Thursday, July 30, 2009

To wake up well...

In order to wake up well, and get the day started properly, I always feel that I have to write a post, even if I have nothing to report but my most mundane thoughts. I think, well that will do, at least it will organize my thoughts and get my mind set in the right order and I will have reached out and made a tiny effort at contact, but the latter is not necessarily the most important thing, because judging by the reactions, not that many people read these early morning missives. That's okay, this occupies my mind and keeps me busy while I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and try to ignore the dog who just ate his bowl of food.

I woke up early this morning and thought terrible things about myself. I thought, this is awful, you're not allowed to do this, it is unacceptable, where in the world is this coming from? It was like somebody had dumped a whole bunch of garbage over me and I was struggling to get free of it.

Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep and when I woke up the second time, all that garbage was gone and I could think good thoughts about myself again. I had counted on that happening, but imagine if I had gotten up the first time with those feelings and had started the day that way. It would have been a very painful business and I would be sitting here with quite a different attitude.

Waking up that way, covered in garbage, hasn't happened to me in a long time, but it used to be the story of my life. I always used to wake up with a certain amount of self loathing, sometimes pure self hatred, yet I never let anyone know that I felt this way. I covered it up and did not let on how bad it was.

Due to my childhood, I'm a master at covering up my feelings and very often am not in touch with them myself. I can be in total denial about a state of mind that I am in. That's because I did it for such a long time, it became my second nature. I totally don't have a grip on my current mood and have no idea what to think of it. Am I depressed or just tired? I act like a depressed person, does that make me depressed? If it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck, must it be a duck?

I am planning on doing some cleaning today. Luckily, in Ubuntu the computer has a sleep mode, so I don't have to feel bad about leaving it turned on. It didn't have it in Windows XP, it just kept running and running, causing my electric bill to go up.

I must do at least three chores today, if not six. I must try to get that feeling of accomplishment. You do honestly feel better if you've made an improvement in your environment. I feel extreme discomfort at having things so disheveled. I barely dare walk around on my bare feet anymore.

Jesker has given up on me and has gone to sleep on his blanket, but I will make him happy and get dressed and take him for a walk. It is storming outside and we've already had rain and thunder and more is expected. The rains of England finally reached us.

I have an appointment at 2 pm with the head therapist and we will decide what I will do about my therapies. It will be good to get some feedback instead of thinking inside the box all by myself. Well, with all of your input, of course. Which I appreciate. Don't underestimate that!

I've babbled enough and must get going now, I feel some energy that must be spent wisely. Remember, chores of threes and walking the dog is not a chore, so it doesn't count.

Have a good day!



Babaloo said...

So, how did the appointment got? Hope you got some good ideas or maybe a decision out of it.

And yes, when it starts to get on your nerves, then it's time to start the cleaning. Good luck with that today!

And, regarding the garbage, maybe it was a dream that caused that? Sometimes I can't remember what I dreamed (I usually can't) but I still wake up full of negative feelings. I'm sure it's been my subconscious creating mischief while I was sleeping.

Going back to bed was a good decision then. You're way too precious to wake up covered in garbage!

Maggie May said...

I always leave my computer on sleep during the day and turn it off at night.

I think I agree with Babaloo that a dream might have set off the *self loathing* mode. Either that or it could be that you remembered something from the past subconsciously. The mind tries to play tricks like that & convince you that you are becoming ill again.

Hope you worked out the therapy to your liking & benefit.
Hope you are feeling better. X

Frances said...

oh good, glad you are seeing the head therapist today. Hope it is really positive and constructive and that you come to some decision you can live with.
Maybe we are your virtual garbage collectors.
Do you think we hide our negative feelings about ourselves, because we think if we share them they are open and maybe other people will confirm them as true? We hope that by hiding them they will turn out not to be true, even in our moments of greatest despair there must be a grain of self-preservation in there.
After all, we could be very badly damaged if we opened up to someone malign and untrustworthy. They could use the information to manipulate us.
What do you think? there must be some function to hiding these things, surely. Otherwise it is so unhealthy.

Mean Mom said...

What a good idea, to go back to sleep again, if you wake up feeling awful! I wish that I had thought of that, yesterday, when I woke up feeling dreadful, for no reason I could think of. As it was, I didn't feel any better until after lunch!

Hope you are feeling OK, at the moment and that your day has gone well. I know what you mean about feeling better if you achieve something during your day. I feel the same way. I also feel better when the house is fairly clean and not very cluttered.

Anonymous said...

I find that there is definitely some therapeutic value to cleaning: clean the house, clean the mind, maybe? I don't know, but I always feel great satisfaction when I've scrubbed a toilet or two. But I just can't get motivated to wash my grubby floor!

aims said...

I read your post and thought of my brother who is struggling through a down period once more.

I really don't know how to help anymore with him. I've cleaned his entire building - cleaned all the back buildings - done things that haven't ever been done and pointed out things I plan to do to make things better.

Still - nothing. No improvement in mood. Just a very distant acknowledgment which means he doesn't see it and so it hasn't helped him.

What next I wonder?

John said...

you have a great best

Gail said...

Can't wait to hear about the appointment with the "head theraphist", I smiled at the play on words even though it was not intended.

Sounds like you are feeling better today, maybe you just need a lightening of your load.

I did my three, I picked up some trash the boys had dropped, carried one plate to the kitchen and put a load of clothes in the dryer. That's it I'm, if I could have counted each piece of clothing as a job, I would be through for the week!

Lisa Sarsfield said...

I am so glad you didn't get up then. You deserve happiness and love. There's alot of people here in blogsphere that happen to think your rather nice:)

What is your red bubble profile? I want to be nosey....

Wisewebwoman said...

You are stardust, Irene, very precious.
Garbage dream very revealing indeed. I am sure you get the metaphor.
Back to sleep. Brilliant, toss off that particular dust!
How did the therapy go?

Maureen said...

I do hope the meeting went well.. I guess I need to read your next post to find out! Bad me for being away a few days.