Thursday, April 15, 2010

Biting the dust...

For some reason my body is telling me to sleep and to sleep as much as it can. I have done nothing but, except for the period early this morning when I was up having my coffee and answering my emails. I've slept in my bed and I've slept on the sofa and I'm still in my bathrobe now, ready to go lie down again at the first opportunity. I know why this is so. This is in preparation for tomorrow when it will be my son's birthday. It always has a major impact on me and subconsciously a lot more happens than even I am aware of, but the emotion that I feel most right now is one of anger and I don't know what to do with it, because I don't know who I'm angry with. I have no enemy, except for the cancer that killed him.

My son would have been 35 years old tomorrow. That boggles my mind. He didn't have any children. Maybe that was for the best. Imagine fatherless children. He loved children, though, and always wanted to have a son. He was 25 years old when he got sick and struggled for 4 years. He was tough. Parents aren't supposed to survive their children. This I'm sure of, although I'm equally sure that it happens all over the world constantly.

I can't get excited about today. It is a wasted day as far as I'm concerned. Tomorrow will be equally so. What do you do when you are in mourning? You do nothing but feel pain and grief. It is a complete waste of time. It would be so much better to be over it and to think back on that person with happy and contented memories. I can't do it. At least not on these kinds of days.




Twain12 said...

i know how you feel and these anniversaries are always hard, no matter how long ago it was. I'm sending you my love and if doing nothing is your way of getting through the day than so be it♥

Wisewebwoman said...

I can't imagine what this must be like for you, my dear.
So incredibly sad. Do you have a scrapbook for him?
I started one for my missing daughter. It helps. A little.
And it is OK to cry and be angry.
With you in thought.

Elaine said...

Sending you my love, and a hug, and a listening ear and a tear. I just cannot fact I don't want to ever imagine what you are going through. xxx

Babaloo said...

Can't imagine what you're going through. The only thought that goes through my head is 'be kind to yourself'. Today and tomorrow. And every day! If sleeping is what it takes, then that's OK. XOX

Frances said...

Hugs. Don't think of the loss, celebrate the life. He deserves that.

Grit said...

Nothing to say but a virtual (hug).

Gail said...

I agree with Francis...celebrate that he was.

Bernie said...

Oh Nora these are the hardest times, I always find the days building toward my son's birthday, or other important dates are actually much harder than when the day finally arrives....I am sending you big hugs always, be strong my friend.......:-) Hugs

Friend of the Bear said...

Dear Nora, such a difficult time to get through so maybe just sleeping through as much of it as possible is a good thing.

I have often wondered what the purpose of grief is. In evolutionary or biological terms I can see no benefit to the terrible pain that accompanies a loss. It is a real mystery to me.

It is still a relatively short period of time since your son died, so it's no wonder it is still so raw and that you are angry.

I don't think you ever "get over it". It's not even about acceptance, as far as I'm concerned. You just get used (eventually) to the person not being there anymore. But people underestimate how long it takes. And the amount of time relects how important that person was in your life.

Just try to take good care of yourself and let yourself feel whatever needs to be felt. One of the few useful things I ever got from therapy was when the therapist told me to "Feel your feelings". It's actually quite a difficult thing to do - to just allow and be present while it passes through you.

I hope you are not scared of your feelings (as I have often been) and are able to let them be.

Thinking of you and hoping the day passes as well as it can.

(((HUGS))) and Love from
Bearfriend xx

Ms. Sweet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

There is no timetable to grief. It comes and it goes at odd moments. As others have said, and I think they're right: you never really get over the death of a loved one, you just get more used to it. I have no wise words for you, but I do send you virtual hugs and hope you'll get through the day okay. xo