The other hand wants something too...

I'm sitting here early in the morning with my usual cup of coffee. It is still dark outside, so I can take it easy for a while longer. It is when it gets light outside that I feel I should get the show on the road. I think that's when the day officially starts. I feel more exposed when it is light outside and see no excuse to sit here in my bathrobe any longer. I must hop in the shower then and get dressed properly. 

I do hope that I find some exciting clothes to wear. I'm in the mood for something really different. I've been wearing the same things for a while now and I need to have a good look through the rest of my clothes and see what else is there that has my name written on it. I've lost enough weight now that everything should fit, if not be too big. My skirts are hanging on my hips, but I don't want to show my bellybutton. I will not bare my stomach. It isn't pretty enough. 

I'm really postponing getting out of my bathrobe, because it is so comfortable and getting under the showers is always such a horror. You don't know my shower, but believe me. I would care for a hot bath, but I have no such thing. My kingdom for a bath, but I can't give this kingdom away. I don't think the queen would agree with me. I will have to marry someone with a big bath. 

I was in a relationship with someone with a big tub. It was wonderful. It was like going for a swim. I should have stayed with him just for his big bathtub. It would have almost been worth it. I've not been as comfortable in a bath since. He also had a very good shower and I haven't been in a good shower since. The showers in the Netherlands don't impress me. I'm used to large American showers with enclosed shower stalls that are roomy and waterproof. Not these leaky, drippy things they have here. 

A woman does get used to her comforts. It's tough to come down in the world. You get used to nice things that work well and that turn out to be luxuries. Never take anything for granted that works well and that''s comfortable. Like your car, for instance. If it takes you places and is dependable, treat it with care. It will be your best friend. Take it from someone who has to ride her bike everywhere, or walk if the weather is bad. It's a tougher way to go if you're middle aged. Especially if something is far away and you don't go there at all, but for the grace of someone else who is willing to take you.

My coffee tastes very good this morning and it must be that special batch again that Juan picked in the highlands of Columbia. They're the very best beans, finely roasted. Ha, I wish I could afford them. I always get one of the cheaper coffees, but I think it makes no difference with the more popular brand. A gourmet coffee may taste better, but I'm not about to spend my money on that. There is a shop downtown that sells special coffees like that, freshly roasted. You have to grind the beans yourself. That would be a luxury. 

I'm trying to think of the clothes that are in my closet. It is getting a little crowded in there again after I cleaned it out. It may be time for another purge. The hangers are starting to embrace each other and clothes slip to the bottom, where they land in a heap. Given my distaste for ironing, this is not good. I do think that I have a vague idea of what I'm going to wear. That gives me some hope for the rest of the day and more courage to get into the shower. It helps if you've got a plan.

I must be off now to get the day started. The trash men have come by and made their noisy pick up and the newspaper delivery boy has also been here. I think it's officially Monday now. 

Have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora

Getting there!

Writing these posts gives me the perfect opportunity to take a breather, because I notice that I don't necessarily stick to chores of threes, but sort of keep going until I'm too tired to go anymore and I have to stop and do something else. I check my emails and answer them if there are any, that's a good break, but then I forget to have something to drink and really relax as I am on the edge of my seat, ready to go and tackle the next thing. I work as if there is no tomorrow and for me there isn't, because I don't know what my mood will be like tomorrow and this may all be over. I have to grab this opportunity while I can, mad as it is.

So, where was I?

I made a bucket of hot soapy water with dish washing liquid and washed the windows with it with a cloth and a squeegee and I got good results, very clean windows. Then I took the same bucket of hot suds and cleaned all the shelves of the bookcase, but the real surprise came when I got the stepladder and climbed on it and looked on top of the bookcase. Quelle horreur! It was black with dust, so I got my cloth very wet and soapy and applied some elbow grease. I know it is because I smoke that everything gets such a sticky layer of dirt. That's the price I pay.

