Gosh darned dog...

Yeah, he woke me up again out of a sound sleep. Who said a dog is a woman's best friend? I see no evidence of it tonight. Sure, he´s sound asleep now on the sofa, but he should have been half an hour ago when I was still sound asleep in my bed. I´m not amused. 

I´m having a cup of coffee so I can think clearly and make sense. I´m not having a cigarette, though at this moment I do wish for one. That´s how frustrated I am. I will get over it, though, without smoking because that will be the last thing I´ll do. The other night I dreamed I smoked a cigarette and when I woke up, I felt as bad as if I had had one. That will cure you of your desire for one. 

Tonight I laid down in bed and did breathing exercises. I breathed in and out as deeply as I could without getting dizzy. I did a fairly good job at that and much better than I have in the past, showing marked improvement. I do think my lung capacity is improving.

I´m greatly relieved that the weekend is over and don´t ever let me make the claim that I like the weekends. I will be highly misguided if I do. They are a horror to get through. Somehow I manage it because I must, but don´t ask me how. I took many naps and they saved my life. I would not be sane if I had not taken them.

I think I´m grumpy because I´ve quit smoking. There is no other explanation. I´m almost constantly in a bad mood. I don´t find much joy in anything.

I have to go back to bed and hope that the dog lets me sleep now. I hope he doesn´t get it in his head to wake me up again. I do so need my sleep. 

Thank god that tomorrow is Monday. It will be a normal day again and there will be people here. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

The year of the dragon...

I'm very happily sat here with my second cup of coffee and it's still a decent time of the night. It's not even midnight yet and that's also surprisng to me. For a change I'm up at a more normal time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I may even turn into a quite ordinary person and start keeping quite ordinary hours. Miracles never cease. 

I've had an enervating day. I spent some time redecorating the living room because I was not finished with it and I had to add some of the almost final touches. The real final touches I will add on Wednesday when I have been to Ikea and have picked up the things I want to get there. Then the metamorphosis will be complete. 

I also got ambitious and cleaned up my bedroom which had become a catch all for everything that I had no space for in the living room. I got a big trash bag and started tossing things out and reorganizing. I rearranged the whole bookcase and emptied out drawers of obsolete items. Such a mess I had. I purged the whole room and did a bit of decorating there too. 

Luckily, the domestic help was here also, so she could clean as I purged and between the two of us, we got the place looking spiffy. We were both very pleased with ourselves. And just think, I got all of that done just because of two new paintings. They were my inspiration. 

I quit smoking this morning. I'm hesitant to say this in case I don't make it and start up again, but I have the best of intentions. I was thinking about what I could do with all the money that I spend on tobacco every month and suddenly was disgusted with the whole thing. In a flash I knew I would stop the foolishness. I said a prayer, put on a nicotine patch and quit. 

Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with the counselor at the doctor's office who helps you stay quit. I don't know yet how she does that, but I'm going to get her help as much as I can. Whatever it takes, I will do. I can't tell you that it's not frustrating at times, but I'm surviving. I have rubber bands around my wrist that I fiddle with when the urge to smoke becomes too bad. It does pass after a while.The urge to smoke comes in waves. It's not a constant pressure. 

I must go back to bed. The urge to smoke is less when I'm lying down and the time passes more quickly when you're asleep. Also when you are keeping yourself busy. That is why I am getting so much done. I have to paint the living room and the hallway next. Yippee! 

Ciao,

Nora

Please skip the scepticism...

I think the medication for my stomach is beginning to work because I can eat a little bit better without it causing me as many problems. Needless to say, this is a great relief. It's a great thing when you can eat something without your stomach going in an uproar. I can't eat a lot, but just enough to satisfy my hunger and I can eat four or five times a day. 

I can't believe how much my stomach problems influence my mood. I used to think it was the other way around, but it isn't. I can be in a perfectly good mood until my stomach starts to act up. I get so uncomfortable and frustrated then. I stay uncomfortable for at least two hours, so it takes a while to get back to normal. It's good to realize which comes first. I'd go through life thinking I was one heck of a frustrated person. 

I'm very optimistically minded, really, and I'm usually in a good mood. As long as my stomach agrees with me, I'm one happy camper. 

The day went by quickly and I hope that the weekend goes by quickly also, although I do look forward to being a bit lazy. As a matter of fact, I look forward to that a lot. There's nothing better than lounging around in your bathrobe and making the morning last as long as possible. Postponing the start of the day with a cup of coffee and navel contemplation is very pleasant. 

