Thursday, October 29, 2009

I wish...

I actually got six hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I decided, after getting some good advice from some friends, to make my sleeping pattern more normal and to not stay up all night anymore. What I think is actually happening, is that I'm displaying some hypo manic behavior, without actually being hypo manic, and the reason I am not, is due to the fact that some of my medication has been increased. I am, amongst other things, changing the looks of my blog and adding new blogs, without keeping in mind if I will be able to keep these up. So, I have to keep an eye on myself, so I don't start to run rampant and crash and burn. Enough said about that, I will be good and watch myself better.

I posted a new six sentences on my writings blog, so please go there if you have the time. I wish lots of people would become followers. It would make me feel good if I knew that a lot of people were reading me, because I write to be read and to get feedback from people who themselves write and don't all bloggers do that? These are nuggets of myself that I'm giving away, much more so than my art. My art is a physical manifestation of my outer self, my writings are a psychological manifestation of my inner self, the real me, dressed in prose, in evening wear if you will. I lay bare my soul in them and you can see glimpses, if not outright vistas, of me and my innermost self. That's saying a lot.

While I write this, I'm doing chores at the same time. I've now got dishes soaking in the kitchen sink and I've already cleaned up the kitchen counter and done the trash and picked up the living room. The Exfactor was here and brought me two rolls of whole wheat biscuits. I scolded him for doing so, but he left them anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do with them, except eat them, which I always say I won't, but which I always do. My excuse is that they're good for me, but it's a very flimsy one. They are more bad for me than that they're good for me.

I have to take the dry laundry off the drying rack and hang up the next load to dry. I don't mind doing this, but I get distracted and forget about it and then it sits in the machine while I'm with my head in the clouds. I must make it a point to remember it today, otherwise it will get stinky and I'll have to wash it again. I seriously like doing laundry, because it is such a satisfactory job, but I am forgetful and a load of laundry takes me days to do until it is clean and dry. Thanks goodness that I hardly do any ironing. It would take weeks.

I also don't mind doing the dishes, but I act like I do and let them stack up until it seems unmanageable. Then I get it in my head to do them and I rinse and organize them and suddenly it seems that there aren't that many and they are done in no time. It's sheer intimidation that stops me from functioning sometimes. The intimidation of unorganized things. Once you've sorted everything out, it's always less daunting than it looked in the first place.

There, I've just done the dishes, Now I'll take a break and do the laundry next. I'm using my instant reward system. It works if applied diligently. There must be no wavering and no dawdling about the job. The minute the coffee is gone and the cigarette has been smoked, I must get up and do the next thing, with the expectancy that I get to sit down here again as soon as it's done, but I must think about another job I can do in the meantime. There is always something that needs to get done, even if it is as lowly a job as scrubbing the toilet, and you all know how I feel about that!

My dog is forgetting that he has not been walked yet this afternoon and is sound asleep on his blanket. No doubt he will wake up just as I'm about to hang up the laundry.He will have to wait his turn. I must do everything in the proper order. There will be no chaos reigning here.

Okay, that was the laundry. My psychiatrist just called me to discuss my medication with me. He wanted to make sure that the amounts I was taking were what I should be taking and that I wasn't taking too much of any kind. He was getting ready to fax new prescriptions to the pharmacy. I think he is a very conscientious man, He doesn't just go ahead and write a prescription, he wants to talk to the patient first, even though he has seen me not too long ago. He always calls me when he is about to write a prescription, just to make sure I'm in my right mind, I think. I think he would know fast enough if I were not okay, if there were something wrong with me and I was up front with him and told him I am showing signs of hypo mania.Therefor he knew why I was using up the anti psychotic quicker than usual and why I had not gone back yet to my old dose. It's good to be in good hands. It makes me feel safe.

The laundry just fit on the drying rack. I had sheets and assorted stuff. I have new laundry, but not enough to run the machine. It will have to wait. I must dirty some things first. I even found two pairs of matching socks that had originally been separated, but I knew if I waited long enough they would pair up again. I have clean pajamas for tonight, that will be something to look forward to.

I have to sweep and mop the kitchen floor next. I will need extra courage for that, for the mopping part, because I don't like mopping. It never turns out as well as I want it to. It's an exercise in frustration. First I will walk the dog, I think he is ready now.

The dog wanted to go for a longer walk than we normally do, so we did, although I had to curb his enthusiasm a little bit. I wasn't about to be dragged all over the neighborhood. We made compromises. As soon as we got in the turdy neighborhood I turned around. That's where people don't pick up the dog poop in the little green area. I'm not about to walk around there. It's very much disgusting and somehow they are getting away with it and there's a playground right by it.

I've just eaten a bowl of porridge and it has made me sleepy, so now I long for a nap, but I must not lay down and fall asleep, because then my schedule will get turned upside down again. It's taken the wind out of my sails completely. I will sit down in the armchair and read my book with a cup of coffee or a glass of fruit juice.

Right, so much for sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor.

Have a great rest of the day, be good for goodness sake.



Anonymous said...

I don't think I could survive on only 6 hours sleep during the night, 7 and a half is usually my average.

I'm so glad I got a dishwasher!

CJ xx

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Brilliant to have got 6 straight hours of sleep. It does make a big difference to your body and mind to be able to get a longer stretch of sleeping rather than 2 or 3 hours here and there. On the very rare occasions when I manage to sleep for that long I wake up feeling a different person. Totally "reset".

I don't think you should feel under any pressure to post on all of your blogs every day. And the work you post on the new ones are things you are already doing/ making - the new blogs are just a place to display everything together.

I really hope your wish comes true!

I'm in admiration of you doing your chores! Your system for getting them done is obviously working very well.

Your psychiatrist really is a gem. What a considerate person he is - so attuned to the needs of his patients. You really are very lucky. I was told recently that my psychiatrist - who I only see once a year anyway - has gone off to India on a sabatical for a year, or maybe even two years - no-one knows. Nice for him.

Hope you managed to stay awake and leave the sleeping for tonight.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Maggie May said...

6 hours sleep seems quite a long run. It is to me anyway!
I get so annoyed when people don't use a dog scoop.

Hope you get a good night tonight, Nora X

Gail said...

You have made me tired just hearing all you have done!

Maureen said...

I am so glad to hear your doc is so concientious. That is good news indeed. Glad to also hear you are getting more sleep... I know I need more sleep when I doze off at work; good thing I am in my own office behind a door!