Thursday, July 30, 2009
To wake up well...
In order to wake up well, and get the day started properly, I always feel that I have to write a post, even if I have nothing to report but my most mundane thoughts. I think, well that will do, at least it will organize my thoughts and get my mind set in the right order and I will have reached out and made a tiny effort at contact, but the latter is not necessarily the most important thing, because judging by the reactions, not that many people read these early morning missives. That's okay, this occupies my mind and keeps me busy while I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and try to ignore the dog who just ate his bowl of food.
I woke up early this morning and thought terrible things about myself. I thought, this is awful, you're not allowed to do this, it is unacceptable, where in the world is this coming from? It was like somebody had dumped a whole bunch of garbage over me and I was struggling to get free of it.
Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep and when I woke up the second time, all that garbage was gone and I could think good thoughts about myself again. I had counted on that happening, but imagine if I had gotten up the first time with those feelings and had started the day that way. It would have been a very painful business and I would be sitting here with quite a different attitude.
Waking up that way, covered in garbage, hasn't happened to me in a long time, but it used to be the story of my life. I always used to wake up with a certain amount of self loathing, sometimes pure self hatred, yet I never let anyone know that I felt this way. I covered it up and did not let on how bad it was.
Due to my childhood, I'm a master at covering up my feelings and very often am not in touch with them myself. I can be in total denial about a state of mind that I am in. That's because I did it for such a long time, it became my second nature. I totally don't have a grip on my current mood and have no idea what to think of it. Am I depressed or just tired? I act like a depressed person, does that make me depressed? If it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck, must it be a duck?
I am planning on doing some cleaning today. Luckily, in Ubuntu the computer has a sleep mode, so I don't have to feel bad about leaving it turned on. It didn't have it in Windows XP, it just kept running and running, causing my electric bill to go up.
I must do at least three chores today, if not six. I must try to get that feeling of accomplishment. You do honestly feel better if you've made an improvement in your environment. I feel extreme discomfort at having things so disheveled. I barely dare walk around on my bare feet anymore.
Jesker has given up on me and has gone to sleep on his blanket, but I will make him happy and get dressed and take him for a walk. It is storming outside and we've already had rain and thunder and more is expected. The rains of England finally reached us.
I have an appointment at 2 pm with the head therapist and we will decide what I will do about my therapies. It will be good to get some feedback instead of thinking inside the box all by myself. Well, with all of your input, of course. Which I appreciate. Don't underestimate that!
I've babbled enough and must get going now, I feel some energy that must be spent wisely. Remember, chores of threes and walking the dog is not a chore, so it doesn't count.
Have a good day!