The dishes have been done, the bed's been changed and the laundry has been washed and hung up to dry. The apartment is all clean too. That doesn't leave much for me to do. This weekend I will have to start reading again out of self preservation. I have several new books to choose from, one of them in Dutch. I will have to see which language I will want to read in. 

I have to watch the news and be a well informed person again. I haven't watched television all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Ciao,

Nora

How to spend the night...

The one thing you do is to not spend all of it sleeping. That's a complete waste of time. You may think that sleeping is a useful activity, but I tend to disagree with that if it's in the middle of the night. I can't think of a better way to spend that time than to spend it being awake and up and about. That. of course, is just my own personal vision and you may disagree. 

Maybe you get a good night's sleep and you have no complicated dreams and you feel very refreshed in the morning when you wake up. That's not my own experience and I'm always glad that I wake up after I've been asleep for a few hours so that I can get up and spend some time behind the computer with a few cups of coffee and my cigarettes. It's when I'm most alert and in charge of all of my faculties. 

But I tell you no new stories when I tell you that. It's a well known fact by now that this is what I do. I also can't force myself to write the kind of drivel that I write here during the night in the daytime. I'm not in the proper frame of mind then.  During the day, I would be too embarrassed to write some of the things down that I write here during the night. I think I bare my soul better at night or after I just wake up from a nap.. 

That maybe sounds contradictory, but for me is not to reason why. I'll accept both my statements as given facts. I'd hate to have to explain everything I state here. If I'm unclear than that's just so. It can't be helped. 

Last night I was in a terribly grumpy mood that only disappeared slowly. I didn't analyze it too much, but in the back of my mind I had some clues as to the origins of it. I ended up eating some dinner and watching some TV before I went to bed and found my solace under the warm duvet. 

I think you subconsciously run into frustrations all the time in your contacts with the people you care about and sometimes it's better to take a little breather from everybody and spend some time on your own.

Quality time with yourself and other people is still what it all revolves around. It's not about quantity. A little bit goes a long way. You've got to appreciate the little bits and not repeat them too often. Repetition leads to irritation and takes away from the specialness of the occasion. You fall into a rut.

I'm afraid I'm preaching. I do have a tendency to do that sometimes. It's when I'm trying to convince myself most. 

It's time to go back to bed. I've been philosophical enough, although I've really put the brakes on my thoughts. I've censored myself quite a bit. 

Sleep tight everyone. 

Ciao,

Nora

Back in business...

I had to do without my computer for more than twenty four hours while Ubuntu was removed from it and Windows XP was reinstalled. This was an operation I could not do myself, believe me, I tried. Having to do without my computer for that amount of time didn't cause me too many withdrawal symptoms, because instead of getting up in the middle of the night to blog, I slept instead. This was a novel experience and caused me to have many weird dreams which I don't necessarily want to have again. I like my broken up nights better.

Tonight I woke up just as I was trying to make Beef Wellington from a book by a famous author whose recipe was not clear. You know I would have run into all sorts of frustrations if I had tried. It would have been a tough dream getting all the ingredients right, so I was glad that I woke up. I had enough sense to make coffee and have a cup and now I'm completely coherent and happy for the experience. I like this so much better than sleeping through the night. I really do my best thinking in the middle of the night. I still don't know why that is, but I'll just accept it as a given. 

Remember how I told you that I had started to wear make  up again? Well, I'm getting positive feedback on that so I'm on the right track. People also compliment me on my hair, though all I've done is comb it differently.  You see how little changes can make such a big difference. I'm glad for the positive feedback because it makes me want to try extra hard to make the effort. I know it's worth it to spend the extra fifteen minutes or so in front of the mirror in the morning. Well, it's actually not that long, but just by way of speaking. I do take my time applying my make up and taking care of my skin. Not necessarily in that order. 

I'm also paying extra attention to my clothes and trying to put together different outfits that I haven't worn before. That's a bit of a challenge but a lot of fun. I take immense pleasure in looking inside my closet and coming up with new combinations. I want for them to be flattering as well as warm enough and I usually succeed. I do have a few stand by's that are favorite pieces of clothing that I can always count on. They are basic parts of my wardrobe. 

