Thursday, December 17, 2009
I'd been putting off calling my psychiatrist, but finally went ahead and did it anyway, because I felt myself falling in the clutches of another depression. I was apathetically sitting on the sofa, smoking cigarettes, looking at a cup of cold coffee, and thinking about all the things I needed to get done, knowing I wasn't able to do them. Whatever energy and interest I needed to get them done, wasn't there and I knew I wasn't going to find them. I felt like a brain dead sack of potatoes and not the least bit of a glimmer of excitement shone through anywhere. My thoughts were morbid and dark and everything cost me enormous amounts of effort. Making a new cup of coffee was too much work.
I called my psychiatrist to confer with him about what to do next, which was the smartest move I made today, besides going back to bed early this morning and sleeping a few more hours. I explained my situation to him and I said that I realized that it was normal to be tired after a mania, but that now I was slipping into a depression. He listened to me explain my symptoms and agreed. Then he asked me what I thought was the wisest thing to do and I answered that we should lower my antipsychotic medication and my Oxazepam and he said that he agreed with that completely. The antipsychotic medication prevents you from becoming manic, but once that's over, it has a tendency to depress your mood and make you morose and the same thing counts for the Oxazepam. He said to lower the antipsychotic medication first and see how I felt then and to then start lowering the Oxazepam a little bit at the time. It means I will start taking the antipsychotic medication at night again when it will help me sleep, instead of three times during the day.
This gives me some amount of hope, although I don't know how I will do on a lower dose of medication. If it will make me not depressed, I will be very happy about that, because the kind of shape I'm in now is not okay. The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I was not able to have a normal conversation with him, it was too much work and it was rather awkward, because it looked like I was not happy to see him and that was not at all the impression I wanted to give. My brain was not functioning to the point that it could carry on an animated conversation and I sat there like a deaf and dumb person who had nothing to say that was of any interest. I will call him in a while and explain what the problem was.
In the meantime, to get some life back into myself, I am listening to this singer and I hope her happy music will penetrate my dull skull and bring some animation in it. I've also found the strength to make myself a cup of coffee, so thank goodness for small favors.
I need my energy today, because I've got to write some Christmas cards and I have to wrap up books that I will have to send out tomorrow or Monday, depending on when I have my money. I've got to do groceries and have been trying to get a hold of my sister to find out when she is going shopping with her car so I can go with her. I've also got to give her her birthday present which finally arrived in the mail. I have to buy three books of stamps. One for inside the country, one for inside Europe and one for overseas. Is this boggling your mind? You can't just stick any old stamp on an envelope. Or a combination of.
I've got to walk the dog. The snow is almost all gone, but right now it's freezing again. The dog may not want to go out, it's nice and warm in here. We have to go brave the elements, though. We're just like the mailman, neither rain nor snow...
I think maybe I'm going to be okay in the end. I hope lowering the medication works and that it doesn't work too well. As in, "Hi, here I am manic again!" I will be the last to know. I'll blame it on my vitamins again.