Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Whacky World.

More then half the week of therapies is behind me and I'm beat. I don't even have the energy to go to the store and I'm eking out the supplies that are in the refrigerator and the cabinets. I will have to go tomorrow when hopefully I will have the time and the energy. All I did today was make it to the tobacconist for tobacco and filter tubes and the special trash bags and one chocolate bar for a quick pick me up, because I was seriously dragging my butt, going there straight from my dance therapy.

It feels so good to sit here with my mug of coffee and my cigarettes and to just rest my mind and body over nothing complicated at all. I've just read new posts to a lot of blogs and that was very enjoyable. Not that people all have uncomplicated lives, but somehow it all seems manageable. There are no catastrophes out there. At least none that I'm aware of. We all have our difficulties, but they are all human sized and within the norm of what is standard.

I guess somewhere along the line you have to make up your mind about that. About what you as a human being can accept in your life as tragedies and how much is too much and how much time do you need to grieve over that before you feel that you can be normal and join the human race again. I suppose the answer to that is different for every person, but maybe much more alike than different for all of us.

I notice that in all of my groups, that each person in their grief and depression and pain and sadness is so much alike and exhibits such similar behavior and has such similar thought patterns. It's like we all read a big book somewhere that said, under these conditions you act that way. So much of it is very predictable. The beginning, the middle, the end, if it ever comes, all have their own sets of behavior and thought patterns and language and if you're a patient long enough, and know a lot of things, you see this and get as smart almost as the therapist. I do have to point out that I say almost. That's very important. You never get as smart as. Patients lack the objectivity.

Hell, I don't even know if I'm qualified to write that stuff down. They are just my own observations. You do learn a lot in my line of activities. People around me in the groups say I have a lot of courage and inner strength and that I am verbally strong. I dare to talk about subjects that they are afraid to bring up, but are relieved when I do. But I'm not always courageous. I get insecure too and wonder if I say too much or breach the wrong subject and I pay a price for that afterwards if I don't get the answer to my questions quickly. I have to settle my own sense of insecurity on the spot or walk around with it and it will nag at me until it hurts.

Well anyway, today at dance therapy, we learned to dance with a veil and if you think that's easy, think again. Your arms get very tired lifting this thing up and around you and twisting it around your shoulders and in front of you becomingly. Then try to do that while dancing with the emphasis on your hips.

I have to tell you very honestly that I'm the worst student in the class and do not move gracefully, but more like a stiff rake with arms an legs attached to it. I have no swing in my hips and no easy bend in my back and all my movements cost effort. And I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. I lean to the left and forget to breathe. My hip and my back hurt and I have to take mini breaks. I loose the rhythm and have too start all over again. I'm a lost cause.

But still I'll keep going, because the music is wonderful.

The weather has been gray and cold and windy all day and now it is raining. It's feast or famine here. We'll have sunshine again on Friday, but it won't be warm. That I don't care about so much. I don't mind wearing an extra layer of clothes. In fact, I prefer it, it makes for interesting dressing up. And you know how much I like that.

I gave away all my jangly earrings that I never wear to a very nice woman who loves to wear them and I made her very happy with them. I only wear my titanium studs, at least, I think that's what they are. They never irritate my ears. This woman was wearing a necklace that I very much admired and she's going to get me one just like it. I'm a necklace person and feel naked without one. So, that's great.

Tomorrow is music therapy and relaxation exercises and only a short morning. In the afternoon, someone from domestic help is coming for an intake meeting to see what needs to be done to the apartment to get it back to normal again and how much help I need with that. They had lost the original application that was put in when I was depressed and my SPN sent in a new one, because it seems I still need help now with all these extra classes and no idea of how to get things back on the rails.

I'll leave it at that and walk the dog for the last time and get my pajamas on and do the dishes. Oh, somebody needs to do them. I live here, so it must be me.

Have a great evening.



willow said...

Other people live here, but it is always me who does the dishes.

Thanks for your kind comment at WM today. ~x~

Lilian said...

Hoi Irene,

Ik heb weer ff je blog gelezen en las hoe jij je dag vandaag beleeft hebt.
Met een beetje inspanning maar met grote interesse heb ik mij door je verhaal geworsteld hahaha.
Het is erg verrassend en verbazingwekkend om te zien hoe een therapie een invloed op iemand (kan) he(eft)bben.
Ik wens je (althans voor mij is het dat al dan) een heel fijn therapieloos weekend toe.
Hou je goed meid!

Groetjes Lilian

The Gossamer Woman said...

Hoi Lilian,

Leuk dat je mijn blog hebt kunnen lezen, dan is je Engels wel erg goed. Ja, zo zie je maar wat er zich allemmaal afspeelt in dat hoofd van mij. Het is ingwikkelder dan het lijkt. Soms ben ik ook gewoon grappig, hoor! Heb je een email adres, dan kan ik je daar direct beantwoorden. Dat doe ik met de rest van de commentaren ook.


Grit said...

you make many incisive comments irene, and often make me stop and think, and thank you for that again today.

Maggie May said...

I suppose if you were all suffering from Measles the spots would be very predictable. Depression has a whole list of symptoms that are as real as spots. They must be in a manual like Measles.

Have a good nights rest. You have been very busy with the therapies. Veil dancing Wow!
Goodnight X

VioletSky said...

Yay, I could read Lilians comment and yours below! That has put a smile on my face.

I have tried belly dancing - I found out how truly unco-ordinated I really am. Oh, and the pain - in muscles that had never been used before.

Gail said...

Your word weaving keeps me coming back. I have learned more truth in this moment of your post, than I have in weeks. Keep sharing please, I need the help.

Anonymous said...

Can that someone from domestic help make a quick stop at my house? I could use a little help there too! Actually, I am getting some help: today DD cleaned the kitchen and also made a grocery list because she plans to go grocery shopping for me tomorrow. Things are looking up all over, aren't they!

Wisewebwoman said...

Keep dancing my wee darling and the world will take on brighter and brighter hues.

John said...

emnjoyable post...very veil indeed

Babaloo said...

I only did belly dancing once or twice and, like you, I loved the music. I don't think I was much good at it but it felt like I could be with much practice. I'm sure you'll improve with time. Don't give it up, it seems like such a gorgeous thing to do!

And regarding the dishes... have you ever thought of training the cats and the dog? They should be doing their share because I'm sure a lot of it is their bowls and saucers. ;-)

Babaloo said...

Oh, and I forgot to say, what a great thing to give your dangly earrings away to that lady. She's going to love them and you'll get a necklace. What a great swap!