I've been wearing necklaces to decorate myself with because the earrings have not been a big success. They do irritate my ears and I'm going to have to get some gold studs that I can always wear without the danger of getting an allergic reaction. There must be some nickel after all in the earrings that I do have. I saw some silver ones that I liked and that were affordable, but they are no option. They've got to be gold. Maybe those will be a treat to myself at Christmas. A woman's got to be good to herself, after all. I'll have to see what I can do. 

It's Friday again and the week has gone by very quickly, but then it usually does when I have a few appointments like I did this week. It doesn't take much to keep me busy. Just a few out of the ordinary things will do. If I have at least one event a day, I'm happy. Seeing my therapist this week was very good because she reaffirms my believe in myself and makes me feel very normal. You can't ask for more than that. The same goes for my personal helper, though she has a tendency to want to nurture me too much. I do have to prevent that from happening.

The dog's fur is growing in again and he is starting to look more like himself and more like the stuffed animal that he always used to looks like. It's very cute and makes you want to cuddle him all the time. It's much better than that scanty trimmed look that he had. Even the cat seems to like him better this way and constantly goes up to him to rub heads with him and press her body against him. He very generously lets her. 

It's time for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my sleep. I hate to go and could sit here for a while longer, but I do have to be sensible. Sometimes I have to be anyway. If only for limited periods of time. Tomorrow morning the Exfactor will no doubt wakep me up bright and early when he comes to do the groceries. 

Ciao,

Nora

Intelligent life...

Tonight I was smart and made coffee immediately instead of waiting until the need became unbearable. I wasn't about to assume that I could function without a cup or two. I do have to add that I was in a good mood the moment I opened my eyes. I ever so cheerfully stepped out of bed and almost as cheerfully made a pot of coffee. 

Doing any kind of a chore is always a bit of a bother because of the potential frustration factor. I did it flawlessly, however. Maybe the problem is that I do want to do it flawlessly. I must worry too much about the potential mishaps, such as spilled ground coffee and too much water in the machine. Aha, the psychology of making coffee. It does need some looking into. 

Then, of course, the dog had to go out back. Not once, but twice. I stood out in the very cold night air by the back door and looked at the stars and tried to find the Big Dipper. I think I may have seen it, but I can't be sure. I'm not well informed enough. It could have been the Little Dipper. When I went out the second time, it had moved behind the roof line. 

I found out yesterday that my therapist had had the same stomach bug I have been battling, so at least I know the source of my illness. She had it a week before I did. She also reported on the long stubborn nature of it. I feel that I'm getting back to normal, although I'm saying that with some hesitation because every time I make that claim, my stomach acts up again. 

I've been sleeping a lot and can't seem to get enough of it. My bed is one of my favorite places to be, especially when I have the heater on and the apartment is nice and warm. My excuse is that I'm getting over being sick, but I just may be hibernating in the cold weather. I'm warmly dressed when I take the dog for a walk and don't stay out there too long. Yesterday on my bike, I should have worn gloves. 

I'm going back to bed to sleep under the warm duvet. I've got many hours left to sleep. No doubt the animals will join me to get their share of the warmth and comfort. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Behold, the truth...

The plug in my kitchen sink wasn't working. When I filled up the sink to do the dishes, it slowly drained until there was hardly any sudsy water left when I was not quite done. This was very frustrating, but I had gotten used to it as I got used to all sorts of frustrating elements in my life. Rather than fix them, I found a way to live with them. 

That's totally the wrong attitude, of course, and probably says a lot about me, but lately, because I've been feeling better able to deal with things, I've been tackling these frustrating elements. 

Determined to find a better way to do the dishes, I got a square, white, plastic basin that just fits in the kitchen sink and do the dishes in it. The sudsy water doesn't run away and it stays hotter. 

The basin is a bit smaller than the sink and holds less dishes all at once, but I've decided that it's going to determine how many dishes I can save up before I do them. If there are enough dishes to fill the basin, I have to wash them and I can't crowd the basin. 

That worked well enough yesterday and the dishes were done in no time and dried and put away too. Suddenly it was not such an overwhelming job. I had a clean kitchen counter in the shortest amount of time. 

It's apparent that when I have the mental energy, I do have the capacity for problem solving.

***

I met my new therapist this yesterday afternoon in the company of my old therapist. I tried too hard to make a good impression, but didn't realize that until afterwards. I was upset about it for a few hours. 

I acted like I was the best and most desirous patient she could have ever wanted. Like I was so agreeable and reasonable and intelligent that it was her lucky day that she got me as her patient. I hope she saw right through me. 

