Thursday, April 22, 2010

Late at night...

I've tried several times today to write a post, but each time my mood was not such that I thought I could write a good one and I deleted each attempt, even if I had written a few paragraphs already. I think maybe now I'm up to it and I'm seriously going to try it. I've just slept a little on the sofa and when I woke up, I was very groggy and made myself a cup of coffee despite the late hour. It has woken me up completely and improved my mood quite a bit. If being up late is the price I pay for that, then so be it.

I've had a struggle with depression all day long and it's been a difficult day. At one point I called my psychiatrist and talked to him about it. He says that I'm feeling so guilty for performing what I think is below par, that I think I deserve to die for it as a punishment and that this feeling is something very deep seated in me. We have to analyse this more at our next meeting. Because I'm depressed, I'm unable to perform and he increased my Effexor one more time and reduced my anti psychotics, because they can work as downers and make you feel flat. He is going to call me tomorrow afternoon to see how I am.

Some people from the Green Cross Foundation came to talk to me about my status quo after having been alerted by my domestic help. They wanted to know how my situation was and to offer me a personal helper who would come to support me several hours a week with such things as personal care and shopping and other things I have a hard time with. I was completely taken aback, because this was unasked for help and at first I didn't get any and now I'm getting a lot. They are going to file a request immediately after questioning me carefully. They were psychiatric nurses, so they knew what they were talking about. They showed a great deal of concern and prepared a work folder for me as we spoke. It was an amazing thing.

When I wasn't feeling down in the dumps or trying to write a post, I slept on the sofa a lot. Sleeping is my best defence. It only takes me a few minutes to fall asleep after I lie down. It is so very comfortable on the sofa in the sunlight, but even though there was sunlight today,. it was a cold day and I had the heater on and my cardigan too. I like to be warm and cosy, although I have now turned down the heater and taken off my cardigan as it was quite warm enough in here. I think I get cold too when I get sleepy, so that really should be a signal to me.

I had cold milk and Camembert for dinner and it was mighty tasty. I should be the spokeswoman for dairy products, I eat enough of them and I could not do without them. I especially like the soft cheeses, because they agree with my gastric band so well as opposed to the harder cheeses, but I like any kind of cheese really and there are many good kinds to be found in the store where I shop. There is a whole cheese counter with a large variety of cheeses. Some of them are quite expensive, that's why I stick to the cheaper store brands of the Brie and Camembert. I'm always trying to keep my grocery bill as low as possible. It's a challenge, although I'm sure that the more expensive kinds will taste a lot better, these cheaper ones taste good enough.

I have a tiny little scab on my face on a place where I have rosacea and every time I accidentally touch it, it starts to bleed something awful and I have to sit with a tissue to my face and wait for it to stop bleeding. It looks like a battle took place here. It's because the weak blood vessels are so close to the surface there. It's very hard not to touch that scab, because it itches. See, it's always something.

I'm actually feeling fairly good right now, which is the first time today, or since yesterday, that I can say that. I'm saying this very conditionally in case something goes wrong with the carefully balanced things. I'm almost afraid to enjoy the moment, but I must. They don't come along often lately.

I've taken off all my rings and for one of them I had to use dish washing liquid. It was a little bit tight. I decided that I did not want to belong to anybody any more and have no memory of anyone on my hands. I have callouses on my fingers from the rings. I don't know if I'm going to wear different rings, I think I will. I have some rings that have little or no meaning. At least it won't look like I'm married or that I'm a widow. I'll look for the other rings in a while in my jewellery drawer. I have some silver ones with semi-precious stones that I may want to wear. They come from a collection of jewellery that belonged to my mother, but I have no recollection of her wearing these, so there are no memories attached to them. They are just rings to me and I've had them for ages. They are actually kind of pretty and I do look forward to getting them out again. Maybe I'll start to care about what I look like again.

I haven't done so in quite awhile and just put on the same old things in the morning with not much thought to how I looked. I really didn't care very much. I thought if I looked halfway decent from a distance, then that would be okay. Up close and personal was a different matter, but then who does get that close? Not many people. I will try to put on something nice tomorrow morning. To celebrate the changing of the rings. Not the changing of the guard, that's a whole other thing all together.

I'm going to look for those rings now and matching bracelets. Maybe I'll pick out my outfit right away too. Then I'll have no excuse to be lazy in the morning and put on the same old things. Yes, I think that's a good idea.

Have a good night if you're going to sleep and a good day if you're waking up.



aims said...

I understand this not wanting to be associated to some things as you have so many memories attached to them and you don't want to face any at the moment at all.

I think eventually - who knows how long though - you will be able to look at these memories and not react to them in the way you have been. At least I hope so for you.

And imagine! Getting all this help at last! Without even asking for it! When you did go on about needing help before you might as well have been shouting down a well - and now not a peep and they are finally seeing that you really are in need. I wonder what has changed? Different psychiatrist perhaps? Either way - that's great. There is nothing like the guilt of something hanging over your head to make you NOT do that exact thing. I hope this gives you the freedom to draw or paint or write or do whatever you want to.

btw - if you got a headphone for your computer you could also use it on a MP3 player which you could load with audio books. Those players come pretty cheap nowadays - well some of them.

Thinking of you from way over here my friend.

Gail said...

Wow, help at last! I would make them take me places, don't send them.

Wisewebwoman said...

Good news with the help, my friend.
I celebrate your 'coming to' a lttle. It was a nasty slide.

Bernie said...

I so hope you will fight this depression with love and support from doctors, nurses family and friends....did you get back to sleep?.......:-) Hugs

Maggie May said...

Glad to hear that you are lined up for more help. That will give you added security.
Good idea about the rings.

Hoping the depression will be under control very soon.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Twain12 said...

i'm also happy to hear about the extra help, i hope you have a good day today ♥

Frances said...

Your psychiatrist knows you well. That's why you have to face yourself - the after effects are too bad.

You have mentioned before how your personality disorders feed your other problems and I think this last episode really illustrates it.

You can't play games with your mental health. Some actions taken while your mind is in balance can push you over the edge.
Keep well and keep busy