Anyway, I am now in the possession of a very clean white bookcase with an empty shelf to put a sculpture on, which I must do in a while. I had a basket sitting in the opening, but decided to add that basket to another basket that was also sitting on a shelf, thereby creating the space. I think I have a sculpture that will fit right in there.

Then I got a bucket of white latex paint out and found a brush and painted some sections of the walls in the kitchen that for whatever reasons had become discolored. I brushed it on in such a way that it's not immediately obvious that there is a slight difference in the shade of white and when it dries, I don't think you will notice it.It looks a lot better anyway, but really, that whole kitchen needs to be ripped out and revamped. It's old and tired and inefficient. I hope the housing corporation does something about them soon.

Then I took a bucket of suds and cleaned the tiles beneath the wash basin in the bathroom and all along the water pipes that run to the shower. That had never been done, as far as I know, especially not all those years that I had been depressed during my sons illness. I cleaned the bottom of the wash basin too and even found spider rag there.

Finally, I took the bucket and emptied it in the shower basin and gave it a quick scrub before all the sudsy water disappeared and that was that.

All I have to do now, besides the chores that are left on my list for tomorrow, is walk Jesker and get the trash ready for tonight to put outside. Then I am going to take a shower and wash my hair and put on my pajamas. Last of all, I am going to do some ironing, because there may be some clothes in the basket that I want to wear tomorrow.

I am really beat now and I am getting tired, so I think I will sleep well tonight, but the whole thing has been a fun experience. I didn't know I could still do that much work on so little sleep and so little food. I am ready to eat now.

I hope you enjoyed my journey into this slight madness with me. It's been an incredible experience, like a dream and I am now waking up. I have sore muscles.

Have a good Sunday evening or whatever your time of day is.

See you again soon!

Ciao...

Speedy Gonzalez.

I've made a list of chores and I've divided it room by room to keep it manageable, except that I didn't know which room to put the ironing under so it's in a category all by itself. I suppose that would be under the header "miscellaneous." Equally with organizing clothes, although that could go under the header "Junk room," because that's where my closet is. I only have "wash windows" there now.

It helps too break it down in segments, otherwise it becomes unmanageable and you just end up with a very long and intimidating list, This way I can go from room to room, even if I'm not completely done in one room.

I completely cleaned the bathroom, except for the shower basin and the tiles under the wash basin. I had crawled around on my knees washing the floor and thought that was enough of that and quit, but I crossed off all the other items I had to do in the bathroom, such as the sink and the toilet and the shelf and the mirror. And the dirty little waste can.

Then I got the vacuum cleaner out and started vacuuming the area rug in the living room and realized suddenly that it was reversible and that it had a brighter side on the bottom. I had to move the furniture, because the rug is about 8 feet by 4 feet and pulled it away and around. There was a lot of grit underneath it, so I vacuumed that, and then put it bottom side up in place and replaced the furniture and now it looks like I have a brand new area rug. I just saved myself 60 Euros, because thatś what a new one would have cost me.

I vacuumed the furniture and got so hot that I had to remove an article of clothing, which was okay, because I was still decent without it. I just looked pudgier for lack of camouflage. That's why I wear layers of clothes.

I did take little breaks and had a delicious cup of tea with three sugars in it that pepped me up quite well. That made me think that maybe I should take sugar in my coffee, but I really don't like the taste of it, so I would have to get used to that a lot, but it would give me quick energy. I have to ponder on this some more.

I dusted my bedroom, which stays amazingly clean, maybe because it's my sacred, hallowed place, and then vacuumed the carpet. I found one hairball, which was rather disgusting, but it was pretty solid. All I have left to do in this room, is wash the windows and clean the radiator. Those are still on my list.

I'm going to dust the bookcase next and clean the living room windows inside. Outside it is raining, so it is not much sense doing them there. Besides, it is Sunday and I can't go out there and wash windows. I would be reported to the Holy Doctrine Police and be incarcerated in a church dungeon.

