In charge again...

Whatever was bothering me, has stopped doing so. It has stopped making me feel stressed and anxious and left me feeling relaxed and happier. It stopped this afternoon and I've been much pleased ever since. I've celebrated that with several cups of coffee and they in turn made me feel much better too, so it was a double joyful happening. I don't feel that anything can go wrong now. 

I'm enjoying this time as much as I can and am relishing the easiness of it. Hardly anything seems complicated anymore. Things I worried about before seem so benign in nature now. I laugh at the fact that I was intimidated by them earlier. I've certainly found my courage again. I guess you have to hit the bottom a bit before you bounce back up. Luckily, I didn't hit it too hard. 

It goes to show you that you mustn't get too caught up in your temporary moods. They may only be of short nature but you can spend a lot of that time worrying about things when all you need to do is wait for the mood to change. Unfortunately, a person is never smart enough to realize that or maybe some people are very even natured and they don't go through these ups and downs so much. When attacked by stress, I do. 

It usually takes a good dose of realism to get me on the path of the straight and narrow again and that is where I am now. There aren't many bends in the road anymore. Before there were many twists and turns and the whole situation was unforeseeable. I felt I might miss a curve and get a fatal accident. Now I'm cruising along merrily and in charge again and I'm going along at the right speed. 

All this speaking in metaphores does not become me and I'll stop right now and get to reality on all fronts. 

I've just peeled an apple for the dog and he is very happily chowing down on it. Actually, he does eat it very delicately for a dog. He takes rather small bites as if he wants to make it last. He's always very disappointed when he's eaten it all and looks all over the place for bits and pieces. He eats to efficiently for there to be any.

The apartment is  clean and the dishes have been done. I'm ready for the weekend. All I have to do is change the bed and walk the dog. 

Have a good one.

Ciao,
Irene

Massive cheer up time...

I was good this afternoon and took care of all the paperwork that I had left lying around for some time now. I also visited my bank account to see if I was still solvent and paid some bills. I got the end of year bill from the energy company and am actually getting some money back. Phew, that was a relief. I thanked the Higher Being for that big favor. 

When I was all done with the paperwork, the damage was actually very small and I could put a lot of things in the recycle box. The rest was noted and taken care of and filed. I felt very virtuous for having done it in such a relative short amount of time with such little pain. I had not been a job that I was looking forward to, but it always is much less bad than I think it is going to be. 

Now I won't have to put anything off for a while anymore and I can take care of things as they come in. The fun part about emptying the mailbox right now is the fact that there are Christmas cards in it and not just official mail. That does make it a lot nicer and reminds me that I have to send some myself. The season is sneaking up on me before I'm quite ready. I still have to buy stamps. 

My daughter and her father are going to be here in another nine days and will spend Christmas and New Year's here. I haven't seen her in four years and I'm looking forward to it very much. It's very difficult not to see your own daughter for such a long time. You have to close up a lot of feelings inside your heart. I can let them out for a while shortly. 

I just took the dog for a walk in the cold, windy evening air. It was not a great pleasure to be out there, but we survived it anyway. I think the dog minded it less than I did. I should have worn a hat because my head was very cold, but then I thought about 'hat hair.' That's so unbecoming that I decided to be cold instead. I am a vain enough woman not to want to look ridiculous. Even if it is dark outside and nobody will see me and no one will see me when I get home. 

I haven't watched the news tonight. It seems that the stories on the news are all very negative and cause nothing but worry and fear. They tell you everything that's wrong and no way to get out of it. You start to feel so hopeless and helpless. Maybe they are over realistic and maybe they paint the wrong picture. I don't know who or what influences the stories that get told on the news.

I must eat some dinner, my body needs to get fed. The Exfactor brought me some rice pudding and I think I'll have that. 

Have a great evening, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Boosting my ego...

I was going to very self indulgently write a post with no other purpose than to make myself feel good. It's not that I didn't already feel that way. I just wanted  to prolong the feeling as much as possible and inflate it as much as I could. I suppose I wanted to inflate my ego to huge proportions. I wouldn't have been able to fit through the door when I was done.

I don't know why I had this desire. I had not analyzed myself and I was not about to. I just took it as a given that I had it, although you could say that I really needed a moral boost now that I think of it. The minute I said that I wouldn't analyze myself, my mind automatically started to and I couldn't stop it. I immediately became contemplative and wanted an explanation.  I suppose I do have a Freudian streak in me. 

I also knew that I couldn't get away with inflating my ego simply for the sake of making myself feel better. I'd have to do a more sophisticated job than that. I couldn't pull the wool over my own eyes, much as I would have liked to. 

I woke up feeling pretty full of myself and darn near invincible. I felt that I could take on the world. It seemed that whatever I did and said was exactly the right thing and that I could make no mistake. 

That's all very well if you have no censor inside yourself to call a halt to your own exuberant self or if you choose to ignore that person. I'm not so fortunate and can't go on announcing that I'm the emperor without having a good hard look at myself.

I'm somewhat deflated now down to the proper size. I was getting carried away and it is better this way. I fit inside my own skin again. I have no grandiose notions left. 

That doesn't mean I'm down in the dumps now. It isn't as bad as all that. I do still feel good about myself. I'm just more realistic now and having a good honest look. 

