Thursday, December 17, 2009

Another Depression?

I'd been putting off calling my psychiatrist, but finally went ahead and did it anyway, because I felt myself falling in the clutches of another depression. I was apathetically sitting on the sofa, smoking cigarettes, looking at a cup of cold coffee, and thinking about all the things I needed to get done, knowing I wasn't able to do them. Whatever energy and interest I needed to get them done, wasn't there and I knew I wasn't going to find them. I felt like a brain dead sack of potatoes and not the least bit of a glimmer of excitement shone through anywhere. My thoughts were morbid and dark and everything cost me enormous amounts of effort. Making a new cup of coffee was too much work.

I called my psychiatrist to confer with him about what to do next, which was the smartest move I made today, besides going back to bed early this morning and sleeping a few more hours. I explained my situation to him and I said that I realized that it was normal to be tired after a mania, but that now I was slipping into a depression. He listened to me explain my symptoms and agreed. Then he asked me what I thought was the wisest thing to do and I answered that we should lower my antipsychotic medication and my Oxazepam and he said that he agreed with that completely. The antipsychotic medication prevents you from becoming manic, but once that's over, it has a tendency to depress your mood and make you morose and the same thing counts for the Oxazepam. He said to lower the antipsychotic medication first and see how I felt then and to then start lowering the Oxazepam a little bit at the time. It means I will start taking the antipsychotic medication at night again when it will help me sleep, instead of three times during the day.

This gives me some amount of hope, although I don't know how I will do on a lower dose of medication. If it will make me not depressed, I will be very happy about that, because the kind of shape I'm in now is not okay. The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I was not able to have a normal conversation with him, it was too much work and it was rather awkward, because it looked like I was not happy to see him and that was not at all the impression I wanted to give. My brain was not functioning to the point that it could carry on an animated conversation and I sat there like a deaf and dumb person who had nothing to say that was of any interest. I will call him in a while and explain what the problem was.

In the meantime, to get some life back into myself, I am listening to this singer and I hope her happy music will penetrate my dull skull and bring some animation in it. I've also found the strength to make myself a cup of coffee, so thank goodness for small favors.

I need my energy today, because I've got to write some Christmas cards and I have to wrap up books that I will have to send out tomorrow or Monday, depending on when I have my money. I've got to do groceries and have been trying to get a hold of my sister to find out when she is going shopping with her car so I can go with her. I've also got to give her her birthday present which finally arrived in the mail. I have to buy three books of stamps. One for inside the country, one for inside Europe and one for overseas. Is this boggling your mind? You can't just stick any old stamp on an envelope. Or a combination of.

I've got to walk the dog. The snow is almost all gone, but right now it's freezing again. The dog may not want to go out, it's nice and warm in here. We have to go brave the elements, though. We're just like the mailman, neither rain nor snow...

I think maybe I'm going to be okay in the end. I hope lowering the medication works and that it doesn't work too well. As in, "Hi, here I am manic again!" I will be the last to know. I'll blame it on my vitamins again.



希望 said...


VioletSky said...

this person has no idea what he's talking about - that is the wrong advice. do not pay any attention to him. trust me.

I think it is a good sign that when you make suggestions, your psychiatrist agrees with you. You have learned much over the years about how your medications responds.

Babaloo said...

Hope you're feeling better by now.

It's great that you can call your psychiatrist when necessary. Not sure that would work here.

Our post system has been simplified in so far as that we now only have national and international postage. It doesn't matter anymore now whether you're sending something to France or to Australia, it'll cost the same. Makes things a bit easier, but also more expensive, I'm sure.

Hugs xxx

VioletSky said...

oops, then again, I just google translated it and it actually says "maintain the best condition for yourself"
maybe not so bad advice afterall!!

Twain12 said...

I hope it all works out with the meds, sometimes the meds are trial and error. Sending my Love !!

aims said...

It's hard when life is either up or down and there's hardly any middle road.

I agree that you are lucky you can call your psychiatrist or SPN and be able to talk to these people. Also that they respect your opinion on the matter as well.

There is nothing like being brow-beaten by a know-it-all-I've-been-to-school-and-you-haven't-shrink.

I am down today too my friend. Perhaps it's the date - whatever the date is.

But I am going to try and work through it. Painting - hammering - whatever I need to do to keep going on the renos. I'm going to put on my headphones and listen to my audio book and get involved in the story and perhaps I'll forget my own by doing so.

Much love my friend. You know how I feel about you.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Glad you contacted the psychiatrist. I think it's a good idea to lower your meds a little. Hope it works out and you have more energy. Esp as getting things done for Christmas requires so much energy and organisation!

I'm sure the Exfactor will understand that you were depressed. He knows you pretty well after all.

Sometimes when I'm lifeless listening to pumping dance music can wake me up.

Bearfriend xx

Maggie May said...

Hope you manage to get something sorted out, Nora. It is a great pity that you have to swing from one extreme to another. Midway would be lovely, wouldn't it?
You are very philosophical about it though.
Hope you get a good night. X

Nuts in May

Wisewebwoman said...

You write well of it all GSW, clearly and concisely.
You are doing extremely well, self-care is paramount. Kudoes on call to Psych.

Leslie said...

Hi Nora,

I hope you're feeling more levelled out by now. It's a good idea to check in with the shrinky dink when you feel yourself slipping. It sounds like you have much insight into your tendencies and that your psychiatrist knows and respects that.

In AA, you hear often, fake it 'til you make it. Sometimes it can even be hard to fake it! Hang in there.

marc aurel said...

Very useful. I sometimes increase the anti psychotic meds, I did not know that this can lead to depression. Not a useful cycle to get stuck in. I think I get SAD when the weather changes and then recover and get used to it. I wonder about lamps from say November onwards, but have never done them yet. Good cheer.