some chores are waiting for me.

Have a terrific day, I am planning on having one myself.

Ciao...

uregently...

as i told you in my post last night, i am not using any capital letters because of my shift key and it also means that i type my posts in about half the time it usually takes me. please read that post to see how it all came to be and how i am and about my internet troubles.

i was awakened this morning on the early side by the überhund who had to go outside urgently, meaning that all that food he ate yesterday had gone through his digestive system, which is good, because lately what he produced hadn't amounted to much. so that was good news.

i'm happy to tell you that today i feel normal and awake and cheerful and that i am enjoying my coffee and my cigarettes as i usually do and that i do not feel down and tired and sleepy. so, whatever it was that hit me yesterday, is gone now and i am much relieved. it is possible for me to totally recall these feelings and the anxiety i felt with them, but i won't bother and just leave them behind me.

i think that a lot of the anxiety has to do with the internet troubles and if i can just get a different mindset about that, i will save myself a lot of wear and tear. i have always known that i have a low stress threshold and i must not forget that in a period like this.

the exfactor is coming over with a new keyboard this morning, so i will be able to capitalize my letters again, although i like typing this way. he is going to help me when the installation packet arrives from the new internet provider and, although i do not like being dependent on him this way, i do know that i probably can't do it on my own. it's a double sided coin, or is it a double edged sword? i'm not sure which expression is appropriate here.

well, i have been sitting here for 2o minutes now without writing anything down, just drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. that ought to tell me something, don't you think? probably that i don't have anything of interest to tell you. i am having a severe case of writer's block. i need sweet william's book about blog writing.

i'll hang up then. get myself ready to go to the store early and get the shopping done.

have a great day.

ciao...

later...

i am not going to bother capitalizing anything, because my shift key doesn't work and i can use the other little shift key, but it is a terrible bother and slows me down something awful. besides, you are still capable of reading this, so i won't worry about it too much.

i think i figured out why the überhund was asking for treats all the time. i think he was just plain hungry, because he didn't like his food and wasn't getting enough nutrition. luckily, i had bought a new bag of dog food at the store the other day. it is the same brand as he always gets, but this time the chunks were bigger and meatier, and frankly, they looked more appetizing. so i opened that bag and poured some in his dish and started to hand feed him. he decided that he liked that very much and after a while he started eating on his own, until he had eaten about half of it. i then fed him the rest of it by hand again until everything was gone and i knew he would be full.

he didn't beg for food again until this evening, so i again poured some of the chunks into his dish and hand fed him until he was full. there are just 5 chunks left in the dish now and he is very content. i think he needs to learn to eat properly, as this always has been an issue with him. he has always been very picky about his food and never really liked anything, but he seems to like these chunks and especially when i hand feed them to him. i don't mind encouraging him a little. i just want to make sure he is really full and it seems to work. this way i know he is getting some decent food into him.

i seem to be doing better this evening than i was this morning, although it has been an off day. i have felt so down and tired and it is just now that i feel some of my energy returning. i did talk to my spn over the telephone and i will be in contact again with her tomorrow to let her know how i am then. neither one of us knows exactly why this has happened, so we will chalk it up to just one of those days that will hopefully not repeat itself.

i am waiting for the installation packet from the new internet provider. it should have been here yesterday, but when i called the help desk to ask where it was, they could not tell me so specifically. if it's not here tomorrow, i'm screwed, because that is the last day of service with my old provider. my old provider withdrew money from my bank account for the month of january, but has promised to return it, and my new provider has withdrawn money from my bank account for a bill dated 22-12 that i have never seen. these kinds of things drive me crazy and it means making costly phone calls and being put on hold endlessly.

aaarrrggghhh...

there, that feels better. it's not like i'm frustrated or anything, you know.

tomorrow morning i have to go to the grocery store early before the shopping madness starts for the new year. i only need to get a few things, but they are things i need for when the stores are closed new year's day. another holiday! enough of them already.

well, i am going to watch some tv now and then go to bed early. i'll try to make it as cozy as i can for myself.

have yourself a good night.

ciao...

Awake again.

I just woke up from a nice long nap on the sofa and the Überhund thinks that this is a good opportunity to beg my attention for something good to eat in the form of a treat. I am undecided what to do now, because he hasn't done anything to deserve it and he has a bowl full of food that he is ignoring. I think I need to be very strict and ignore him until he starts to eat from his bowl of food. He sure is laying it on thick, though. You'd think I was a very cruel person for treating him so badly. I think he has been spoiled too often.

For some reason, I thought I had an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and I got myself all ready to go and just before I left I checked my agenda again and saw that the appointment was tomorrow. So there I was, all gussied up with no place to go. Instead of that, I did the dishes and cleaned my computer desk. That was somewhat gratifying too.

