Friday, January 01, 2010
I'm so glad it is the new year now and a new decade. I am a firm believer in new beginnings and this really feels like one. Basically, I'm an optimist and I assume the best will happen and that is how I look at this coming year. I assume that good things will happen in it and that whatever happens it will come to a good end, even if it has a less than good beginning. I am bound and determined to see the glass half full, if not completely full at times. I feel there will be no end to the possibilities that will come my way and I will meet every opportunity head on.
Oh, see how brave I sound! I must have something extra in my coffee this morning. I'm full of good intentions and I think that's half the work. I don't know if my willpower will be half as great, but I hope that my courage will not forsake me. I'm chicken little who cries that the sky will come falling down sometimes, but I'm also a brave trooper when it is necessary and I can move mountains if I have to. The cause has to be the right one, that's all.
I wasn't so brave last night when I sat here by myself waiting for it to be midnight. I felt kind of sorry for myself, because there would be nobody to kiss me at midnight when all the fireworks went off. I quickly got over that when I got involved watching a fun program on television and forgot about time passing and before I knew it, it was 12 o'clock and I wished myself a Happy New Year. Then all the fireworks went off and the cats went into hiding and I put on my pajamas and waited to go to bed when things had quieted down again. That took about 45 minutes and the cats reappeared and we all went to bed.
Now it literally is the morning of a brand new day and I'm full of good spirits. Not only is it a brand new day, it is a brand new year and that promises something. I'm very curious to see what will happen in it. I wonder if everybody is as full of good intentions as I am. I suppose people are, you can't help yourself, can you? It is kind of exciting to stand at the beginning of a new decade. People must have all sorts of resolutions, although I don't have any as such to keep myself bound to. I just have a general sort of attitude that I hope to carry far into the new year with me. It's better than having a birthday, because today everybody starts afresh. Today the whole world is one big tribe.
It literally is a load of my mind to start this new year. I feel like I've had a very good session of therapy. I was down in the dumps yesterday and felt unable to write a post. I slept a lot and was very tired all day. The events of the past days had really gotten to me and I felt worn out from them and slightly contaminated, as if I had been in contact with something toxic. I was not proud of my own role in them and as time wore on, I could better see what my own mistakes had been. I could more objectively look at the situation and realize that I had been looking for love in the wrong place. The fact that I allowed myself to look for it is an amazing thing to me, because I thought I had sworn it off and here it was clutching me in its claws again.
Even though I don't think of myself as an unattractive woman, I don't think of myself as someone somebody could fall in love with. I see too many flaws in myself to make that a possibility. I think I'm okay at arm's length, but not any closer than that. It was nice to contemplate the possibility that I was wrong and it awakened a little flame in me and made it grow bigger. Now, obviously, this was awakened by the wrong person, but that was just bad timing. The fact is, that suddenly I felt very female and attractive and I haven't felt that way in a long time. It was nice to have that feeling again, even though it turned out only to be an illusion. It has given me some hope for the future. Maybe some day I will feel this way again and it will be with the right person and it will not be an illusion.
Well, I have to get dressed and walk the dog. He is very impatient. It is -1C outside and cloudy and we are supposed to get some snow.
Happy New Year, everyone.