For some reason my body is telling me to sleep and to sleep as much as it can. I have done nothing but, except for the period early this morning when I was up having my coffee and answering my emails. I've slept in my bed and I've slept on the sofa and I'm still in my bathrobe now, ready to go lie down again at the first opportunity. I know why this is so. This is in preparation for tomorrow when it will be my son's birthday. It always has a major impact on me and subconsciously a lot more happens than even I am aware of, but the emotion that I feel most right now is one of anger and I don't know what to do with it, because I don't know who I'm angry with. I have no enemy, except for the cancer that killed him.
My son would have been 35 years old tomorrow. That boggles my mind. He didn't have any children. Maybe that was for the best. Imagine fatherless children. He loved children, though, and always wanted to have a son. He was 25 years old when he got sick and struggled for 4 years. He was tough. Parents aren't supposed to survive their children. This I'm sure of, although I'm equally sure that it happens all over the world constantly.
I can't get excited about today. It is a wasted day as far as I'm concerned. Tomorrow will be equally so. What do you do when you are in mourning? You do nothing but feel pain and grief. It is a complete waste of time. It would be so much better to be over it and to think back on that person with happy and contented memories. I can't do it. At least not on these kinds of days.