I'm going to have two more meetings with my old therapist and then I'll have two trial meetings with the new one and we'll see if we get along well enough. She was chosen by my old therapist and my psychiatrist because she's on the same team as they are.

I rode my bike over there, of course, and there was less wind so I was not in danger of being blown sideways into the traffic. There still was a very cloudy sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but fortunately it didn't, although in the north of the country it did. 

Since I'm not married to the Exfactor anymore, I get less anxious in traffic when I ride my bike and I now very routinely negotiate it. I don't even give it much thought while I do.

I used to worry about the traffic a lot and every outing on my bike was a nerve wrecking journey. I don't know what the connection is to it not being so any longer and my divorce, but I realize that I don't sit on my bike and swear under my breath anymore. 

Maybe it has something to do with being independent and singular and learning to trust myself. Our bike rides together were always wrought with anxiety. Doing things alone is so much better for me. 

I've got to go to bed and try to get some sleep. It's fun being up, but I do have to be sensible. It's the adult in me who's telling me that.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Coffee and tranquilizers...

I had already taken the tranquilizers and hoped they would do to get me over the stress, but they did not help me get over the foul mood I was in, so there was nothing else to do but make a pot of coffee also. I much regretted this because I didn't want to have to drink coffee at this time of the evening. 

Now, having had a mug of coffee, I can see the sense of it because I'm starting to feel a lot better and realize I should have done this much sooner. Like maybe two hours ago when I woke up from my second nap of the day. 

I feel that by all sorts of trickery I have to try and get into the right mood. If I just get the ingredients right maybe I will succeed. Sometimes I'm so low that I could scream and start tossing pieces of furniture around out of frustration. Mostly I crawl in bed and try to find my safety there. There's always salvation in sleep.

I'm struggling very hard with this depression. I hate the way it makes me feel. I so despise the feelings of despair. The sense that I'm at the end of the road and that there's nowhere left to go. 

I mustn't dwell on that too much. 

I think I will get ready for bed and try to sleep as long as possible. It seems like the most attractive option now. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Wildlife...

I woke up from my nap having dreamed that I was a very frustrated chicken because I didn't have any hands. It was an awful feeling to only have wings and no fingers to pick things up with. I still had that feeling when I woke up and it was pretty terrible. It took a few seconds for it to dissipate. 

No doubt it had to do with the fact that before I took a nap, I had to remove a dead bird from the shower stall. It had been left there by the cat and luckily, the dog had shown no interest in it whatsoever. 

I had a good look at it because you don't get to have a close look at a wild bird that often. It was intact and had no insides hanging out. It looked like it was asleep and therefor I had been a little reluctant at first to pick it up. It was just an ordinary bird for which I don't know the English name. It was an adult and I'm surprised that the cat got a hold of it. She's normally not that great a hunter of birds. 

I threw it in the green bin and figured it will properly decompose there. I didn't know what else to do with it either. I knew I had to keep it out of the cat's reach. I didn't want her to drag it back inside and demolish it and get feathers all over the place like one of my other cats did one time. That was a real mess to clean up.

I hope no chicks go hungry now that the mother bird is dead. That's another worry. My cat's a killer cat. I wouldn't have thought it possible after all those mice. Maybe her skills have improved now that she's the only cat here. Although the male cat wasn't much of a hunter. 

Anyway, being a chicken without any hands isn't much fun and I wonder if chickens experience it as such? I hope they're not aware of their loss and go through life oblivious of it. They can only pick and scratch. It's like having your arms bound to your body. All you can do is hopelessly flutter when you get a little bit of room. 

*

I'm wearing a skimpy sun dress that was too small on me when I bought it and that now fits. I have another one in a different print in the same size. I will try that one on next. Isn't it wonderful when clothes appear in your closet that turn out to fit you? I must have closer looks in my closet more often.

It's been a nice day with good weather. Tomorrow we may have some rain, but the temperature will be nice. I'll believe the rain when I see it. We've been promised it often enough. 

Have a good day all of you. Enjoy your Saturday. 

Ciao,

Nora

On an overcast afternoon...

As has become routine by now, I have just woken up from a nap and am imbibing in some caffeine to get the most out of my precarious mood that I always seem to have on such occasions. I will be right as rain in the shortest amount of time, all it's going to take is some more coffee. I know that always works, I can pretty much count on it, but I'm drinking a cup of warmed up coffee and that won't do. 

