Saturday, January 02, 2010

The impossible...

I have put my coat on twice to get on my bicycle to go to the store and both times I have taken it off and hung it back on the coat rack, because the courage to go escaped me. Every once in a while I call my sister to see if she's home, because I know she was planning on going grocery shopping after she came back from Italy. She's not home yet and she may get in quite late and I don't think I should count on her, because she may stop by the store on her way home. Feeling quite desperate, I called the Exfactor and told him my problem, and he promised to go to the store for me tomorrow, because I realized that tomorrow is the first Sunday of the month and all the stores are open. This has caused me to relax quite a bit and I no longer sit here like someone who feels like her heart is being squeezed out of her chest.

It is pretty awful, though, that this fear has me in its grip so very much and that I can't do a thing about it, even though I think I know the origin of it. I feel that every time I even contemplate going to the store, there is a little kid in me screaming not to do it and the little kid wins. It's almost like a phobia and asking me to go to the top floor of a very tall building and to look over the edge. I'm incapable of doing that also. I would become immobilized by fear. At least knowing that the grocery store is open tomorrow settles me down some, because I know that one way or another I will get my groceries.

I haven't taken any extra medication, because I don't have that much to go around and I want to save it for when I really have to go by myself and there is no other way out. I wish I could walk to the store and get what I need, somehow that would be less bad, I think, because I feel like a moving target on my bike, but I can't carry that many things back with me and the milk is heavy.

Alright now, it is time for me to calm down and take a deep breath and relax. Basically the problem is solved until the next time, and then I will find a solution again.

I think I'll go wash the dishes now. I've been too nervous to do them and now would be the right time. It would give me something useful to do and feel good about. I also need to eat. I mustn't forget that.

It's always something, isn't it?



aims said...

What about finding (used) one of those things that they pull behind bikes that hold children? You could put your groceries in that and not worry about falling over.

Lucky Dip Lisa said...

Seems to me that it must take more courage to admit your feelings and pour them out here and to the ex-factor than it would be to do the grocceries. I think you are brave and I hope you will find it in you to jump on the bike and do what you need to do. I admire your ability to be so aware of who you are.

Happy 2010, I hope it's a great year!

Twain12 said...

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you, sending you my love !!

Gail said...

A wagon or cart would work. Maybe you could find one someone no longer needs for their children.

Glad you have a solution and are feeling better about it.

I hate grocery shopping too.

Anonymous said...

Take it day by day. Anxiety will pass, eventually, but it can be so awful when it strikes, that I think even trying to put your coat on twice is a huge step. The good thing is that you reached out for help and you know that tomorrow you will have groceries.

If the anxiety continues, I would talk to your therapist about it and see if she will adjust your meds. This time of year it is pretty common for anxiety to strike its ugly head! I admire your strength in acknowledging it and knowing it is part of who you are, and it is okay. You will be okay.