Please, read my posts before this one, so you know what I have been doing since the middle of the night. I'm on a cleaning journey and making a log about it. I want you to be part of my efforts. When I finally go around the bend, you can say, we read all about it and were witness to it.

Actually, I don't think I'll go around the bend, I'm to sane for that. I have my full capacities still. I am just wide awake and not in the least bit tired. I'm amazingly free of madness. But don't crazy people always say that about themselves?

Onward to the next chores. I'll let you know how they go. It's more fun if I get to report in every few hours.

Ciao...

A mouse!

When I was in the bathroom hanging the laundry on the drying rack, I spotted a field mouse in the shower. It was cowering in the corner. I also saw Gandhi prowling around the bathroom looking for it, so I picked her up and threw her at the mouse, with which she commenced to "play." I didn't stay to watch the game, because I felt kind of bad about the whole thing, but also didn't want a mouse running around the house, so I can't tell you the fate of the mouse, but I think it escaped and is hiding behind the washing machine now. At least, Gandhi seems to think so. I don't know if it is in one piece or if it is deadly injured, I suppose the smell will tell one of these days and I will have to move the washing machine and see what's become of it.

Toby, for some reason, has been bringing home meatballs during the night. The first one he brought inside and left in the corner under the cabinet where Jesker discovered it and made short shrift of it. Then Toby brought them to the doormat outside the cat flap and Jesker discovered that and pretended that he had to go out, only to scarf up the meatballs that were laying there. He then sniffed around the whole patio to see if there were any more, but to no avail and to his disgust. Toby is a scavenger and always comes home with found food. Spareribs, chicken legs, kebabs, sausages, you name it. It's amazing what people throw out.

I wonder what else goes on here when I'm normally asleep. Whole epic scenes probably.

I left you when I was about to mop the floors. Well, that turned out to be a big job because I had to move the chairs in the living room to do it properly and, although I had swept, there was more dog hair that clung to the mop and that wanted to be spread around also every time I made a sweeping motion. So I had to come up with little tricks to collect the dog hair and leave the floor clean. After nuch mopping, I had done the living room and the kitchen and the hallway and took a break. The junk room was next and that is where the animals track in the most dirt, so that was my real challenge,

After answering some emails and drinking some coffee, I was ready for the rest.I wet the floor really well and mopped my heart out and got all the dirty spots out and gathered the leftover dog hair and the room was done. Now I just have to keep the floors looking this good by mopping more often, although I see a spot under a cabinet that I've missed and I'll have to go there on my knees with a rag a scrub it.

I have a feeling that I'm fighting a losing battle with the animals around and that I will be doing this nonstop forever.

In all my enthusiasm, I forgot to mop the bathroom floor, but since I'm planning on cleaning the bathroom anyway, I'll do the floor right away. I'm drinking a glass of juice right now to get my strength back up, because mopping those floors really took it out of me.A salami sandwich will help too.

I hope I have glass cleaning product to shine up the mirror and the bathroom shelf, which is glass, If not, the regular cleaning stuff will have to do.I also want to do the ironing, there's basket full sitting there, but I'm not going to do everything, just the crucial stuff. The things I absolutely want to wear.

I still haven't made that list, but it's the next thing I'm going to do now. I will write it very neatly, in my best handwriting. It will be a list to be proud of. And I will make neat little checks as I get things done, hopefully all of it today. I must strike the iron while it's hot.

I thought I would never say this, but I am so tired of drinking coffee. I feel I've had my fill of it and must drink something else for a while. I may switch to tea with sugar. I have some very nice teas here that I can try, one of them is a new box of Lipton Gold Tea in the triangular bags. So I'll give that one a try.

In the meantime, it's 9 am in the morning and it's time to walk Jesker. It has been raining, but it is dry now, so I'll get dressed and take him now. After that I'll make my list and do the rest of my chores. I´ ll keep you guys updated. It helps me too.

Don't forget to read the two posts before this one. They are all revealing.

Ciao...