Monday, October 13, 2008

Who cares?

Have you ever had a day when you just didn't care if the house was clean enough for a visit from the Queen and her entire entourage? The floors are gritty and the toilet needs cleaning and the kitchen sink needs to be scrubbed, but do I care? No, not one tiny little bit. So, there.

I took a sleeping pill last night and woke up at the very late hour of 7:30 AM. Well, that's late for me and I do need my navel staring time, besides walking the dog and making cigarettes for the day and all the other little jobs I do to get ready before I leave for creative therapy. I didn't rush, though. I figured I would get there on time or just too late and either one would be okay.

The Überhund got a shorter walk and he seems to know this, because he pees more efficiently on the way back home. Smart dog. He doesn't skip a bush or tree. Then I even remembered to take my medication and give the Überhund his, which was good, because when in a rush it is easy to forget. That's why I tried to move at the same pace that I normally do.

I was 5 minutes late when I got to creative therapy and there were people coming in after me, so it was no big deal. The nice thing about this therapy is that there is always fresh coffee and there are always cookies, which I make sure I have my share of, for as much as I am able to eat them. I consider them my breakfast.

The collage I am working on, I had started when I was very upset and as a result I had not put the upside down picture down well enough and left many bubbles in them, with the result that when I tried to remove the backs of them, most of the picture came away too, so the whole thing was sort of a disaster. Not to worry, though. I plowed through all the magazines and found new pictures and pasted them right side up, not willing to risk another bubble damaged fiasco and changed the theme of the collage a bit.

When I had them pasted down, I dried them with the hair dryer and started applying different color washes, drying each one with the hair dryer before applying the next. You can push the paint around with the hair dryer in little streams that randomly flow all over the collage and give a neat effect. Now that I have applied all the different color washes, I have to think of what to do next that is interesting and I have a whole week to find inspiration. The pictures to me really play a secondary role to the colors. I am especially fond of the color red and use it the most.

After therapy, a group of us go to the smoking deck and have coffee and cigarettes there and unwind for a while. Somebody gave me cookies to take home to the Überhund, which he was mighty happy with. We sit and talk about just ordinary things, like what it is like to be a psychiatric patient in a world filled with 'normal' people and how you can never quite make the connection with the ordinary people about your disorder, because somewhere along the line you lose those people as they haven't shared your experience. That is why it is nice to be in contact with fellow sufferers; you don't need to say much, because there is much common knowledge. And you can joke about it too.

The last few days have been incredibly beautiful for the time of year and during the day we don't need to wear a jacket. It feels a little bit like late summer. It's supposed to stay this way through Wednesday and then it will be Autumn weather again, woe is me. I have been wearing my thin pretty leggings and my mini skirt, but I'll just wear thicker leggings and face the cold.

I have decided to not do the dance therapy, because I am incredibly uncomfortable with it. We're supposed to move from out of our hips as if there is a string with a cork hanging from our female parts and I just can't get past that picture and get the movement right. I feel like a broomstick that is trying to bend in the middle and do it graciously without breaking. It's Eastern dancing and not at all what I had in mind when I joined up. It is the main movement and the one that all the rest is centered around. I can not do this with any sort of grace and I find a high amount of ridiculousness in it. I don't like to do things badly and inadequately. I know it is not going to be appreciated that I quit, but I did want to do some other therapies that were not available and dance was the only option, I was told. We'll see.

My mood has been good today, it has gone neither up nor down. It is just a regular old mood, the same as any old person has them, I suppose. I haven't felt like spending any money yet, but there is always the possibility that I will through an on line store, which is so very tempting and always hangs in front of me like a carrot dangles in front of a donkey. Can you get that picture? Just like my mother, I am clothes obsessed and always want more and better clothes than what I have already. Of course, I do empty my closet of clothes that have become to big on me and give those to the recycle store on a regular basis. But that's just an excuse. I always want to feel that I am the best dressed woman in the room. I love and adore clothes and I have good taste.

Hurry on to a different subject! I have been buying nonfat yogurt with fruit in it and I find it very satisfying to eat. It is filling and it tastes good and it is nice and cool and thick like a pudding. I have given up on eating bread, it just wasn't a success anymore. Not even the smaller slices of raisin bread. I had been looking at the müesli bread that they sell at the super market, because it seems like it would be so healthy to eat, but I am not going to take a chance and buy it. It would probably all go to waste.

I am very hooked on fruit juice and the one I drink has a lot of pulp in it and I do love that, especially when I get to the last bit that is left in the container. I have a pint of that every day. I think I drink about a liter of milk everyday, subtract some for the cats. I wish I could eat cheese, but I haven't tried that in a while; I especially like the soft French cheeses like Brie. I also haven't had any eggs in a few months. The last time I tried those, it wasn't a big success and I thought I would not buy another carton and have them go to waste.

