Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Early in the morning.

I've had my medicines and my first cup of coffee, so by all rights I should be ready to face the day. The reason I am not, is due to the fact that I haven't had enough sleep and that I'm angry at Tyke, who's generally been making a pain in the butt of himself and required me to be very strict with him, which causes me no small amount of heartache, although I know it's okay to get tough with an animal and that you have to show them the boundaries. All in all it´s not a good start to the day and I can only hope it improves from this point forward. Well, it has to, it can´t get much worse.

I´m trying to draw some comfort from the fact that at least Tyke is responding to me and seems to be duly impressed, but I really have to be very strict and angry and I don´t enjoy it. I see no other way out, though, as being patient and loving has brought no solution. I´m also trying to draw comfort from the fact that soon my pills will be working and things should get a little bit easier. Making a second cup of coffee in just a second is also going to help. It would really help if I stopped yawning now.

I´m trying to see the humor of my situation, you know, the slapstick quality, and if I look hard enough, I do see it there and am ever so slightly amused, though I could be smiling about it a bit brighter. Maybe that will happen later in the day. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon which should be very interesting and after that I have an appointment with my SPN. I don´t think they are going to be looking for the slapstick in my life, though. I see them for the more serious aspects and they need to get looked at too.

Oh, hallelujah, my medicines are working and they should be. It´s been an hour since I took them and I feel the proverbial weight shifting off my shoulders. What a relief that always is. You have no idea how much. It changes my whole outlook on life. Now I feel that everything is in proportion again and that I´m not so snowed under and that I can handle the simple things in life again. Whatever I have claimed about medicines before, ignore it. I wasn´t in my right mind when I stated them.

I keep having to come down on Tyke. One of the things he has to learn is to leave the cat alone when she complains and that it is not a game when she gets defensive. He pesters her to the point of harrassment and it really isn´t funny any more. He doesn´t let up for a single minute and I really have to come to her defense. It´s gone past cute puppy behavior and is now bullying.

I´m trying to keep my whits about me these past 24 hours. I went to bed too late and woke up too early. It was not sensible to go to sleep so late, but I became involved behind the computer, as will happen, doing unimportant things really. I did catch up on all my blog reading and commenting as far as I had anything sensible to say. I don´t know why it is so difficult to go to bed some nights, but I can find ten excuses not to do it, until I´m keeling over from sleep and even then it´s a battle that I´m trying to win. Against whom, you wonder? I´m only hurting myself in the end, but when I´m staying up, I think that it is the most important thing that I can do right then and I talk myself out of going to bed, as if that is a very unattractive place to go to.

Yesterday was actually not a bad day, except that I did nothing else but sit behind the computer, as if I have a fixation, and I have to spend my time within that little encapsulated world. I am completely fascinated with my blog and everything that has to do with it. I want it to be the ultimate blog and be a complete relection of the woman I´ve created to represent me. I´m probaly taking this to an extreme, but it´s something I have to do, to create an alter ego for myself who is taking shape in front of everybody´s eyes, including my own. It´s probably good that I have a psychiatrist and a therapist, otherwise I would need them. I´d have to go out and find them. I´ll have to discuss this aspect of myself with my SPN.

The really funny part is that I hardly know who I am outside of the computer anymore. My whole indentity lies in it and my whole world does. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is turn the computer on and get involved in it as quickly as possible, before I do anything else, except for make my cup of coffee. I´ve probably taken it to an extreme and completely escaped in it. It might be good if I went to a desert isle for a while and did completely non computerized things for a while. I wonder if that would break me off the habit. Probably not or just temporarily.

I have to take the dog for a walk and then I have to do something useful around here. It will be tough, but I have to make myself do it.

I hope you all have a nice day.




Twain12 said...

i hope Tyke will get better and i'm sure he will. I usually called my dogs juvenile delinquents when they where that age, by age 2 and after being neutered they usually calmed down a bit.Good luck at your appointments today, i hope they will be productive.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I have had those times when I felt the only thing on my life was the blogging. When it's the only thing I do from first thing when I get up to when I have to force myself to switch off the computer to get to bed.

I think it's something to cling to when things are hard sometimes. Interacting with the computer in any way though IS addictive.

I am doing OK at the moment on getting to bed - just for once. I think it is because I've had very low blood pressure recently. But I worked out that not wanting to go to sleep and really hating having to "switch my brain off" was all about anxiety.

I haven't cured the anxiety, I'm just unable to really feel anxious when my blood pressure is on the floor!

Bearfriend xx

Bernie said...

Hi Nora, sorry I have not been over in a couple of days, I have been ill with flu.....feeling better now though.
Hope all went well at your appointments and that Tyke is being better with the cat.
Big Hugs......:-)