Who cares?

Have you ever had a day when you just didn't care if the house was clean enough for a visit from the Queen and her entire entourage? The floors are gritty and the toilet needs cleaning and the kitchen sink needs to be scrubbed, but do I care? No, not one tiny little bit. So, there.

I took a sleeping pill last night and woke up at the very late hour of 7:30 AM. Well, that's late for me and I do need my navel staring time, besides walking the dog and making cigarettes for the day and all the other little jobs I do to get ready before I leave for creative therapy. I didn't rush, though. I figured I would get there on time or just too late and either one would be okay.

The Überhund got a shorter walk and he seems to know this, because he pees more efficiently on the way back home. Smart dog. He doesn't skip a bush or tree. Then I even remembered to take my medication and give the Überhund his, which was good, because when in a rush it is easy to forget. That's why I tried to move at the same pace that I normally do.

I was 5 minutes late when I got to creative therapy and there were people coming in after me, so it was no big deal. The nice thing about this therapy is that there is always fresh coffee and there are always cookies, which I make sure I have my share of, for as much as I am able to eat them. I consider them my breakfast.

The collage I am working on, I had started when I was very upset and as a result I had not put the upside down picture down well enough and left many bubbles in them, with the result that when I tried to remove the backs of them, most of the picture came away too, so the whole thing was sort of a disaster. Not to worry, though. I plowed through all the magazines and found new pictures and pasted them right side up, not willing to risk another bubble damaged fiasco and changed the theme of the collage a bit.

When I had them pasted down, I dried them with the hair dryer and started applying different color washes, drying each one with the hair dryer before applying the next. You can push the paint around with the hair dryer in little streams that randomly flow all over the collage and give a neat effect. Now that I have applied all the different color washes, I have to think of what to do next that is interesting and I have a whole week to find inspiration. The pictures to me really play a secondary role to the colors. I am especially fond of the color red and use it the most.

After therapy, a group of us go to the smoking deck and have coffee and cigarettes there and unwind for a while. Somebody gave me cookies to take home to the Überhund, which he was mighty happy with. We sit and talk about just ordinary things, like what it is like to be a psychiatric patient in a world filled with 'normal' people and how you can never quite make the connection with the ordinary people about your disorder, because somewhere along the line you lose those people as they haven't shared your experience. That is why it is nice to be in contact with fellow sufferers; you don't need to say much, because there is much common knowledge. And you can joke about it too.

The last few days have been incredibly beautiful for the time of year and during the day we don't need to wear a jacket. It feels a little bit like late summer. It's supposed to stay this way through Wednesday and then it will be Autumn weather again, woe is me. I have been wearing my thin pretty leggings and my mini skirt, but I'll just wear thicker leggings and face the cold.

I have decided to not do the dance therapy, because I am incredibly uncomfortable with it. We're supposed to move from out of our hips as if there is a string with a cork hanging from our female parts and I just can't get past that picture and get the movement right. I feel like a broomstick that is trying to bend in the middle and do it graciously without breaking. It's Eastern dancing and not at all what I had in mind when I joined up. It is the main movement and the one that all the rest is centered around. I can not do this with any sort of grace and I find a high amount of ridiculousness in it. I don't like to do things badly and inadequately. I know it is not going to be appreciated that I quit, but I did want to do some other therapies that were not available and dance was the only option, I was told. We'll see.

My mood has been good today, it has gone neither up nor down. It is just a regular old mood, the same as any old person has them, I suppose. I haven't felt like spending any money yet, but there is always the possibility that I will through an on line store, which is so very tempting and always hangs in front of me like a carrot dangles in front of a donkey. Can you get that picture? Just like my mother, I am clothes obsessed and always want more and better clothes than what I have already. Of course, I do empty my closet of clothes that have become to big on me and give those to the recycle store on a regular basis. But that's just an excuse. I always want to feel that I am the best dressed woman in the room. I love and adore clothes and I have good taste.

Hurry on to a different subject! I have been buying nonfat yogurt with fruit in it and I find it very satisfying to eat. It is filling and it tastes good and it is nice and cool and thick like a pudding. I have given up on eating bread, it just wasn't a success anymore. Not even the smaller slices of raisin bread. I had been looking at the müesli bread that they sell at the super market, because it seems like it would be so healthy to eat, but I am not going to take a chance and buy it. It would probably all go to waste.

I am very hooked on fruit juice and the one I drink has a lot of pulp in it and I do love that, especially when I get to the last bit that is left in the container. I have a pint of that every day. I think I drink about a liter of milk everyday, subtract some for the cats. I wish I could eat cheese, but I haven't tried that in a while; I especially like the soft French cheeses like Brie. I also haven't had any eggs in a few months. The last time I tried those, it wasn't a big success and I thought I would not buy another carton and have them go to waste.

So, basically I live on milk, fruit juice, nonfat yogurt with fruit and Cup a Soup, but when I'm hungry I eat and I do eat cookies and chocolates when I get the chance, I don't say no to goodies. Oh yes, when I make rice for the Überhund, I make it with bouillon and lots of spices and I eat that too, like basmati rice, mmm...

Well, now I am good and hungry and I'll stop and have something to eat. I have 5 flavors of Cup a Soup and I think that's quite a luxury.

Have a very good evening and thank you for all the supportive comments when I go through a rough time. I really appreciate them very much. You guys are the best.

Ciao...