So, basically I live on milk, fruit juice, nonfat yogurt with fruit and Cup a Soup, but when I'm hungry I eat and I do eat cookies and chocolates when I get the chance, I don't say no to goodies. Oh yes, when I make rice for the Überhund, I make it with bouillon and lots of spices and I eat that too, like basmati rice, mmm...

Well, now I am good and hungry and I'll stop and have something to eat. I have 5 flavors of Cup a Soup and I think that's quite a luxury.

Have a very good evening and thank you for all the supportive comments when I go through a rough time. I really appreciate them very much. You guys are the best.



aims said...

Oh boy - can I relate to your comment about normal people and those of us who have been to hell and back. So very true Irene.

There is a camaraderie with a fellow 'inmate'. They understand and know completely. And yes - sometimes nothing has to be said because you have been through the same thing.

My dearest friend lives down the street and she was in the bed next to me in the 'hall'. We have a very special friendship that has lasted since that time. The doctors tried to keep us from being friends! They said it was a bad thing. I shake my head over that so many times.
They also told both of us that we would never get better. When my friend went back in to show them the affects of truehope vitamins - they told her it was all in her head. That she wasn't really well again. God save us from 'doctors'.

Bev said...

Very amusing paragraph on the belly dancing. Getting that sort of image in your head would not be condusive to getting into the swing of things LOL

It is nice autumnal weather here too, which I am enjoying on the dogwalks. If you get the sun at this time of year you get the vivid colours on the trees.

Mean Mom said...

I certainly do have days when I don't care how dirty the house is! I just sit in the middle of everything and get on with something pleasant - like my cross stitch for example.

Sounds like you had a good day, today. The dancing sounds awful. I'm not surprised that you gave it up. I've never had a cork hanging from my female parts and I wouldn't know how to move if I did!

Wisewebwoman said...

OOOH Irene, that cork hanging really hurts!
Your art sounds terrific, I am learning - that bit about the hairdryer was very useful.
I relate better to lunatics like myself, so-called 'normals' find me too eccentric.

Frances said...

Great Irene. Sounds like a nice casual day. Good for you if you don't do something you're not comfortable with. No point in a therapy that does harm, of whatever sort!
I am still astounded at how you can survive on this diet and still be full of vim and vigour.
I'm going away for a fortnight, but you will be in my thoughts and i hope you'll have a really positive and fulfilling couple of weeks. See you soon dear friend.

Babaloo said...

Oh, I have a lot of days when I don't care who comes to visit me. There are 4 pets in the house, I have those days basically every single day that I don't clean. There's always something to do.

Whenever you write about your diet I find it astonishing that you can exist on so little. I'd be tired all day and no good for anything if I had to live on so little food.

I'm sure you'll find something to substitute for the dance therapy. It does sound great to me but I know these moves are hard to do and it's supposed to be therapy, not torture, right?!

Hope you have a more relaxing Tuesday with continued good weather! There's been rain and drizzle here all day today. :(

The Writer said...

Sounds like a great day for you today, Irene! I can relate to the dance therapy thing. The modern dance classes at school were like that too. I think you reach a certain age where you're just not into the whole dislocation of the lower spine factor thing with it. I figure that, having come through the 60's and 70's with the ability to still walk, I've earned the right to not have to demonstrate through dance that I have a pelvis anymore.

Happy wandering!

The Writer...and her dog, Bear

laurie said...

catching up on blogs since my absence... i have to chase you all over the internet! but i have found you again!

you take such good care of yourself, monitoring your moods and figuring out the best way to handle them. good for you.

and now i want some basmati rice....

Cheryl said...

Dear Irene,
Your cork hanging, dance experience had me laughing out loud. I understand why that would be hard to get into. I would feel the same way.

As for the house cleaning, I think you should do that more often. Do more of your beautiful art and writings, makes life more fun. Life is to short to worry if you miss a day of cleaning.

Glad you enjoyed your art therapy and the good chat you had after.

Have a good night!!


the rotten correspondent said...

Grrr. My bloglines doesn't update you and so I worry that you haven't posted...and then when I come over anyway, you're in fine fettle.

And with many posts already done

You are doing great. This is a sucky time, but you're hanging in there.

Do we get awards soon?????

Maggie May said...

Irene.... your artwork sounds fun.
I don't worry too much about housework as it will be here long after I'm gone. However I have my limits in this slovenliness LOL
I love yoghurt & eat it every day too.
Had to laugh at your description of dance and corks!
Have a good day today, Irene X

Stinking Billy said...

irene. what sort of therapy class has access to a smoking deck? You are nothing but a bunch of filthy beasts, and you will all finish up with COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) - like me!

John said...

I'd love to spend an hour there with ya and malke a collage and drink some coffee.

I would be chewing salty drop in between, ya know....

Stay well, my best.

VioletSky said...

I tried belly dancing a couple of years ago and was almost convinced to give it another go this winter, but now I fear I will crumple up with laughter remembering your(very apt!) description.