Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora

As usual.

Being my usual lazy self on Saturday mornings, I still sit here in my bathrobe with my coffee and cigarettes and the Überhund at my feet. He has eaten and been out back, but he has not had his walk yet. I am postponing the inevitable as long as possible, because I do like my Saturday mornings. There is no better way to spend the morning than like this, so hopelessly ineffectual and irresponsible.

I had myself an excellent sleep and woke up at a decent enough hour. The sleep medication helps and lately I have been sleeping well and feeling very rested when I wake up, providing I don't try to do it too early. I do get up in the middle of the night and in the early morning to go to the toilet and I should not get it in my head then to stay up, because it would be a bad idea, as I would be a very grumpy person thinking her time to wake up was there and not being able to figure out why I wasn't feeling good. Stubborn as an ass, it wouldn't necessarily dawn on me that I needed to sleep some more.

The cat food experiment is going well, in that it is becoming clear that they prefer the more expensive one better. Well, they would, wouldn't they? They are persnickety cats and only want the best and I have raised them well and allowed them to have discriminating tastes. They eat the less expensive cat food too, so maybe I can find one that is priced somewhere in between. Some more experimenting needs to be done.

I have found out that the Überhund can do with less food and still be satisfied, in other words, he isn't looking for junk to eat off the streets. That was such a disgusting habit. I won't tell you what he all ate. The Butcher's and the Frolic are going down well and I only offer him a certain amount. He can do with it as he wishes and if he doesn't eat, it's his choice. If he eats it all, he doesn't get more. The cats are always more than happy to eat any leftover Butcher's.

Yesterday I discovered an area in the basement of a department store where they sell art supplies and frames and pas par touts. They have big frames there for my collages at a very reasonable price. I will be going back there when I have the money to buy four frames for my best collages and hang them up in the apartment. That will be after I paint the walls.

I want to paint the walls a sand color. They are white now, but really discolored from me smoking, so I think I will not want them white again. They would need painting again after a few years. The sand color would hide the smoke stains and look good with the furniture. I have to go to the hardware store and price the paint, as I have no idea how expensive it is. I may have to postpone all of this two months when I come into some money, but the plans are there anyway.

I think it's lovely that it's Saturday, but I do have to go to the grocery store today to pick up a few items. I think I will be buying a lot of soup, as this will become my meal several times of the day. I am not going to be eating porridge anymore, it's too fattening and I do need to loose some weight. The battery in the bathroom scales is dead, so I can't even weigh myself. I have to remember to buy a new one and not be shocked when I do weigh myself.

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I just spent nearly an hour on the phone with my older sister, so now the morning is nearly spent. I have to get the show on the road and walk the Überhund, who is incredibly patient so far. I enjoy talking to my sister and we find it difficult to hang up. We always have just one more thing to tell each other.

Okay people, time to go. Have a wonderful day, the sun is shining here again.

Ciao...