Because...

Because I had been for a while, and then wasn't for a little bit, and was about to become so again, my antipsychotic medication has been increased today. Yes, hypomania has been playing around inside my head again and I didn't recognize it while it was happening and making claims to my daughter that it wasn't. I can't always trust myself, except for today, when I felt the euphoria gathering strength again.

I called my SPN, who talked to my new psychiatrist, who had me increase my medication straight away. Also some handy tips were included. I am to stay in a trigger free environment and not start any activities in the evening when I should be going to bed, nor am I allowed to get up in the middle of the night and be active.

That is funny, because those are the things that I do want to do. For instance, I would love to go into town and become part of the crowd and last night at 11 PM I had the computer on and considered doing all sorts of things, but thought better of it. I made myself go to bed and took my medicines, including my sleeping pill, which makes me have to go to bed or I'll turn into a zombie. There is a great desire for action on my part, but just enough common sense not to do it.

I worry about the springtime, when I know hypomania will really hit me and not just a couple of days off and on. I know I will reach a state of constant euphoria without probably telling anyone about it and I hope the other people notice it and make me do something about it. I may give myself away by word and deed, but I may also cause some damage before I am found out. I hope I can keep my bank account safe.

I feel an enormous desire to go to the discount store around the corner to buy things that are very cheap, because they are and it will feel so good to buy nice cheap things, but at the same time I realize that a lot of nice cheap things add up and that I will be sorry for it later. Besides, I am not supposed to put myself in harm's way now. That would be like putting a steak in front of the Überhund and expecting him to ignore it. So, I won't do that. No matter how big the desire is.

Then there is the desire to order clothes on line, because it is so easy and almost painless and they are delivered the next day. Again, I have to call myself to a halt and not do this, because I have a lot of clothes and the choice is enormous already and I don't need anything else. It is just the lure of them that makes me want to shop and the excitement of something new. The thrill of it. The pleasure.

When I am in a mood like this, I can think of a hundred exciting things to do that will bring change for the better to my life. It doesn't stop and start with clothes. The whole interior of the apartment could be my subject. There are collages to be framed, for instance. And new duvet covers to be bought. And plants to add to the ones I already have. The list goes on and on.

I need new perfume also and new eye shadow and new nail polish and new lipstick. I would love another pair of boots and more leggings. Perfume, though, I must have perfume. Even an eau de toilette would do.

But, I must stay put here inside my apartment and not do anything foolish and let the medication do its work. I must be sensible even when I don't want to be. I must let the state of excitement subside.

Now I am going to look in my closet and find some interesting clothes to wear. Goodness only knows what I will find there. How exciting that will be.

Ciao...