I have to make a fresh pot and open a new package of ground coffee. That's always the frustrating part that I don't look forward to. You're supposed to be able to open the package without the aid of scissors  and I always do my very best to achieve this, but it requires some dexterity and muscle power. I don't want to be defeated, though, and stubbornly keep trying and not reach for the scissors that are right there in the kitchen drawer. 

Eventually I do manage, but I dislike the job and wish for someone else to do it. Since there is no one else here, I have to, much to my frustration. If I were a manufacturer, I would design a user friendly package to pack my ground coffee in, although that would probably add to the price of the product. Oh well, nothing in life is free. Except frustration. 

You can tell that I'm a 21st century woman because my level of frustration is very low and I like everything done very easily and conveniently. If I were a designer, I would always be looking for the most simple way to do things. The most user friendly and least frustrating way.  I would want objects to cause the least amount of hassle.

I have to clean up the kitchen and hang up a load of laundry to dry. The dog destroyed a stick in the living room and I have to pick up the pieces from that.  He doesn't have opposable thumbs so he can't do it himself. That's his excuse anyway. 

My infected earlobe is healing. It's almost back to normal. I put Fucidin ointment on it twice a day and that helps it very much. The swelling has gone down quite a bit. I don't think I will be wearing earrings for a while and I will be decorating myself in other ways for the coming future. I've been wearing lightweight scarves and they've done nicely. Of course, the weather has been perfect for them. 

It rained just a while ago, but now it's stopped and the dog is sitting in front of the window looking longingly outside. I think I will take him for a walk while it is dry. The sun is even out every now and then. 

Have a nice Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Finally!

I ran into computer problems a few days ago and have been off line since then. My mouse stopped working and just as I was investigating the reason why, I noticed that Tyke had chewed through the cable of my keyboard, which was very frustrating to say the least, because it was carnival and all the stores were closed and would be for a while, so I could not buy a new one. I called the Exfactor to see if he had an extra mouse and keyboard. He did not, but he promised to try and solve my problem as quickly as possible. He couldn't do anything until today, when Media Mart opened up and he could buy a new mouse and a new keyboard and deliver them to me. It turned out that the portal into which the mouse was plugged was defective and now the mouse is plugged into one of the portals in the front of the PC. I taped the cable of the mouse into place so it won't be a temptation for Tyke to play with. The keyboard works great and I like it better than my old keyboard, so I'm moving up in the world. We've tied the cable of the keyboard to the desk so it won't be a temptation either. At least, I'm naive enough to think it. If I ever am off line for any period of time again, you'll know it is because Tyke chewed through a cable.

The first day I was without my PC, I was rather frustrated and went through withdrawal. I thought it was one of the worst things that could happen, but at the same time I realized that that was exaggerating the importance of it and that I shouldn't let it get to me that much. So, I tried to do other things to take up my time, which I was not very good at, at first.

After that it got easier and I realized that I got more relaxed from not sitting behind the computer and that my mood improved and that I was more even tempered when I was not sitting behind the computer at all hours of the day and night. That was an important observation and one I must not ignore. It seems that the computer causes me stress and I have to keep an eye on how much time I actually spend behind it and how much is actually necessary.

On those days that I couldn't sit behind the computer, I contemplated my own navel a lot and did household chores. I also watched the Winter Olympics on TV. All of these things were quiet activities that didn't cause me a lot of stress, not even the chores did, because I just took my time. I had nothing else to do, after all. I spent a lot of time in peace and quiet not doing anything very important, but hanging out with Tyke and lying on the sofa with a cat on top of me. It seems to have done me a lot of good, because my mood has vastly improved and I aim to keep it that way.

Since my mood has improved so much that even I notice the difference, I want to limit the time I spend behind the computer, tempting though it is to keep lingering here. For my own sake, I must turn it off on time and walk away from it and shut if off and keep it off until a long enough time has passed before I go back to it. I must spend time in quiet contemplation, because it's good for me. I do need to be free of stimuli and distractions. I never realized that as much as I do now.

Tyke is naughty at least once a day. Once a day he gets into something that I have overlooked as a potential naughtiness for him to get into. Everything in the apartment is getting moved up or put away. I thought things were safe on the dining table, but he's even managed to get on top of it when a chair was left pulled out. Other than that, he's his most adorable self almost all the time and a most kissable and hugable little bundle of joy.

Have a lovely day!

Ciao,
Nora.