Sunday, April 25, 2010

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed early and despite my intention to sleep for a long time, I am up again, having a mug of coffee and cigarettes by the light of my desk lamp. Everything is very peaceful and quiet, but for the hum of the computer and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. Tyke's asleep by my feet and the cats are asleep in various places in the apartment. Who could picture a more perfect setting? I do so love tranquillity and I must have been born in a very quiet place to love it so. I always feel as if I'm submerged in it as if I were a fish in an ocean, but it allows me to breathe as if it were fresh air, which indeed it is, because it is ratified air such as you would find in a monastery where there is no noise but that of quiet prayer, whispered before an altar in an ancient chapel with flickering candle light. I may have been a monk in an other life. The hours would have suited me.

Instead I sit here in my living room surrounded by the accoutrements of my life, the things I can't do without, though I could take a roll of trash bags and empty drawers and cabinets of a lot of unnecessary debris. I would like to go through my life as unburdened as possible and leave as little behind as I can. I've got a way to go in unburdening myself, but it's a plan I have for the near future. I would like to get rid of everything that I don't need or want and have lots of empty space. That seems to me the ideal situation. In the end it only comes down to a few items anyway. I travelled to the Netherlands with my clothes, my books and my music and I would like to get it down to that again as much as possible.

I do have my artwork. my unframed, as yet, collages and my paintings and sculptures. Those I need to keep or find good homes for. I don't know how much of that my daughter will want. Most of my books are in English, so she will want those. Look at me, planning the end of my life already. One should always be prepared. I want to be like my parents and leave as little mess behind me as possible. It makes it easier for those who have to clean up after you. No morbid thoughts are attached to this. it's just a matter of practicality and the sense of my own mortality and what you drag around with you in this life, what you are burdened with. You have to leave quality stuff behind you.

I've started reading "Larry's Party," but I'm just at the beginning of it, so I don't know what to think of it yet, though it is well written. Just to be on the safe side, I have ordered "The Republic of Love, " which I read a long time ago, but have no memory of. It was during a time when I read an awful lot of books and I think I didn't absorb half of them and could read those again. A lot of them are on my wish list. I have a 162 books on my wish list and would like to do nothing better than to order them all at once in one fell swoop. It would wipe out my budget for the next 2 months an I would be unable to pay bills and buy food, but wouldn't it be great? I would love to receive boxes of books and frantically try to make room for them on my bookcases. I think a person can't have too many books, unless they're old and ratty.

I have 2 books by David Guterson and 2 by Michael Cunningham, but I'm unfamiliar with both of them and a little hesitant to start on them. I don't read male authors a lot, but these came recommended and I thought they might be worth a try. I just need to sit down and start reading them and come to my own conclusions, but I'm so picky about books and I hate to be disappointed, or worse, aggravated. The male point of view can be just a little more ruthless than the female, but that may be a prejudiced thought of me and the last male author I read, Sebastian Barry, I really liked a lot because of his sensitivity, so anything is possible. The preconceived ideas I have aren't necessarily true.

I've had two cups of coffee and have now switched to milk. You do start to burp after the second cup. At least I do, but that may be due to my gastric band. I like the taste of coffee, but only up to a point. After a certain amount I want something else to quench my thirst. I'm always in the mood for food that I don't have in the house. Right now it is thick and creamy yoghurt. I have no such thing in the refrigerator. I do have a package of noodles and may try that. I haven't eaten anything for awhile. When I do eat, I stay full for a long time and it takes some time before I am hungry again. It can take a whole day before I'm ready to eat again and even then it's not so much because I'm hungry. That's what the gastric band does.

It's funny how I can spend a whole night feeling absolutely no discomfort whatsoever, but completely at ease in my skin. The night must be my element. Someone said that it had to do with the chemicals in your brain at night. Something about them being more soothing. I forgot how exactly she worded it. For all I know it's the after effects of the sleeping pill. Whatever it is, it is very pleasant. I have no worries at night and feel very safe. I only start to get stress during the day when I feel i need to be alert against potential disasters, not that those happen a lot. It's just an old instinctive feeling. Maybe it's genetic memory. It's a good thing I have a dog.

I'm going to have some porridge now and after that take my medicines and go back to bed. It will be nice and warm there and cosy under the duvet. I've got my book and nothing can hurt me. Have a good morning when you wake up and have a good Sunday. Remember, it's a day of rest, so do something restful. Enjoy the flowers in your garden or the horses in your meadow or the wonderful results of your artwork.



aims said...

My goodness but you are just cranking them out today!

When you wrote about paring down your belongings I remembered this story I just read that you might find very interesting.

I hope you don't go as far as this but it's a very interesting idea!

Bernie said...

I hope you were able to go back to sleep after eating Nora, have a great day my friend.....:-) Hugs

Twain12 said...

rainy day today but i don't mind. I use to say to if i have my music and books i'm happy. I slowly started going through things too. Amazing the stuff we accumulate.
I hope you have a good day yourself

Frances said...

Hope your second sleep was longer. You sound very peaceful at the moment, wonder if those meds are blanking things or you are just levelled out?
Keep well and keep busy

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm very much like you in that I prefer the night and have to always strive to be in the day. I find the night soothing, creative, peaceful and tranquil with no demands on me. no phone, no door being knocked on.
I was probably a nun or contemplative. I do my best writing at night. I also create - knitting patterns, designs for my little acreage, etc.
I hope your moods have settled, my dear.

Gail said...

Good books and a good dog, what could be better?