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and saw that I had to lose three kilos. That weight did sneak up when I overindulged in vanilla pudding last week. I suppose I won't be putting that on the shopping list anymore for quite a while. I don't like the stomach I've got right now. It's kind of round and not very becoming. That's one area that needs improvement. 

That's just cosmetically. I'll have that fixed in no time. 

It's what's on the inside that counts and for the most part I'm not unhappy with that as it could be so much worse. I am seeing the glass half full. Whatever wrench gets thrown into the works, I manage to extract and get things working again. 

I'm managing to drink small glasses of mild orange juice without upsetting my stomach. I think that's a real victory. I thought I'd never be able to do that again and took the chance when I put the juice on the shopping list.

You see, it's the little things that count. 

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying it one more time...

I wrote such a dull post last night, that I feel that I have to give it another shot and try to improve on it with another post. I don't know yet if this one is going to turn out any better, but I'm going to make a sincere attempt. I can always delete it if it turns into nothing at all, said I, the wisest woman on the block. Ahem...

First I had to make myself a decent pot of coffee instead of drinking a cup of this heated up old coffee that wasn't doing a thing for me. I do need a sufficient supply of mind strengthening beverages when I want to blog well. This task is not to be taken on lightly. I do realize the seriousness of the attempt.

It's best to go on automatic pilot and to write without giving it too much thought. I can edit later. I will rely on my stream of consciousness. Of course, I'm assuming I'm in the possession of such a gift. I must not be waylaid by such concerns and pretend that I am. I possess a huge amount of consciousness and will now put it to work for me, come hell or high water.

Of course, the minute I try, I become stuck for words showing all my inhibitions. I'm a mere human being after all. I used to think I had great meditative qualities and that I could subconsciously make my mind do whatever I pleased. I wanted to reach nirvana and be one with the greater secret of the universe. I never did achieve that state but I had fun trying. 

Now I don't seriously meditate anymore, except that I regularly contemplate my navel while seated in my armchair. I no longer try to reach that blissful state of heavenly existence. That to me is too much like being in a hypo-manic condition. I avoid that if at all possible. I don't want to feel detached from the earth and take on wings. I need to be very much grounded. I would be a fool to attempt bliss. 

Being grounded in reality is my ultimate goal and where I feel most comfortable. That way I can't pull the wool over my own eyes. I always have to face up to the way things really are. Or at least my own perception of them in as straight a manner as I can think about them. Although I am steeped in realism, I do think I sometimes look at the world through rose colored glasses, but who doesn't? 

You'd have to be a fool not to because it would break your heart to look at it any other way all the time. I can't be that callous and continue to live comfortably with myself. You must be allowed to escape from the harsh reality of life. We all do that each in our own way. 

Basically I'm an optimist who sees the glass half full but sometimes even I have my doubts about that. I tend to find the cause of that altered point of view in my own personal make up but isn't it equally likely that it comes from outside causes? How much does environment play a role in how we perceive the world and ourselves?

I did not mean for this to turn into such a philosophical post, but that's what you get when you let your stream of consciousness take over. I'm always very much aware of the insignificant role I play in this world and my large thoughts about it. Under different circumstances I could have played a more influential role, but fate did not decree that. 

I've had my cups of coffee and am fully awakened. Now it is my job to get tired again for a little while because I have to sleep for a few more hours. I will have to drink a glass of warm milk. That usually does the job. The domestic help is coming this morning and I do have to be up on time to let her in. That means I have to be dressed on time too.

Thank good it's Friday again. It will blissfully be the weekend. I say that as if it matters all that much. My weekdays are not bad anymore and I have no real reason to look forward to the weekend so much. It's just the idea of it and the potential freedom. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Taking a break...

I almost always feel stress. I feel stress when I sit in my apartment and I feel stress when I walk the dog. I'm almost constantly a bundle of nerves. At least, I've been especially so lately and now can't remember when I've not been. It seems that I'm always hanging on by the skin of my teeth to some extent, except that now it has taken on extreme forms. 

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning because I didn't want to face the day and I only did so very reluctantly because the dog insisted on it. He had to be let out. I sat in my bathrobe for the longest time drinking coffee with my stomach tied in knots, feeling miserable and trying to figure out how in the world to make it through the day.

When it was noontime, I took my medicines and I also took 20 mg of Temazepam because I didn't know what else to do, but just wanted to be relieved from the enormous pressure that I felt. I had to walk the dog, but kept postponing it until I couldn't any longer. 

Now the Temazepam has started to work and I feel a bit better. As a matter of fact, I wish I would always feel this way. Most of the stress is gone and my stomach is almost not tied in knots anymore. I'm only a little bit neurotic. I think that's what I have: a neurotic personality. I can't explain it any other way. I had a grandmother who was the same way. 

I get very exhausted of being me. I always feel that I have to read an instruction booklet to know what to do with myself but that the booklet has been lost. It's so tiring to deal with these moods and feelings. Sometimes I feel like giving up completely. But then I take a pill like the Temazepam and the pressure is off and I can handle things again for a while. It's so nice to get a bit of relief. 

I curse my genetic make up and wish I had never been born. I don't see any added value to my life here on earth. It serves no purpose whatsoever. I don't see what I add to the common good. I'm basically taking up a tiny little bit of space in a very negative way. 

Don't pay any attention to me. I'm being super realistic and probably need to take another pill. Everybody needs some redeeming qualities and I just don't happen to see mine. 

Ciao,

Nora