Monday, April 26, 2010
I got up on time to answer my emails and have some coffee and smoke some cigarettes and blog a little. Before I do anything today, I have to go to the tobacconist to get my supply of tobacco and filter tubes. I can walk Tyke at the same time and then do a few chores around here. I have to get the apartment ready for the domestic help. There can't be any kind of a chaos for her to start with, not even a little one. So I must organize the kitchen and clean up some things that are lying around in the various rooms.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I took a nap and it was nice and now I'm up for awhile, but I plan to be in bed before midnight. I'm just checking to see if my mood has improved any. I think it has and that I may be more cheerful, though I'm not dancing around the room, but I don't do that as a rule anyway, unless another very cheerful person is with me. Maybe a Tyrolean in short leather pants who's had a lot of Schnapps to drink.
It will be early evening by the time I'm done writing this, but never mind. The title stands.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
I woke up from a nap this evening at a little bit before 6 o'clock. I realized immediately that I had to call the pharmacy, because I had medicines there that I needed this weekend, but when I called there, they told me that the delivery boy had already left. They did say that I could come by and pick them up myself, because the pharmacist would be there until 6:15. Half asleep I got on my bike and rode it over there in the busy traffic, past the highway and across the busy road, ignoring the red pedestrian lights, which are not there for me. I got my medicines and rode my bike home, and when I got there, I realized how grouchy I really was and that I felt that my world was falling apart.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I also want to point out that I have two diagnoses: manic depression and borderline personality disorder, and sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other one begins. Sometimes I don't know if I'm undergoing the rapid cycling of the manic depression or the quick mood changes that belong to the borderline personality disorder. The latter has a lot of drama in her and an overdose of emotions that comes pouring out of her as if her whole house is being flooded. That person is very unstable and things are not good when she has the upper hand. I think she had the upper hand this weekend. That's also the person who self damages as I did this weekend. I cut my wrists, but the knife was dull and I did limited damage.
I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday over the phone. He had gotten the report of the crisis hot line and knew what had happened, but had me tell it in my own words anyway. He agreed on the increase in medication, but said it would take a few days before I would really notice a difference. That's what I thought too. It wouldn't be so that I would take one pill extra and that would be it. He made an appointment to see me next week Monday and I thought that was an awfully long time from now, but I guess it can't be helped. I'm seeing my SPN the day after, because she will be back from her holiday by then.
This is the only time I'm going to talk about the weekend anymore and the aftermath. I went to my GP in the afternoon to have my wrists looked at and they were disinfected and had some strips put on them and they were re-bandaged. They have to stay that way for a week. They are sore.
It's early in the morning and I'm drinking my second cup of coffee. I've had one glass of juice, because despite the fact that I think it makes me sad, I want to get my vitamins in. It's the fresh multivitamin fruit juice that I like so much. The coffee tastes awfully strong this morning. It packs a real punch. I think that's one of the reasons I'm only going to have two cups.
I'm sitting here yawning and I'm really ready to go back to sleep. I will in awhile, after I've taken my medicines. I'm reading a good book called The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields. I've only just started it and I'm already hooked. She has such an engaging way of writing. That's what I'll read this morning before I fall asleep again.
Right, off I go. Have a good morning when you get up.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This morning I had coffee with my sister in her garden. She set me straight on a few things. They were very painful to hear and all I could think is that they made my situation look even more hopeless and that is was even more reason to end my life. We walked the dogs after that, but when I got home, I called the hot line. Luckily, I got a very nice woman on the line who took me seriously and who really listened and tried to come up with answers.
This afternoon my friend Yvonne came over and made me chicken soup with fresh vegetables. She knows me only as a cheerful person. She greatly diverted my attention, but when she left, it was back to reality and I called the hot line again. When I am on my own I cry a lot. I just sit and cry and use up one paper towel after the other. There's no end to my tears, or there did not seem to be. Maybe they have ended now. Maybe I'm too worn out to cry anymore.
I got the same woman on the hot line as I got this morning. She was an SPN. They are making a report about this weekend to send to my psychiatrist to have tomorrow morning. He is supposed to call me at 10 o'clock.
I regret blogging about all of this. Radio silence would have been better. I was overly emotional and quite beside myself, which pulled all of you along in my wake. I got too many comments and I can't answer them all. It would be reliving the thing all over again. But I can't pretend it didn't happen. The damage has been done. I don't know how to resolve it yet, but somehow I have to deal with it. It's very painful. I'm not out of the woods yet.
I'm going to take an extra sleeping pill and go to bed.
I spent the evening with my sister, which helped divert my attention some. I had a highly unsatisfactory phonecall with my daughter and it made me realize that parents shouldn't turn to their children in times of crisis. It's not the child's job to help the parent out of the crisis. Especially not this parent and especially not that child. I'm down enough on myself now that I have no good words for myself, so I'll try not to get into that. My crisis is not over, I feel as bad now as I did yesterday and there is no end in sight. I called the crisis hotline and had a brief conversation with someone there, but it didn't help much. It didn't bring me relief.
I am unable to resolve this and that is why I want a way out. I pray for a pill that will put me to sleep forever. I am so tired of being alive. I just don't know how to do it anymore.
Well. I will take my medicines now and see if they bring me any relief.
I've given up hope for something wonderful to happen. I don't expect it anymore now. There's something seriously wrong with me, because all I see is darkness.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
That sounds awfully dramatic, doesn't it? I guess I'm trying to get my point across without seeming too pitiful, but at the risk of sounding that way anyway. I feel an enormous loneliness and I can hardly bear the company of myself. In a little while I'll take Tyke out for another walk and hope that brings some relief to my restlessness and feelings of doom.
Yes, that's quite a different tune than I sang this morning, isn't it? I was still full of optimism then that I've seemed to have lost along the way. If this is going to be the story of my life, I don't want to live it anymore. All those lonely weekends. I'd rather take a pill to end it all. What's the worth of my weekdays if it ends up in all those lonely weekends? What's the sense of it? I don't see the point.
I don't think I was ever supposed to be a lonely person. I always imagined myself surrounded by my family. It is hard to be a woman on your own. It is a very lonely existence. It is not easy for me to make friends here. That seems to be an enormous stumbling block. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I feel that I go through the motions, but that I will never reach my goal. I feel invisible and unimportant and as if I don't matter one tiny little bit. My whole existence is totally insignificant to anybody.
Well, that's a huge pity party I'm having, but unfortunately it's what I really believe. I would like to once and for always make the decision and step out of life. Get it over and done with. I don't believe that my life is so sacred that I need to hang on to it at all costs. I can see the arguments to end it much clearer than the arguments to keep it. I'm regularly running out of courage to keep going and it wears me out. I don't want to grow old and lonely and I'm doing it now.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to reach the solution. Yes, I do, but I want to do it properly, without drama. I need help.
I'm going to take Tyke for a walk now and look at the flowers. That ought to cheer me up.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010