Luckily, I had no pressing problems on my mind that I absolutely needed to talk about and that could not wait. Since I am back on my original antipsychotic medication, I have been feeling so good, that I feel blessed every day that goes by without an incident. I feel so very lucky in knowing that I am taking the best medication there is for me and that it works so well. I will never take those little orange tablets for granted again. As if I ever did, really.

Within the next two days I am changing Internet providers, but if things don't go exactly according to plan, it is possible that I may be off line for a day or so. I hope this is not going to happen and I have been assured that it won't, but you never know. So, if I'm not here, you know where I am. In a frustrated place. I am feeling just the tiniest amount of stress about this, but I must remember not to worry about it, because it is only Internet after all, it is not a life support system, ha, ha.

Well, that's my little simple message for this evening. For the more riveting stuff, I refer you to this morning's post.

Have a good night.

Ciao...

Internet.

I just signed up with a new Internet provider who is also going to provide me with telephone and TV service and I should save about 20 Euros a month. The good part is that I'll be getting one bill a month instead of two like I am getting now, covering different periods of time, making the whole thing less clear, which was not the deal when we signed up initially. It was supposed to be a one package deal for a much cheaper price, so I made sure that that really was the deal I was getting this time. It seems legitimate, so I'll have to put my faith in it. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please. Every penny counts. I'll have more left over to shop with, ha, ha.

I was only slightly bothered at ergo therapy this morning. Our regular therapist was ill, so we had a stand in, who was equally good and up to date on what is happening in the group. I got to do my song and dance act about having to swallow my bitter pill in order to reach my heavenly heights and that was appreciated by all. At least two people were very relieved that I was not leaving. I have no idea how the rest feels about it. I don't think they care much one way or the other, not knowing me very well yet. Two people didn't show up and one person was late and that is not appreciated very much and I am sure there is going to be an aftermath about this. Showing up and being on time is part of your responsibility.

We had an exercise to do. We had to partner up with different people and with paint claim our appointed space on a large sheet of paper and then lay claim to the shared space. I solved this by drawing a line straight across the shared space and filling everything beneath it up with paint. Other people did it by drawing pretty pictures of birds and flowers and bunny rabbits and fish, but I painted everything brown. I just wanted to lay claim to my space and my share of the shared space and not give anyone room to enter into mine. I thought brown was an ugly enough color to make that point clear to everybody. I was not in the mood to be kind and careful and considerate and giving by painting fragile and cheerful scenes.

I suppose that could be considered anti social, but it did give the other people all the room to work on their half unhindered by me, because I would not invade them.

Sometimes life's a bitch.

This happened right after the coffee break during which someone asked me why I never talked about my parents and I told her in plain language why I never did and she was very upset about it. I suppose subconsciously, I was upset about it too, although I did not give it a thought once I was done talking about it.

The Exfactor did not come by to do his laundry. He just came by to check on me and to make sure I was alright, so I could assure him that I was and I think it is all getting to be a little bit too much for him, because he had a deja vu moment during which he imagined that we already had the conversation we were having several days earlier. So, I think I need to manage better on my own. The Exfactor is not as stress resistant as we think he is.

I need to be careful who I share myself with. I don't want to overwhelm people with me. The sheer entity of who I am with all the extremes that come with it. You can't just say to a person that you were almost psychotic the other day. That's scary! Unless you are a fellow patient with a similar disability and you know the experience.

Bah humbug!

My greatest friend is the Überhund who loves me no matter what sort of a crazy mood I am in. He is always patient with me. He thinks I am just great.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day again. It seems that it has been more than six days since I've done that last, but I can't be sure. I don't need that many things. Milk and yogurt and juice. And a treat. Yesterday, I went to the tobacco shop and I also got a Côte d'Or Chocolate bar with truffles. It was so delicious. Chocolate always puts me in a good mood. That's silly, drinking a glass of juice also puts me in a good mood, chocolate is just more decadent. Chocolate is one of those foods that should be very healthy for you to eat, like strawberries.

Last week the Exfactor brought me the last strawberries from the Paramount's garden. They weren't sweet and juicy, but crunchy like apples. Still, they tasted good and I ate them all. It was like forbidden fruit. I don't think the Paramount knew I was eating her last strawberries.

I left the house this morning without having combed my hair. When I got to my destination, I went into the ladies room and fashioned it into something halfway decent with a little bit of water. Still, I felt like carrying a sign that said, "This is not my real hair!" Or one that said, "I am much better looking in real life." Maybe people should always wear signs explaining some bit of themselves on any given day. "Excuse me, I am grumpy today. It's nothing personal."

Now I must go read some blogs or I will be banished from blogland forever.

Mwah!